I can't sleep... it's the middle of the night and for once both of the kids are asleep... we spent most of the day baking cookies and making fudge but there are much weightier issues on my mind... my hearing got moved up on Tuesday morning... we're finally going to get before the judge and I can give my testimony... what I am going to say, I haven't a clue... who else is going to be there, don't know... all I know is the unknown makes me anxious... and it finally dawned on me that the girlfriend will most likely be there... I haven't seen her since the funeral and I still think she's a bitch and I still feel that she played a big part in why Chris killed himself... the guilt can be the only reason I can see why she's holding on so hard... it still makes me angry... there have been tears here and there and I do my best to hang on to them until I can be alone... 10 weeks of no longer having an ex-husband to bicker with... 10 weeks of the kids not having a father to hang on to and climb on... 10 weeks of really being alone... I've worked extra hard these last couple of months to ensure the kids don't forget him while trying to start new traditions... this was our first year baking together... they're both old enough to help cut the gingerbread into shapes and to decorate the sugar cookies... we're still planning on getting some helium balloons to send letters to Daddy in Heaven... I just wish it didn't have to be like this... they're too young to not have their Dad around... I'm afraid they'll forget him... all they'll have are my memories of him... it breaks my heart when I hear them ask when I'm going to get remarried... it's a question that comes up a lot more often than I'd like... the more I look at my emotional state, the more I know that I should not be dating right now... not for a long time... I took almost a year off when we separated to even have my first date... can you imagine the conversation when it comes to how my relationship is with the ex? It was always something that comes up on a first date because they want to gauge how psycho you are... if you get along then why did you get divorced? If you don't, how much of it was your fault... and to open that can of worms would be to release the floodgate... I have a hard time keeping back the tears when friends are giving toasts at the Christmas parties I've been to... to ask a direct question would make that pot overflow and I don't know when I'm going to be able to handle that... it's kind of interesting that a friend actually asked me how I've been doing... most everyone asks about the kids and all I can say is I think they're doing better than anyone could have expected... I don't know if Hannah internalizes everything like I do or if she's just so young that she's still too wrapped up in her daily life to process what's happened... Jack is... well, he's Jack... he's loud and obnoxious and all boy... he's also the one who cuddles in bed with me for a few minutes before he goes to bed... some moments he wants me to coddle him and others he can't stand to have me love on him... part of it's the age but I still think part of it is his inability to release his emotions... my friend was telling me how another little boy we know who lost his father this summer had been angry but when he was out at the farm, he spent a good 45 minutes yelling and chasing the goats... he had all of this emotion he needed to get out and finally found an outlet for it... I think Jack would benefit from something like that... running around and screaming at those poor goats... but few people stop to ask how I am because they've all told me how strong I am and how I'm the one person that could handle something like this... some days I push it out of my mind and do what I need to to get through the day... other days I have to drag myself to do anything other than shove food in my mouth... I've been nauseous lately and I don't know why... I'm not sick... I'm definitely not pregnant unless I am the chosen one to be raised to the level of the Blessed Virgin Mother... maybe it's the stress of going to court... who knows... either way, it's very late and I'm still awake... I'm tired of being the strong one... I'm looking forward to getting to court and also having a couple of days off... it turns out we don't have Sunday School for the next few weeks so I can either go or not go to church, or at the very least, sleep in a little later... I guess I'll go shower and get dressed and crash on the couch... a little catnap and a pot of coffee ought to do the trick...