The first week of the new year has passed and I'm trying to make good on one of my resolutions... get the house organized... I finally bought the heavy duty shelves for the garage and every 14 gallon tub that the store had and spent a good part of the day (and now night) putting them together and sorting... this is a task I have been putting off for the last few months... but I've gone 92 days without Chris and I'm about to get him back... along with every possession he had... and so I must go and make room for him again... the cleaning got off to a good start, and though I'm a bit jittery from all of the coffee I've been drinking to help me through, I've hit a snag... I've had two things on my mind that I need to unload...
The first is I had prospective parents come for an interview on Friday... they had originally said they would aim for nap time so we could have more uninterrupted time to talk but they chose to come during afternoon snack time... this is around the same time that Hannah gets home from school, which also means she has her friend in tow along with my friend who drops her off... it's a normal part of our afternoon and I don't mind sharing that with parents but this day was a bit more chaotic than normal... Jack has taken to wetting his bed again... he's been crying in the night and waking up with his pants wet... then he cries more because he's wet... he's been more aggressive of late and using some very ugly language... mostly he tells me he hates me... I don't take it personally because I know he's frustrated and angry about losing his father and so I take the brunt of his outbursts... he's also screaming and crying more about his cars because he's also become extremely attached to them... another normal outlet for his grieving process... and so these potential parents come during our afternoon rush and witness Jack having a full blown meltdown... I did preface our conversation with a brief explanation of our lives over the past few months... they showed an expected amount of sympathy but to hear the mother's tone when the meltdown started and the disapproval of how I handled the situation has not been sitting well with me... any child's outburst is unpleasant to listen to but this woman had the audacity to come into my home and tell me that she was happy that I put him in the high chair and moved it over by the front door... usually his anger abates after a few moments, but because these parents were here, I was unable to address his needs and correct the behavior as quickly as I normally would... yes, I get frustrated with his current attitude and would like to be able to get a good handle on it, but for this woman to make such a comment really rubbed me the wrong way... I didn't write her name down but I still have her number in my caller ID and I have to call her in the morning... I cannot hold my tongue on this issue and will have to let them know that I am unable to extend them a spot in my day care... as nice as it would be to have another client, I am in a position that I don't have to take anyone and I would rather be more frugal than to not stand up for my son...
The other thing that has been on my mind is that it has been 92 days without Chris... I have been crying with greater frequency and know that the emotions will come in waves and that this is a long process... of course, there are certain things that will trigger the tears and I came across a few during my organization of the garage... because I am trying to do this in the proper manner, I am going through each box out there and sorting them into the new bins I bought... a good amount of the mess was from all of the boxes of Christmas decorations that I put up and now have put away into their new little tubs... and with that portion done, I began digging through the kids' things that were brought over from their Dad's just before Thanksgiving... by then, I had already had all of the Christmas boxes strewn about and didn't have anywhere for the toys to go so I just left them where they were dropped... not what my typical anal self would have done but I just didn't care... it was more than I wanted to deal with... after smelling Chris' scent all over everything I started crying... this time it wasn't the smell that got me... it was a picture of him in one of the boxes... it's one of the few that I now have that was taken after he moved out... it took me back to when I saw him at the private viewing and the tears just flowed... I can still feel the coldness of his hand and the sorrow in knowing that he didn't have to do this... he finally did something that I couldn't fix... and I cried some more... and then the song Held by Natalie Grant came on... it was written for a family that had just lost someone...
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It's unfair.
Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
I became aware of this song when one of my day care parents bought me a CD of 2006's greatest Christian hits... since I usually have stuff along the same lines playing (mostly to give me a break from Wheels On The Bus), I took it as a very thoughtful gift... I played the first disc a few times and thought the songs were great... there were a few I knew from church but most were new to me... I didn't really pay too much attention to the words when Held would come on... but when I thanked the mom for the album, she mentioned how much she loved that song and how it would almost move her to tears... and so I went back and really listened to it... I must have put it on repeat a dozen times before it stopped making me cry... there is so much truth in it... nothing in life can prepare you for the death of a loved one... and nothing will ever prepare you to hear a loved one kill himself... but apparently Hope is born of suffering... and that much I do know to be true... from this tragedy I have been given a great amount of Hope... the greatest irony is that this is the best thing that could have happened to us and the timing was good... it seems wrong to say that but it is so true... he was able to spend the past year being a good father to the kids... he left when both kids will be able to remember him... he left before the kids realized what a shit he can be... he left before he married his girlfriend or I'd be going through a whole different set of legal circumstances... as it stands now, she is entitled to nothing and can actually be prosecuted for theft of the estate if I want to pursue that avenue... and if they had married, the payout from Social Security would be substantially less than what it is... there will no longer be any threats of custody battles and child support issues... there will now only be one discipline style for the kids... I will always have the final word where they are concerned... Chris will not be able to be a bad influence or poor role model for them... he won't have any more opportunities to bring unsavory people into their lives and they will no longer have the prospect of a step mom... there's nothing wrong with the concept of a step mom but the one the kids would have ended up with is not my ideal situation and I don't believe anyone who goes after a married man has the right to try to parent my children... man... karma is a bitch... I actually feel a great amount of relief... I now know what it's like to be Held... I have been showered with Grace and Mercy... at times, it doesn't feel enough, but I am forever grateful... all I can do is bow down and ask for strength to do my best...
The first is I had prospective parents come for an interview on Friday... they had originally said they would aim for nap time so we could have more uninterrupted time to talk but they chose to come during afternoon snack time... this is around the same time that Hannah gets home from school, which also means she has her friend in tow along with my friend who drops her off... it's a normal part of our afternoon and I don't mind sharing that with parents but this day was a bit more chaotic than normal... Jack has taken to wetting his bed again... he's been crying in the night and waking up with his pants wet... then he cries more because he's wet... he's been more aggressive of late and using some very ugly language... mostly he tells me he hates me... I don't take it personally because I know he's frustrated and angry about losing his father and so I take the brunt of his outbursts... he's also screaming and crying more about his cars because he's also become extremely attached to them... another normal outlet for his grieving process... and so these potential parents come during our afternoon rush and witness Jack having a full blown meltdown... I did preface our conversation with a brief explanation of our lives over the past few months... they showed an expected amount of sympathy but to hear the mother's tone when the meltdown started and the disapproval of how I handled the situation has not been sitting well with me... any child's outburst is unpleasant to listen to but this woman had the audacity to come into my home and tell me that she was happy that I put him in the high chair and moved it over by the front door... usually his anger abates after a few moments, but because these parents were here, I was unable to address his needs and correct the behavior as quickly as I normally would... yes, I get frustrated with his current attitude and would like to be able to get a good handle on it, but for this woman to make such a comment really rubbed me the wrong way... I didn't write her name down but I still have her number in my caller ID and I have to call her in the morning... I cannot hold my tongue on this issue and will have to let them know that I am unable to extend them a spot in my day care... as nice as it would be to have another client, I am in a position that I don't have to take anyone and I would rather be more frugal than to not stand up for my son...
The other thing that has been on my mind is that it has been 92 days without Chris... I have been crying with greater frequency and know that the emotions will come in waves and that this is a long process... of course, there are certain things that will trigger the tears and I came across a few during my organization of the garage... because I am trying to do this in the proper manner, I am going through each box out there and sorting them into the new bins I bought... a good amount of the mess was from all of the boxes of Christmas decorations that I put up and now have put away into their new little tubs... and with that portion done, I began digging through the kids' things that were brought over from their Dad's just before Thanksgiving... by then, I had already had all of the Christmas boxes strewn about and didn't have anywhere for the toys to go so I just left them where they were dropped... not what my typical anal self would have done but I just didn't care... it was more than I wanted to deal with... after smelling Chris' scent all over everything I started crying... this time it wasn't the smell that got me... it was a picture of him in one of the boxes... it's one of the few that I now have that was taken after he moved out... it took me back to when I saw him at the private viewing and the tears just flowed... I can still feel the coldness of his hand and the sorrow in knowing that he didn't have to do this... he finally did something that I couldn't fix... and I cried some more... and then the song Held by Natalie Grant came on... it was written for a family that had just lost someone...
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It's unfair.
Chorus: This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive. This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge: If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
(Chorus) This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
I became aware of this song when one of my day care parents bought me a CD of 2006's greatest Christian hits... since I usually have stuff along the same lines playing (mostly to give me a break from Wheels On The Bus), I took it as a very thoughtful gift... I played the first disc a few times and thought the songs were great... there were a few I knew from church but most were new to me... I didn't really pay too much attention to the words when Held would come on... but when I thanked the mom for the album, she mentioned how much she loved that song and how it would almost move her to tears... and so I went back and really listened to it... I must have put it on repeat a dozen times before it stopped making me cry... there is so much truth in it... nothing in life can prepare you for the death of a loved one... and nothing will ever prepare you to hear a loved one kill himself... but apparently Hope is born of suffering... and that much I do know to be true... from this tragedy I have been given a great amount of Hope... the greatest irony is that this is the best thing that could have happened to us and the timing was good... it seems wrong to say that but it is so true... he was able to spend the past year being a good father to the kids... he left when both kids will be able to remember him... he left before the kids realized what a shit he can be... he left before he married his girlfriend or I'd be going through a whole different set of legal circumstances... as it stands now, she is entitled to nothing and can actually be prosecuted for theft of the estate if I want to pursue that avenue... and if they had married, the payout from Social Security would be substantially less than what it is... there will no longer be any threats of custody battles and child support issues... there will now only be one discipline style for the kids... I will always have the final word where they are concerned... Chris will not be able to be a bad influence or poor role model for them... he won't have any more opportunities to bring unsavory people into their lives and they will no longer have the prospect of a step mom... there's nothing wrong with the concept of a step mom but the one the kids would have ended up with is not my ideal situation and I don't believe anyone who goes after a married man has the right to try to parent my children... man... karma is a bitch... I actually feel a great amount of relief... I now know what it's like to be Held... I have been showered with Grace and Mercy... at times, it doesn't feel enough, but I am forever grateful... all I can do is bow down and ask for strength to do my best...
posted by Sarah at 2:49 AM
1 Comments:
Have you ever thought about you and the kids going to some sort of counciling? Or some group? It might help.
You have a new year to do things and make sure evertyhgin is done right. I myself have been focusing on being better organized and makign sure I dont mentally burn out with the work and home duties.
Being an adult is a real bitch.
((hugs))
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