Is it worse to be completely ignorant of mindless destruction or to be aware and still do nothing? I ask that because I am very aware that I have been mindlessly eating for the last eight weeks... initially I was eating when I wasn't hungry because Chris' death suppressed my appetite and I knew that I needed to eat to keep up my strength... then I kept on eating as everyone kept bringing meals and groceries, indulging in the treats that I generally never buy... I could have sustained myself by getting back to my workout regiment but I have found it difficult to force myself out of the house and down to the gym... as much as I like new experiences, I am very particular about where I work out and more so when the new gym is constantly busy... my old gym was very small but comfortable... I knew what I needed to do and there was a core group of people who we saw most every day who kept us accountable... yes, I know most of my friends belong to my new gym but this seems harder than when I first started dating... neither one is a comfortable situation... there's that word again... comfortable... can you tell that I'm hesitant to put myself in a new situation... yes, I want to move forward with my life but a part of me wants to withdraw completely and do nothing... and I am aware of that... I am aware that this is not good for my Being... definitely not good for my body... I see that I am still trying to hold on to the way my life was just a few short months ago... back when I was happy most all of the time... today I feel completely spaced out and though I am dressed in workout clothes I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't make it to the gym... I will find a good excuse to not go... I have some projects I need to finish... I need to watch television now that I have cable... I need to sit down and eat another cookie/brownie/whatever chocolate I can find... I can feel the will just drain right out of me... then I think maybe it would be alright since I know I'll be going tomorrow... there's a salsa class that a friend of mine thinks is fun and I know she'll more than likely be there... a sad resignation of my present life... not even really living... just merely existing... I will force myself back outside now to enjoy the weather with the kids before the winter winds arrive... here's to getting at least one foot back on the treadmill...