I find it hard to believe that this is the weekend before Halloween... the kids have their costumes all set... I need to find the final touches for mine... and we have two Halloween parties to go to tomorrow... these last three weeks have been a blur... filled with the entire neighborhood stopping by with food, food, and more food... and lots of hugs... last night's Grey's Anatomy was a rerun but it was the one where Izzy was on the floor after Denny died... they talked about how a split second can make time stand still... how that same split second can make time speed up... that's how these past few weeks have been for me... there are moments that I can't seem to shake... the moment he killed himself... the flashes through the window of the criminalists taking the crime scene photos... the moment they wheeled him out of the house... looking at him laying in the coffin for the first time... telling him that he didn't have to do this... it didn't have to end like this... the rest has been a blur... the public viewing... the funeral... everyone around me doing whatever they could to give me the strength to make it through... and as I'm watching the episode I start to cry... though I know the show's fiction... that they get to go home after the cameras fade to black, it gives me an opening to shed some of the tears I have been holding back... maybe I did need for his family to call so I can start to heal myself... the kids have been doing amazingly well... they still sneak into my room after I've fallen asleep but otherwise they're good... so I can now feel some relief in knowing that they're well on their way to becoming whole again and I can focus more on myself... sometimes it feels a bit selfish but I know that the best gift I can give them is a healthy mom... mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically... I have a long road ahead of me... but it all begins with a single step...