I look at yesterday and scratch my head... I had a good session with my minister and she liked the little checklist I had found on GriefWorks website... she took it with her so she could share it with the rest of the Stephens ministers... I felt like I had worked through a good deal of my grief and was well on my way to greener pastures... then I talk to his sister and realize how much anger I have pent up... I have yet to speak to the girlfriend aside from the time that she told me she wouldn't allow us to come over and that I'd need a court order to get anything... there is so much I want to say to her that I have only been able to post here or tell to his sister or mother... I don't like having to wait... I'm not that patient... I guess that's the most frustrating part... she lives not too far from here and I know where I can find her at work but I can't bring myself to confront her because I worry that she will hide some of Chris' things and make it impossible to recover everything that the kids want... I want to be done with this mess... I want my life to be able to move forward without her in it... you'd think she'd want me out of hers as well but maybe this is her last connection to Chris... maybe she's holding on so hard because it would mean that he's really dead... it took me a while to get that through my head but it doesn't stop from talking to him when I'm upset... it doesn't stop me from talking about him with the kids and remembering him... just because the body is gone does not mean that they're not still with us... I may have told the kids that Daddy's now in the hearts of all the people that love him to help comfort them, but they were not just words... he's in my heart... I will always have love for him... and I now can love him without worrying that he's going to do something else that would hurt me... no more court fights with him over custody of the kids or fear that he will reduce the child support or just not pay... there's nothing left for him to do because all I have left of him are the memories and the love... maybe I'm just too rational about all of this... I've such an analytical mind and will work through every situation before I actually make a move... so now I will just have to bide my time and let the lawyers handle everything...