Chronicles Of a Slave-at-Home Mom

2010-09-29T10:56:00.001-05:00

Right around this time of year I start to get this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something coupled with undertones of dread and anxiety… I check my schedule to see if I’ve missed an appointment or something where I might have left someone hanging… and then I see it… Seriously? Is it already that time again?

October 5^th is a very ominous date in our house… it is the date that shattered our lives which I have meticulously tried to pick up and piece back together… and I will say after almost 4 years we’ve come much further than I ever could have imagined…

But almost 4 years ago I reluctantly joined a very unfortunate club… I am a survivor of suicide… oh, the irony… why on earth would we be called survivors when we weren’t the ones who chose to leave this plane of existence… we were the ones left behind… we were happily oblivious in our la-di-da land only to inherit the despair, anger, and confusion that comes when someone you love takes an intentional one way trip to the other side…

This is the first year I see something more in that word- survivor… I can finally see the word survivor requires a depth of character and superhuman strength beyond comprehension… it requires courage to stretch into the unknown with hope and faith that life can be good again… and I can safely say, from this side of the abyss, that life is good…

I recently remarked to a friend how awful it is that it takes a loved one’s death to force us to choose to be alive… to take chances and make choices that keep us true to who we are… to empower us to throw off our shackles of expectations so we may experience the freedom to be ourselves…

So… we will take pause on October 5^th to allow the kids to remember their father and I can remember the chaos, turmoil, pain, and joy he brought into my life… for as selfish as I think it was for you to leave them like that and to force me to be a part of your end, I still love you… damn it, I do… because you gave me my babies who are becoming the most amazing souls… you’ve allowed them to grow without the stain of your past and for that I will always be grateful…

Veritas

2009-10-01T13:07:00.003-05:00

Wow... it's October again and funny how it creeps up on me... I haven't had much time to notice the year slipping away after the flurry of activity this summer with our road trip to New York and getting the kids back into the rhythm of school... but my subconscious is my eternal timekeeper and I've been noticeably withdrawn from everything over the past couple of weeks...

You'd think that after almost three years I'd be able to approach the anniversary without tears running down my face... I wish it could be that way... but parts of me have gotten upset all over again as I watch the kids hit new milestones... Hannah is turning into a young lady and poor Jack still struggles with his emotional outbursts even at 7... his emotional growth stunted to that of a 4 year old... too young to understand what caused his father's death... too young still to really know what happened... I hope that time and lots of love will heal them both...

As for me... well... I feel as though the flood gates have been opened and all of the emotions I was forced to swallow so I could pull my family back together have overwhelmed me... I've dealt with my emotions as best as I could over the past few years and can understand them but I still find the odd trigger that releases the tears and leaves me sobbing... though I can see why Chris chose to take his own life, parts of me will always think he took the easy way out... I know life is difficult... but you have to do more than survive the tragedy that befalls you... you have to truly live... otherwise that's the greatest tragedy of all... so somehow... someway... I have to keep getting out of bed and lift my face to the sunshine and drink in all of the beauty of life... I will give this somber date its due and will keep moving forward...

2009-01-20T23:11:00.002-06:00

Two weeks from this Thursday and you'll find us at Kobe Steaks... normally we'd be at karate practice since the kids love it so much but on that particular Thursday we'll be honoring Chris' birthday... if he would have lived to have seen it he would be joking about making his bid for Presidency... yes, of the United States... and I would have joked that there would be no way he could run for public office with his kind of past... though I guess his past is the norm for politicians so maybe he would have fit like peas in a pod...

Much runs through my mind when his birthday comes around... and this year mine will also be poignant... I am turning 33... an age he never got to turn... and parts of me are sad that he never got to physically be here for all of the growing that has occurred... both Hannah and Jack are blossoming into their own larger than life personalities... he would have loved to have seen it... but if I am to believe what I tell the kids, he's here... we all carry him in our hearts so he gets to be here for it all...

2008-12-21T21:01:00.002-06:00

We are approaching our third Christmas with Chris and it amazes me how much has changed while other parts are still very much the same... the kids are growing quite a bit as is their curiosity... I've seen a few tears that I haven't quite been expecting and most of them have been mine...

I don't know what it is about this year that is harder than the last two... I guess the only part I can think of is in a couple more months I will have spent more time on this planet living than he did... not that I think he ever fully lived his life... far too much of his was buried under the pain and masked by the drugs and alcohol... but that thought just feels unfair... mostly for the kids...

There have been more times of late where they exhibit the desire for me to remarry... to find that perfect Daddy for them... a lap and strong arms to crawl into and wrap them up away from harm... I wish I could fulfill that desire for them but I would have to find the perfect man for all of us... which is why I feel that position will remain vacant for quite some time...

Moments creep up on me where I am overcome by the grief... after all this time it's still hard... trying to raise these two on my own is not easy... not easy to admit to anyone that I don't always feel that I can handle this task... not easy wondering how much it's screwing them up by not having a father around... not easy trying to be the strong one when all I want to do at times is crumble and weep...

I know it will eventually get better... I just hopes it comes sooner than later...

2008-02-05T20:50:00.000-06:00

Today would have been Chris' 34th birthday... it becomes a stark reminder of how long he's been gone and how much life has changed... this year I will turn 32... the final age he got to be... and somehow that feels almost wrong though I am grateful that his suffering came to an end... but on this day I send him a special prayer... I pray for him to know that the kids are doing as best as can be expected and we have found laughter again... may your spirit rest wherever you are...

2007-12-23T00:12:00.000-06:00

I had promised Hannah that I would finally tell her how Chris died and so today I told her... I was surprised that there were no tears on her part and that she took it like a big girl... I only gave her the briefest of details, telling her a little about being bipolar and how his brain was sick... she asked a few questions but didn't want to know too many details.... I did tell her that he used a gun but there weren't too many questions about why... that surprised me more than anything else but was a bit of a relief... I thought this would be harder on her but she had apparently heard about it from a friend of hers whose mother did not think to censor her mouth when sharing such intimate details... hopefully this will make it easier for her as she grows... I hope the next round of questions will be as easy as this first round... all in all, it seems to be the best gift I could have given her this holiday season... truth.

2007-10-05T21:27:00.000-05:00

Somehow I thought today would be mostly us in tears... that the kids wouldn't want to go to school or I would get a phone call from their teachers that they were bawling and wanted to come home... Jack had a great day and was rambling on about what they learned in class and Hannah didn't even notice... it wasn't until I pointed out what the date was that she realized that it's the anniversary of his death... I had already decided that we were going to dinner, make some pictures and write some letters to float up to Heaven in balloons, and make a wish and a prayer on a candle that Chris was safe in Heaven...

I think I missed him more because I have greater awareness of how and when he died... I couldn't allow this date to go unnoticed by the kids because as they grow they need to have some connection to him... but as I was the only one who shed any tears I feel more confident that the choices I have made over this past year have been the right ones... the kids both seem fairly healthy... or at least as healthy as they can be with how our life is now... the only wish that Hannah has is that I get married at some point so we can have someone else living in the house with us... they just need more positive male role models in their lives... maybe some day I'll meet the right man who can fill such a tall order but for now we have reached the final milestone of the first year... we have come through stronger and happier... and we did it with the support of all of you... you'll never fully know how much we appreciate all of the love and kindness we've been shown... *hugs*

2007-10-05T00:35:00.000-05:00

It is now the time of his official passing... counting the minutes and then the final seconds gives me much emotions... I am listening to Leonard Cohen's If It Be Your Will... a very appropriate song that he loved and was played for him at the funeral... Good-bye Chris...

2007-10-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

I've been noticing a bit of dread as the day wore on... I was becoming ever more aware that I am approaching the zero hour and have crystal clarity on what was happening 365 days ago... in less than 45 minutes the clock will have rolled on his time of death and I will have survived my first year without him...

It makes me look hard at my life at how far I've come... how the kids have managed... how much our lives have changed yet remained very much the same... as hard as I think tonight might be, it is also a night to let go... I have to let go of the remaining anger and hurt that I have been harboring and just release it... tonight I have to reclaim the date and make it my own... this is about a rebirth for us all...

I know I have mentioned to some that I will be writing a book on this and had plans to do so after the one year mark... well, I have already started and have realized my purpose... God could not have given me this tragedy if He did not mean for me to do something positive with it... writing the book is therapeutic but I hope that it can also help others through times of tragedy and give them Hope... that's what life is truly all about... Hope that today will be filled with wonders and that we never forget the awesome power of Love... we need to share our gratitude with our friends and ensure that we tell our loved ones how much they mean to us while they're still here... while we can still hold them in our arms... spread a little joy to those around you and feel Blessed that you are among so many wonderful people... I love you all!

2007-10-03T09:33:00.000-05:00

A year ago today Chris was still alive... amazing that in a couple of days I will no longer be able to say that... I guess it is only appropriate that it is currently raining, much like it was the day after his funeral... something about the rain is very cleansing... it's a drink of life and a fresh start... what spurred me to post today is I was looking outside to watch the rain come down and I noticed that my yucca plant is finally sending up a flower spike after not having had one for the past two years... and as I noticed that, I also saw the pink rose bush behind the yucca was blooming again as well... that rose bush is very sentimental... Chris planted that the first year we moved into this house and it has been a reminder for me of how bittersweet it was to have him in my life... he could be amazingly sweet and tender but he also had his thorns... strong and hardy like the stalks of the bush yet still sensitive like the flowers... I do miss him and can only pray that he is at peace...

2007-09-19T11:01:00.000-05:00

In two and a half weeks it will be the one year anniversary... that left me wondering how to commemorate the event... one of my best friends suggested not doing anything at all but I know that if I don't, the kids may not notice this year but it might become an issue for them when they get older... it has been decided that we're going to buy a small helium tank, write prayers, letters and draw pictures, and release them to the heavens... both of the kids have come a long way... Hannah more so than Jack but they are young and resilient... they have both managed to find their laughter and smiles... and what have I found? I have found Hope...

2007-09-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic... I was speaking with a friend about Chris and our current legal situation and at some point we were talking of how his girlfriend had managed to isolate him from all of the positive influences in his life... me, the man who had been his best friend through all of the time I was with him, and come to find out, his mentor...

I was rummaging through papers and found Lou's number... he was a father figure to Chris and was a constant in his life... this man put up with all of Chris' antics and helped point him in the right direction... I was always grateful that Chris had Lou in his life and that he would be a voice of reason in Chris' chaotic world... I dialed the number that had been written oh so many years ago and got "this number is no longer valid" message... WHAT?! I could not fathom Lou ever moving nor his number ever changing but so many other things have happened that I would have said were impossible that I didn't question it...

For those that know me, you know that once I set my mind to something I will get it done... I have been thinking about calling Lou from the moment that Chris died but was assured by the girlfriend that she would contact him... I never questioned it but have been wondering what she told him... how did she break the news? I went online and found that all of Lou's neighbors had a different area code and deducted that his town had split their prefix and tried the new combination of numbers... I held my breath as the phone rang... two, three, four times and I got a new message... and it sounded much as I had remembered Lou's voice to be... so I left a message on his machine that explained who I was looking for and if this was the right number, please call me... that was all I could do...

This morning I awoke to my phone ringing... it was a New York number and it could only be Lou... though a bit groggy, I was happy to see his number come up on my caller ID... we spoke for almost an hour and were both able to exchange bits of Chris' life that we hadn't known... I found out what the girlfriend had told him and then proceeded to fill in all of the details she conveniently left out... he told me of his last few conversations with Chris and his perception of Chris' mental state... none of it surprised me too much though Lou had always thought that Chris would call him if he ever was truly contemplating death... Chris always called him in moments of weakness, hoping his Pop would talk some sense into him and force him to make the right decision...

I filled him in on the happenings of our lives and where I'd like to see it all go... it was one conversation that I was unsure how I'd react and maybe that's why I've put it off for as long as I did... thanks to all of the help I've been getting, I was able to take this call in stride and not fall to pieces... I consider it a milestone... I told Lou about the Law of Attraction and the importance it now plays in my life... how it has truly enabled me to ask and receive what I need most... and where Chris is concerned, it has brought me peace...

2007-09-05T07:40:00.000-05:00

It's been 11 months and it seems a bit strange how time has flown by... life, in many ways, does not feel any different from when Chris was still here... I've been basically raising the kids on my own since they were born... still having the same fights with Hannah before taking her to school... listening to the same whining and crying about everything and nothing... I kept hoping it would get better... that I could somehow get her to just calm down and do what is necessary to get out the door in the morning so we can all be where we're supposed to be on time... I guess that is one that may never change... maybe the drama allows her to feel as though nothing has changed...

I also talked to Chris' sister today... she is the only sane one of the lot that I still care to talk to... I almost have to laugh because we can have a mostly normal conversation while skirting the proverbial elephant in the room... I'm glad that she's finally seeing someone about Chris... it's easy to forget that we're not the only ones who lost him... that she lost her buddy... I wish her the same peace that I have found... it's hard to get there but it is there...

2007-09-03T18:18:00.000-05:00

I am a believer in signs, whether they be big or small... today is Jack's 5th birthday and when he came in this morning to give me my morning hug, he smelled like Chris... not all like cigarettes and alcohol, but that sickening lemony smell that I couldn't stand that came from some sort of soap that they used to bathe with... it was nice to think that he's still with us in a way...

2007-08-31T08:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Hannah got to celebrate 8 years of being on the planet... I was a bit worried that she might be upset as this is her first birthday without her Dad... I surprised her with a small gift when she woke up and had planned for our family to have dinner as well as work on a group art piece... needless to say, she had a great day and didn't even mention Chris to me at all... with another milestone behind us, I can breathe easier... we only have to make it through Jack's birthday and in a little over a month's time, we will be marking the anniversary of his death...

2007-08-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

Today is a day where moms everywhere are celebrating... it's the first day of school and it's hard to believe that Hannah is now officially a third grader... Chris really would be proud of how she is growing up and what a little lady she has become... it was bittersweet taking our traditional first day of school picture... it seems that every year has been marked by turmoil so I am hoping that this coming year be sweet and fun...

2007-08-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today I had occasion to spend a few minutes with my kids' Godparents... we were chatting while the kids played and the comment was made at how much Hannah was starting to look like Chris and if it bothered me... now, probably a month ago I might have had a hard time with it but today I was able to see the beauty in it... I truly got the best parts of him and there they were, playing and swinging and having fun... my heart is so full of gratitude for what I have right now... it truly is the little things that matter most... not shiny new things but the laughter and the smiles... I can say that both kids are capable, and often times bursting, with both... it felt good to see that they have made it through these hard months and haven't lost the joy in their hearts...

2007-08-18T01:56:00.000-05:00

I guess I should take this as a sign of improvement... my mother asked me how I felt about my upcoming anniversary... what anniversary? Then it dawned on me that my former wedding anniversary was August 19th... I always teased Chris that it was the same as Bill Clinton's birthday, an easy date for a boy from Arkansas to remember... somehow, it had completely slipped my mind... it wasn't even close to being on the radar...I had completely forgotten because my life is so much more in the present and focusing on the future that I am letting go of the past...

I had been struggling with a number of issues for a while but a couple lengthy heart to heart talks with one of my best friends helped put most everything into perspective... we have been having an ongoing discussion on the Laws of Attraction and how life drastically changes when you apply it to your life... one of the things I had asked for was for peace for my soul... total peace from the turmoil that has encompassed my life since his death...
so instead of this Sunday being a sad day to remind me of a failed marriage, it will mark the day that Hannah receives her 3rd grade Bible... I find that much more uplifting... and the peace I had asked for seems to be coming in spades...

2007-08-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

It's been about 10 days since Chris' parents were here and the fallout is much more apparent... Jack has been crying intermittently over nothing and Hannah has been asking more questions about how he died and wishing he hadn't moved out... somewhere in there she's connecting our fighting and moving out with his death... I know she's angry but with who? I've asked her to talk more about how she's feeling and tried my best to answer what I could but I can't fully explain why Chris moved out without completely tarnishing his character... I can't tell her what all of the fighting was about though she knows it has some to do with his girlfriend... she is just too young to know that loving someone isn't always enough to help them... I don't ever want her to feel that... I want her to be able to love and be loved without fear that it will end... she already clings and climbs all over the guys who spend any amount of time at the house, hugging them all and constantly asking which one I will marry... I have to laugh about it and explain that I'm not going to marry the AC repair guy just because we happen to have him over more than once to fix an issue...

Jack has been a bit harder to deal with because he doesn't know how to express his emotions... he cries for most everything and it's difficult to always distinguish between tired crying, emotional crying, and just being whiny for not getting his way... he's almost to the age where he can start therapy and I'll be happier when he can fully grieve and start healing...

I look at them both and know there's a long road ahead for all of us... it makes me question how far I have come... my emotions have been fairly well in check but there have been more days lately where I've been crying... it's generally triggered by other events but I can see that it has more to do with not dealing with my own grief than the trigger... it's also been a bit weird because I've been discussing this situation with new people and some have been surprised by my nonchalant attitude... it's not that I don't have strong emotions about it, but it's been ongoing for so long now that if I continued to be upset I would miss on how beautiful the day is... I don't want to lose another moment or opportunity for a second of happiness... I see Hannah's guilt when she's in the moment, laughing with her friends, and then she realizes that she's forgotten about Chris and that she should be sad that he's gone... I keep telling her that he would want her to laugh again... that he would want her to have fun and smile...

I guess this will allow me to take a firmer stance with his parents... after seeing how it affects the kids, I can't allow them to drop by whenever they have the urge... at this point I can say that Hannah and Jack need more time... having them here stirred up too much for them and his folks showed me that their judgment is still far from appropriate... his father had the gall to tell me that he doesn't blame anyone for Chris' death... it might be easy for him to say but I have a hard time with his position... I understand the pathology of how Chris came to his demise but it is far beyond the mental grasps of his parents... I just need to accept that this is how it will be with them, pray that they can accept my position where the kids are concerned, and continue to move forward with my life...

2007-07-31T11:14:00.000-05:00

This coming Sunday will mark 10 months for us and I wanted to reflect a little on how much (and how little) has changed... I have been thinking about updating this blog for the last week or so but yesterday's events brought a few things to a head...

My day started off as most others... I was waiting for the first kids to arrive as I checked my emails and finished up other morning chores when my phone rang... since it was my cell phone that rang I thought maybe it was my family calling... the number came up as one from Oklahoma and it never occurred to me to not answer it, after all that's where my Grandfather lives... I answer the phone and it's Chris' mom... not exactly how I want to start off my day... she wanted to come down to spend some time with the kids and now that they live in Oklahoma they can make a day trip of it... let's just say that I was less than thrilled... I told her that I worked until 5:30 pm and that we could possibly go have dinner... she really wanted to come down during the day but I told her I wanted to be there because I don't know how the kids are going to react and that they are my first concern... that shifted her questioning to wanting us to come up there and I told her that I work all week and every Sunday so I really would rather not spend my only day off driving and staying the night would be hard... that's when the phone got handed off to her husband and left me with little choice about the fact that they would be here for dinner...

I was more in shock than anything else... they said they would call to verify that they were actually coming and as the day wore on I heard nothing... that didn't mean that they weren't coming... it just meant that they forgot to call... I started to panic about all the possibilities that could happen... what would they say to the kids? How will the kids react to them since they haven't seen them since the funeral? Will this cause Jack to start wetting the bed again since he just stopped? What if they accidentally slip up and say something about how Chris died? Every scenario danced through my head and I was feeling the pressure of what this visit could mean...

It might not shock you that his dad has since gone back to being a minister for those of you who witnessed his dad's bizarre eulogy... what gets me is a church actually accepted him into their fold and he is supposed to be a leader among his congregation... given his history and his choice of people he calls friends, he is the last person I believe should ever be leading any congregation... he is personable but his values are those of a by-gone era... and one of his close friends told my father at Chris' wake that he encourages all of his white members of his congregation that they should have as many children as possible so the lesser heathens wouldn't take over... that was a very sweet comment said to my dad in front of my lesser heathen Mom... and now I was faced with having this racist man and his Bible beating wife in my home...

I could feel the panic set in... Jack kept looking at me because he couldn't figure out why I was crying... I needed to talk and Gerry was fortunately able to calm me down... Jenne was also able to cancel her plans for the evening so she could be here when the fun arrived... it makes me feel blessed that I can count these two as best friends... without them I'm not sure how well I would have handled the situation...

I was afraid that I would break down... I had gone on auto-pilot after Chris' death and took care of what was necessary as opposed to checking my emotions... I was able to stuff them down long enough to function... I distracted myself with time with my friends... but as the summer wore on I became acutely aware that both of my best friends were moving... one to the neighborhood behind mine and the other to the west coast... both people who have been there for every hard milestone and they were both going... I know it doesn't mean that I won't ever get to see them or talk to them again but it brought back a lot of the emotions I was feeling about Chris and my not being ready to part with either of them... just as I was not ready to let Chris go... this all made me realize that I never fully addressed my issues with his death...

I am a planner... I like to make lists and like to have them in triplicate... I like to be prepared and have time lines for when events are going to occur... I do not like the unexpected... it bothers me... a lot... his death was not something I had planned for... and part of me is still mad that he's dead... that he was able to escape the turmoil that he left behind and that I was there, as usual, cleaning up his mess... and part of me is happy that he's gone... happy to not have to fight with him and not feel constant pressure to anticipate his moods... I have spent these last almost 10 months in relative peace... no one making my life any harder than it already is and most people being very understanding and loving... I guess I should be feeling some guilt for it but when I search my soul, I don't have any guilt... I wouldn't change much about the way I handled myself... the only thing I may have done is be more assertive after his death in recovering his property from his ex because she still has a good deal of his stuff (though from what I was told yesterday she sold a bunch of his stuff)...

Now I am waiting for the rest of the fallout from his parents' visit... I'm waiting to see how the kids will do and am trying to figure out where all of my anger is coming from... actually I know where it comes from, but I don't know why it's still there... I am ready for my life to be full of joy again... I am ready to be surrounded solely by people who love me... I am ready for the kids to be happy normal kids... I am ready to let all of this pain go...

2007-06-17T23:13:00.001-05:00

It is Father's Day... a day for dads everywhere to get ugly neckties and homemade cards... for us it has been bittersweet... I found myself crying as I drove to my friend's house last night thinking about what I had to look forward to today... another milestone in our lives that I guess I'm glad has come to pass... I might feel better about it had we had some of his remains but that is one of many things his girlfriend still hasn't turned over... it makes me sad for the kids... their father is now more of an abstract concept instead of someone that can be seen or touched... they can barely cling to the memories but how long before even I forget his voice? So on this Father's Day, I bid Chris a happy one wherever he is...

2007-04-15T23:41:00.000-05:00

Why does this always seem to say the same thing? I guess because my life feels like it's on repeat and there's no getting off of this ride...

I've been feeling industrious and have been trying to get my household back in proper order... for those of you that know me, you will know that entails everything being in its proper place with a label on it and alphabetized on a shelf somewhere... I have bought more bins and have brought in numerous trash bags to help relieve my overflowing house of its burdens... this is in an effort to keep me from sliding into a depression... one of the things I firmly believe is that when I have emotional turmoil it manifests itself through clutter in my home... with two kids clutter seems to be normal but when it extends itself to every corner of my house then it is enough to drive me mad... I feel like avoiding the whole affair and running away to a place where there is none of the chaos... and often times I do... I have a little safe haven at my friend's house where I can escape for a few hours and forget that my life is falling apart around me... now I did consciously choose to do that but when I look at my behavior then I can see what is happening to me... I am avoiding everything... I don't want to be bothered by anyone... I want to be left alone so I can wallow in whatever mood seems to be bubbling just below the surface... and the best way to avoid everyone is to use the excuse that I need to clean my house and get it back in order... and yes, it does need a good cleaning... but it never seems to get done... and the only thing I can think of is that I won't have anything left to do but face what I'm truly avoiding and that is all of my feelings surrounding Chris' death...

The reason I bring this up tonight is that I've had a few revelations today... the first being that it's now been over six months and this was the first time the 5th of the month past by and I didn't mark the occasion... that may be a good sign that I'm moving on with my life... the second is that I bought shallow storage bins to put all of the bags of his books in so they're not all piled up haphazardly in the garage... but as I'm sorting through them all I'm finding most all of my missing books and a few other unexpected items that bring tears to my eyes and wishing someone was here to hold my hand... now I could have done this during the daytime when I could have had people around me to be supportive but I have chosen to do so at night, after Jenne and the kids have gone to bed and when my other friend is busy enough that I don't want to bother him with another round of mindless crying...

I still feel a bit angry... maybe because I want this mess to be over and done with... I have so much of his stuff in the house and I need to get rid of most of it... I want to dump as much as possible but I also need to be respectful of the rest of his family and think about what they might want... I do have plans to make them all blankets after I finish the ones for the kids but that may take until Christmas to get it all done... I feel angry because the girlfriend is being so stubborn about helping us out at all and not getting any part of his remains to us... I found out she moved back home to her parents' house in Midland and need to decide what I am going to do... the law is very clear and I may just allow the lawyers to take care of this... I am just tired of having to deal with this and wish someone else could manage it all for me...

And that leads to the part where I am tired... I am tired all of the time and wish that I could have my energy back... I want to do more and often times I think I'm doing too much, but most days I can barely do my minimum and struggle to make it to bedtime... I do get some sleep but with all of the chaos in the house it is hard to get relaxed enough to have me feeling rested... I will admit that my escapes to my friend's place makes things much nicer and has helped in so many ways to help calm and center myself but it still doesn't make me address why I go to his house instead of having him come over here... and some of that is because over there I am not Sarah, mommy of two and neighborhood helper and Chris' ex-wife... I am merely myself and that is such a gift... I am working hard to bring that same sense of peace home with me and help keep me from sliding into a major depression... my brain has gotten so disorganized and I can barely keep up with all of my activities... I am not sure what all I can do but I think once I get my house back to its normal level of chaos then I can achieve some sort of normalcy...

I will say that I do still feel truly blessed... I have good people in my life who show how much they care and I am happy to have them around... I have two in particular who have been so loving and kind over these past couple of months as the emotions surge and ebb... my best friend did move in with us a month or so ago and she has been a tremendous help in so many ways... I love having her here and can say that after 18 years she is not tired of me yet... the other one is a new friend who has been around for a few months and for those of you who have seen us together, yes he's wonderful... I am lucky to say that he truly is a friend first and foremost... both of them allow me to be myself and don't mind that I'm sitting on the couch crying... they just hand me a tissue and let me bawl it out... most days I don't think too much about Chris but he's been on my mind a lot more these last couple of days and offer up a prayer for him... I do hope he is at peace and that we all can have some love for him... and when I think to how I have been able to find some happiness and contentment in my life, I am thankful to him... I believe that I am stronger for all of the turmoil that we have gone through and continue to face on a daily basis... I just wish some of it would be easier... I wish that everyone had the same intent in moving forward in a positive light... if I had allowed him to rob me of my life when he took his, I would have failed my children as a mother... the kids seem fairly normal... a bit morbid at times in their humor and death is often a topic about the house but otherwise they seem to be taking things in stride...

So thank you, my friends, who are always the bright spots in my day... I am still strong because of your love and support... may the blessings you have shown us be returned to you many times over =)

2007-03-19T14:51:00.000-05:00

This past Friday was something... the time had finally come to take inventory of the storage unit and catalogue Chris' possessions... I was smart enough to ask one of my friends to go with me but made sure it was one that never knew Chris... I figured it was going to be hard enough as it was to get this task done but I wasn't prepared to handle anyone else's emotions... we went down there and met with the attorneys and got the keys... we did a preliminary look to say that yes, it seems that what was on the inventory list was there but we will go through and check off the list and send confirmation back to the girlfriend's attorney...

The emotions seemed to come in waves... I was under the assumption that everything was in boxes... not so... we opened up the unit and there were garbage bags... piles and piles of garbage bags... isn't that sweet? You claim to love someone and the best that you can do for them is to put some of their possessions in garbage bags... so between the sight of the garbage bags and the overwhelming smell of Chris' mix of cigarette smoke and whatever it was that made him smell lemony, I was hard pressed to hold back the flood of tears... I sent my friend to move my car and bring in my Kleenex... I unearthed the kids' bunk bed, their purple couch, and Chris' office desk and chair... it was finding the pictures of the kids that I gave him for his desk that started the tears... thank God for my friend... he held me and let me cry as I needed it... it was also nice having a big strong guy move some of the larger items around... I continue to feel blessed to have such amazing friends...

After a few hours of going through his things, I brought some small things home and will be going to get the remainder of the items by the end of the month... my friend stayed with me afterwards to let me sort through my thoughts and helped to get me centered... my Mom and best friend were waiting at home for us and allowed me to do nothing but deal with my feelings...

Some days seems much harder now than when we were just recovering from his death... maybe because the shock of it all has worn off and I'm finally free to feel all of the emotions... I am fortunate to have a safe place to just let it all out with people that are incredibly supportive... there are times when I wish I knew how much longer I'm going to feel this way... it's going to take time and things will get better...

2007-02-27T12:05:00.000-06:00

Most days I am fine... a bit stressed from all of the kids but for the most part I'm doing pretty well... I've been in a state of limbo about getting all of Chris' belongings because we need to do an inventory of what's in the storage unit... I've mostly been waiting on my attorney to get back to town so we can meet with the other attorney to get the key to the unit... now I have a date... March 13th... I feel a little shaky because though I need to do this, I don't want to... I have yet to go back over to anywhere near the part of Plano that he lived and this place isn't too far from his house... knowing that I now have to go out there and when it'll happen dredges up all of the emotions and anxiety about being over there... it's another event that will bring more finality to this reality...

I know it's been almost 21 weeks since his death and in a lot of ways I have made great strides into reclaiming my life... I had told a friend that just because he took his own life, he was not going to rob me of mine... and I have been having fun and making plans and getting out of the house more often... I have been laughing and enjoying the simple pleasures that life has to offer... but then I get to pick the date that I go to rummage through what's left of his life and it's hard... hard to think that all he left after 32 years can be held in a cold storage unit with some arbitrary number on the door...

What still amazes me is that the girlfriend has yet to turn over his ashes and relinquish what she did not put into storage... she is a real piece of work and all that I can do is let God handle that one... I can no longer put my energy into dealing with her... between God and the lawyers, all that she has done will be returned to her...

I'm just hoping I can manage to get through the last of this and be done with the hassle... if I could just move forward without having to wrangle one more person to get something done would be nice... of course if it were that easy it wouldn't be Chris... even now his actions still impact my life... that's okay... it's almost over...

2007-02-09T07:45:00.000-06:00

I guess my perception of what is normal is altered... it is an unfortunate fact of life that there is a lot of talk about death in our house... Jack's teachers are concerned that he asks when he's going to die and I know that's an uncomfortable conversation for most but here it is as normal as "When's dinner?"... he's so young that I'm not sure exactly how much he understands about what happened to his Daddy aside from he saw him for the last time laying in a casket and me telling him that his heart had stopped... we've talked about body parts before all of this happened so he had been exposed to a science series of books about the heart, skin, muscles, etc... part of him would like to know when his heart is going to stop and all I can tell him is that it will stop when we are done living our lives... how much longer any of us have is never known but we can enjoy each day that we're given as a gift...

Hannah's line of questioning of late is actually much harder to take than Jack's... she wants to know why I didn't do as many fun things with them as Daddy did... Daddy took us to Chuck E. Cheese... Daddy took us fishing... Daddy took us camping... Daddy to us to Six Flags... how do you explain the difference between a weekend parent versus the one that gets you up in the morning, helps you with your schoolwork, makes sure you have shoes that fit, and all of the other tedious things that mothers generally do? How do you make a 7 year old understand that her Daddy didn't want to have to deal with us for most of her life and did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and that those choices rarely involved us? All I could tell her is that everyone makes choices and before they were born I used to do fun things all of the time that made me happy... I used to dance and paint and go fun places whenever I wanted to... but then I had a decision to make... I had to decide that it was time to be a mother... not that it's right to give up all of the fun things in life, but life changes when you have children... that being a mother is hard work but it is work that I had chosen to do... and it is my job to ensure that they grow into healthy and successful human beings... that they are able to make the right choices when faced with hardships and to always know that they are loved... that's my job... I also had to tell her that Daddy didn't make the same choices that I did... that he chose to keep having his fun while I took care of them... that it took him until this past year for him to realize how important it was to be a good father... I had to emphasize that it's not an easy choice for every person to make but that he did the best that he knew how and that's all we can ask... I also had to remind her that it was easy for him to take them fun places because he had another adult to help him and that it would have been harder for him to do all of those fun things if they lived with him all of the time and only visited me... I know it was too much to unload on her but after being prodded so many times about why we never get to go to fun places, I couldn't just gloss over the fact that I work all of the time to make sure they are taken care of and have all of the things they need... not all of the things they want, but actually need... and they have a lot... a fact pointed out to me last weekend when a friend of mine came over for the first time and saw my classroom... and I know that's only a small part of what they have... it's such a fine line to walk... on one side, you want them to remember all of the fun they had with their Dad but not to the point that they think that's all that he did... it would be an impossible standard for me to live up to...

Does any of this get any easier? Most days are fairly normal between working all of the time and raising the kids... I know there's a part of me that hasn't fully dealt with his death and I'm not sure if I ever will... I know it's going to be hard when I take the inventory of the storage unit but I'm not sure even that will help me finally come to the point where I can truly feel all of the pain... I waffle back and forth between how I feel about Chris... I know I have immersed myself in work to avoid having too much down time to think about it all... it doesn't stop me from doing it but at least I am aware of what I'm doing... I miss him most days but when I talk about him with friends I am extremely aware of his shortcomings... it would be unfair of me to expose his weaknesses to the kids and show them how he really was... it would also be unfair for me to allow them to think he's a God who could do no wrong...

I also have a small amount of good news to share... well... good for me at least... my best friend, Jenne, is supposed to be moving in with us in a few more weeks until she can find a house... losing a small amount of privacy is a good trade for having her here... I wish her circumstances for coming down here were better but I am excited for having someone to lean on... her being here will also give me some much needed time off to take care of myself in ways that I haven't been able to since Chris died... she knows all of this and is still willing to come... I guess after 18 years there isn't too much that we wouldn't do for each other so hopefully this is what I need to overcome some of these hurdles...

2007-02-05T13:39:00.000-06:00

Do you believe in signs? Is it something I should take note of or am I just reading way too much into this? Let me tell you what happened and you be the judge... I went up to Jack's room to get his blankie for nap time and noticed one of my cats going ape in Hannah's room... I looked in and saw that she was trying to capture this bird that was flying in the room... now I don't recall any doors nor windows being open long enough for a bird to fly in... I think I would have noticed... but here is this bird with at least a 12 inch wing span in my daughter's room doing its best to not be eaten... I open Hannah's window and shoo the poor thing out... I thought there's an old superstition about birds in the house but I couldn't remember what it was so I looked it up... some say that birds carry the souls of the dead and that blackbirds in particular are messengers of the dead... I am not your usual kook who takes all of that to heart but today is a bit different... today is Chris' birthday... should that mean something? I did go and light a candle in honor of his birthday and said a prayer that he has found peace... is there something else I am supposed to do? We are going out tonight so the kids can honor his birthday and hopefully we can have a good evening... our morning has been very busy and maybe that was a way to get me to remember him... a person never truly dies as long as there is someone to remember them as they were... maybe it was just an unfortunate bird that found its way into a tight situation... who knows...

2007-02-05T00:19:00.000-06:00

It is officially what would have been Chris' 33rd birthday... not quite sure what all we're going to do aside from going to dinner... I noticed Hannah had "Happy Birthday Dad" written in her school planner... we've talked about it some but most of the questions have stopped... we're still waiting to do inventory of the storage unit but there's still plenty of time for that... I've got a friend who'll be there for moral support so it won't be so bad...

His mother called earlier and I unfortunately picked up... I had been on another call when she beeped in and since the caller ID doesn't register when you're on the other line, it becomes answer at your own peril... I have successfully avoided talking to them because she is passive aggressive and does her best to try to make me feel guilty... I think it bothers her that I don't have the guilt that they do and that I seemingly have moved forward... yes, I have made positive steps in my life but that doesn't mean that it's easy to not have him around... regardless of how I feel, life will move on with or without me and I cannot allow myself to stand still and lose myself again... when his mother asked how we're doing I tell her the basics but I don't elaborate... I don't tell her that I had a great weekend because I got to enjoy adult company for once without the kids and that the kids spend a lot of time around my parents... I have to defend why I don't drive the seven hours it takes to go visit them in Arkansas though I tell them every time we speak that I work every day but two Saturdays each month... I don't have time and refuse to take time off to go up there... with how I've been treated over the years it will take quite a bit more than the occasional phone call to get me to see them... if they were down this way I may opt to have dinner with them but I will not go out of my way for them anytime in the foreseeable future... his parents don't seem to understand what is truly going on... they seemed unaware that I am the administrator for his estate and that it is at my discretion how his estate is divided up... the kids get whatever they want plus a few things that will have more meaning for them when they get older but all the rest is however I choose to handle it... I don't want his stuff crowding up my life again... and how do you tell a mother on the eve of what would have been her eldest son's birthday that you are doing your best to sanitize your life of him and truly want nothing to do with them? I know it's not right to deny them the ability to see their grand kids but they have a lack of judgment when it comes to what is proper to do with kids and I will not ever allow anyone to do anything that will be detrimental to their well being... and how do you tell his mother that our lives are so much better now that Chris is gone? How much of a relief it is that I don't have all of his drama and uncertainty to handle? How that there are so many more benefits for us now that he's out of our lives and that I'm glad there's no one else to influence the kids unless I allow them into our lives... all points that she's not ready to hear... it would just reinforce whatever their beliefs are about me and even I cannot be that cruel... I can see their point of view... I can see how hard it is for them to not be able to understand what really happened... but I also see that they are not ready for the truth... I know that they are not capable of seeing Chris as he truly was and how he got to be that way... I wouldn't want to know that either if I had any part in making him the way he was... there is just so much that I would love to say to them but it would completely crush them... his mother is way too fragile emotionally to handle any of it... she thinks she would probably break down and cry if she talked to the kids and that is not healthy for any of them... I don't know what kind of support system they have but she has not accepted his death in any way and all of that is very evident when I speak to her... God, I must seem callous to them... four months now without him and I have done everything I can to move on... I won't ever forget him and I won't let the kids forget him but life has to go on... it's not fair but it does... I can only pray for them to have the same kind of healing that I am experiencing and maybe they, too, can see the beauty that life still has to offer...

2007-02-02T07:49:00.000-06:00

Chris' 33rd birthday would have been this coming Monday and I have decided to take the kids to dinner back to where it all began... we're going in honor of his birthday and hopefully this will help by getting this milestone behind us... there are going to be a lot of other firsts this year... we've already had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's behind us... Valentine's Day is approaching though that will mean more for the kids than it does for me... we still have our first Easter, 4th of July, and both of the kids' birthdays to get through before we come to the 1 year anniversary of his death... his birthday will be 4 months to the date since he passed and it's just another reminder that our lives are different now...

Last night I found myself in a weird funk... not sure if it's his birthday that's bringing it about or that I had my counseling session and we talked about my states of depression... they come in waves and more often than not only last a moment or two... last night I googled Chris' computer screen name and all sorts of information popped up... there were entries on a site devoted to Leonard Cohen and one entry in particular where he was talking about how much he loved the song Take This Waltz and how he was going to dance with his wife to it... that was written back in November 2004 and I actually remember dancing with him in the kitchen that night... that was one of our special songs and seeing something he had written left me a bit more tearful... the good news about that is I now have a friend that I can call and know that he's awake and can bring a smile to my face... so I called him and he did his magic... we talked for a while about life in general and he did leave me in a better mood...

The days really do seem to be flying... I commented to a few people that it's hard to believe that it's February already and yesterday also marked 17 weeks of being on our own... a strange feeling that's a bit surreal... mostly because life seems to have worked out for the better and there's no telling how things might have been had Chris still been around... I know on most levels that it would not have been this good nor would he have approved of my current state of happiness but feelings of sorrow still linger... Hannah talks of him less and less though Jack has had a recent resurgence of saying, "My Daddy's dead," and talks about killing things... the dead part is to be expected to some degree but the talk of killing things to make them dead is a bit more disturbing... I'm not sure how much he understands about death but it's a topic that gets covered quite a bit now...

Overall we're doing better than can be expected though there are still moments for us that are hard... I'll be looking forward to this October 6th where I can have all of the firsts behind me... there's so much life to be lived and I'm not going to allow any of us to get caught up in the sorrow that could eat us alive if we pause for too long... like I said, I've made a friend who doesn't mind talking for hours on end and has been terrific for my mood... the kids are still insulated from all of the details and can move on... had I allowed them to truly break down as other members of his family did, who knows what kind of mess I'd have on my hands today, but I didn't... with the help of all of my sweet friends we have pulled through the darkest days and have achieved a new state of normalcy... thank you my friends... you'll never know how much you've really done for us...

2007-01-26T10:51:00.000-06:00

I have a new deadline looming... we now know her attorney has the key to the storage unit and we need to have both attorneys present when I go through the storage unit... my attorney is going to be out of town for a little while so I have almost two weeks to get my garage completely in order... I put a sizable dent in the chaos when I bought the new shelves and put up all of my indoor Christmas decorations... I still have to get my tree down from outside and all the other decoration off of my walkway... all good things because doing that will keep my mind off of what I know is ahead of me... I feel some anxiety about going there... between it smelling like him and knowing that these were items that he used on a daily basis, I'm unsure of how it'll hit me... there's a lot of mixed emotion when it comes to Chris... you all knew what a massive pain he could be and he had a knack for getting under my skin, but I loved him anyway... just like we love our kids, no matter how bad they're behaving, we still love them... I guess I had grown to look at Chris as one of the kids... God knows he didn't act much better... but it feels weird to have to make room for his stuff again since I spent a long time trying to purge all of those things... I'm going to have to go through and see what the kids want, take out the shirts so I can make their blankets, and put aside mementos that I know the kids will want when they get older... the rest is going away... either a garage sale or Metrocrest... I know it's unhealthy for me to hold on to all of those things because they are not what's important... what's important are the memories that I hope I can keep alive for the kids and a few keepsakes that have special meaning... I know I'll have to take a Kleenex box or two with me when I take inventory of the storage unit but I hope I won't have to use them... I've been purging the house anyway of extraneous items and the last thing I need are more of them... part of my journey over the last couple of years has been making room... in my house, in my life, and in my heart... and the thought of bringing any of that clutter back feels like I'm taking a couple steps back... the thing is, I'm actually pretty happy these days... most variables in my life are gone and the few that remain have an end date in sight... this whole mess with Chris' estate will be done by April because that's when I have to report back to the judge... there's not too much more to do and the rest of my time is being spent the way that I want instead of having to haggle and barter days for when I'll have the kids and when I can have me time... now I have me time at the gym where I can blow off steam or get pampered at their spa or both... now I can get a sitter to take the kids when I need to get out... now I make all of the decisions and enjoy that freedom... and knowing that once April comes, I will never have to deal with the girlfriend again... ever... so please bear with me over these next couple of months as I go through an endless array of emotion... the end is near!

2007-01-24T14:45:00.000-06:00

I've been getting all of my papers in order as I'm trying to unearth my desk... there are so many new legal papers that need to be easily accessed so I've been diligently going through my piles... in there I had found a list that I printed off of Grief Works website to know how I'm doing in my grieving process... I've always known it was going to take a while and as I read through I found that I have achieved most of them and feel that I have a good handle on the situation... but with that said, I thought there wouldn't be too many more places where things would pop up and bring on the tears... I found this yellow construction paper homemade folder that said "Hannah's letters"... I know Hannah's always writing at school and I have filed away all of the notes that she gets from her friends but her folder for that stuff is getting pretty full so I figured I could go through and toss whatever she wouldn't miss... and as I start going through the letters, I realize that these are letters from her classmates that they wrote the day after her dad died... wow... talking about it to other adults doesn't usually affect me much anymore but to see it in 7 year old handwriting in note after note... I had to put the rest of them back into their yellow folder and put it with the rest of Hannah's work from this school year...

I really thought this wouldn't happen again until I finally take possession of his belongings... a certain someone is dragging her feet at getting us the key to the storage unit where she put his things... I know she didn't include everything but it buys her some time as I sort through what's there before I go out to her house with a sheriff to reclaim the rest... she doesn't want me over there but there's not much choice on her end... she has to comply with the court order...

So I guess that leaves me going back through the rest of my papers and hope that I don't find anything else... I've cried enough over him throughout the years and I really would like to be done with it...

2007-01-17T01:19:00.000-06:00

I think I've sprung a leak... the emotions still come in waves though life has achieved a new sense of normalcy... it was almost fun to watch the horror on an acquaintance's face when I told her what had happened... we were having a board meeting and we have new members and one did not realize I run a child care in my home... I always tell everyone that I fell into it as a means to stay home with the kids after the divorce... then I asked if she knew about his passing and though most are aware of it, the shear horror of it all was interesting... that paired with my matter-of-fact delivery of what took place and the realities of the silver lining... apparently there were a few details that some had missed, like the fact that I was on the phone with him when he did it, that always get that gasp... when I tell people that I know I seem to do better emotionally... when it gets brought up by the kids to the cashier at the grocery store, I get choked up and have to look away... I'm certain that I will experience these ripples for a lifetime but they, too, will fade as time passes us all...

My attorney will be here in the morning with her discoveries concerning the estate and to have me sign some papers... the girlfriend moved his possessions to a storage unit to prevent me from going to the house but I know there will be a few items that she will have omitted that will permit me access to the house... I feel like I should go back there one last time for closure... what a word... closure... if I could erase this all from my memory I would... there is something I have never liked about when people tell me that I can't do something... that is the one sure way to push me into action... she is blissfully unaware of how thorough I am and that I am meticulous about getting details taken care of when I have to present a project (in this case an inventory)... the judge expects me to recover all assets and ensure proper delivery to the rightful heirs... I have to store most of it for some time before the kids will be old enough to decide what to do with it all... I may go through and pull out definite keepsakes and I will make his shirts into quilts for them to wrap up in, but the thought of going through it all is hard... cleaning the garage in preparation to receive all of these items left me feeling like I hadn't made any progress at all... the one thing I still have been unable to do is completely break down with someone there... I keep it all inside and save it for when I'm alone... I put on my brave face and smile and chat... some who know me better can see I'm still struggling... I am better on so many different levels... I know that my life has gotten easier for the most part... I have humbled myself and prayed for guidance and to keep my heart open to all possibilities that life has to offer... how sad it would be that I might miss a ray of sunshine or a bit of sweetness because I could not see beyond the grief... those prayers are being answered... I am moving on in parts of my life and maybe that's why I am struggling... one part of me is happy that the sun still comes up and that there are wonderful people in my life... another part is sad that I am shutting the doors on the havoc that ensued after his death... progress must be made and I continue to put one foot in front of the other...

I've been asked a few times in the past week or so if there was any one thing I could change in my life, what would it be? Part of me wants to answer I wish I could have done more for Chris to keep him from being hopeless and help him see his worth... then I answer I would change nothing... that every moment and event; the good, the bad, and the tragic, have all shaped who I am today... any turn down a different path would mean that I would not be right where I am today... it may not be the most optimal place at the moment but life has a way of smiling at you when you need it most... a few things have happened since the new year started that have been positive and I will continue to keep my spirit open to whatever comes my way... the kids are taking their cues from me... I have to remind them to be grateful for all that we have for there are far too many that have significantly less than we do... not only in the material sense but in spiritual wealth... I am continually reminded of how blessed we are every time a friend offers a kind word... when we find laughter... when we make authentic connections... when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable... that is a hard one but it is necessary to make yourself vulnerable to be able to experience the bliss... I now know true sorrow... it can only help to recognize true joy when it comes along... and so I continue on my path, never knowing what will come my way next...

2007-01-07T02:49:00.000-06:00

The first week of the new year has passed and I'm trying to make good on one of my resolutions... get the house organized... I finally bought the heavy duty shelves for the garage and every 14 gallon tub that the store had and spent a good part of the day (and now night) putting them together and sorting... this is a task I have been putting off for the last few months... but I've gone 92 days without Chris and I'm about to get him back... along with every possession he had... and so I must go and make room for him again... the cleaning got off to a good start, and though I'm a bit jittery from all of the coffee I've been drinking to help me through, I've hit a snag... I've had two things on my mind that I need to unload...

The first is I had prospective parents come for an interview on Friday... they had originally said they would aim for nap time so we could have more uninterrupted time to talk but they chose to come during afternoon snack time... this is around the same time that Hannah gets home from school, which also means she has her friend in tow along with my friend who drops her off... it's a normal part of our afternoon and I don't mind sharing that with parents but this day was a bit more chaotic than normal... Jack has taken to wetting his bed again... he's been crying in the night and waking up with his pants wet... then he cries more because he's wet... he's been more aggressive of late and using some very ugly language... mostly he tells me he hates me... I don't take it personally because I know he's frustrated and angry about losing his father and so I take the brunt of his outbursts... he's also screaming and crying more about his cars because he's also become extremely attached to them... another normal outlet for his grieving process... and so these potential parents come during our afternoon rush and witness Jack having a full blown meltdown... I did preface our conversation with a brief explanation of our lives over the past few months... they showed an expected amount of sympathy but to hear the mother's tone when the meltdown started and the disapproval of how I handled the situation has not been sitting well with me... any child's outburst is unpleasant to listen to but this woman had the audacity to come into my home and tell me that she was happy that I put him in the high chair and moved it over by the front door... usually his anger abates after a few moments, but because these parents were here, I was unable to address his needs and correct the behavior as quickly as I normally would... yes, I get frustrated with his current attitude and would like to be able to get a good handle on it, but for this woman to make such a comment really rubbed me the wrong way... I didn't write her name down but I still have her number in my caller ID and I have to call her in the morning... I cannot hold my tongue on this issue and will have to let them know that I am unable to extend them a spot in my day care... as nice as it would be to have another client, I am in a position that I don't have to take anyone and I would rather be more frugal than to not stand up for my son...

The other thing that has been on my mind is that it has been 92 days without Chris... I have been crying with greater frequency and know that the emotions will come in waves and that this is a long process... of course, there are certain things that will trigger the tears and I came across a few during my organization of the garage... because I am trying to do this in the proper manner, I am going through each box out there and sorting them into the new bins I bought... a good amount of the mess was from all of the boxes of Christmas decorations that I put up and now have put away into their new little tubs... and with that portion done, I began digging through the kids' things that were brought over from their Dad's just before Thanksgiving... by then, I had already had all of the Christmas boxes strewn about and didn't have anywhere for the toys to go so I just left them where they were dropped... not what my typical anal self would have done but I just didn't care... it was more than I wanted to deal with... after smelling Chris' scent all over everything I started crying... this time it wasn't the smell that got me... it was a picture of him in one of the boxes... it's one of the few that I now have that was taken after he moved out... it took me back to when I saw him at the private viewing and the tears just flowed... I can still feel the coldness of his hand and the sorrow in knowing that he didn't have to do this... he finally did something that I couldn't fix... and I cried some more... and then the song Held by Natalie Grant came on... it was written for a family that had just lost someone...

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It's unfair.

Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

I became aware of this song when one of my day care parents bought me a CD of 2006's greatest Christian hits... since I usually have stuff along the same lines playing (mostly to give me a break from Wheels On The Bus), I took it as a very thoughtful gift... I played the first disc a few times and thought the songs were great... there were a few I knew from church but most were new to me... I didn't really pay too much attention to the words when Held would come on... but when I thanked the mom for the album, she mentioned how much she loved that song and how it would almost move her to tears... and so I went back and really listened to it... I must have put it on repeat a dozen times before it stopped making me cry... there is so much truth in it... nothing in life can prepare you for the death of a loved one... and nothing will ever prepare you to hear a loved one kill himself... but apparently Hope is born of suffering... and that much I do know to be true... from this tragedy I have been given a great amount of Hope... the greatest irony is that this is the best thing that could have happened to us and the timing was good... it seems wrong to say that but it is so true... he was able to spend the past year being a good father to the kids... he left when both kids will be able to remember him... he left before the kids realized what a shit he can be... he left before he married his girlfriend or I'd be going through a whole different set of legal circumstances... as it stands now, she is entitled to nothing and can actually be prosecuted for theft of the estate if I want to pursue that avenue... and if they had married, the payout from Social Security would be substantially less than what it is... there will no longer be any threats of custody battles and child support issues... there will now only be one discipline style for the kids... I will always have the final word where they are concerned... Chris will not be able to be a bad influence or poor role model for them... he won't have any more opportunities to bring unsavory people into their lives and they will no longer have the prospect of a step mom... there's nothing wrong with the concept of a step mom but the one the kids would have ended up with is not my ideal situation and I don't believe anyone who goes after a married man has the right to try to parent my children... man... karma is a bitch... I actually feel a great amount of relief... I now know what it's like to be Held... I have been showered with Grace and Mercy... at times, it doesn't feel enough, but I am forever grateful... all I can do is bow down and ask for strength to do my best...

2007-01-01T01:31:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! The year is off to a good start... of course anything feels like a good start when you've had a couple glasses of champagne... it was good to get out and be with friends and family tonight... I got to spend a little time with good friends before I went out with Chris' sister and her husband... it was only fitting that we start the new year off together and mend fences... life is too short and too precious to waste... I pray that this upcoming year be one filled with much joy for everyone... we are all blessed and I hope we can find a few moments to just enjoy the bliss in being alive =)

2006-12-30T23:58:00.000-06:00

I finally did it... I managed to be around a member of Chris' family and did not break down... well, not too much... his sister is in town with her husband for a job that he has doing camera work for a football game on Monday... I wasn't sure what was going to happen since we have not been on the best of terms since Chris died... I know she was trying to be a peacekeeper in matters and I cannot fault her for what she has done... I agreed to see her and we had a good time... we all went to lunch and she seemed to have fun bowling with the kids... she and Jack tied for last place and we all stuck around and played the arcade games... we did a little shopping and made some fudge... we made plans for New Year's Eve since the kids will be at Grandma's house and then we cried... we cried over how stupid Chris was for his final decision... we cried for all of the times we still start to call him and remember that he is no longer there... we cried over our memories of him and laughed a bit at the dumb things he used to do... we cried for eleven weeks of now being threes... there are now only three of us in our little family... there are now only three kids left in their family... three is such an incomplete number... it will always long to have its fourth... I find it only fitting to spend New Year's Eve with his sister... a chance to heal our wounds and make a fresh start...

2006-12-30T00:24:00.000-06:00

With less than 48 hours of the year left, I sit and reflect upon what this year has brought... it was off to a promising start as I thought that there were possibilities that I could find someone that could love me... it was a whirlwind of intrigue and excitement but the first faded into the night... there were a few awkward first dates along the way and then a few spectacular dates as I turned 30... this was the year I was so excited to see because it meant that I could put the mistakes of my twenties behind me and truly become the woman that I know that I am... I've stumbled a bit but had managed to get my life humming along right where I wanted it to be... I did meet someone who put a smile on my face... I did find that I'm still attractive to others... I also found that I am truly blessed because I discovered the meaning of friendship... it was tragic losing Chris the way we did and our days were turned on their heads... there's not a day that I don't miss his stubborn and smug attitude and I still cry a lot more than I think I should... even now I cry for his absence... he left a big hole in our lives and I hope that I'm doing what I should to be the best parent I can for the kids... they're resilient and I can only pray that they remember him in a good way... he wasn't perfect but he was their father... I did get appointed the administrator for his estate and am in the process of sorting out what needs to be taken care of first... we got through the holidays in one piece and I have to be thankful the kids live in the present... I'm glad I had the foresight to be strong in front of the kids so they could grieve without completely crumbling... it's not easy but we get through the best that we can... the silver lining for us has been much brighter than I ever could have imagined... I have to laugh at how much good has come out of this... this is the most bittersweet ending to a year that started off with so much promise... I didn't bother to see if I kept my resolutions but I will announce my new ones for 2007... I will laugh... I will love... I will find contentment with my life... I will be a better friend... I will find joy in life's simple pleasures... I will hug my children more and make sure that they know they are loved... that should do it... please take care of each other and be generous with your hugs... tell the people in your life how much they mean to you... you never know when it will be their last day on this earth... have a Happy New Year!

2006-12-19T15:47:00.000-06:00

Never have I prayed so hard for anything to go my way... I knew that the law was on my side but they had the option of making me jump through more hoops if they wanted me to before appointing me the administrator for his estate... they could have made me post a bond, wait another 48 hours, then pay for the copies of the letters of administration but the judge didn't make me do any of that... he told us to refile our petition so I wouldn't have to be court-supervised and didn't request that I post a bond... he didn't make me wait and had his clerk print up the new petition for us and all I had to do was sign... so now I have legal power over all of his estate and I can recover everything... I have the right to go over there and get it all and there's nothing she can do about it... she has made us wait for so long and now she's going to get what's coming to her... there will be no mercy... this is the best Christmas gift so far... my favorite attorney did tell me this is what would happen, but the attorney representing me in this matter told me there were other possibilities that could drag it out and make it more costly... this judge was so sweet I could have kissed him... I had to settle for a handshake and an appointment to see him again in April when all of this is completely resolved... if it turns out that his estate doesn't exceed a certain amount then everything will go to the kids and they will get more than we had originally hoped... this will mean that college is taken care of and I can relax a little bit more... hard to believe I have been nauseous about this for the last couple of days... I always worry more than I should but there are so many variables that you can never be certain of... the judge asked why we were filing the way that we had and it's because the Dallas county judges are harsher critics and want to protect the rights of the creditors, not the kids... this judge was a peach and I am happy... I am more happy than I've been in a while and there aren't too many more things that I could ask for... after this whole thing settles down you will be seeing me getting the house back into shape and doing all of those extravagant things I have been dreaming of... windows and doors! Yeah! I'll be at Home Depot drooling over my options and will be happy to get them in as soon as I wrap this whole affair up... then maybe I can get myself back into the real world =)

2006-12-18T03:03:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep... it's the middle of the night and for once both of the kids are asleep... we spent most of the day baking cookies and making fudge but there are much weightier issues on my mind... my hearing got moved up on Tuesday morning... we're finally going to get before the judge and I can give my testimony... what I am going to say, I haven't a clue... who else is going to be there, don't know... all I know is the unknown makes me anxious... and it finally dawned on me that the girlfriend will most likely be there... I haven't seen her since the funeral and I still think she's a bitch and I still feel that she played a big part in why Chris killed himself... the guilt can be the only reason I can see why she's holding on so hard... it still makes me angry... there have been tears here and there and I do my best to hang on to them until I can be alone... 10 weeks of no longer having an ex-husband to bicker with... 10 weeks of the kids not having a father to hang on to and climb on... 10 weeks of really being alone... I've worked extra hard these last couple of months to ensure the kids don't forget him while trying to start new traditions... this was our first year baking together... they're both old enough to help cut the gingerbread into shapes and to decorate the sugar cookies... we're still planning on getting some helium balloons to send letters to Daddy in Heaven... I just wish it didn't have to be like this... they're too young to not have their Dad around... I'm afraid they'll forget him... all they'll have are my memories of him... it breaks my heart when I hear them ask when I'm going to get remarried... it's a question that comes up a lot more often than I'd like... the more I look at my emotional state, the more I know that I should not be dating right now... not for a long time... I took almost a year off when we separated to even have my first date... can you imagine the conversation when it comes to how my relationship is with the ex? It was always something that comes up on a first date because they want to gauge how psycho you are... if you get along then why did you get divorced? If you don't, how much of it was your fault... and to open that can of worms would be to release the floodgate... I have a hard time keeping back the tears when friends are giving toasts at the Christmas parties I've been to... to ask a direct question would make that pot overflow and I don't know when I'm going to be able to handle that... it's kind of interesting that a friend actually asked me how I've been doing... most everyone asks about the kids and all I can say is I think they're doing better than anyone could have expected... I don't know if Hannah internalizes everything like I do or if she's just so young that she's still too wrapped up in her daily life to process what's happened... Jack is... well, he's Jack... he's loud and obnoxious and all boy... he's also the one who cuddles in bed with me for a few minutes before he goes to bed... some moments he wants me to coddle him and others he can't stand to have me love on him... part of it's the age but I still think part of it is his inability to release his emotions... my friend was telling me how another little boy we know who lost his father this summer had been angry but when he was out at the farm, he spent a good 45 minutes yelling and chasing the goats... he had all of this emotion he needed to get out and finally found an outlet for it... I think Jack would benefit from something like that... running around and screaming at those poor goats... but few people stop to ask how I am because they've all told me how strong I am and how I'm the one person that could handle something like this... some days I push it out of my mind and do what I need to to get through the day... other days I have to drag myself to do anything other than shove food in my mouth... I've been nauseous lately and I don't know why... I'm not sick... I'm definitely not pregnant unless I am the chosen one to be raised to the level of the Blessed Virgin Mother... maybe it's the stress of going to court... who knows... either way, it's very late and I'm still awake... I'm tired of being the strong one... I'm looking forward to getting to court and also having a couple of days off... it turns out we don't have Sunday School for the next few weeks so I can either go or not go to church, or at the very least, sleep in a little later... I guess I'll go shower and get dressed and crash on the couch... a little catnap and a pot of coffee ought to do the trick...

2006-12-13T22:10:00.000-06:00

Just when you think the blahs have you something happens that can really perk a girl up... I have been going to the salsa class at the gym on Wednesday nights because it's one hour where I get to dance and just have fun... normally it's all women but tonight there were a couple of guys hanging out in our room before class and we talked them into staying... then one of the other girls brought her husband with her and then one poor guy who was looking at what we were doing got dragged into the room... what is normally a choreographed workout became a couples lesson... and I got to dance with a cute guy... even though it didn't go beyond dancing, it was nice... then another cute guy was sweet at the grocery store when we went to get milk after the gym... is there something stuck to the back of my shirt that says smile at me? It doesn't matter much because I won't be running into any of them again but it feels good to not feel invisible... I think I've been doing my best to stay under the radar for a while now and I need to stick my head out there every once in a while just to keep my bearings...
Part of my funk is also the unknown that's leading up to the hearing next week... hopefully it won't be long and drawn out to have me appointed the administrator of his estate... it's the last piece before I can close that chapter of our lives... I will be relieved to have the new year start and I'm looking forward to starting over... I keep thinking about how everything has played out to now and I think we're doing better than most could have hoped for... God doesn't close a door without opening a window, you just have to be smart enough to look... the other part is the positive thinking... even though I get frustrated (a lot more than I'd like to admit) I never doubt that whatever challenges I have before me will get accomplished... it may not go the route that I had planned but it always works itself out... the whole thing about my car was a bit daunting because there was a moment of fear that I would lose our car... the panic didn't last very long and now I'm in a new car... nicer in most ways than my last one and less problems... it's amazing that doing the task is always easier than the anticipation leading up to it... so now I just have to put aside the anticipation of the hearing and prepare whatever I need to so we'll have everything in order... please keep us in your prayers over this next week and I'm hoping to come back with good news...

2006-12-11T12:32:00.000-06:00

Christmas is a mere two weeks away and I have yet to buy a single present... now that we seem to be on schedule with what I had originally planned for the family, I might actually try to get out and do a little shopping... I've been taking stock of the blessings in our lives as we prepare to go to the Service of Remembrance and Healing tonight... I am fairly certain that I'll be attending but I don't want to keep crying... the irony is my life has been better overall since Chris has died... but if that's the case then why am I so frustrated with everything? My patience doesn't seem to be going as far as it used to and I feel like I'm snapping a bit more over things that don't really matter... there are a couple of pieces that I'm missing still that are taking longer than I would like them too, namely the hearing that we have next week and recovering his property for the kids... getting his girlfriend out of my life permanently would be a big weight off of my shoulders... I still cannot believe the audacity of this girl to be so selfish where his kids are concerned... all I can do is wait for the legal system to do its job... in the mean time I am at the gym most every day because it's the only place where I can drop the kids for a couple of hours and take care of myself... eventually I'll make use of their salon and spa but that will be after I get this month wrapped up... better days are still ahead...

2006-12-08T09:54:00.000-06:00

This week has been more stressful than normal... there was more fallout resulting from some of Chris' actions... I was awarded my car in the divorce along with the obligation to pay off the lien if I wanted to keep it... apparently when Chris filed for bankruptcy, the lien on my car was included in the items that were charged off... the bank said as long as I continued to pay on it I would be fine so for the last year that's what I've done... then this past Monday I receive an unsettling call that they could not reach Chris and that the lien on the car needed to be paid off or be turned in... this is right before Christmas and I cannot be without a car... granted I don't go very far but I still need a vehicle to get around... the bank was unwilling and unable to make arrangements for me to pay off the car over the next month or two but gave me almost two weeks to find a solution... so I applied for loans everywhere I could think of but having been married to Chris and a good chunk of our money going to the bars, my credit rating has suffered because I was unable to pay bills like the credit cards when the necessities were barely covered... it's amazing to me that after the divorce, though I made less money than he did when we were married, I had more money at my disposal... all of the bills got paid on time and there was even money left over to have a little fun... I was able to make improvements around the house and get my car fixed... you know... those extravagant extras that I'm known for getting... anyway, not many lending institutions were keen on loaning me the money but surprisingly a couple of car dealerships had called... it turns out that Saturn of Hurst not only got me approved for a substantial amount, but it would allow me to trade in my car, they could pay off the lien, and I could get myself into a newer car... so last night I prayed all the way out there that these people weren't blowing smoke up my skirt and that I could really bring home a new car... so if you happen by, you'll see my 2006 Chrysler Pacifica sitting in the driveway... it has lots of bells and whistles that I'm learning how to navigate... still haven't figured out what everything does but I'm working on it... plus the kids love the DVD player that we tested once we got home... we watched the beginning of Polar Express in there and never have I seen them more excited about that movie... I will shamelessly plug the dealership... Saturn of Hurst lived up to their word and got me in a car that I like, got me in and out of there in a little over an hour (half the time was picking out what I wanted), and Reggie (my salesman) worked extra hard for a day or so to get the financing done before I got there so all I had to do was sign the papers and take my baby home... so if you need or want a car I highly recommend going to Reggie... he'll take care of you... (817) 899-4011... www.saturnofdfw.com ... tell him that I sent you!
With all of that said, I have to say that all of this reinforces my belief in God and that if you believe, He will take care of you... yes, I did my part and did everything necessary to handle this situation on my own but never did I believe that I would ever be able to get a new car any time in the next two years... I did cry at first from the shock and added stress but after I wiped away the tears I got online and did what I needed to do... I could have fallen back on old habits and had my parents help me out but I am looking forward to the shock on their faces when they come today and see a new car in the driveway... my father will feel that it's unfair... my sister's car died on her a month or two ago while she was driving on the highways of Denver (where the drivers are worse than they are here) and her husband called a dealership from his work, made arrangements for them to pick her up, and then bought both of them new cars... so both of them have new cars and now I have one as well... my Dad hates his Saab and anyone who has ever owned one has their own Saab story... mine was horrible and was in the shop every other week... who knows... maybe he'll go out there and get something new... but through all of this mess, I prayed for peace of mind and was calmed... I knew that things have a way of working themselves out better than I could imagine... this year has been a powerful one in making my faith stronger... I have prayed for success with my business and to be able to support our family without the help of Chris... that was achieved in the month before he died... I prayed for my heart to be opened to the possibilities of being able to love and be loved... that one has also been answered... I have prayed for help to be lifted up when I did not feel strong enough to keep going and he sent all of my wonderful friends to be by my side... I have prayed for help and He has put the right people in my path and I was able to see them because my heart was open... for the doubting minds that could be seen as coincidental and maybe just lucky but no one is that lucky... I truly believe you get what you give and I do my best to give as much as I can... being a friend to those around me and serving others has allowed me more blessings that I ever could have hoped for... so this has been my latest miracle for the Christmas season... my heart and Spirit are overflowing with gratitude and I just pray that I am able to be open to all of the wondrous possibilities that are ahead...

2006-12-05T12:06:00.000-06:00

It has now been two full months since Chris has died... funny how you work so hard to get someone out of your life (or as much as you can when you still have kids together) and now I have to do everything I can to keep his memory alive... I find it only appropriate that I'm now dealing with an enormous financial problem that has become more complicated because of his death... oh the joys of the banking system... with all hope I should have this mess resolved by the end of business tomorrow and well before the deadline I have been given... thanks Chris... you're still a pain...

2006-12-04T00:35:00.000-06:00

This weekend has been a roller coaster ride... I have been feeling better overall because I'm finally back at the gym and my body is feeling it... it's almost like a drug for me because once I start going it's all I want to do... it makes me want to eat better and do whatever I have to do to get myself in the best shape I can be for my best friend's wedding... plus the kids love it and want to go all of the time... the down parts have been random moments of tears... apparently I haven't cried them all out yet... I even shed a few during service today and had to try to keep it to a minimum because I didn't bring that much tissue with me... maybe it's because I know that when the sun comes up it will be the day my attorney will file our motion now that we have waited our 10 days... another step closer to closing that chapter of my life... maybe it's because I still miss that dummy... there truly are moments where it feels like he's going to call to be an ass and the only reason he hasn't is because he's too busy doing something else... then it hits me that I'm on my own... that there's nobody else to lean on for those moments that the kids are just being kids and all I want to do is pull my hair out... and then Hannah asks me today when I'm going to get married again... she asks me if I'm going to marry my friend so he can be her step-dad and all I can say is that I have no plans to get married any time soon... I don't want to tell her that I'm not even ready to really be dating right now... I know I've pulled back from most everyone for the last couple of months and I'm not ready to put my heart out there... I'm not ready to be vulnerable to loving someone only to have them disappoint me, or worse, the kids... I've only dated a few people after the divorce but having Chris die really put me in a weird place emotionally... I want someone to be here for me and hold me at night but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go through what's necessary to get to that stage.... I can't bring men around the kids because they already hug everyone that comes to the door and will practically strangle them until I tell them to stop... we've already had the inappropriate hugging talk but they can't help themselves... they cling to everyone, especially the men... they want a father-figure in their lives so badly but if I allow someone in that later decides to leave, it'll break their hearts... all I can do is let nature take its course and do what I need to to get healthy emotionally and physically... most of the time I feel that I've made great strides and am holding it together pretty well... then I catch a glimpse of myself and see the stress has taken it's toll on my face... I think I look older... I look like I'm always tired and stressed... which is how I feel most of the time but that could be due to the fact that I have been shoving anything that doesn't move into my mouth and hadn't been exercising... I've also allowed the house to get beyond it's usual cluttered stage to a point that I couldn't take it anymore... I spent 6 hours helping Hannah get her room organized and it's still not finished... I haven't touched Jack's room in three weeks except to pull the sheets off his bed but now I have to put them back on... then there's my room... I spent a great deal of time looking for the perfect closet system to get myself organized and love what I have found... the only problem is I still have a small amount of stuff to wash, hang, and put up but my room is the last one to get cleaned so you can guess how often I've felt like doing that lately... before, I could get everything picked up when the kids went to their dad's and it would stay nice and neat for the weekend but now that they're here all of the time it's gotten hard... I'm going to see about having them spend a weekend a month with my mom so I can get everything accomplished... my sister got a kick out of my wish list for Christmas because all I asked for were gift cards to Home Depot and Ikea so I can buy the storage items I need... no clothes or perfumes this year... just more storage solutions... part of that desire for storage is to help me reclaim my life... to take a physical and emotional inventory of what I have and clear out the clutter, both from my house and my heart... I think I talked about this before when I got the closet system but it's doing away with the chaos in my life... I thrive in chaos because it's constant stress for me to keep moving faster and faster to try to get everything done and put a dent in my paper pile... I fear that if I get everything in its place then I will finally have the time to sit and think... then I might fall apart... and I can't do that... it doesn't feel fair that I still haven't just been able to do that... I just want a pair of strong arms wrapped around me so I can cry and let it all out... I want to be taken care of and not have the knowledge that it's all on me... that's what I miss the most about being married... I had a partner... well, not a very good one, but at least he was there... I could curl up next to him at night and still hope that tomorrow would be a better day... that maybe tomorrow he would love me the way that I loved him and he would be the kind of father the kids needed... now that hope is gone... and then I see couples who seem to be happy... and I know that it's not all roses for them because couples annoy each other in their own special way, but I don't know how long it's going to be before there will be a person in my life that I can be annoyed with... sounds crazy to want to have someone to be peeved at because the toilet seat was left up but it's that someone who will come up behind you when you're doing the dishes and kiss the back of your neck... and so I cry...

2006-11-30T22:34:00.000-06:00

The salsa class last night was exactly what I needed... I feel much more like my normal busy self... the lack of oxygen to my body was dragging me down... way down... but throw in a little rhythm and an hour of music where I wasn't thinking about anything was precisely what the doctor ordered... I woke up in a great mood and have been a bit euphoric all day... add in the glistening snow and the excitement of all of the kids as we watched it come down, there wasn't much that could dampen my mood... I even baked today... an activity that I would normally be up to my elbows in with flour and sugar all over but today was a day for my favorite... oatmeal raisin butterscotchie cookies... mmm mmm mmm... yum... with a nice cold glass of milk... and now I've been practicing the new moves I've learned... I look so silly doing it... nothing like the instructor or some of the other girls who go to salsa clubs, but the dancing takes me back to the days of performing... learning new routines and nailing them on the first try... now I have to work a bit harder to move as graceful as I once did but I'll get there... so with a little cha cha, I am on my way back...

2006-11-30T10:49:00.000-06:00

It is snowing... in Texas... and it makes me laugh and smile as memories come flooding back... the first snow of the season always amazes me as it is a rare sight here... I know that it will never stay too long... it probably won't even accumulate but that doesn't lessen the feelings I get... this year the memory that came first was our trip to Denver for Thanksgiving 2004... Chris and I took the kids to my sister's for Thanksgiving and I can tell you how much fun it was that a drive that takes me 13 hours by myself took 15 1/2 hours with the family... the kids needed to get out and stretch their little legs and Chris had to stop and smoke... I drove most of the way and was a little disappointed that we got to Denver after the sun had set... I wanted the kids to experience the first time seeing the Rocky Mountains as I had... floating snow caps in the distance where you could just make out the purplish outline of the mountains... for me it had been breathtaking... I wanted them to feel the same... but it was not destined to be that way... we arrived in the early evening and we switched drivers... I let Chris drive as I told him which way to go... and then Chris was panicked... then I realized what it was... there was snow coming down and it was as if he had never seen it before, let alone have to drive in it... now I moved here from upstate New York where the Alaskan troops did their winter training and this was nothing to be worried about... I laughed as I allayed his fears... the ground was too warm for the snow to stick... we'd be fine and we were only 30 minutes away from my sister's... we arrived in one piece and that was our last Thanksgiving together as a family... it was a bittersweet trip for us as a couple but the kids had a great time... it didn't snow for the rest of our stay but there was enough behind my sister's house for Hannah to make a little snowman... she still talks about that snowman... it's the last one she's been able to make... so maybe this winter we'll get another chance for a new snowman as we have our new set of firsts...

2006-11-29T21:05:00.000-06:00

I have finally taken the first real step to getting my life back... tonight I went out though the weather was going to take a nasty turn and went to the gym... a good friend of mine had mentioned our gym has a salsa class on Wednesday nights and since I have to pick up Jack from choir practice at 6 pm there's not a good excuse to not go... it leaves me with enough time to get in a small workout before the instructor puts us through the paces... my whole body aches but I feel good... it was also nice to be somewhere that nobody knew me or my situation so I didn't have to think about anything but putting my feet in the right places... I'm glad I went and hope the exercise gets me out of this funk... I'm tired of feeling blah... I can smile all I want and have fun during the day but the nights have been harder... I fell back into not being able to sleep before 2 or 3 am and my body just can't take that anymore... plus I need to stay fresh because my attorney called and informed me the girlfriend has her own representation and our motion will go to the judge on Monday... I am nervously excited about the possibilities of getting this over with as quickly I can... this is the last step of closing that chapter of my life... who knew that the start of my new decade would hold this much? I just pray that the rest of my thirties will be less dramatic...

2006-11-28T14:52:00.000-06:00

Is it worse to be completely ignorant of mindless destruction or to be aware and still do nothing? I ask that because I am very aware that I have been mindlessly eating for the last eight weeks... initially I was eating when I wasn't hungry because Chris' death suppressed my appetite and I knew that I needed to eat to keep up my strength... then I kept on eating as everyone kept bringing meals and groceries, indulging in the treats that I generally never buy... I could have sustained myself by getting back to my workout regiment but I have found it difficult to force myself out of the house and down to the gym... as much as I like new experiences, I am very particular about where I work out and more so when the new gym is constantly busy... my old gym was very small but comfortable... I knew what I needed to do and there was a core group of people who we saw most every day who kept us accountable... yes, I know most of my friends belong to my new gym but this seems harder than when I first started dating... neither one is a comfortable situation... there's that word again... comfortable... can you tell that I'm hesitant to put myself in a new situation... yes, I want to move forward with my life but a part of me wants to withdraw completely and do nothing... and I am aware of that... I am aware that this is not good for my Being... definitely not good for my body... I see that I am still trying to hold on to the way my life was just a few short months ago... back when I was happy most all of the time... today I feel completely spaced out and though I am dressed in workout clothes I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't make it to the gym... I will find a good excuse to not go... I have some projects I need to finish... I need to watch television now that I have cable... I need to sit down and eat another cookie/brownie/whatever chocolate I can find... I can feel the will just drain right out of me... then I think maybe it would be alright since I know I'll be going tomorrow... there's a salsa class that a friend of mine thinks is fun and I know she'll more than likely be there... a sad resignation of my present life... not even really living... just merely existing... I will force myself back outside now to enjoy the weather with the kids before the winter winds arrive... here's to getting at least one foot back on the treadmill...

2006-11-26T17:12:00.000-06:00

The holidays are in full swing... most of you should have already received our Christmas card and the big day is only 4 short weeks away... with Turkey Day behind us and the stores now into their extended holiday hours, some of the radio stations have switched to their non-stop rotation of Christmas music... though our tree has been up for quite some time, it didn't really feel like the season had arrived... I guess part of that comes with it still being warm enough to wear shorts... so to get our family into the spirit we are starting a new family tradition... we curled up on the couch and watched The Polar Express... nothing like the magic of Christmas touching the hearts of unbelievers... I remember reading the book years ago and part of the wonder of the season is how it perpetuates itself... we are brought up to believe in a generous man who brings presents to good little children everywhere... we parents often get to use this as a mild threat to keep the kids in line... especially in the age of cell phones and my children believe that Mommy is friends with everyone, including Santa... we hit a point in our lives where we no longer have that magic in our hearts and spread our disdain to our siblings and force our newfound truth on our classmates... but then something wondrous happens... we get to become Santa as we have children of our own... it comes full circle... we become the magic and take delight in watching their little faces light up as they get that one special item that they knew we would never buy for them... and so I'm hoping that my kids will be like that little boy on the Polar Express and will believe... we all should have a little magic in our lives...

2006-11-23T01:45:00.000-06:00

It is officially Thanksgiving! I took a brief nap after dinner so I could do my major house cleaning and prep anything that I can start before the food needs to go in the oven...

This Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet... what am I thankful for this year?
1. All of the beautiful souls in my life who have lifted us up through their prayers and generous deeds... without them none of this would be possible...
2. My children... they are the reason for Being... they make me better and I feel blessed to be charged with the care of these little people...
3. My family... they are always there... even when I don't want them to be though I secretly enjoy all of the fuss...
4. Serenity... through all of the chaos, there have been moments where I was blissfully at peace when I realized that all of the unknowns that come with being divorced and sharing custody are now over... it seems like that should be selfish but as a dear friend pointed out I now have a clean slate and a whole life ahead of me...
5. Emotions... there have been days where I have been guilty of going through the motions without truly being present... the intense wave of emotions keep me grounded and more appreciative of every moment that I am blessed with... I can feel joy in playing with the kids, laughing with friends, and the incredible love of the people in our lives...
6. Peace... I'm thankful that Chris is finally no longer struggling with his demons... he can now rest...
7. Last but not least, I am thankful my Christmas cards are in the mail... hopefully I got most everyone... there were a few people I didn't have addresses for but 88 cards are in the capable hands of the postal service and I'll get the rest out on Friday... there would have been a newsletter in with the photo cards but I couldn't bring myself to printing it out... I don't know why it was so hard... maybe next year...

I guess that should do it for why I am thankful this year... today is a day for family and friends... make sure you tell everyone how much you love them and take a moment to truly enjoy this day...

2006-11-22T19:26:00.000-06:00

One other note worth mentioning... after his sister received my email about what measures I would take to ensure that I was the administrator for Chris' estate she has stepped back and said that she would not interfere... let's hope that's the last of people getting in my way to having this resolved...

2006-11-22T18:52:00.000-06:00

I knew that tonight someone would be bringing the kids' things over from their Dad's house... I knew that I would have to check off the items, ensure the inventory list was complete, and sign so there would be proof that the items were received... what I did not know is that another wave would crash over me and leave me a crying mess... I was not expecting to react so strongly to how everything smelled... it's a mix a soapy-citrus and cigarette smoke... it had always been one that I couldn't stand smelling on the kids when they came back from his house... I'm so sensitive to the odors because of my allergies so I would make the kids put their clothes in the wash and toss them in the tub... now I'm not sure if I'll be able to wash that smell away because it's one last connection they will have with their Daddy... it also makes me realize how much I still miss him and though I may be able to get through a day without getting upset, I will always have a piece of my heart missing...

2006-11-21T08:15:00.000-06:00

Nothing like waking up to an email from Chris' sister saying that she wants to be named the administrator when I have already expressed my intent to be the one appointed... I can feel my blood pressure rising but I'm still in a position that may force her to back off... the ultimate trump card is how much involvement that I choose to allow them to have if she proceeds and I stated that I would pull back completely from them if she did not allow me to finish what I have started... she seems to think that the law will be fair and that the administrator will have the power to disperse his estate as deemed fit but she may not realize that the law is black and white and there is no room to be fair... all of his physical estate will go to the children and the money will go mainly to the the IRS... as administrator I would receive 5 % of the estate for handling the affair but that would be the only way I could guarantee the kids would get any of the money... no one wants to say outright that they want the girlfriend to be able to keep some of his things... they won't tell me how they truly feel about me because they want to walk that fine line between keeping me happy and the girlfriend happy... I had doubts about having any of them in our lives before and this will solidify my position... I know that I wasn't the only one to feel pain in losing Chris... he was a big part in all of our lives... I couldn't imagine losing my sister or my child... but that doesn't make the legal situation any different... I am not enjoying having to be ruthless but I will do everything necessary to secure what the children are entitled to... and if that means I'll have to drop a house on more than the girlfriend then I am fully prepared to do so... so the saga continues...

2006-11-20T18:33:00.000-06:00

I think I've made a turn for the better... I've been spending more time talking to friends from my previous life where I was happy most all of the time... back in the days where the hardest part of my life was juggling working full time with school full time... my most recent reconnection has noticed that I have evolved a bit... I won't say that I feel like I've evolved into an enlightened being, but I am more aware of how my actions affect those around me... it makes me wonder how much any of us change when we are content (or maybe just too lazy) with our situations... I fought hard to keep a marriage held together by the tiniest threads and you can't make a person want to be there if they'd rather be somewhere else... but I fought for our marriage because I am like most others in that I don't like change... I'd rather be miserable and know that I'll be miserable than to be forced into new situations... change waits for no one... my life changed so quickly that I didn't have a choice... I could either embrace it or hide away... it would have been easy to use the divorce as an excuse to extract myself from my daily world and crawl into bed but that's not my style... so I've had to adapt and adjust to my new reality... and here I am again, a year later and being forced through more change... this really could have been the end of how you all know me to be... this could easily have forced me into a rubber room where they'd take away any blunt objects as I drooled on my ice cream... there are days that I don't remember how I got through it but what I do know is I had my friends constantly surrounding me, making sure that I was taken care of... I went through the motions of being alive but I wasn't there... I put on my show choir face and faked my way through, hopefully convincing the kids that we were going to be all right... the funny thing about standing on that precipice waiting to jump is that it takes more effort to stand still than it does to fall into the unknown... so I have plunged into the unknown with only one certainty; I'm on my own... I can no longer be mad at anyone else for any failures or shortcomings... it's all on me... life cannot remain stagnant if you desire happiness in this world... I could easily hide in my own safe little world where my dear sweet friends will shelter me from the realities of this world but there is so much more that I have yet to explore... so my question for all of you is are you truly content with your life or are you just going through the motions?

2006-11-17T18:04:00.000-06:00

The Wizard of Oz has always been one of my favorites and its characters keep popping up in my train of thought... I am constantly surrounded by my wee little munchkins all day long and love to take care of them, and part of that involves giving kisses... now for whatever reason when I gave one little girl a kiss on the forehead, all I could think of is Glenda the Good Witch kissing Dorothy on the forehead for protection... it's the mark of Love... the greatest protection that one could ever have against this cruel world... now for those of you that know me you might be laughing, thinking there's no way I'd be Glenda the Good Witch of the North, but why not? I've had too many bad thoughts going through my mind about dropping a house on the Wicked Witch and taking those slippers! They're mine! And so I digress... but if you happen to hear me humming Ding, Dong, the witch is dead... which old witch... the wicked witch... ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead... she's gone where the goblins go... be-low... below, below... oh oh... and I can't remember the rest of the words... but you get the point... if you catch me humming that then you'll know that this turmoil is almost over... I can't wait!

2006-11-17T13:44:00.000-06:00

I look at yesterday and scratch my head... I had a good session with my minister and she liked the little checklist I had found on GriefWorks website... she took it with her so she could share it with the rest of the Stephens ministers... I felt like I had worked through a good deal of my grief and was well on my way to greener pastures... then I talk to his sister and realize how much anger I have pent up... I have yet to speak to the girlfriend aside from the time that she told me she wouldn't allow us to come over and that I'd need a court order to get anything... there is so much I want to say to her that I have only been able to post here or tell to his sister or mother... I don't like having to wait... I'm not that patient... I guess that's the most frustrating part... she lives not too far from here and I know where I can find her at work but I can't bring myself to confront her because I worry that she will hide some of Chris' things and make it impossible to recover everything that the kids want... I want to be done with this mess... I want my life to be able to move forward without her in it... you'd think she'd want me out of hers as well but maybe this is her last connection to Chris... maybe she's holding on so hard because it would mean that he's really dead... it took me a while to get that through my head but it doesn't stop from talking to him when I'm upset... it doesn't stop me from talking about him with the kids and remembering him... just because the body is gone does not mean that they're not still with us... I may have told the kids that Daddy's now in the hearts of all the people that love him to help comfort them, but they were not just words... he's in my heart... I will always have love for him... and I now can love him without worrying that he's going to do something else that would hurt me... no more court fights with him over custody of the kids or fear that he will reduce the child support or just not pay... there's nothing left for him to do because all I have left of him are the memories and the love... maybe I'm just too rational about all of this... I've such an analytical mind and will work through every situation before I actually make a move... so now I will just have to bide my time and let the lawyers handle everything...

2006-11-16T20:25:00.000-06:00

Anger and frustration are my current master... I had been in a good mood all day until Chris' sister called... nothing like hearing how they think I should be fair to the girlfriend... not how the girlfriend should do what's right and turn over all of the stuff to the kids... how I should have sympathy for her and not begrudge her that she's spending the kids' money on utilities and improvements on her home... not how the kids should have gotten their father's ashes... they all feel that I should let the anger go... that's not the part that's going to hurt her... it won't be my anger but the wrath of a woman scorned... it will be the full weight of the courts coming down on her like a house dropping on the wicked witch of the east, with only her sister to mourn her... can you tell that I'm a wee bit upset? The upside to anger is that I get a lot more work done and that means my last closet will finally be cleaned out and I can find a few items that I need to return to a couple of people (sorry if I haven't gotten your stuff out to you yet! It's coming!)... so now I'm going to be productive and simmer...

2006-11-16T07:47:00.000-06:00

This has been an odd night... I am acutely aware that grief is a process that comes in waves and some moments I'm up and others I'm down... at the present moment I am up... I'm currently listening to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie over and over again... it's a great song that makes you want to dance and if you've ever seen the video all you can think of is trying to imitate how she's dancing... like I said in the previous post, music moves me, and this is the first time I've popped this CD in since Chris died... up until this summer's pilgrimage to Denver I had never intentionally listened to her music... I'm not that trendy... I'm a mommy who knows all of the words to The Wheels on the Bus and I can name all of the Wiggles... I hadn't listened to Top 40 music in a long long time but I couldn't help but dance when I heard my sister play this song... she's got DVR and had recorded a countdown on VH1 where this song had made the list and she loved watching the video... she got me hooked and I bought the album that day... when I got back to Dallas I put it in and listened to it when I'm cleaning, doing laundry, the dishes, in the shower, just about anytime when other kids aren't here... I loved it so much that I badgered the girl at my old gym to get it so we could listen to it with all of the other music she'd play during our workouts... this is exactly what I need to get back into my groove...

2006-11-15T18:49:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder why some people are brought into your life for brief moments while others get to be with you longer? Can you see what value they have added to your life and do you appreciate the lessons that comes with having them enrich your life? Some have a hard time figuring out what to say to me in these days because there is no standard Hallmark response for having your friend's ex-husband shoot himself while she was talking to him... could you imagine that section in the greeting card aisle? It would be somewhere between I'm sorry you married such a bum and Your husband's been cheating on you with your brother... What I find interesting is there are so many out there that never realize that each person is put in your path for a purpose... it's difficult for some to see the value in having a man in my life that did not hold our marriage sacred... but he did serve a purpose... he gave me the most precious gift that one could receive and I could never repay him for making me a mother... those kids have changed me for the better... they make it hard to be selfish... it's a love that runs deeper than any other... in a strange way Chris also gave me a better appreciation for life... during the end of our marriage, I barely recognized the person that stared back at me in the mirror... I was a shell of my former self... I didn't smile all that much... I was cranky... I didn't spend time with any friends and avoided being out of the house for anything other than the grocery store... after the divorce I had to find myself... it sounds so cliche but it's true... I took a year off from men and got to know myself again... I started singing and dancing around the house... that is quite a sight! But it put a smile back on my face... I listened to music from happier times and played every musical soundtrack I owned and danced to all of the choreography from the shows I had been in... (I now find it ironic that I was cast as one of Judas' tormentors in Jesus Christ Superstar considering my present situation)... there is something about music that moves my soul... I don't claim to be any good but it doesn't stop me from doing it! One of my best friends had commented to me that I seemed much more like I used to be than I had over the last few years... she's known me for 18 years so she'd know... I guess that's good that I'm back to my center (or at least close)... There have also been a few other people who were present but only for a moment... one showed me that I was still attractive and funny and that it was possible to be happy after divorce... another has shown me that there are possibilities that I never even dreamed of... we truly have no control over how long these souls are to mingle with ours but we must enjoy them for however long they are around... others have been a staple in my daily life but I had never given them too much thought because we are all running after our children, worrying about dinner, and how we'll get the laundry done... now they play a much larger role in our lives and it's taken this tragedy to make me see their importance... what would you say or do with one of your friends if you knew that this was the last day they would be on this earth? And how do you factor in with all of this? I never think much about what I do or say and how it impacts those around me... I can only be myself and do the best that I can do... I can only continue to live a life of gratitude for all of the wonderful people I have in my life and hope that my children can follow my lead...

2006-11-14T20:57:00.000-06:00

There aren't too many things that I hate in this world that can't be handled by lawyers but the one I hate the most is crying... I know... I know... there is a time and a place for everything and there must be a good reason why our eyes leak water for nothing more than an emotion pulling on our heart strings... why the strong language? Because I have been crying every other time I turn around these days... the aftershocks are almost as strong as the initial quake... one particular friend seems to be very good at pulling on my heart strings... she has been a good friend over these past few years and after today I look at her more like a sister... I can't say this to her directly because I would start bawling all over again... (You know who you are!)... we have been making each other cry over random acts of kindness and she looks out for me and my kids... I may have only one biological sister (who I adore) but I now need both hands and at least one foot to count the number of women I include as sisters... it's a bond that runs deeper than friendship... it's something that I wish that all women had... to know that there are those out in this often lonely world who hold us close when life is rough and take care of us when we are not strong enough to ask... it is a blessing to have these women in my life... I could not have made it through these last six weeks without them and I shall be eternally grateful...

2006-11-13T21:23:00.000-06:00

Life seems to be coming full circle... I have just spoken to one of the ghosts from my past... someone who apparently has pictures of me sleeping with Murphy the cat, now deceased... the good part of all of the tragedy that I have endured is I have heard from more people from my past and have been reconnecting with a lot of people who I just thought the world of... my sweet friend was unsure if I was the same Sarah from all those years ago but after looking at my profile he could tell that it was indeed me and we've just spent an hour on the phone... amazing how much can change over a decade or so and that we can talk like we just saw each other yesterday... I am truly grateful for all of my friends... I know I should lean on them more but it's hard... I'm not sure why I hold back... I'm just afraid that if I hug them too long I will crumble into a sobbing mess... I've been crying more lately out of the blue... it never lasts too long... a song will come on... I'll find a note that he wrote... see a picture stuck in a book... and I'll sit there and cry... it's coming up on 6 weeks and I am tempted to call his cell phone to see what'll happen... I take it back... I just called his cell phone and it goes straight to his voice mail... it's the first time that I've heard his voice since he killed himself and here come the tears... my heart aches... I just don't understand how he could have been so hopeless that killing himself was the only way to make things better... I just don't understand... no matter how bleak life gets I know that tomorrow is an opportunity to have a better day... my heart is racing like it did that night... my anxiety level has shot through the roof and I wish I could do something... anything... to take it all back and bring him home... to look at him one more time... did you all know that I had my friends take pictures during the private viewing and funeral? The funeral was closed casket but we got to see him and touch him during the viewing... my friend won't show me the photos yet... she's going to put them in an album for me for later... maybe five or ten years from now when I can look at them and not have all of the agony come flooding back... they always say that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle but why this? Why did He think that I could handle hearing Chris shoot himself in the heart and then have to tell our babies? In most ways we're better off but that still doesn't make it any easier... if I have too much quiet time I can hear bits and pieces of our last conversation... the other night I saw an accident outside of my kitchen window when a car hit one of the stop signs at the intersection behind our house... there weren't any sirens, only police lights flashing... much like that night that I turned onto his street and it was lined all the way up to his house with flashing lights... and it comes rushing back... the flashes through his office window as they took the crime scene photos... of them wheeling his body out of the house... it all comes back... haven't I cried enough for this man? Haven't I done all that I can for him? The only thing left to do is to bring his remains home so he can be with his kids where he belongs but I have to go through the courts to do that... I don't know what else I am supposed to do... maybe that's why I want to sleep every free moment I have... that way I don't have to feel this pain... this exquisite excruciating pain...

2006-11-13T08:11:00.000-06:00

I can't seem to shake the fog that I have been wandering around in... my whole weekend was fairly laid back because there weren't too many places I had to be and I was under the haze of cough medicine... I was supposed to go to the rodeo Sunday with friends but I was coughing my lungs up so I let Hannah go and Jack and I stayed home... it did some good to catch up on sleep as most nights are interrupted by coughing fits... today seems to be better... I think I got most of the yuck out of my lungs...

Thoughts go back and forth about how severe of a depression I will be going through... I know enough about the topic from both school and having been through it three times to recognize the symptoms... it's interesting to watch the expressions on others faces... some read the blog and are aware of what I'm going through... others don't know and don't seem to realize that there's something behind the smile... it's been hard talking to others in person about what I'm dealing with because it feels like I'd be burdening them... I know many have told me that they're always here for me to talk to but it's really hard to open up like that... the only person I can do that with is my minister and that's because that's her job... she's quickly becoming a friend but she's outside of the situation and it's the same as if I were blogging... it's anonymous enough that I can just let it all out... and how many of us hide the fact that we're depressed? How many of us are on anti-depressants or other medication just to make it through the day and don't acknowledge it's part of our lives? It's as if it were shameful and it is something to hide but it is something that we should all be able to just let out there without fear of the repercussions... how far must we retreat into our shells and keep on the happy face to the outside world? I smile and can get through a day because I have no choice... I can't spend every day in bed because the kids depend on me to take care of them... I do feel good at times but it is very easy for me to isolate myself because I work from home and have stepped back from most of my obligations until after the holidays... I may have gotten my tree up already but there are so many things that I can't seem to bring myself to do and others that I can't keep on my radar longer than a few minutes, only to be forgotten the moment one of the kids interrupts my thought process... and so you can imagine how much I'm not getting done... even now Jack is trying to talk to me as I type instead of doing what he's supposed to be doing... I found a checklist of sorts on GriefWorks website that's titled How Do I Know I Have Grieved... it's nice having a list like that to help me see how much more work I need to do... there are some things on there like identifying and grieving for secondary losses... that's a step I've already taken... but others like Are you no longer forgetful? and Has your concentration improved? are some that I have yet to be able to say yes to... part of me would like to fast forward life to six or eight months from now when I think life will be better but I know that I have to experience every facet of my emotions so I can cauterize these wounds... funny how pulling a list off of the internet is comforting... though I know not to believe everything that I read, there is a bit of solace in having a mini-guide book to walk me through what else to expect... once I can answer yes to all 22 questions then I know that I'm better... life will never go back to the way it was before, and there are a lot of reasons that I'm thankful for that... part of me wonders how much lighter this depression would be if I weren't having to legally haggle with the girlfriend... if only she could have acted like a reasonable human being instead of how she has been... it's too much to expect of others to behave appropriately when their track record is sleeping with your husband and acting like a controlling psycho... it's like expecting a chicken to oink like a pig... I guess I should expect her to act no better than she's been and just let the courts deal with her... so that's where I'm at... aware of the depression that's wrapping around me like a warm blanket and trying to let go of the past... there's nothing more that I can do that could change the outcome... it is what it is... so I will make an attempt to finally go to the gym and get on with my life...

2006-11-11T00:02:00.000-06:00

I had a moment of brilliance in this murky mire that has become my life... I just wrote a 22 page children's book from my daughter's perspective of what happened the day I told her that her Daddy died, her view of the funeral arrangements, and what she has been told about her emotions in dealing with her new life without her Daddy... I'm hoping that she will help me out and do the illustrations for each page... I think this will be a good keepsake for her to flip back through in later years and may submit this to the publishing world... if anyone has a connection in that field, please feel free to let me know!

2006-11-10T20:50:00.000-06:00

Blah... blah... blah...

I'm having a hard time constructing a single thought for the moment... I am struggling with my allergies moving from my head down into my lungs... I've had a wicked cough for the last few days and I've found an OTC drug that seems to be helping but now I have a dry cough and tickle... it's almost as if someone's trying to tell me to take a few days off but I can't... I have most of tomorrow free... I think I'm going to pick up a few filing bins so I can get my papers organized and put away... I'd like to find my bedroom floor again... there is also a rather high probability that I won't get much of anything done but I'm willing to live with it...

Today has been almost nice... it was the last day for one of my day care kids and I was so glad to see them go... the little girl was incredibly sweet when I got her nine months ago but back then she was the youngest and was still being babied... now that I have a couple others that are younger and require more attention, she seems to act out more and was going head to head with Jack every other moment... one of the blessings of Chris' passing is that it was a perfect excuse to boot them out of here... I cannot stand those that are disloyal... the mother almost pulled her daughter out without giving me any notice and the only reason she didn't is no one would or could take her daughter... one person she interviewed with is someone who knows me and called to give me a heads up... ever since then I've been waiting for a time when I would be in a position to get rid of them... and the last day has finally come and I'm free of one more headache... I hate to think of any child as being a brat but my goodness... there are some parents who will profess that their child doesn't behave like that at home, but at home the child is getting their way... I am a bit more rigid in having rules and providing boundaries... and I know kids will push to check their limits but after nine months the child should know to not stand up on the stools and to do what is asked the first time, if not the second time... not throw a raging fit that sounds as if someone was murdering her... so yes, I had a happy moment today as the door closed on that pair for the last time and I can now have more peace in my home...

And believe it or not, it's 9:32 p.m. and I'm still working... I'll have the two brothers here for maybe another half hour or so... hopefully not longer than that because I am ready to go to bed... even with knowing that we'll be alright financially, I still can't pass up an opportunity to make a little more money... I'm stockpiling for all of the legal bills that I know are coming and if they prove to be less than I thought then I can start getting the house back in order and finally have windows and doors that don't let all of the weather in... so now I'm going to finish my glass of wine and enjoy this moment of quiet as everyone is laying down and hopefully drifting off to sleep...

2006-11-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

blah

2006-11-09T23:06:00.000-06:00

I guess if I think it and then another person says it, it must be true... I was talking to my minister today and was telling her about how I've been feeling and it seems that we've both reached the same conclusion... I've hit the depression stage of my grief and I'm hoping that it won't last too long... I'm up and functioning, though some days better than others, and I'm trying to do everything I can to stay on top of my life but it's getting hard... one of the things I didn't realize that I was mourning for was my loss of freedom... odd thing... I had been happy about being divorced because it meant I had every other weekend to myself and could go out and do whatever I wanted... it meant I could totally sleep in and not get out of bed or I could be on the go... I could see grown up movies where there's not a single cartoon anywhere and stay out as late as I wanted... I planned all of my dates for those weekends and got to have as much fun as I wanted... I know I could do all of that still if I really wanted to but it's not the same anymore... maybe it was good to have this last year "off" from being a mother 24/7 and getting back to what was important to me... it seems that I will be putting my "wild" side on the back burner for now as we continue to regroup... so funny to think that my wild side consists of going to an R-rated movie and having a glass of wine... maybe staying out until 11 pm... yep... wild and crazy... I'd much rather be home these days anyway... I've dumped the contents of my closets and although the clothes and shoes have found a home, I still have boxes of files to go through... I opened one box up and found some of the papers I wrote in college and I found an old Valentine's card from Chris... back from the first year we were together and we still liked each other... you can love someone without liking them and I distinctly remember when he gave me this card... we liked each other a whole lot... I keep finding memories tucked away in all of these boxes... it's much harder than I would have thought to make it through... I guess I'm doing a good job... at least that's what everyone's telling me... but now I have to get the rest of me up to speed... I just wish the frustrations would stop... I wish there was a happy ending to all of this mess... but I know all I can do is make the most of each day that I have... that each day is a gift and I have to treat it as such... these last five weeks have been a horrible blur and it amazes me that my emotions are just now really catching up... time is all that I've got now to help make it better... that and the legal system... so my mind is all jumbled for the time... some of it due to my allergy and cold medication... some of it from dealing with our situation... either way we'll make it through...

2006-11-08T22:22:00.000-06:00

Life has been a haze a allergy medications and kleenex these last few days... our pot luck dinner was fun and the chocolate cake went over pretty well... we also had a wine tasting at the beginning of our dinner so that in conjunction with the medicine I had taken left me a little loopy that evening... for all of you that were there I'm sure you noticed I was out of it... I'm hoping that is all due to the medication instead of me becoming depressed... it's hard to tell... it all feels about the same... the last time I felt like this was when I had post-partum depression after each of the kids were born... either way I don't like it... my mind has yet to really focus on any particular task and my short term memory seems to be shot... I forget details and it's getting a bit embarrassing that I can't remember to take items along to where they need to be or return a phone call... my head is full and I wish I could focus... I feel like I'm behind in a lot of areas and would like to be back at my usual capacity where I'm juggling three or four events and still making all of my deadlines... this has forced me to slow my life down and evaluate all of my priorities... I've now attending two of our Moms Club events where I haven't done a single thing except to show up... being out of the loop has been odd but I'll be back with all of that after the holidays... is it going to take me that long to recover? I know everyone recovers at their own pace and there is no timeline to be back at 100%... I want to be fine... I want to normal... or at least as normal as I was before... I also want to not feel completely exhausted all of the time... I can never get enough sleep these days even when I go to bed early... I'm looking forward to this weekend because this is the first Saturday I won't have to do too much and I can sleep in a bit... that's the part that worries me right now... I feel as though I'm slipping down the rabbit hole and won't be able to find my way back...

2006-11-06T12:55:00.000-06:00

Life can be cruel... I have a pot luck dinner tonight and I'm bringing a dessert... not just any dessert... but one of my Halloween cake concoctions where I raid the kids' candy to see what I can use for a cake... after a little digging I have found enough Snicker bars to add to my chocolate cake mix along with a little sweet potato... no, I'm not kidding... usually I add pureed black beans for added fiber but in light of the holiday theme I went with the sweet potatoes... I love making monster creations because they turn out a little different each time... this one proved to be a success as it is very decadent and is now under a layer of homemade chocolate frosting that has a few Milky Ways melted in for good measure... I can almost feel myself slipping into my usual holiday mode... a time when my inner Betty Crocker takes over and I start baking cakes and cookies for the masses... now the cruel part is the weather has been shifting and my allergies are in full force... I can barely taste anything because my head is stuffy and I'm hoping that my medication kicks in before I go to the dinner tonight... events like these keep me moving... some days I find myself talking out loud, usually aimed at Chris, but when it gets busy I have a hard time dwelling too much on what's happened... my life has turned into a big soap opera and I am forced to laugh... all I'm missing is Prince Charming on a white steed to rescue me... not that I need rescuing... I've always thought of my life as pretty boring and predictable because nothing exciting ever happened... the biggest upset in my life was getting the flu a couple of years ago and had to miss Open House at the preschool after we had worked so hard to pull it all together... now I've got drama and intrigue as daily partners and waiting for the next installment can be a little much... a friend of mine sees everything as a film and I told him I see life as a book... all of the characters have incredible back stories and there's a bit of wonder as to where the story will lead... mine's still being written and I'm just waiting for it to unfold... I've taken as much action as I possibly can for now and just have to let the legal system do its job... before I know it, Christmas will be here and time will hopefully start to make all of the pain fade away... I miss him... I miss all of the aggravation of coordinating our schedules so the kids can see him... there's never going to be any of that again... it's finally starting to sink in that I am completely on my own raising these kids... I know I can do it but it doesn't make missing him any easier... incredible that I still have feelings for him after all that we've been through... I never wanted him back but I was glad that he would always be a part of my life... I was finally getting the relationship with him that I had wanted and now I have to hold him up so the kids can remember him... I may gloss over the fact that he was an asbent father for the first five years and almost let Jack drown in the pool because he was too busy drinking... (Jack thankfully was pulled out of the pool by one of our neighbors who has since become one of my friends though I was unaware of what she had done when I met her)... I may gloss over the fact that he was never fully committed to our marriage because I'm hoping to instill in the kids that marriage is sacred and should not be taken lightly... I'm hoping to teach Jack how to properly treat a woman and teach Hannah how she should be treated... they no longer have an example of what not to do ever-present in their lives... all things I am thankful for... no more second-hand smoke or drinking and driving... but also no more fun camping trips and spontaneous jaunts to Six Flags... things that will have to wait until they're a little bit older or until I can talk my mother into going along... but we have a lifetime ahead of us to do whatever I feel like and for that I am a bit sorry that Chris can't physically be here to enjoy it with us... it's getting easier but I still miss him...

2006-11-05T15:11:00.000-06:00

Wow... two whole days without blogging! It's mostly due to the weather and I've been working non-stop for the last couple of days... I've also been thinking about how I was going to teach the lesson today, God wants us to forgive, without feeling hypocritical... I had to correlate it to getting a surprise present... we expect presents on our birthdays and at Christmas but they are especially nice when they are given unexpectedly... and so forgiveness is like an unexpected gift that feels good to give... that's a huge concept for kids to grasp let alone adults... I have doubt if I will truly be able to forgive the girlfriend for what she's taken away from my kids... she was not the one to pull the trigger but he couldn't bear to go on without her... what also troubles me is I've recently met someone who was out with Chris and the girlfriend the night she had him arrested... the more that comes out about how the end of their relationship was collapsing, the more upset with her I get... my attorney has also alluded that Chris' estate was a bit larger than I had thought and I can't wait for this girl to feel the full weight of the courts come down on her... I'm not the kind of person that should be teaching 4 year olds about forgiveness for the moment... maybe this lesson is more for me... I have tried to forgive her before things got ugly in the legal sense and now I am aggravated... but then I think back to the exercise I did with the kids... I had them hold a load of large, heavy blocks that represented anger and all bad feelings... then I had them "forgive" one another so the load could be put down... and with each block I thought about how the anger I feel for the girlfriend may be holding me back from moving on with my life... every day is another baby step forward... my hair's done today and I look presentable, but I would much rather be curled up in bed... but I have to acknowledge part of it is because the weather is bleak today and that makes me want to go back to bed instead of finishing up my errands... plus I had a baby here last night until after midnight... I do need to catch up on sleep... anyhoo... forgiveness weighs heavily on my mind... I pray that I will be able to at some point...

2006-11-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

Today marks four full weeks of our new life... four weeks of uncertainty in some areas but four weeks of nothing but love from those around us... four weeks of the most heart warming people you could ever wish to have in your life... there are still moments where I don't feel like we deserve all that we've been given but it is a testament to the spirit of God... sometimes we go through life unaware of how our actions affect one another... a smile to a stranger... holding the door... helping a friend and neighbor with a mundane chore... listening to each other... I guess along the way I've been nice enough to elicit a smile and a wave... I've managed to score a few invitations to some of the coveted parties in the neighborhood... nothing that I have done I would find extraordinary for what I believe friends should do for each other but here I am in total awe of these women around me... they've pulled together and I truly feel the love... they have loaned us their husbands for odd jobs and have made meals... everything that we could need but never would dare ask for... and so I'm finally getting around to doing all of my thank you notes that I hope to have out by next week... how do I thank these wonderful people with words? I'm not sure but I hope that they all know how much I appreciate each and every one of them...

On a side note, I first must apologize for making anyone feel that they're behind... yes, Halloween was a couple of days ago and yes, my Christmas tree is up... no, I'm not joking... it is actually up... our first Christmas in this house was my opportunity to get one of those prelit trees that I wouldn't have to mess with too much and I loved it... I loved it for three years until all of the lights stopped working and left me with a sad tree that I couldn't untangle the prelit lights from so this year I thought I would make a fresh start and get a new tree... I found one online that suited my needs and ordered it... I figured it would take a while to get here so I was very surprised when it arrived on Halloween... I was left with two choices... put the box in the garage and forget about it or put it up now and have ten weeks of Christmas... I love everything there is about Christmas... it's the one time of year you can be annoyingly cheerful and bake cookies and make homemade ornaments and be crafty... yes... all of that stuff you always said you would do when you became a mommy and have never gotten around to doing... I do it all... I should say that the reason I do it all is my family didn't have much in the way of traditions growing up so when I had a family of my very own, I made a few up... we do our bluebonnet pictures in the spring, we go to the pumpkin patch in the fall, and every Christmas we do our best to keep up with Martha Stewart... so yes, I took plain wreaths and garlands and decorated them by myself... I did not pick the pine cones that I used but my mother did... she knew I was looking for some big ones and there were tons by her work... no sense in paying good money for things that fall from trees... and so I have about ten weeks of Christmas cheer ahead of me... it's the time that I'm partially dreading because this is the first year on our own and I'm afraid of how we'll be as a family... I'm starting to get the hard questions about how and why Daddy died and maybe the kids will break down when they fully realize that he is truly gone... so now I'm shifting the focus to Christmas and hope we can get by as smoothly as we did for Halloween... Cornish Game Hen Day (formerly known as Turkey Day) is not as big of a deal for our family and now that I can't have turkey, it'll just be another day for food and family and I get to sleep in... I've put the kids on a kind of scavenger hunt for ornaments this year... we generally make a few but I like to buy a few to add to the others that we've collected... I started a new ornament collection when we moved in since that was our first real tree as a family and all we've been buying are wooden ornaments... Jack wasn't very big then but I knew it wouldn't take him long to break the glass ones... so their task is to find a country style wooden cross ornament... maybe something a little swirly as long as they adore it... I want them to remember how much we have been blessed as a family in this time when others have not been as fortunate... I think about how Chris' family has taken this heartbreak and they have a much longer road than we do... they have far more guilt and issues to deal with that we were fortunate enough not to be burdened with... I am thankful every day for all of those that hold us in their thoughts and prayers and have shown us God's grace and mercy... I just pray that there are as many people helping his family through as have helped us... so forgive me, dear friends, when you come to the door... the tree is lit and I'll be trying to get into my Christmas cheer... hopefully the smile will be 100% genuine instead of the half genuine smile I've been walking around with... every day has been a little better and I have great hope for tomorrow...

2006-10-31T22:21:00.000-06:00

I am a believer that everything has a purpose... that people are put in your path for a reason and all you have to do is open your eyes... I've said it before and tonight was another confirmation of that belief... I have hit the ugly legal side of my situation where a friendly agreement between two people is just not going to work... I've tried being nice but I now have to turn my problems over to lawyers... and I love lawyers... I really do! My problem is I have not been very comfortable with the one that I was referred to because he seems to be a good ol' boy... nothing wrong with that but I need someone who can understand that I'm not available during the business day because I work for myself... I can't be constantly out turning over all of the paperwork and I don't have access to a fax machine at home... my attorney was capable but didn't seem as willing to make house calls or work weekends... so being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I was worrying about what I was going to do... but tonight my angel has been on my shoulder... tonight we went trick or treating with our good friends (who are also the kids' godparents) and had a good time begging for treats... there were other people along and we all chatted as we wandered the streets... we ended up back at their godparents' house and kept on talking and laughing as the adults had a few margaritas and the kids played... it wasn't until the end of the evening that I realized that the woman I had been talking to most of the night is a trust and estate lawyer, meaning she handles probate cases... I tell her about my case and we talk about my options... I now feel relieved to know that this woman is flexible where I need her to be and we can get the rest of my problems settled... how can it be a coincidence that I needed a new attorney and one is delivered in my lap? My faith is strong and I know that what I need will come my way... some may say that that is extremely naive but there are moments where you just need to turn your problems over... over to God, to Buddha, to fate, whoever... and the moment that you free yourself of your problem, your prayers will be answered... I may get teased about it but it works for me... it can be for little things like finding my keys but it seems to work on the bigger things as well... so that is where I'm at tonight... very relieved and a little tipsy from my margaritas... this has been an excellent Halloween night and I will bid you a good evening as I raid the kids' Twizzlers...

2006-10-30T20:16:00.000-06:00

This has been an odd but decent day... I am about to embark on the second half of my love affair with the closet organizer so all of my shoes may find a proper home... Chris' sister keeps calling... I know she's doing her best to reach out and it's frustrating... how can I be upset with her? She's lost her brother... but our conversations inevitably turn to how angry I am that the girlfriend has his remains and she has yet to return my phone calls... the kids are starting to wonder what happened to their pet mice that were at Daddy's... maybe they died, too... they want to know when she'll let us go over and get their stuff... so I tell Chris' sister that it would be greatly appreciated if someone would talk to her on our behalf because the longer she takes, the more likely it will be that this will all be settled in a court and that can only get ugly... having his sister call like that is starting to be stressful... I have managed to make it through most days without looking at what has been lost... I have managed to put one foot in front of the other and put the pieces of our lives back where they belong... and then the phone rings and it's her... and I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and I have to excuse myself from where the kids can see me... I really don't want to cry any more over him... and I'm finding myself talking to him when I'm annoyed and ask him to give me a sign of what I should do... that's when I check my email and see that "Chris" and "Peace" have notices posted on my freecycle group back to back... and these are not normally people who post much on our group... I also had another parent interview today and turns out she knew Chris... she works at the bar where he spent many many nights being himself and was a bit shocked when I told her that he died... this truly is a small world... so basically my mind's a bit scattered today and I am going to go do the one thing that brings me peace... I'm going to go play with my power tools and put away my shoes...

2006-10-30T02:38:00.000-06:00

There comes a time in every girl's life where she just knows... she knows that she has found that something special... that something that she just can't imagine how she ever did without... little flutters abound and just the thought of that special something brings a smile from ear to ear... for those of you that know me will not be surprised... I am in love... words that may not seem appropriate in these times, but friends, know that there is hope for me because I am head over heels in love... with the Rubbermaid configurations... yes... I know it's a closet organizer but you have got to know that this product is amazing... it took longer than expected to install simply because there are endless possibilities in how you can utilize their basic kit... I can finally see all of my handbags and clothes... I will do the other closet tomorrow because shoes are special and require a whole day unto themselves... after all of this reorganization has taken place, all of my shoes will be in one place and I will be left with one completely empty walk-in closet... like I said earlier, I'm doing some serious nesting... I'd normally be in bed but this, for me, is as exciting as waiting up for Santa Claus when I was four... yep, the girl has lost it...

2006-10-29T20:42:00.000-06:00

Another day on the go... more Halloween events, play time with friends, and running mindless errands... I'm not sure if I'm in a state of denial or if I'm trying to put on a fresh face on my life but I've been doing some serious nesting... I bought some topsoil and mulch for the neglected side of my front garden... nothing has managed to last for too terribly long on that side... not sure if it's the amount of sunlight or the soil so I prepped it for winter and will deal with it in the springtime... I'm also dumping my closets... nothing seems to have a proper home anymore so I am sorting and tossing in my best effort to reorganize my life... sometimes the best way to reorganize my mind is to start in the closets... so if no one sees me at some point tomorrow or the out trick-or-treating on Tuesday, call out the search dogs... I'll probably be buried under an avalanche of shoes and handbags...

2006-10-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

How is it that I've made it all day without blogging? It's almost like going through caffeine withdrawal... we have been on a mission all day from the moment we woke up... had to get showered and dressed to run to the store to pick up last minute accessories for the Halloween party at the clubhouse... went to said party and had a good time... returned to the house on a sugar buzz and made the kids take a nap... (love the sugar crash!)... talked to my sister during said nap time... 3 1/2 hours later, get them up and dressed and hang up with my sister... friendly neighbor drops off dinner... Yum! Eat dinner and reapply make-up to Cinderella and Cat in the Hat... drive to friends' block party in another neighborhood and realize I am the only adult in costume... at least I wasn't in my full regalia; only black dress, fishnets, boots, and cape... no hat or broom but I did bring my cauldron... had a great time at said block party and went back to friends' house... listened to a "song" by one friend who is learning to play the guitar and also watched him teach Hannah how to play Dance Dance Revolution... wow... that is all I can say... wow... eventually drag my kids from their house and came home... now they're in the tub getting all of the make up scrubbed off of their little faces and we will have yet another day of on-the-go excitement in the morning... how fun! The upside to our late evening is tonight we set our clocks back an hour... oh, wouldn't it be grand if we could get an extra hour of sleep every weekend?

2006-10-27T22:46:00.000-05:00

I am up later than I have been all week... that could be mostly due to me taking a power nap during one of my shows... I saw the beginning and I saw the end but who knows what happened in between... my mind keeps wandering back to what I said to my father earlier this evening... my parents are both off on Fridays and most Saturdays and make it a habit to come out as often as they can... they worry about us... mostly about me and how I'll manage... today was no exception... now I am completely aware that at the tender age of 30 there's still a lot that I don't know... but in every other aspect of my life I am extremely confident and capable and manage to make things work... I never doubt that in the end it will be as it should be... I am always aware of how many people I have around me who are incredibly talented and task oriented so it is easy to take on what I can and delegate the details to whoever is on hand... so it becomes hard for me to be the grown up that I am when my father is constantly nagging me about what I should do, how I should handle my finances, how I should discipline the children, how I should eat healthier and exercise more... all of the things that I'm hyper-aware of now that I am truly on my own raising these kids... it feels like he lacks the confidence in me because he has to repeat the same advice 20 times in one visit... it makes me, the kid who's been reading since 3 and tested with a 144 IQ (though not quite the genius level my sister's at), feel incompetent and moronic... and I tell him as much... I preface the conversation with I hope you don't take this the wrong way but... I could tell he was trying his best to not blow a gasket but still had to get in the last word... I could feel the words ungrateful and stupid flow from his posture... the look on his face and the near roll of the eyes was filled with disapproval... I know it'll be another week or so before I see him again so maybe it'll have blown over by then... maybe he would have actually heard the words that came out of my mouth for what they're worth... I highly doubt it... and if he did, he would never say as much to me... the funny thing about my relationship with my father is I have never once heard him tell me how proud he is of me... I have always felt like it was never good enough and that I was always a step behind... my sister truly is a genius... our father pushed her so hard and expected so much of her that she is now very content in her life not doing much... I say that not to be rude but only to mean that with the amount of brains that she's got, she could do anything with her life... now you have to understand those are my father's words, not mine... anything that's not a doctor or lawyer wasn't ever going to be good enough... so my sister rebelled in the only way that she could and lives a life of underachievement in our father's eyes... and she's happy... to me that's all that matters... I love her unconditionally of what she chooses to do with her life and I think her job is awesome... working for a small interior design company with all sorts of access to whatever a girl could want or need to spruce up a house is a dream... now I went the other way... nothing was ever expected of me because my sister had already set the bar... to not make the grades was not an option... so I became a classic overachiever... any of you that know my schedule are aware of my multiple commitments and am constantly trying to cram one more event into my life so I don't miss an opportunity... I work so hard that I hope that my father might just actually notice what I've accomplished and just tell me that he's proud of me... it's a hard realization that sometimes we, as parents, are incapable of seeing beyond our children's mistakes... and for my father, he is unable to see me for who I am today... I'll forever be the girl who butted heads with him throughout most of my life... I'm the girl who hasn't finished college... I want to say to him that it's not worth that little piece of paper to have him tell me that I'm wasting my time on a bullsh!t degree... I started off college with a grand notion of being a business major... mostly international business and maybe some contract law... then I fell in love with psychology and devoted my time to learning different methods and theories from the masters... now had I finished college I could have had an honest position doing something I was passionate about... something that would have fulfilled me and taken my life down a different path... but the one wall I kept coming up against is it's a waste of time to get a degree like that... there's nothing you can do with that degree that'll make you any money... now there are only two people in this whole world that a child looks up to... their mother and their father... whatever these two people say becomes the Gospel... it defines how a person thinks of themselves... it shapes their self worth and molds them into the people they will become... so when I hear my father tell me I'm wasting time and money for a worthless piece of paper that won't do me any good after busting my hump to get it, why on earth would I bother? All things I wish I could express to him but I know he's not open to it... you can tell, or at least I can tell, when someone is receptive to hearing news or advice... you become skilled in reading their body language and learning what the right thing to say is... we condition ourselves to behave in a certain manner and for me, I conditioned myself to be accommodating and pleasing to everyone else... I can tolerate any perceived rudeness of certain people because I am aware that they don't intend to act that way... it's just how they're hardwired... I conditioned myself to be the best friend I could possibly be and the best mother I could possibly be... put others' needs ahead of my own... the latter has taken some doing on my part to get closer to how I think mothers should be... I'll never be perfect and I don't mind... I just keep trying... the measure of success will be when my kids are graduated from college and making positive impacts in the world and content with who they are... I keep reminding them that the only opinion that ever matters is their own... almost hypocritical on my part since I strive just to be acknowledged by my own father... he does the best that he knows how... he just doesn't subscribe to the same philosophies that I do and will probably always view what I do as mistakes of the uneducated and uninformed... and he will always have the need to point out and correct my errors... I have to accept that about our relationship... personal perception is reality... that is my reality... one that I've tried to let him into but he refuses to acknowledge that that is how I view life nor will validate my emotions... so what's a girl to do? I keep up my end by accommodating his needs when he visits, I try to read the books he keeps sending, and I will listen to his endless political tirades though I have no real interest in national politics since I can have a greater impact in local politics... this is one that I have to be smart enough to acknowledge what I can change, acknowledge what I can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference... I can't change my father's behavior but I can change how I react to it and effectively shut down any conversation that I don't wish to have... it makes me hope that I'm parenting my children in a manner that will only nourish their souls... I hope that they never carry the doubt in their hearts that may hold them back from pursuing their passions... I hope we all can do that for our children by doing that for ourselves...

2006-10-27T08:10:00.000-05:00

I find it hard to believe that this is the weekend before Halloween... the kids have their costumes all set... I need to find the final touches for mine... and we have two Halloween parties to go to tomorrow... these last three weeks have been a blur... filled with the entire neighborhood stopping by with food, food, and more food... and lots of hugs... last night's Grey's Anatomy was a rerun but it was the one where Izzy was on the floor after Denny died... they talked about how a split second can make time stand still... how that same split second can make time speed up... that's how these past few weeks have been for me... there are moments that I can't seem to shake... the moment he killed himself... the flashes through the window of the criminalists taking the crime scene photos... the moment they wheeled him out of the house... looking at him laying in the coffin for the first time... telling him that he didn't have to do this... it didn't have to end like this... the rest has been a blur... the public viewing... the funeral... everyone around me doing whatever they could to give me the strength to make it through... and as I'm watching the episode I start to cry... though I know the show's fiction... that they get to go home after the cameras fade to black, it gives me an opening to shed some of the tears I have been holding back... maybe I did need for his family to call so I can start to heal myself... the kids have been doing amazingly well... they still sneak into my room after I've fallen asleep but otherwise they're good... so I can now feel some relief in knowing that they're well on their way to becoming whole again and I can focus more on myself... sometimes it feels a bit selfish but I know that the best gift I can give them is a healthy mom... mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically... I have a long road ahead of me... but it all begins with a single step...

2006-10-26T17:45:00.000-05:00

Today, dear Gemini, you might experience a slight and very temporary dark night of the soul. (Slight and temporary? Does three weeks constitute a temporary situation?) You might take a good long look at your life, and, even though you're doing well, you still might feel that you're not yet where you want to be. (Can't be where I want to be anytime soon!) Spiritually you might doubt both traditional views you've questioned, and yet still wonder about new concepts you've adopted. (No doubts... ) Try to distract yourself through reading or perhaps seeing a movie. This feeling will pass by tomorrow. (I highly doubt it!)

I love reading my horoscope... not because I believe them any more than the fortune cookies I get, but because sometime they're funny and other times eerily accurate... but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day...

The other thought that has been on my mind has obviously been powerful enough to manifest itself in my world... I'm not kidding... it wasn't until I was changing the 20th poopy diaper that I realized that there is too much sh!t going on in my life... I felt almost 100% today when I got up... life seemed good and normal... and then the phone calls happened and everything went to sh!t... fortunately it's Thursday and my minister comes over on Thursdays so I can just let it all out... and I did... then I called my attorney to see what needs to happen next... now it becomes a waiting game for me as I turn over the legal work to the professionals and let them do their thing...

2006-10-26T14:21:00.000-05:00

I am waiting... for what I am not certain, but I'll know it when it happens... like I said in the prior post, his sister called... apparently she turned around and called her parents because the next phone call I got was from his mother... she is still grieving so much that her boss let her take the week off... I don't blame her... to lose a child would be devastating... I could never imagine burying one of my children... but she calls to see how we are... I must have gotten his sister worked up when I told her that how I am treated is how I'm going to deal with all of them in the future... that if I was going to be treated without dignity or respect then I would not allow them to be in our lives... why would I keep around toxic people to have influence in their lives? All I can say to his mother is much the same of what I said to his sister... I was very hurt that they never came over... that they went straight to the girlfriend and did not once come to see how their grandchildren were doing... we're supposed to be family yet that is how they react... and I say as much to his mother... how am I suppose to feel when I'm treated that way? How else should a mother react to having her world turned on its head and you've got small children to think of? Chris was a very important part of our lives and we depended upon him and now that he's gone all I can do is stabilize our situation before it gets worse... his mother apologized profusely because she knows that once my mind is made up I will not change it... if they didn't extend themselves in the slightest, I would not take that step... one thing I know to be true about myself is once my feelings have been hurt it is very hard for me to ever forgive the betrayal... I am loyal to a fault and will fight tooth and nail for those I care about but I refuse to repair relationships with those I cannot trust... I managed to move beyond my negative feelings for Chris because I had to build a good relationship with the father of my children... it was the right thing to do... it was not easy but I did what I needed to for the kids... I don't know if I can move beyond my negative feelings for his parents because of how they've behaved... no one can expect everyone to do what is appropriate in a time like this... everyone is grieving and handling their emotions in their own way but that does not make their actions right... it does not make what his girlfriend is doing right either... and it does not allow me to do what I feel is right, only what is necessary... I will not deny that I will probably find some satisfaction in having the courts on my side... Chris always thought that I was hung up on being righteous... I cannot deny that there is truth to that... I knew we would eventually end up in court and I was in a position that was hard to tarnish... a mother who opened a day care to stay home with the kids, who has since become Baptized and now teaches Sunday School... active with neighborhood groups and volunteers with a cancer group... donates blood on a regular basis (and you should, too!)... all things that are hard to say are bad things... I didn't choose these aspects of my life to look good in court; more because I enjoy the community, being social, and I really love the people around me... I love being a part of putting smiles on little faces and making my mark in this world... and if that makes me righteous, then so be it... so here I am, doing what I must to take care of the kids... I am not perfect... I will stumble and fall... I will cry... but I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue the work I've started... continue to be the kind of mother that my kids will later be able to appreciate... Lord knows they won't appreciate any of it until they have children of their own... all I want for them is to be able to have happy lives doing whatever makes them passionate... I want them to never doubt their worth and know that they are loved... I want them to never doubt their abilities to succeed... this is what I want for all of us... and how we choose to allow this sad event to impact our lives will determine our course... I could compound the pain by retreating from the world and my children or I can make the most of every day... each day is a gift... we never know when it'll be our last... so you can bet that I'll be doing all that I can to make today count...

2006-10-26T08:08:00.000-05:00

Life feels like it's on the way back to being normal... Hannah told me this morning that she's done being sad... that she sometimes forgets about Daddy when she's at school because she's having fun... it sounded like she was looking for approval to be happy... and all I could tell her was there's nothing wrong with being happy... we can feel happy, sad, silly, or however we want anytime that we want and it won't mean that we miss Daddy any less... I often wonder how much of this she really understands... I wonder if she sometimes expects him to come pick them up for the weekend and how she'll feel once we go back to their house to gathers their toys and clothes... Jack seems like his normal boy self... running and jumping everywhere we go though he's a bit more aggressive than he used to be... he doesn't talk about Daddy much except when there are new people around and then he announces that his Daddy's dead because his heart stopped... that's it... and then he goes back to running and jumping...

I've had another night of unassisted sleep and have begun the legal process... it's not much fun having to go this route but this isn't about me, it's about the kids...

My post has been sitting here waiting to be finished for some time now because I've had a series of phone calls... some business... some legal... and then Chris' sister calls... I don't know why it is but I haven't cried in a while but it doesn't take more than a few minutes on the phone with her before I get angry and start letting it out... I'm angry at the disrespect I've been shown by the entire family... I'm angry that his girlfriend is playing the grieving widow... I tell all of my frustrations to his sister and she's angry at Chris... she's angry at what a mess he's left us all in and for not turning to any of them in the end... she can only speculate that no one in the family was happy about Chris not turning to family but it makes sense to me... they weren't there to protect him growing up and he turned to the one person that had always protected him... and I've also learned that his girlfriend does have his remains so it'll be interesting to see when we'll get them... I don't want all of them but enough to keep him close so the kids will be able to be with him whenever they want... (I'm getting a garden statuary to put him in so he can be out in the garden by the rose bush he planted a few years ago)... so now my face is a bit red and puffy from the crying and I'm not sure what to make of it... I'm not angry at Chris... it was how he was... I have forgiven him... I am more hurt by the aftermath... it doesn't have to be this way... we are supposed to be kind to each other and help however we can as we all go through this tragedy... that's what all of my friends have done... that's what my family has done... they have been loving and supportive... and I told his sister how much it hurts that their family can't do the same... they all have cell phones... they can call at any time... and I know I can call them, too, but what would I say to people who have been less than kind to me at a time when I needed them most? So now I have to sort this out along with everything else...

2006-10-25T07:53:00.000-05:00

Two nights in a row of real sleep though this morning I woke up in a panic... apparently both of my kids made their way back into my room after I fell asleep... Jack made a nest on the floor and Hannah was crashed in my leather chair... I looked at the clock as my snooze alarm was going off and saw that it was 8:42 a.m... now I have my clock set an hour ahead so I can tell the kids it's way past their bedtime and get them to bed early... so when I saw that it was 8:42 it meant that it was really 7:42 and I should have people ringing my doorbell and waiting to pick up and drop off kids... I don't like waking up like that... I threw on some clothes and Hannah had slept in one of the new outfits I bought for her last night so she was ready to walk out the door... I get downstairs and noticed it was still dark outside so I look at my computer clock and it's really 6:45... Hannah said she tried to turn off the alarm and must have changed the time... we were up on time and now I find that two of my day care kids won't be coming because their older brother is sick so I have a slow and easy day... Jack has crashed again on the couch with one of my favorite blankets, snoring and drooling... oh how I wish I could do the same!

Though I've been catching up on sleep I still feel like a space cadet... we went to the store last night so I could pick up some workout clothes, shoes, and a lock... all items I had actually written down on a list along with other odds and ends and I still forgot to pick up the lock... my old gym was pretty small and intimate and I loved it... not too much in the way of equipment but the staff and members were fun and motivating... but there was never a need for locks on our lockers... now I'm at a big gym where I can be lost in the crowd and my purse can taken if I were to be that trusting...

I'm also noticing that some of my friends are starting to relax and aren't treating me with kid gloves anymore... they have expressed their sorrow, frustration, and anger for what I've been going through... their support has been incredible and it's good to see that they realize that I need to be treated as though it were another day... our lives turned a corner the day I went to the SS office and received a blessing... the burden of not knowing our future compounded my grief and kept my mind racing... now it has calmed and I'm able to start the whole grieving process... I don't have the gift of knowing what it could have been like had Chris been around longer than he was... I don't know if he and his girlfriend would have worked things out and gotten married... I don't know if that blow could have made him step away from being the father that he had worked hard to become... I just don't know... I can't play the what ifs game... I can only see my days as they are and move forward... I can't cry about what will never be though I am sad that our reality is as it is... more so for the kids than for myself... had it not been for the kids I would have washed my hands of him long ago... but there's no changing the past and I wouldn't trade a hair on their heads for anything... we will still have our moments where it's hard because the kids keep making random comments about death and Daddy... they want to know who's going to get what when I die... they want to know when they can get their stuff from Daddy's house... some questions I can give answers for, others I can only speculate... I have also been able to speak of his death recently without showing much emotion... I was very matter-of-fact with the guy at the gym who asked where Mr. McKinzie was... I told him he had just passed away a few weeks ago and left it at that... one of those moments where you watch them pry their foot out of their mouth and hope that they can keep going... I know it's part of their job to increase their sales so I wasn't offended by the question... there will always be someone that doesn't know and I often wonder how people look at me now... I don't want it to be Poor Sarah... can you believe that her ex killed himself while he was talking to her? No, it's not how I want to be known... I know it'll take time for this to fade into the background but I also know that this is my fresh start... not the way I would have liked for it to come about but it is what it is... I still wonder when or if the tears will come... I seem to be more touched lately by the actions of my friends, who are continuing to support us in every way they can... I can cry for my children... I can cry for the love that we're shown... I am not sure if I can cry for him... I had cried for him when I realized that my dream of what our marriage should have been died... I cried for him when I realized that my dream of what I thought a husband should have been died... I cried for all of the dreams that I had for our family that died the moment he walked out... I cried for a week and then I stopped... I stopped when I realized that I wasn't crying for him, but for the loss of my dreams... the man that he had been hadn't been deserving of my tears... anyone that saw us when we were married couldn't figure out why we were married and in the end, neither could I... so I've already shed my tears for him in a way... maybe these next few weeks or months will prove me wrong and one of you may happen upon me when I've released the flood gates but in the mean time I will try to make the most of every day... I hope all of you will do the same and hug your loved one a little tighter and a little longer...

2006-10-24T07:36:00.000-05:00

I kept meaning to write more last night but I got sidetracked... I finally made it over to the new gym and was thoroughly impressed with their facilities and signed up... before my meeting at the SS office, I would never have joined because I would have been too worried about the initial fees but now I can breathe a bit easier knowing that everything is going to be just fine... we got home early enough to watch a little television so I grabbed my electric blanket and climbed back into my leather chair... the next thing I know the kids are waking me up over a minor dispute so I tell them to go to bed and change into my pajamas and crawled into my clean bed... I had made it the night before with freshly laundered sheets and never got in... so I'm in bed wondering if I'll be able to fall asleep without taking the melatonin and then the alarm goes off... it's 6:30 in the morning and I had my first night of real sleep... it must have been the stress of not knowing what our financial situation was going to be... of having to wonder if I'd have to take on one or two more kids and possibly a second (technically third if you count Sunday School) job... my friend, Amy, said that there was a change in the way I looked yesterday, a look of relief that had replaced my worries... and she's right... the hardest part is now behind me and the only thorn that's still in my side is his girlfriend and having to deal with his estate... the law is all on my side so I'm no longer worried that this will drag out and I'll be able to afford the attorneys to handle this... whether or not it would have still worked out this way without all of the love and prayers can be argued but I firmly believe that it has all helped to bring about this quasi-happy ending... these past few weeks have lifted my Spirit and made me so much more aware of all of the people in our lives... the ones we wave to as we pass by in the neighborhood, the ones we see at church, and those that have been in our lives for many years... each and every one of them are so special and dear to my heart... it actually brings tears to my eyes at the amount of kindness that we've been shown and I'll never be able to stop singing their praise...

2006-10-23T14:09:00.000-05:00

Let me guess. You want to know why I tried to kill myself.
You want to know how I survived. Why I disappeared. Where I've been all this time. But first, why I tried to kill myself, right?
It's OK. People do. They measure themselves against me. It's like this line is drawn somewhere in the world and if you never cross it, you'll never consider throwing yourself off a building or swallowing a bottle of pills- but if you do, you might. People figure I crossed the line. They ask themselves, "Could I ever get as close as he did?"
The truth is, there is no line. There's only your life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you.
Or who isn't.
-Mitch Albom, for one more day

I sat in the Social Security Administration office prepared... I never really went to sleep last night... I sat under my electric blanket in my favorite oversized leather chair and catnapped for about an hour before I had to start my day... I had cleaned most everything I could and gathered all of my documents I would need... birth certificates for the three of us, his death certificate, marriage license, divorce decree, and a few miscellaneous papers for good measure... it never hurts to be over-prepared... and so I set one small book into my bag with my all important documents... a new book that caught my eye by a very talented author... for one more day, by Mitch Albom, is a story of a mother and a son, and a relationship that lasts a lifetime and beyond. It explores the question: What would you do if you could spend one more day with a lost loved one? It's about a man who was once well known whose life falls apart and he tries to kill himself... seems a bit masochistic on my part to want to read this story but Albom's work resonates with me... I only managed to make it a few pages in before my name was called... now for those of you who have successfully avoided having to go to the Social Security offices for anything, congratulations! My last visit was in this dingy old office building where you couldn't tell what the original color of the tiles should be, they were worn and faded... so you can imagine my surprise when the directions have me going somewhere else... same area but different locale... there before me was a brand new building and when I entered it felt very much like Orson Wells 1984... everything was computerized and a voice over the intercom called out random numbers and periodically a name... I took a seat in the lobby and was soon called down to window 18... down the long hall and keep going... I got up with uncertainty and wandered down the corridor... there were small pockets where there were clusters of windows, though each window seemed to be very private... soon I found myself across from a rather pleasant looking woman who smiled and asked that I take a seat... never would I have believed that anyone in the employ of a government agency would have kindness or compassion for a case that comes across their desk... I'm just more paperwork to be shuffled, data to be entered... but this kind woman treated me with dignity and respect... she helped process my papers quickly and hushed any fears that I had... I am more than pleased with our allotment... it was more than I could have hoped for and will allow me to spend my time more with my own kids instead of picking up nights here and there making ends meet... it affords me freedom... freedom from the uncertainty of whether the child support payment will be made so I can pay the bills... freedom to use my time doing whatever we want... freedom to say I'm sorry but we have family commitments that are too precious to give up just so I can earn a few extra dollars... it allows me to take the price tag off of my time after 5:30 and just be myself...

The reason I posted the opening paragraph of this tale is because it gave me pause... the last part reminds me of Chris but what doesn't remind me of him? It makes me think back to Mr. Jaacks, our AP English teacher, who saw symbolism in everything... everything related back to Christ, God, and the womb... it didn't matter what the story was he could always tie one of those themes in somewhere... and so now my eyes see life with a hint of Chris... every passage I read, every song I hear, every look of my son... it all reminds me of him... but the end of that passage is about the choices we make... it's how we choose to live our lives... it about how we treat those around us because in the end we are deserving of what we get... not that I feel as deserving of the love I have been shown... these beautiful people around me who have been so amazing and supportive, who stop by just to check on me, and send their well wishes from afar... but I guess I've been living my life as the way it's been intended and life has blessed our little family today with relief...

2006-10-23T03:39:00.000-05:00

I really should NOT have done that... it's 3:30 in the morning and I was paying some bills before I wanted to head off to bed and I looked at my Sprint bill... the new cycle had posted all of my calls for the last billing period which ended on 10/6... the Friday following his death... and now I can see when he called, when I called back, and can hear the conversation roll over and over again... it gave me goose bumps to see all of the call times for when I talked to him... then I could see who I called next... 54 phone calls to my cell phone in that 24 hour span... it started off talking with Chris, then my sister as I waited for the police to call me back, my kids' Godparents to see if they could come over so I could go out there... then my favorite attorney just because he's a voice of reason... then a short break as I drove frantically out to Plano before I started calling his sister and my parents... from there it was those closest to me who might be able to tell me that I'm just having a really awful nightmare... yet another black and white record of what has happened... a bit more unnerving than holding his death certificate in my hand... that was definitely not fun receiving it in the mail... so now I'm going to take some melatonin and see if I can get a couple of hours rest before my day starts...

2006-10-23T02:03:00.000-05:00

Amazing how much junk can accumulate when you're not paying attention... I have tossed an enormous bag of broken toys, scribbled on papers, tons of junk mail, and the like off of my desk and out of my classroom... I can see most of my desk and have a better grip on the situation... all that leaves me with is the kitchen before I head off to bed to sleep between my freshly laundered sheets... it's nearing 2 a.m. and I'm convinced that if I had not taken the melatonin the last two nights I'd be a blithering idiot by now... I'll have to take more tonight to get to sleep because the longer I'm up the more I realize that there's too much on my mind... I've talked to both of my best friends tonight and couldn't get over how much anger I still have... his girlfriend made me so sick with her portrayal as the grieving darling who lost the love of her life... nowhere did she mention that she had him arrested a couple of nights before and had told him he needed to move out... nowhere has she acknowledged to me any remorse for her culpability... I know it takes two people to fight but even I know better... I have to forget that I'm smarter than her... her brain does not function on the same level where I see things more cut and dry and the answers are generally obvious... it's not a bragging point, it's just the truth... even I know what I should do in my current situation but I am aware that doing what is necessary is the admittance of his death... I know why I keep dragging my feet... but before this happened, before when I'd be fighting with him I knew where the boundaries were... I knew his history and there are certain lines that you never ever cross no matter how angry you are or how deserving he is of getting his ass handed to him... you never call the police... not even when he was reaching for the loaded gun... yeah... he tried to do that one time when we were still married... suicide crossed his mind when he was stressed and drunk... he would contemplate how much better life would be without him in it... usually he would crawl into bed and curl up next to me and pass out... the time he did go for the gun I was scared... not the scared kind where you hide behind the door and wait for help... the kind of scared that wrestled him away from where the gun was and hog-tied him with his belts and neck ties... I'm surprisingly strong and when my adrenaline is pumping I can hang with the best of them... I tossed his butt in bed and let him sleep it off... to call the police would have been the end of him and I had a vested interest in seeing him get better... it always came down to the kids need their father and I'm too stubborn to let him go that easily... I miss him... I miss him a lot... I keep finding pictures of him every time I clean out another box... miscellaneous photos from our trip to New York or at the park... back when we were happier and he was only a phone call away... I just don't understand how you can love someone that much and just walk away... I had been hurt by him in the same way that she had... in fact she was the last one he hurt me with, adding insult to injury by taking the kids on "family outings" together... things he would never do in our final year together... but the difference is I took it and turned the other cheek... he never actually told me he was cheating until he moved out but I had suspicions the entire time... I still wanted to work things out after he came clean... mostly that was from not wanting my world to change... I had become so dependent upon him that I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive... it actually took me a month to realize that I could have a win-win situation by opening my day care... I could work from home and be with my son as well as be around when Hannah gets home from school... Chris did take care of us financially for quite some time after he moved out and I wasn't forced to earn money until September 05... I worked up to that time building up a small nest egg, most of which went to paying my divorce attorney... I did get a great settlement because he wanted out and gave into my demands... well, most of them... but even at that point I would have called the whole thing off just to have him back... it took me a year to move on... I knew it'd be too soon to start dating... if I couldn't hold a marriage together then how could I maintain a healthy relationship? I spent that year doing a lot of soul searching and started going to church... I read everything I could lay my hands on and wrote in my journal constantly... I realized that if I wanted to have someone in my life I would have to clean house, literally and figuratively... I made room in my closets and in my heart... I opened myself up to the possibility that I could love and be loved again... it was a constant prayer to keep myself open to Grace and Mercy and Love... all things I hadn't felt worthy of for quite some time... I was a shell of the person I had once been and needed to get back to center... Jenne had commented on how I now look and act much like I did ten years ago... back when I was happier and free spirited... back when there was always a smile on my face... that's where I'm trying to get back to... I am spiritually, emotionally, and literally decluttering my life... tossing out the pain, anger, old clothes, and papers... reorganizing my love, my Faith, my everything... it's most unfortunate that you can't hire a company to come do that for you while you take a vacation... such a nice thought...

2006-10-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

At around this time of night I would start to worry about whether or not I'll be able to get to sleep... for the last three nights I have been able to get rest with the help of sleep aids and melatonin... tonight I feel like being wild and letting my mind run amok... I need to do some serious house cleaning and find not only my kitchen counter but also my desk... I know it's under there somewhere but I have had neither the time nor inclination to deal with it... people have been very understanding that I have let the house slide... at least I was showered and dressed in clean clothes... baby steps... so now I will attempt to get at least the downstairs back in order... if I appear a little wild-eyed in the morning, I apologize... I will try to get to bed before the sun rises because I have my all important meeting at the Social Security office in the morning... once that is behind me I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and have a better idea of where I'll stand financially... it sucks to think that it may appear to his family that I'm only in it for the money but they never truly got to know me... I was raised as an Army brat and we learned to make do with whatever the circumstance was... I'm not asking for anything more than what is due so I can take care of the kiddos and keep my house in order... yes, that does include putting in a new front door but my sweet dads in the neighborhood made mine close and lock without effort... so now I will sort through all that has accumulated over the last couple of weeks and start the baby steps to reclaiming my life...

2006-10-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

Wow... slow day... hard to believe we've been moving since we got up this morning and this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down... the sleep has helped tremendously... I can think and focus which is a miracle... the sleep deprivation made everything worse and made me feel manic (hence the postings every few hours)... but now that my mind has slowed I can feel the emotions welling below the surface... seeing more friends today at church and at the house brought me to near tears but I've been able to quell them... the only time I seem to start crying is when I'm in the sanctuary... though I am among many, I can be alone in there with all of my thoughts and I can send up my prayers... I'm not sure how I look to others... those that know me can see the pain behind the smile but the rest just see another member of the congregation going about our usual worship... one aspect of my life that brings me comfort is singing... I'm not very good but it's something that has always been a part of my life... I spent years in school in girls' choir, mixed choir, and show choir singing for every season... performing in malls, Masonic lodges, and even Disney World... it was the one place that I could completely connect on every level... the music gives voice to all of my emotions and so I have found my home in the 11:30 service where we sing contemporary music... I didn't cry as much as I did last Sunday but the music allows me to transcend the moment and be passionate... it allows my Spirit to feel instead of being numb... I have been walking around in a state of shock on auto-pilot... without the love and support of all of my friends and family I don't know how I could have held up... we teach the little ones about spreading God's love through the kindness we show to others when they are hurting but never did I expect to be on this end of it... I got so many hugs from my 4 year olds today and it helps lift me up... I am trying to refocus my life and settle into a new routine so the kids can feel safe again...

Jack told me today that he didn't want me to die because Daddy was already dead... there isn't too much I can say to him other than we all die eventually but Mommy is doing everything I can to take care of my heart to stay healthy so we can play together for a long time... Hannah wanted to know when she was going to die and I told her I didn't know... we all have our time on this earth and when our time is finished our bodies die and our spirits go into the hearts of those that love us... that way we will live on in others... they haven't been too upset as far as I can tell... I can see the questions milling through their minds but they thankfully have short attention spans so we only have to talk about our mortality for a few minutes...

There are so many things that I realized I hadn't prepared for... I hadn't gotten around to drawing up my will and declaring where the kids are to go if I die before they are grown... that was not fun sitting down to think of what I want each of them to inherit and who will be responsible for taking care of them... I'm in the process of setting up their college funds and doing all of the responsible things that a parent should do... I'm 30 years old and have never considered that I may not make it to tomorrow... none of you are that lucky to get rid of me that quickly... I am persistent and will not go without a fight... I will be old and decrepit and people will wonder what is that old bat taking to keep on going? I will be there to see my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own... I just also thought that Chris would be here a little longer... drawing up our wills was a touchy subject because we had to jointly decide who would be better able to take care of the kids once both of us passed, especially once we remarried... there was no doubt that my family had more resources and less drama... now I don't have to worry about fighting with him... only his family, and they've never made much effort to be a part of our lives... so I hope that all of you will use this as a learning tool and look hard at your lives to see how prepared you are... look how you live your lives and how even just a kind word can turn a person's day around... you all have made a world of difference to us and we will forever be grateful...

2006-10-21T22:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been watching a movie with the sound turned down... I vaguely remember doing things over these past couple of weeks though I am certain of that I did get some things accomplished... I remember telling some people some of the details but never certain of who I've told... there also feels like there is someone that I've forgotten to call and this person is very important... I have no clue... as you can tell I'm tired though the hour is not too late... not yet anyway... I have my first day back with my Sunday School class in the morning and being with the kids always helps... though I've managed two nights in a row with sleep I still feel like I'm in a haze... I should probably shower and head off to bed... the blog has been difficult to get on to tonight for whatever reason and left me feeling a tad anxious... this has become my place to release to the world all of the turmoil of my life and set it free... it helps me to sort my thoughts and work through the steps I'll need to take before I finally take them... a place to vent my anger because I fear what kind of emotional and psychological damage I may inflict on his girlfriend if I haven't worked through my emotions by the next time I see her... there are times when I would like to see her in pain and show her what she has done to the kids... what she has done to me and my entire family... I would love to break her spirit the way she did his but I doubt she has one... then my other side will chime in how I need to focus on the kids and heal myself... only I don't know how to do that... how can that be? It seems that many people turn to me for solutions of everyday problems yet I cannot find a solution for my troubles... I would like nothing better than to be in a safe place and break down... feel the pain so it can cauterize my wounds... let it all out... I guess my blog is about as safe of a place as I can get... it's anonymous and I can say anything I want here and not feel judged... I know many of you have commented to me about what I've written because I sent the link out... part of it was to give everyone a place to go so you didn't have to ask me directly but it's become mostly for me just to vent and get things off of my heart... and there's a lot of it lately! Having to retell my story multiple times throughout the day made it hard... it was like I was reliving it every time... so this has been a safe place for me though I haven't been able to break down yet... I always wonder if some of my friends haven't been by yet, though they've called, because they don't want to be the one to push me over the edge... I'm not even sure if I'll ever get to that point... I had a remarkably uneventful day today and I am grateful for that... I took the kids to the pumpkin patch and had fun watching them in the bounce houses and slides, the punkin chunkin, hay ride, pony rides, and pumpkins everywhere you look... back to what we've always done as a family (and yes, I've taken them by myself for the last three years)... I guess I should be thankful that Chris was an absent father when he was living here and a better father during their weekends together this past year... it has allowed the kids to seemingly adjust effortlessly to our present reality... it should be a sad thing, but they haven't acted out too much more than usual and keep telling me that the skeletons we see in the Halloween section are their Daddy's... and they laugh and look to see how I react... I just smile at them and tell them they're just silly... I also remind them that his favorite candy was Lemonheads as we peruse the candy section before we settle on buying Smarties and M&Ms... he isn't taboo in this house though I keep things on a lighter note for them... I wish I could just do the same for myself... all I can do is mark another day off of my calendar and hope that tomorrow will be better... I can feel a good day coming...

2006-10-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

I feel I should say that I hope none of you find it necessary to tread on eggshells around me... there are certain phrases that we use everyday and they should not be declared off limits just because of what's happened... I said "I almost killed myself!" as I stepped and tripped on one of Jack's many cars the day after and caught myself feeling somewhat guilty... please don't... life goes on... I know one of my friends keeps catching herself saying things along those lines where she feels I might be offended, but I'm not... I have to keep my sense of humor... Chris was cremated and all I kept thinking is how appropriate... he liked to smoke and that was the way he should go... I also kept thinking I needed to have another wedding on my calendar because I had been in attendance of two wedding celebrations the two prior weekends and have another one that I'm in coming up in May... that way I could have my four weddings and a funeral... yeah... I know it's not all that funny but I had to find a way to laugh and smile... today when I'm done working I'll be taking the kids to the pumpkin patch that we visit every fall... we would have already gone by this time of the year so we can paint our pumpkins and put them by the front door but it's been a struggle to get out of the house for things other than groceries... now I don't even have to do that because my wonderful friends have been bringing me groceries and a hug every Thursday... Amy commented to me how good it was to see me at church last week instead of hibernating in my house and she's right... I need to get out there and not let a single day pass me by... I've had to ask myself a lot of hard questions, as well as some of people in my life, and though I may not have all of the answers that I like I know that today is another gift to make of it whatever I can... to smile and laugh because it is so necessary to my recovery... my hair is done today and I think I look more like my normal self... I can't predict when those feelings are going to creep up on me but I can't stay in bed waiting for them either... it would be a tragedy to allow this to destroy my life and not do what I was called to do... we all have gifts and talents and how many of us are doing what we love? I know of only two people in my life who love what they do... what about the rest of us? I have been given a clean slate but I also believe that we all can take each day and use it to the fullest...

2006-10-21T08:38:00.000-05:00

Not real sure what time I fell asleep but I didn't get out of bed until 8:15... the melatonin definitely helped... as I was getting up this morning I had noticed The One Year Bible was laying on the floor... my Mom had given it to me because it had been left at her hotel for a couple of years and thought that I might want it... I felt it kind of odd that she would think of me as she has never expressed any organized religious tendencies but she brought it over a few months ago and I've occasionally thumbed through it... today I was curious as to what it said for October 5th, the day Chris died... the opening passage is:
My heart, my heart - I [Jeremiah] writhe in pain! My heart pounds within me! I cannot be still. For I have heard the blast of enemy trumpets and the roar of their battle cries. Waves of destruction roll over the land, until it lies in complete desolation. Suddenly every tent is destroyed; in a moment every shelter is crushed. How long must this go on? How long must I be surrounded by war and death? -Jeremiah 4:19-21
It goes on through verse 6:15 but it was the opening passage that caught my eye... I know that when you seek you will find what seems like purpose... there are no accidents... everyone and everything in your life happens for a reason... it may take years to find the reason behind each person and action but whether you choose to call it God's plan, karma, fate, whatever I feel that it all has a purpose... and so this passage lay in my hands, trembling as I read, as I can only think of Chris... his heart was in pain and he could not be still... he was blasted by his girlfriend as she raged at him for his betrayal... his thoughts of his broken heart rolled over any Hope that he may have had; crushing any rays of light that he had in his life... he answered the last two questions by loading his gun and releasing his pain...

I'm not sure if it will become clear what the purpose is for having Chris taken out of our lives... it's not what I would ever wish for my children because a father's love cannot be replaced... the blessing for me is he left at a time when they could not see him as I had seen him... before they became aware of the choices he would make regardless of the pain it would cause... I have selfishly chosen to shelter them from the truth that I know to leave them with only the good memories... maybe when they get old enough to accept the truth without it damaging their Spirits, maybe then I can share the knowledge with them... Chris told me in the end he didn't want the kids to end up like him... he didn't want them to know the kind of pain that he was in... he couldn't see that I would always be the kind of mother that his own could not be... I was stronger than that and the kids always came first... always will... I've been thinking about my clean slate and it's a bit daunting... it feels much like it did when our divorce became final... when I started going to church and heard Pastor Vic talk about Moses... on the verge of the unknown with only Faith to guide him through his wandering the wilderness... I hope that it does not take me 40 years of wandering to find my own paradise, my own Promise Land... I only know that each journey begins with a single step and that there is joy to be found... it will take time and if I seem lost, please help be my guiding light... be the arms that hug me, the ears that listen...

2006-10-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

Amazing how a little sleep can make you a whole new person... when I was tired, my mind kept racing about all of the things that need to be attended to, never able to really get anything done... today was a decent day or as decent it could be under the circumstances... I got to laugh and play with the kids today and found myself joining in more enthusiastically than usual... for those of you that don't know, I have my own day care and get paid to color, paint, blow bubbles, and read stories... my day care kids are all great little people and I get quite a few hugs throughout each day... they sort of know what's happened and most had seen me the day everything went down and saw me as a complete mess... but because they're children who live egocentric lives, they also force me back to my regular routine and have me playing... they've been a huge part of me getting back on my feet and it feels good to be silly... so my day was good... I am happier today than I've been over the past two weeks though I'm highly aware that it's going to be an emotional roller coaster... I can only hope the melatonin is as effective or more so than the pills I took... you'll be able to tell if I got any sleep by the time stamp on my next post... the kids seem to be better... Hannah picked up my glow-in-the-dark skull out of my Halloween box and said to Grandpa, "Hey look! It's Daddy's skull!" and giggled around with it in her hand... I reconsidered putting up our usual decorations of the skeleton on the door and bones in the garden simply because I felt this might not be a good time to have that outside... a bit more morbid than my usual self so we went and bought scarecrows and pumpkins to have up until Thanksgiving... I still find it hard to believe I'll never get another BS phone call in the middle of the day or have him smoking outside my door... I guess I'm mentally ready to experience the pain but am waiting to see what my heart does... the one thought that still goes through my mind is this didn't have to happen... she should have known better... but you can't take back yesterday and life will go on... one of my friends reminds me that I get to start over with a clean slate... so what will I do with this new life before me? Will this experience change my life's path for the better? I know that I have grown emotionally from all the love and kindness that we've received... I know that I will write about this and do my best to get it published... I know that I love all of the wonderful people in my life who have been there, from friends to neighbors, even the lawyers... I am full of gratitude for those that keep us in their thoughts... and now as bedtime approaches I will try a more natural way of hopefully getting some rest so I don't become a raving loon! Good night my friends...

2006-10-20T07:37:00.000-05:00

Hannah went into a screaming, whining, crying jag yesterday because she was tired and she lost her chance to go to the football game... it worked out for the best because I put the kids down early and took my pills... I laid in bed for a while as my show ended and another began... sitting and waiting for them to kick in... I had a weird rush of energy and prayed that the pills wouldn't have the opposite effect of their intent... with the way things have been going it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I was still up... I had no desire to watch the 10 o'clock news but I barely remember anything after the news came on until Stella started in on her morning routine... I woke up with the panic that I had overslept my alarm but the clock read 6:28 a.m. and I realized I had managed to get my first 8 hours of sleep... I probably could have slept until noon if I had the luxury but it's Friday and we need to get up and ready for work and school... I am unfortunately working both Saturday and Sunday, but only in the mornings so you can safely bet that I'll be taking a nap as soon as I get the chance... my parents will be here at some point today and my father's bringing some melatonin for me so I can get back to a natural sleeping rhythm... I really don't like taking medication for anything so I'll be happy to see if that'll do it for me...

I have also been reading on the stages of grief and came across an article on how the 5 stages of grief are not necessarily accurate... that people don't always go through each stage in order, can skip steps or experience multiple stages at once... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance... the article went on to say that the real work of bereavement happens after these stages happen... I can tell you that I went through all 5 stages in the moments leading up to Chris shooting himself and through the time that I called 911... it all happened within the span of two minutes... for me it was more like bargaining with him to not do it, denial of the sound that I heard as he did it, anger when I realized he actually pulled the trigger, acceptance of what happened as I called 911, and depression as I sat there crying while I waited for the police to arrive at his house... the article goes on to say that grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This makes more sense to me than knowing what has been accepted as the traditional stages... it's not that I don't know how to move forward... it's just that I've been stuck on accepting the loss and am not ready to experience the pain... I started crying again yesterday as more people have called, dropped by, or emailed their kind thoughts and I know that it's going to take time... it's only been two weeks and yet it feels like it's been a lifetime... then again it seems like yesterday that I talked to him... I haven't gotten around to taking his number out of my cell phone and am not sure if I ever will...

2006-10-19T14:33:00.000-05:00

I just finished another session with my Stephens Minister and I feel a bit better... there's much concern over my inability to get sleep so I 've gotten advice and have something to help... I don't know how intelligible I'd be if I wait too much longer... and thank you to whomever it is that was so kind to "tuck me in"...

I know I keep saying how amazing everyone has been in every other post but I am compelled to say it again... never could I ever imagine that so many people have such kind hearts and have reached out to us in so many ways... over the past couple of days two of my friends have stopped by with envelopes... it was prefaced with this is not for pity or charity, but simply another way our friends are reaching out to help... the amount received over these past couple of days, plus what one friend left for us at the funeral home, totals what my child support payment normally is... and that's quite a bit more than what most people get... so my heart runneth over with gratitude to everyone... I'm hoping this money won't have to be used for the legal fight that I have ahead of me but I want everyone to know that anything that isn't necessary will go to the kids' saving accounts until I get their college funds set up... also all of the meals have been such a blessing... it's nice to not have to worry about what's for dinner and I apparently have meals coming for the next 15 weeks... crazy to think about people still cooking meals through the New Year but maybe it'll take that long for me to get back to normal...

I'm now counting down the hours until I crash tonight... Hannah's going to a football game with friends and Jack's going to have a quiet evening with me... as soon as Hannah gets home I'm taking my goods and should be in bed by 9:30 or whenever Gray's Anatomy is over... if all goes as plans this should be the last entry for today...

2006-10-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

For those of you who haven't been to my house in the last two years, you may not know that I have two cats... it was unintentional that their arrival coincided with Chris' departure... I had already promised a friend that if her cat had a solid white female kitten I would take her... I also later offered to take one of the males if their new home fell through... so now I have two beautiful solid white cats that happened to be weaned at the same time Chris moved out... it made his absence a bit easier for the kids because they had a new distraction... who wouldn't be excited about two soft and fuzzy kitties? As with anyone who has small children mixed with even smaller animals, you tend to take a few precautions... Stella and Eddie were introduced as Hannah and Jack's new brother and sister... they were so tiny that I used to keep a kitty cube up on my bed for them to sleep in until they were fast enough to run from all of the hugs the kids were trying to give... Eddie has turned into a complete guy and does whatever it is that guys do at night but Stella will always find her way back to my bed at some point in the night... she has an affinity for waking me up by walking on me and rubbing her little face on mine... normally that wouldn't be a problem but my cats still have their claws so when she walks on me in hurts just enough to wake me up... and she doesn't let up after I've tossed her off the bed... no... she'll keep at it until I get up and turn on my bathroom faucet for her to drink out of and feed her... now I'm telling you this because I haven't been sleeping much over the past couple of weeks and it was after 3 a.m. before I fell asleep... Stella normally waits to announce her arrival around the same time my alarm is going off... she's my backup alarm... and I would not usually mind having her wake me up because I used to get at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep... but this morning she chose to wake me up at 4:27 a.m. and I must have tossed her off of the bed no less than 10 times before she curled up next to me and went back to sleep... so needless to say that I am more than tired this morning... but up and dressed... I have to go down to whatever government office has the birth certificate records because I need a copy to apply for the kids' Social Security benefits... I know I have several copies somewhere and I'm sure I'll find at least one of the copies after I pick this one up... Murphy's Law... I'm hoping the rest of my day will be better...

2006-10-19T01:14:00.000-05:00

It's been three hours or so since my last post and I was hoping to not do this... I really would like to be asleep right now drooling on my pillow or grinding my teeth but alas, here I am... two comforting thoughts... the dishes are done and have completed their wash cycle and I have done yet another load of laundry... how exciting... maybe the other reason I'm dragging my feet on retaining the probate lawyer is that it would be an admittance that Chris truly is dead. Not that he's sitting in some bar somewhere getting drunk and I'm up waiting for him to come home... but dead... gone... I will never lay my eyes upon him, dead. Wouldn't it be nice if I could enjoy the ignorant bliss that the kids have... maybe that's why I can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning... it's the time I used to stay up until he finally dragged himself in here... and I thought I was done crying... damn...

2006-10-18T22:08:00.000-05:00

The kids are in bed and here I sit... sitting and writing... writing and wondering will I be able to sleep tonight... won't know until I try... won't know until the morning... I did something shocking today to help with my sleeping situation... well not shocking for you but definitely not something I would generally ever do since I'd given up my vices... are you ready? I had a Coke... not one, but two... I had given up soda quite some time ago and only keep those cute little midget ones around for when I'm hostessing a meeting or otherwise entertaining guests... I don't drink caffeine unless I plan on being in the car driving to Denver in one straight shot... I know, I know... I used to be a Starbuck's junkie and would get a bit skiddish if I didn't have my morning fix... or my mid-morning fix... or my brunch fix... and so on and so forth until it was 2 a.m... but I have had to give up my coffee and all other forms of strong caffeine (I mention the word strong because there's not enough caffeine in the amounts of tea or chocolate I consume to give me a buzz) because I had some serious withdrawals if I went too long without... so here I am sitting with a 24 pack of Cokes that my mother had bought in case anyone stopped by after the funeral service and most of them are still in the box... taunting and teasing... not very nice to do to a girl who is moments away from total lunacy... sleep deprivation is not pretty... and it is most definitely not pretty on me... no ma'am... not one bit... I had the Cokes in an effort to not fall asleep this afternoon so I will be exhausted enough to drift right off to sleep tonight... I do feel tired... I am looking around at the dishes in the sink and think I might possibly get out of my comfy computer chair and deal with them... maybe... there are so many productive things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here typing away like a mad woman but I think if I get this off of my heart then maybe I won't turn into Ms. Havisham... at least there are no wedding cakes here... though not a bad costume thought for Halloween... (side note: Hannah will be Cinderella and Jack will be the Cat in the Hat... I will show my true colors and be myself, a witch!) It truly sucks that I can't go to sleep and turn off the thoughts of my mind... there were so many things I already had in there before all of this happened... now it seems like an endless repeat of bad television... the ones where you yell at the screen, "Hey! What can go wrong with the illuminating power of a candle on your side? Let's go check in the basement and find out what's making that creepy noise!"... it still seems so surreal... my parents called tonight to check on us... they've been kind and have given us a little space but I have to acknowledge that they're going through much of the same disbelief that we're all in since he died... Chris was the son my Dad never had and always wanted... someone to pal around with, go to the movies with, and do stupid guy things with... the two most asinine things they had done, though they had a good time doing, were going skydiving together and paintballing... two total guy things that I doubt you could get me to do... well, I might consider paintballing but I remember Chris came home with a giant black and blue knot on his forehead where somebody shot him... I'm not into pain even in the slightest form so it would take a lot to get me to do that... but they basically lost a son... it's hard losing anyone after they've been in your lives for that many years... and I know that Chris' family is still in a lot of pain and that this wound will be raw for a long long time... all of these thoughts run through my mind... and somewhere in there I still try to have compassion and find forgiveness... I really want to be angry and know that I shouldn't... those are the moments when I wish I were a lawyer... to make it cut and dry and not consider the damage that I may inflict on his girlfriend when I take her to court... I'm still holding out, against my favorite attorney's advice, to see what she's willing to do but I can't wait much longer... I know I will win any court decision but at what price? If I have her prosecuted it would ruin what's left of her life... and that is a path that I'd rather not take... ideally she'd give me what I ask for and I'd let her keep everything else... I'm not asking for much... out of their house I want all of the kids' stuff and all of his dress shirts... if she gives me the shirts I'll be making blankets for each of the kids so they can hold him close... aside from that, any monies that are in his accounts are rightfully the children's and will be used for their benefit... for their education funds as well as their orthodontists bills... or anything else that they will need... I feel as though she thinks I'm going to buy a new fancy car or take a fabulous vacation or get boobs... not that I need them but whatever goes through the mind of crazy girlfriends about the ex-wives... she doesn't get it just like his family doesn't get it... and now I've been sitting here typing for 45 minutes and I'm still going... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh... and yes, the dishes are still in the sink... so now I will get off of my duff and do the dishes and bring in my garbage can from the curb and call it a night... hopefully... don't be surprised if I'm back on here in another hour or two...

2006-10-18T12:09:00.000-05:00

Let's have a return to the 50s mindset... a wonderful era where we repressed anything unpleasant and just baked perfect chocolate cakes and wore fancy aprons that coordinated with each outfit... oh wouldn't that be swell?!? I think that I could manage if no one ever mentioned Chris again... I know that everyone wants to hear about what happened and how we are all getting on but the days are better when we don't talk about it... it seems so wrong to say that but I just ran into a friend at the flu shot clinic and she was sweet as she normally is and she did not ask once about how we're doing... I know that sounds odd to say but it felt good to act like it's just another day... the reason I say that is I've gone two days without crying and I like that... I did get frustrated a bit when Chris' sister called this morning to check on us... I haven't spoken to her since the night of the funeral... she's the only sibling Chris had that I used to talk to even after the divorce... she means well though you can tell she's still not dealing with his loss and would rather allow time for feelings to heal before we delve into the matter of Chris' estate... and I use the term "estate" loosely... for everyone else it is easier to let things be and try to move forward without him but for me he was also part of our financial lives... an ugly side of divorce is child support and I am in a position that I don't have the luxury to crawl into a hole and cry until I'm ready to emerge and deal with the world... my world has to move forward because I have two little people who look to me to know how to act... could you imagine how much worse they would be if I was a crying babbling mess that wouldn't get out of bed? I have enough foresight to know that they will follow my lead and if I talk about this in a positive manner, it will allow them to only feel the grief, not the anger... not the frustration... it was already tough listening to Hannah say that she's the baddest girl in the whole world and everyone hates her when she's cranky and getting timed out before she lost her Daddy... to add to her pain would be cruel... and trying to explain that to his sister just increases my awareness that none of them, not a single member of his family, will put our kids before their own grief... it's not their job... they are not the ones charged with raising emotionally healthy and independent people who will make a positive impact on society... I don't think a single member of his family is aware of how much I loved this man right up to the very end and how hearing him end his life has impacted me... not their concern... their own grief consumes them... if only they had half of the empathy that my friends have had and supported us even in the slightest way... so we could return to the 50s mindset and not talk about anything uncomfortable... not talk about money... not talk about any little thing that could possibly make our circumstances any better so that I can begin to heal... so that I can finally feel like today is just another ordinary day and when a friend asks "How are you doing?" it's because it's habit and I can say "We're fine" without having them worry that I'm hibernating in my house... I know that day is coming... I'll just have to be patient...

2006-10-18T07:49:00.000-05:00

It's been almost two weeks since Chris' death and you would think that life would settle back down... in most aspects it has... the kids are back in school and seemingly have adjusted to our new reality... I'm open for business again and working as much as I normally do... the laundry is finally being done and put away... I even almost went to the PTA meeting last night but Hannah was way too tired and had a meltdown... it felt completely normal... I got to watch Oprah last night and caught one of my shows that I like... I was in bed at a reasonable hour and then... well... then nothing... so I watched more television in hopes of falling asleep... and then I watched some more... and still nothing... it was almost 4 a.m. before I fell asleep and my alarm is set to go off at 6:30... and that's only because I let myself sleep in... part of me thinks it's because I need to get back to the gym because I could always go to sleep after a couple of hours there... part of it's because I know that it's almost 12:36 a.m., the official time of his passing... and some may think "Well, turn the TV off!" but that's not it... I've been sleeping with the television on since Chris moved out... I like the noise as I drift off... and it's not like I enjoy watching Cheaters or the numerous infomercials that come on at that hour... I just cannot fall to sleep... the upside to my day is that I'm in real clothes... not the black that I've been wearing since he passed, and not the exercise clothes that I forced myself to wear in hopes of getting to the gym these past two days, but my favorite jeans and a regular shirt... though I may change my shirt in a little while because they're having a flu shot clinic at our clubhouse and I'd like to get that out of the way, but otherwise I'm dressed... and showered...

2006-10-17T12:50:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I've mentioned it somewhere on this blog that when we went to see Chris privately that Saturday that there was a group photo of Chris with his brothers and sister from when they were little... Chris couldn't have been more than 5 in that picture and the look in his eyes is haunting... it's obvious to me that this portrait was taken after the abuse had started... there was a deadness in his eyes and the expression on his face is much like that of soldiers when they return from combat... they try to smile... they try to pretend that everything's fine but if you look you will see the 1000 yard stare... they're not there... it's just a shell... the reason I bring this up is our son, Jack, is the spitting image of his Daddy... he is a mini Chris through and through and I know that there is much of the rebellious streak that Chris exhibited... the one difference between the father and son is the look in the eye... Jack has only been loved his entire little life and there is a light of joy and hope that shines bright... he even smiled at me with his impish little grin as I laid him down for his nap... pure innocence and love... there is hope for the next generation of this family to not have to repeat the sins of the father... that they can grow with the security that their Daddy never knew...

2006-10-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

An incredible lesson I have learned through this is the power of friendship... I have returned two emails this morning, one to Ian who inspired me to blog, and one to my dear friend Mary... both have sent me numerous emails full of love and well wishes as we've been trying to make sense of all that's happened... what never ceases to amaze me is how little we consider our friends' daily lives until a tragedy occurs... it forces us all to stop going through the motions of everyday life, of merely existing in this realm, and really live each moment... I don't know whether to be grateful for this lesson learned the hard way but I have said and will continue to say that we all need to be more aware in our lives and take a moment to tell your friends that you love them... not just me as we work through this, but to all of the people you count as friends... I had one friend who was in counseling and she called me up and told me that her therapist called me her safe haven... it never occurred to me to be any different and that you're suppose to support their decisions and be happy for them... we're supposed to be there for the ups and downs and thank them for just being themselves... I truly feel blessed to know there are so many people who count me as their friend and will do my best every day to remember each of you... I will do better at calling and dropping cards in the snail mail for no reason other than to say that I'm thinking of you... our friends lift us up when we've stumbled and hold us tight when we're scared... without the outpouring of kindness I don't know if I would have had the strength to be the mother that my kids need me to be... I know in time I'll be whole again but you, my sweet friends, make all the difference!

Charge of the Day: Perform two random acts of kindness and pick up the phone and tell someone how much they mean to you!

2006-10-17T00:28:00.000-05:00

It's approaching the witching hour and I've done the ultimate bit of public declaration that I could think of... I emailed Oprah's upcoming shows site and coincidentally they are planning on a show about how children cope with the loss of a parent... it makes me wonder how effective I've been in handling the kids and their fragile hearts... they've finally gone back to their own beds and they are smothered with hugs and kisses... Hannah's in play therapy at school and I'm still waiting to see how Jack is processing it... they both get to play at their friends' houses and they are constantly surrounded by people who care... I make sure I tell them every day that I love them and am trying to apply all of the Love and Logic advice since I no longer have to deal with the conflicting parenting styles between the two households... from now on they will only be in the most loving environment that I can possibly provide and do all that I can to make them strong and independent... though they have "a hole on their soul in the shape of their Dad" (to steal a line from an Oprah show on fathers) at least it's because he has passed away, not because he's too busy with his new life to be a Daddy... that's a hole that I can only plug with good memories and strong male role models... maybe our story will be picked up, maybe not, but either way this is a story I have to tell to as many people as I can because it was an unnecessary death...

2006-10-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

I sit here and ponder my next strategic move... after talking to my favorite attorney, I have a much better idea of what needs to be done and there is no room for being nice... that's not to say there isn't room for mercy but it makes it abundantly clear that there is no room for being sweet...

For those of you who took the pop quiz, your answers will be scored and those who pass will get a gold star! Bonus points if you know who/what BOB is...

You hear people talk about teaching points in their lives... moments that changed the essence of their Being and I know that my life has forever been altered... a friend pointed out that I was traumatized by having to hear him kill himself and I have yet to deal with that... I keep telling people that if you look at it as he honored me by sharing his last hours with me... that he trusted me enough to come to me after all that we have been through... to take it like that, instead of allowing myself to feel negatively about it, makes an incredible difference in how we recover our lives... personal perspective is reality... not many people acknowledge that... if someone is crazy and they think they're the King of Siam, then by God, they are the King of Siam... just because my reality doesn't coincide with yours doesn't lessen the truth of my reality... I have also been giving much thought to what I should do with all of this newfound knowledge that I have... this all will eventually manifest itself into a book... can't guarantee it will ever get published and find it's way to a library shelf but I will do something with all of this...

I just also spent a couple of hours in a training session tonight with a woman who deals with child abuse, how to recognize signs, and how we can help... it is staggering to hear that only 1 in 10 children will ever acknowledge abuse when it's happening... listening to how little boys react, how it shapes them as they mature, and how they may cope when they're older made me feel as if this woman had met Chris... the people who have been so disrespectful to me in the wake of his death have all been people who I feel contributed to Chris taking his own life... he was molested as a child and his parents failed to prosecute Elmer because it was the un-Christian thing to do... for two years he endured this molestation and when he finally went to the people that are supposed to be his protectors, they failed him... this rejection can only crush what little self-worth we have as children... thus setting it up in his mind that this was just a part of life... that it was all right when his youth pastor did the same thing to him as he got a bit older... that it was fine for a cousin to do it to him in his teenage years where he was struggling to prove his masculinity by sleeping with every girl in sight but also submitting to what was a part of his life... a part that made him feel little self-worth and caused him to live as large as he possibly could... for him to disconnect with what's happening around him because he had been so traumatized that he could not live in the moment... he didn't know how to connect because when he had been able to be present he was violated... that was a huge problem in our marriage, that he couldn't feel the love, joy, sorrow, shame that any normal person could feel... he could only feel anger because little boys are not allowed to feel sorrow or cry, they have to be tough and act like little men, not like little sissy boys... and so I sat there listening to Chris' life unfold before me from a total stranger, making a few missed connections as to why he behaved as poorly as he did... I always thought the trauma of his childhood was our main problem and would voice my opinion of it but I never fully understood the developmental progression enough to help him see... my specialty was not initially childhood development... my focus was more towards state and mood disorders and it helped to an extent in how I dealt with him but he was never ready to hear that it wasn't his fault... that he did not deserve to have his innocence taken from him... that he had much value as a human, and for me, more so as a father... he was terrified of being a father in the beginning because he was afraid of what he might do... he was even more terrified when we learned that our second child was going to be a boy... it took him all of these years to finally allow himself to be somewhat vulnerable to emotions that allowed him to be a good Daddy this last year... it's what his girlfriend did not realize... Chris put himself out there for the first time in his 32 years to being loved without fear... their common thread was her being raped around the time that they met and it allowed for Chris to be a savior to her where he could not have done so for himself all those years ago... it allowed for him to take a baby step out from behind the shield that he'd been hiding behind all of these years... even in the time that he was with me, he would rarely let down that guard... he'd let me catch a glimpse of his sweet, loving self from time to time but it was too hard to be vulnerable... he thought he finally would be able to have the life that he always wanted and had been struggling to keep... it didn't have to end like it did... he didn't have to kill himself... he just couldn't see the truth... Veritas Chris... may you finally know peace...