Death is a funny thing… it impacts every person in a different way and each thinks the other is way out of line in how they’re dealing with their grief… I, personally, went into crisis mode when confronted with the loss of my ex-husband… he and I had finally gotten beyond most of our differences and we were making strides towards doing all that one can do when they're trying to raise children between two households... I called him one evening to see when he planned on seeing the kids and could tell he was upset... we talked briefly and we agreed he would see the kids soon... later he calls and starts pouring out all that had happened and told me why he was so upset... he and his girlfriend had a major fight because he was trying to be honest and admitted he cheated on her... like any woman would do, she got angry and she left... she needed some space and went out into the night... after not being able to get a hold of her, he calls me and tells me how he thinks she's going to throw him out and that he doesn't know what he's going to do... we spend almost two hours on the phone talking about how I think he's an idiot for admitting such a thing considering he never would cop to cheating on me during our marriage until after he left... I put in my two cents about how she needs time to be angry so let her have this time and things will work out in the morning... I'm a big believer in letting things rest until the morning light so we don't rush into anything that we can't take back... during the course of this conversation our kids go by and I make each of them say "I love you, Daddy" and gave them each a moment to talk to him... I thought that would help him see that there wasn't so much despair in his life because he has two beautiful children who adore him... we reach a point where I thought he would go to bed and rest so I hang up with him and call his girlfriend... she and I speak for a few minutes, just long enough for me to know that she's upset and will be staying at a hotel for the night... I call my ex back to let him know that she's all right and she'll be back in the morning... I could tell from the way he was talking he was highly agitated and I could hear him playing with his gun... he makes his intentions fairly clear and we play our usual hang up/call back routine... the last time I managed to call back he said good-bye and then he shot himself in the heart... it took me a moment to realize what he had done and then all I know is that I'm screaming into the phone for him to pick up the f*cking phone or I'll call the police... with my heart in my throat, I pick up my other line and call 911... I barely remember talking to the operator but I stayed on the other line with my ex until the police found him... I found myself in front of his house with all of the police cars lined up and down the street and time stood still... I notice bright flashes through the shades as the investigators take the crime scene photos... it has been so surreal and now I sit on the last hours of the last day I will ever be in his presence...
It hasn't hit me yet that I'll never see him again... I've been so focused on getting everything in place for our kids... our daughter just turned 7 a little over a month ago and she's old enough to know that he is never coming back... our son is 4 and he hasn't a clue... he'll look at you and tell you his Daddy's heart stopped and he's dead in the same tone he'd tell you the sky is blue... I have been on auto-pilot because I know I have to keep it together to help them make it through these few days as we try to achieve some levels of normalcy... we said our good-byes and we sat through his service as we heard his father talk about him from when he was a child... none of it was anything recent and not once did he mention me, though I'd spent 8 years with the guy... I say this because I am angry... angry that I had to get permission from his girlfriend to be able to take our children to see their Daddy... angry that she only left us with 30 minutes to privately say our good-byes... angry that there was a family-looking photo and if you did not know that I existed you would have thought that those were her kids... angry that the obituary also sounded as though they were her children... angry that had I not made an enormous collage to make my presence known you would've have asked me if I was an aunt as someone who attended the funeral did... it hurt more to be purposely omitted from the memorial to his life... these were people who professed their love and always said that I'm still a part of their family yet declined to include me in on any part and allowed the woman who slept with my husband to have the place of honor at his funeral... the woman who was the catalyst for our divorce was now also the catalyst for his death... don't get me wrong... he was bipolar and would have eventually done this at some point, but we might have had another day, week, or month with him... he might have been able to have one last Halloween with his kids... all of the "what ifs" that will haunt her for the rest of her life... that is the guilt she has to live with... for me, he gave me the gift of knowing that he turned to me when he was alone... he gave me his last hours in this world and set things right... he trusted me enough to know that I would be there for him unconditionally and that I would take care of whatever was necessary... never did I believe he would truly pull the trigger but he gave me the ability to tell our daughter that Mommy was talking to Daddy when his heart stopped and that I called for help to come as quickly as possible... he also left me knowing that he went quickly and didn't have to suffer any more... he left me without having an ounce of guilt and for that I am thankful... Chris, you selfish bastard, you didn't have to do this but rest assure that I will raise our children to still believe that you hung the moon...