I will say something shocking and I hope you all are sitting down... I love lawyers... yes, you heard me right... I love lawyers... there has to be something said for those who are able to make an emotional situation very cut and dry... it sucks right now because there is so much legal work to be handled and since I am the evil ex-wife, I technically have no rights but as the guardian of the children I have a duty to act on their behalf... so here I am professing my devotion to a group that is often cast as pariahs and sharks... I don't even know who's been appointed the executor of his estate but I do know that I have a legal leg to stand on... his girlfriend was deemed his commonlaw wife by the medical examiner so they could release his body and make the funeral arrangements... but under Texas law, since they were engaged and she even stated as much in the obituary she wrote, that is a public declaration that they were not yet married, though they did plan on doing so in the future... focusing on the legal side of these matters has helped me to not get upset so far... it almost feels like a normal day since Chris always kept me on my legal toes in the event he wanted something that he knew I would balk at... he had no other leverage over me and the courts were his only option if I was less than agreeable...

The busy work of my morning has helped a great deal... I fear that I hurt even more than I'm currently willing to admit to myself... I can be the best support for the kids in dealing with their emotions but I have yet to really let it all out... I have been crying intermittently and talking non-stop about how I'm doing, how the kids are doing, and what really happened to everyone that has called or stopped by. I had my first counseling session yesterday and it went as well as one could hope... the jumble of emotions has been unexpected... the sadness and anger weren't surprising... I was not expecting to feel relief but in a lot of ways I do... I no longer have to worry about the threat of being taken back to court... no matter how well we were getting along and behaving like good parents should, I always knew that he would pull out that threat instead of asking nicely or compromising... I no longer have to worry that he will drink and drive with the kids in the car... I no longer have to worry about who they might be left with because they will no longer be around people that I don't trust... they know who they are and they know why I don't trust them to protect my babies... so for that I am relieved...

One other thing that I feel worth mentioning is about photographs... I had spent some time with one of my best friends going through all of our photos (sorry Jenne, I know there are a few thousand of them) because she offered to help organize them into albums and I've been looking at a lot of pictures over the past week... I'm currently staring at my neighborhood ID tag and the picture on it (taken 2 days before our lives were shattered)... I insisted on getting a new photo because I've changed quite a bit since my last one that was taken 4 years ago and because I have spent the last year and a half finding that smile... for any of you who knew me in high school, you know that I always had a big smile on my face and that was the main reason I was a front row dancer in our show choir... it took a long time to find that smile and now I'm wondering how long it will be before this sadness leaves me and I can smile like that again...