Life can be cruel... I have a pot luck dinner tonight and I'm bringing a dessert... not just any dessert... but one of my Halloween cake concoctions where I raid the kids' candy to see what I can use for a cake... after a little digging I have found enough Snicker bars to add to my chocolate cake mix along with a little sweet potato... no, I'm not kidding... usually I add pureed black beans for added fiber but in light of the holiday theme I went with the sweet potatoes... I love making monster creations because they turn out a little different each time... this one proved to be a success as it is very decadent and is now under a layer of homemade chocolate frosting that has a few Milky Ways melted in for good measure... I can almost feel myself slipping into my usual holiday mode... a time when my inner Betty Crocker takes over and I start baking cakes and cookies for the masses... now the cruel part is the weather has been shifting and my allergies are in full force... I can barely taste anything because my head is stuffy and I'm hoping that my medication kicks in before I go to the dinner tonight... events like these keep me moving... some days I find myself talking out loud, usually aimed at Chris, but when it gets busy I have a hard time dwelling too much on what's happened... my life has turned into a big soap opera and I am forced to laugh... all I'm missing is Prince Charming on a white steed to rescue me... not that I need rescuing... I've always thought of my life as pretty boring and predictable because nothing exciting ever happened... the biggest upset in my life was getting the flu a couple of years ago and had to miss Open House at the preschool after we had worked so hard to pull it all together... now I've got drama and intrigue as daily partners and waiting for the next installment can be a little much... a friend of mine sees everything as a film and I told him I see life as a book... all of the characters have incredible back stories and there's a bit of wonder as to where the story will lead... mine's still being written and I'm just waiting for it to unfold... I've taken as much action as I possibly can for now and just have to let the legal system do its job... before I know it, Christmas will be here and time will hopefully start to make all of the pain fade away... I miss him... I miss all of the aggravation of coordinating our schedules so the kids can see him... there's never going to be any of that again... it's finally starting to sink in that I am completely on my own raising these kids... I know I can do it but it doesn't make missing him any easier... incredible that I still have feelings for him after all that we've been through... I never wanted him back but I was glad that he would always be a part of my life... I was finally getting the relationship with him that I had wanted and now I have to hold him up so the kids can remember him... I may gloss over the fact that he was an asbent father for the first five years and almost let Jack drown in the pool because he was too busy drinking... (Jack thankfully was pulled out of the pool by one of our neighbors who has since become one of my friends though I was unaware of what she had done when I met her)... I may gloss over the fact that he was never fully committed to our marriage because I'm hoping to instill in the kids that marriage is sacred and should not be taken lightly... I'm hoping to teach Jack how to properly treat a woman and teach Hannah how she should be treated... they no longer have an example of what not to do ever-present in their lives... all things I am thankful for... no more second-hand smoke or drinking and driving... but also no more fun camping trips and spontaneous jaunts to Six Flags... things that will have to wait until they're a little bit older or until I can talk my mother into going along... but we have a lifetime ahead of us to do whatever I feel like and for that I am a bit sorry that Chris can't physically be here to enjoy it with us... it's getting easier but I still miss him...