It is officially what would have been Chris' 33rd birthday... not quite sure what all we're going to do aside from going to dinner... I noticed Hannah had "Happy Birthday Dad" written in her school planner... we've talked about it some but most of the questions have stopped... we're still waiting to do inventory of the storage unit but there's still plenty of time for that... I've got a friend who'll be there for moral support so it won't be so bad...
His mother called earlier and I unfortunately picked up... I had been on another call when she beeped in and since the caller ID doesn't register when you're on the other line, it becomes answer at your own peril... I have successfully avoided talking to them because she is passive aggressive and does her best to try to make me feel guilty... I think it bothers her that I don't have the guilt that they do and that I seemingly have moved forward... yes, I have made positive steps in my life but that doesn't mean that it's easy to not have him around... regardless of how I feel, life will move on with or without me and I cannot allow myself to stand still and lose myself again... when his mother asked how we're doing I tell her the basics but I don't elaborate... I don't tell her that I had a great weekend because I got to enjoy adult company for once without the kids and that the kids spend a lot of time around my parents... I have to defend why I don't drive the seven hours it takes to go visit them in Arkansas though I tell them every time we speak that I work every day but two Saturdays each month... I don't have time and refuse to take time off to go up there... with how I've been treated over the years it will take quite a bit more than the occasional phone call to get me to see them... if they were down this way I may opt to have dinner with them but I will not go out of my way for them anytime in the foreseeable future... his parents don't seem to understand what is truly going on... they seemed unaware that I am the administrator for his estate and that it is at my discretion how his estate is divided up... the kids get whatever they want plus a few things that will have more meaning for them when they get older but all the rest is however I choose to handle it... I don't want his stuff crowding up my life again... and how do you tell a mother on the eve of what would have been her eldest son's birthday that you are doing your best to sanitize your life of him and truly want nothing to do with them? I know it's not right to deny them the ability to see their grand kids but they have a lack of judgment when it comes to what is proper to do with kids and I will not ever allow anyone to do anything that will be detrimental to their well being... and how do you tell his mother that our lives are so much better now that Chris is gone? How much of a relief it is that I don't have all of his drama and uncertainty to handle? How that there are so many more benefits for us now that he's out of our lives and that I'm glad there's no one else to influence the kids unless I allow them into our lives... all points that she's not ready to hear... it would just reinforce whatever their beliefs are about me and even I cannot be that cruel... I can see their point of view... I can see how hard it is for them to not be able to understand what really happened... but I also see that they are not ready for the truth... I know that they are not capable of seeing Chris as he truly was and how he got to be that way... I wouldn't want to know that either if I had any part in making him the way he was... there is just so much that I would love to say to them but it would completely crush them... his mother is way too fragile emotionally to handle any of it... she thinks she would probably break down and cry if she talked to the kids and that is not healthy for any of them... I don't know what kind of support system they have but she has not accepted his death in any way and all of that is very evident when I speak to her... God, I must seem callous to them... four months now without him and I have done everything I can to move on... I won't ever forget him and I won't let the kids forget him but life has to go on... it's not fair but it does... I can only pray for them to have the same kind of healing that I am experiencing and maybe they, too, can see the beauty that life still has to offer...
His mother called earlier and I unfortunately picked up... I had been on another call when she beeped in and since the caller ID doesn't register when you're on the other line, it becomes answer at your own peril... I have successfully avoided talking to them because she is passive aggressive and does her best to try to make me feel guilty... I think it bothers her that I don't have the guilt that they do and that I seemingly have moved forward... yes, I have made positive steps in my life but that doesn't mean that it's easy to not have him around... regardless of how I feel, life will move on with or without me and I cannot allow myself to stand still and lose myself again... when his mother asked how we're doing I tell her the basics but I don't elaborate... I don't tell her that I had a great weekend because I got to enjoy adult company for once without the kids and that the kids spend a lot of time around my parents... I have to defend why I don't drive the seven hours it takes to go visit them in Arkansas though I tell them every time we speak that I work every day but two Saturdays each month... I don't have time and refuse to take time off to go up there... with how I've been treated over the years it will take quite a bit more than the occasional phone call to get me to see them... if they were down this way I may opt to have dinner with them but I will not go out of my way for them anytime in the foreseeable future... his parents don't seem to understand what is truly going on... they seemed unaware that I am the administrator for his estate and that it is at my discretion how his estate is divided up... the kids get whatever they want plus a few things that will have more meaning for them when they get older but all the rest is however I choose to handle it... I don't want his stuff crowding up my life again... and how do you tell a mother on the eve of what would have been her eldest son's birthday that you are doing your best to sanitize your life of him and truly want nothing to do with them? I know it's not right to deny them the ability to see their grand kids but they have a lack of judgment when it comes to what is proper to do with kids and I will not ever allow anyone to do anything that will be detrimental to their well being... and how do you tell his mother that our lives are so much better now that Chris is gone? How much of a relief it is that I don't have all of his drama and uncertainty to handle? How that there are so many more benefits for us now that he's out of our lives and that I'm glad there's no one else to influence the kids unless I allow them into our lives... all points that she's not ready to hear... it would just reinforce whatever their beliefs are about me and even I cannot be that cruel... I can see their point of view... I can see how hard it is for them to not be able to understand what really happened... but I also see that they are not ready for the truth... I know that they are not capable of seeing Chris as he truly was and how he got to be that way... I wouldn't want to know that either if I had any part in making him the way he was... there is just so much that I would love to say to them but it would completely crush them... his mother is way too fragile emotionally to handle any of it... she thinks she would probably break down and cry if she talked to the kids and that is not healthy for any of them... I don't know what kind of support system they have but she has not accepted his death in any way and all of that is very evident when I speak to her... God, I must seem callous to them... four months now without him and I have done everything I can to move on... I won't ever forget him and I won't let the kids forget him but life has to go on... it's not fair but it does... I can only pray for them to have the same kind of healing that I am experiencing and maybe they, too, can see the beauty that life still has to offer...
posted by Sarah at 12:19 AM
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