I am up later than I have been all week... that could be mostly due to me taking a power nap during one of my shows... I saw the beginning and I saw the end but who knows what happened in between... my mind keeps wandering back to what I said to my father earlier this evening... my parents are both off on Fridays and most Saturdays and make it a habit to come out as often as they can... they worry about us... mostly about me and how I'll manage... today was no exception... now I am completely aware that at the tender age of 30 there's still a lot that I don't know... but in every other aspect of my life I am extremely confident and capable and manage to make things work... I never doubt that in the end it will be as it should be... I am always aware of how many people I have around me who are incredibly talented and task oriented so it is easy to take on what I can and delegate the details to whoever is on hand... so it becomes hard for me to be the grown up that I am when my father is constantly nagging me about what I should do, how I should handle my finances, how I should discipline the children, how I should eat healthier and exercise more... all of the things that I'm hyper-aware of now that I am truly on my own raising these kids... it feels like he lacks the confidence in me because he has to repeat the same advice 20 times in one visit... it makes me, the kid who's been reading since 3 and tested with a 144 IQ (though not quite the genius level my sister's at), feel incompetent and moronic... and I tell him as much... I preface the conversation with I hope you don't take this the wrong way but... I could tell he was trying his best to not blow a gasket but still had to get in the last word... I could feel the words ungrateful and stupid flow from his posture... the look on his face and the near roll of the eyes was filled with disapproval... I know it'll be another week or so before I see him again so maybe it'll have blown over by then... maybe he would have actually heard the words that came out of my mouth for what they're worth... I highly doubt it... and if he did, he would never say as much to me... the funny thing about my relationship with my father is I have never once heard him tell me how proud he is of me... I have always felt like it was never good enough and that I was always a step behind... my sister truly is a genius... our father pushed her so hard and expected so much of her that she is now very content in her life not doing much... I say that not to be rude but only to mean that with the amount of brains that she's got, she could do anything with her life... now you have to understand those are my father's words, not mine... anything that's not a doctor or lawyer wasn't ever going to be good enough... so my sister rebelled in the only way that she could and lives a life of underachievement in our father's eyes... and she's happy... to me that's all that matters... I love her unconditionally of what she chooses to do with her life and I think her job is awesome... working for a small interior design company with all sorts of access to whatever a girl could want or need to spruce up a house is a dream... now I went the other way... nothing was ever expected of me because my sister had already set the bar... to not make the grades was not an option... so I became a classic overachiever... any of you that know my schedule are aware of my multiple commitments and am constantly trying to cram one more event into my life so I don't miss an opportunity... I work so hard that I hope that my father might just actually notice what I've accomplished and just tell me that he's proud of me... it's a hard realization that sometimes we, as parents, are incapable of seeing beyond our children's mistakes... and for my father, he is unable to see me for who I am today... I'll forever be the girl who butted heads with him throughout most of my life... I'm the girl who hasn't finished college... I want to say to him that it's not worth that little piece of paper to have him tell me that I'm wasting my time on a bullsh!t degree... I started off college with a grand notion of being a business major... mostly international business and maybe some contract law... then I fell in love with psychology and devoted my time to learning different methods and theories from the masters... now had I finished college I could have had an honest position doing something I was passionate about... something that would have fulfilled me and taken my life down a different path... but the one wall I kept coming up against is it's a waste of time to get a degree like that... there's nothing you can do with that degree that'll make you any money... now there are only two people in this whole world that a child looks up to... their mother and their father... whatever these two people say becomes the Gospel... it defines how a person thinks of themselves... it shapes their self worth and molds them into the people they will become... so when I hear my father tell me I'm wasting time and money for a worthless piece of paper that won't do me any good after busting my hump to get it, why on earth would I bother? All things I wish I could express to him but I know he's not open to it... you can tell, or at least I can tell, when someone is receptive to hearing news or advice... you become skilled in reading their body language and learning what the right thing to say is... we condition ourselves to behave in a certain manner and for me, I conditioned myself to be accommodating and pleasing to everyone else... I can tolerate any perceived rudeness of certain people because I am aware that they don't intend to act that way... it's just how they're hardwired... I conditioned myself to be the best friend I could possibly be and the best mother I could possibly be... put others' needs ahead of my own... the latter has taken some doing on my part to get closer to how I think mothers should be... I'll never be perfect and I don't mind... I just keep trying... the measure of success will be when my kids are graduated from college and making positive impacts in the world and content with who they are... I keep reminding them that the only opinion that ever matters is their own... almost hypocritical on my part since I strive just to be acknowledged by my own father... he does the best that he knows how... he just doesn't subscribe to the same philosophies that I do and will probably always view what I do as mistakes of the uneducated and uninformed... and he will always have the need to point out and correct my errors... I have to accept that about our relationship... personal perception is reality... that is my reality... one that I've tried to let him into but he refuses to acknowledge that that is how I view life nor will validate my emotions... so what's a girl to do? I keep up my end by accommodating his needs when he visits, I try to read the books he keeps sending, and I will listen to his endless political tirades though I have no real interest in national politics since I can have a greater impact in local politics... this is one that I have to be smart enough to acknowledge what I can change, acknowledge what I can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference... I can't change my father's behavior but I can change how I react to it and effectively shut down any conversation that I don't wish to have... it makes me hope that I'm parenting my children in a manner that will only nourish their souls... I hope that they never carry the doubt in their hearts that may hold them back from pursuing their passions... I hope we all can do that for our children by doing that for ourselves...