Right around this time of year I start to get this nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something coupled with undertones of dread and anxiety… I check my schedule to see if I’ve missed an appointment or something where I might have left someone hanging… and then I see it… Seriously? Is it already that time again?

October 5^th is a very ominous date in our house… it is the date that shattered our lives which I have meticulously tried to pick up and piece back together… and I will say after almost 4 years we’ve come much further than I ever could have imagined…

But almost 4 years ago I reluctantly joined a very unfortunate club… I am a survivor of suicide… oh, the irony… why on earth would we be called survivors when we weren’t the ones who chose to leave this plane of existence… we were the ones left behind… we were happily oblivious in our la-di-da land only to inherit the despair, anger, and confusion that comes when someone you love takes an intentional one way trip to the other side…

This is the first year I see something more in that word- survivor… I can finally see the word survivor requires a depth of character and superhuman strength beyond comprehension… it requires courage to stretch into the unknown with hope and faith that life can be good again… and I can safely say, from this side of the abyss, that life is good…

I recently remarked to a friend how awful it is that it takes a loved one’s death to force us to choose to be alive… to take chances and make choices that keep us true to who we are… to empower us to throw off our shackles of expectations so we may experience the freedom to be ourselves…

So… we will take pause on October 5^th to allow the kids to remember their father and I can remember the chaos, turmoil, pain, and joy he brought into my life… for as selfish as I think it was for you to leave them like that and to force me to be a part of your end, I still love you… damn it, I do… because you gave me my babies who are becoming the most amazing souls… you’ve allowed them to grow without the stain of your past and for that I will always be grateful…

Veritas

Wow... it's October again and funny how it creeps up on me... I haven't had much time to notice the year slipping away after the flurry of activity this summer with our road trip to New York and getting the kids back into the rhythm of school... but my subconscious is my eternal timekeeper and I've been noticeably withdrawn from everything over the past couple of weeks...

You'd think that after almost three years I'd be able to approach the anniversary without tears running down my face... I wish it could be that way... but parts of me have gotten upset all over again as I watch the kids hit new milestones... Hannah is turning into a young lady and poor Jack still struggles with his emotional outbursts even at 7... his emotional growth stunted to that of a 4 year old... too young to understand what caused his father's death... too young still to really know what happened... I hope that time and lots of love will heal them both...

As for me... well... I feel as though the flood gates have been opened and all of the emotions I was forced to swallow so I could pull my family back together have overwhelmed me... I've dealt with my emotions as best as I could over the past few years and can understand them but I still find the odd trigger that releases the tears and leaves me sobbing... though I can see why Chris chose to take his own life, parts of me will always think he took the easy way out... I know life is difficult... but you have to do more than survive the tragedy that befalls you... you have to truly live... otherwise that's the greatest tragedy of all... so somehow... someway... I have to keep getting out of bed and lift my face to the sunshine and drink in all of the beauty of life... I will give this somber date its due and will keep moving forward...

Two weeks from this Thursday and you'll find us at Kobe Steaks... normally we'd be at karate practice since the kids love it so much but on that particular Thursday we'll be honoring Chris' birthday... if he would have lived to have seen it he would be joking about making his bid for Presidency... yes, of the United States... and I would have joked that there would be no way he could run for public office with his kind of past... though I guess his past is the norm for politicians so maybe he would have fit like peas in a pod...

Much runs through my mind when his birthday comes around... and this year mine will also be poignant... I am turning 33... an age he never got to turn... and parts of me are sad that he never got to physically be here for all of the growing that has occurred... both Hannah and Jack are blossoming into their own larger than life personalities... he would have loved to have seen it... but if I am to believe what I tell the kids, he's here... we all carry him in our hearts so he gets to be here for it all...

We are approaching our third Christmas with Chris and it amazes me how much has changed while other parts are still very much the same... the kids are growing quite a bit as is their curiosity... I've seen a few tears that I haven't quite been expecting and most of them have been mine...

I don't know what it is about this year that is harder than the last two... I guess the only part I can think of is in a couple more months I will have spent more time on this planet living than he did... not that I think he ever fully lived his life... far too much of his was buried under the pain and masked by the drugs and alcohol... but that thought just feels unfair... mostly for the kids...

There have been more times of late where they exhibit the desire for me to remarry... to find that perfect Daddy for them... a lap and strong arms to crawl into and wrap them up away from harm... I wish I could fulfill that desire for them but I would have to find the perfect man for all of us... which is why I feel that position will remain vacant for quite some time...

Moments creep up on me where I am overcome by the grief... after all this time it's still hard... trying to raise these two on my own is not easy... not easy to admit to anyone that I don't always feel that I can handle this task... not easy wondering how much it's screwing them up by not having a father around... not easy trying to be the strong one when all I want to do at times is crumble and weep...

I know it will eventually get better... I just hopes it comes sooner than later...

Today would have been Chris' 34th birthday... it becomes a stark reminder of how long he's been gone and how much life has changed... this year I will turn 32... the final age he got to be... and somehow that feels almost wrong though I am grateful that his suffering came to an end... but on this day I send him a special prayer... I pray for him to know that the kids are doing as best as can be expected and we have found laughter again... may your spirit rest wherever you are...

I had promised Hannah that I would finally tell her how Chris died and so today I told her... I was surprised that there were no tears on her part and that she took it like a big girl... I only gave her the briefest of details, telling her a little about being bipolar and how his brain was sick... she asked a few questions but didn't want to know too many details.... I did tell her that he used a gun but there weren't too many questions about why... that surprised me more than anything else but was a bit of a relief... I thought this would be harder on her but she had apparently heard about it from a friend of hers whose mother did not think to censor her mouth when sharing such intimate details... hopefully this will make it easier for her as she grows... I hope the next round of questions will be as easy as this first round... all in all, it seems to be the best gift I could have given her this holiday season... truth.

Somehow I thought today would be mostly us in tears... that the kids wouldn't want to go to school or I would get a phone call from their teachers that they were bawling and wanted to come home... Jack had a great day and was rambling on about what they learned in class and Hannah didn't even notice... it wasn't until I pointed out what the date was that she realized that it's the anniversary of his death... I had already decided that we were going to dinner, make some pictures and write some letters to float up to Heaven in balloons, and make a wish and a prayer on a candle that Chris was safe in Heaven...

I think I missed him more because I have greater awareness of how and when he died... I couldn't allow this date to go unnoticed by the kids because as they grow they need to have some connection to him... but as I was the only one who shed any tears I feel more confident that the choices I have made over this past year have been the right ones... the kids both seem fairly healthy... or at least as healthy as they can be with how our life is now... the only wish that Hannah has is that I get married at some point so we can have someone else living in the house with us... they just need more positive male role models in their lives... maybe some day I'll meet the right man who can fill such a tall order but for now we have reached the final milestone of the first year... we have come through stronger and happier... and we did it with the support of all of you... you'll never fully know how much we appreciate all of the love and kindness we've been shown... *hugs*

It is now the time of his official passing... counting the minutes and then the final seconds gives me much emotions... I am listening to Leonard Cohen's If It Be Your Will... a very appropriate song that he loved and was played for him at the funeral... Good-bye Chris...