This weekend has been a roller coaster ride... I have been feeling better overall because I'm finally back at the gym and my body is feeling it... it's almost like a drug for me because once I start going it's all I want to do... it makes me want to eat better and do whatever I have to do to get myself in the best shape I can be for my best friend's wedding... plus the kids love it and want to go all of the time... the down parts have been random moments of tears... apparently I haven't cried them all out yet... I even shed a few during service today and had to try to keep it to a minimum because I didn't bring that much tissue with me... maybe it's because I know that when the sun comes up it will be the day my attorney will file our motion now that we have waited our 10 days... another step closer to closing that chapter of my life... maybe it's because I still miss that dummy... there truly are moments where it feels like he's going to call to be an ass and the only reason he hasn't is because he's too busy doing something else... then it hits me that I'm on my own... that there's nobody else to lean on for those moments that the kids are just being kids and all I want to do is pull my hair out... and then Hannah asks me today when I'm going to get married again... she asks me if I'm going to marry my friend so he can be her step-dad and all I can say is that I have no plans to get married any time soon... I don't want to tell her that I'm not even ready to really be dating right now... I know I've pulled back from most everyone for the last couple of months and I'm not ready to put my heart out there... I'm not ready to be vulnerable to loving someone only to have them disappoint me, or worse, the kids... I've only dated a few people after the divorce but having Chris die really put me in a weird place emotionally... I want someone to be here for me and hold me at night but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go through what's necessary to get to that stage.... I can't bring men around the kids because they already hug everyone that comes to the door and will practically strangle them until I tell them to stop... we've already had the inappropriate hugging talk but they can't help themselves... they cling to everyone, especially the men... they want a father-figure in their lives so badly but if I allow someone in that later decides to leave, it'll break their hearts... all I can do is let nature take its course and do what I need to to get healthy emotionally and physically... most of the time I feel that I've made great strides and am holding it together pretty well... then I catch a glimpse of myself and see the stress has taken it's toll on my face... I think I look older... I look like I'm always tired and stressed... which is how I feel most of the time but that could be due to the fact that I have been shoving anything that doesn't move into my mouth and hadn't been exercising... I've also allowed the house to get beyond it's usual cluttered stage to a point that I couldn't take it anymore... I spent 6 hours helping Hannah get her room organized and it's still not finished... I haven't touched Jack's room in three weeks except to pull the sheets off his bed but now I have to put them back on... then there's my room... I spent a great deal of time looking for the perfect closet system to get myself organized and love what I have found... the only problem is I still have a small amount of stuff to wash, hang, and put up but my room is the last one to get cleaned so you can guess how often I've felt like doing that lately... before, I could get everything picked up when the kids went to their dad's and it would stay nice and neat for the weekend but now that they're here all of the time it's gotten hard... I'm going to see about having them spend a weekend a month with my mom so I can get everything accomplished... my sister got a kick out of my wish list for Christmas because all I asked for were gift cards to Home Depot and Ikea so I can buy the storage items I need... no clothes or perfumes this year... just more storage solutions... part of that desire for storage is to help me reclaim my life... to take a physical and emotional inventory of what I have and clear out the clutter, both from my house and my heart... I think I talked about this before when I got the closet system but it's doing away with the chaos in my life... I thrive in chaos because it's constant stress for me to keep moving faster and faster to try to get everything done and put a dent in my paper pile... I fear that if I get everything in its place then I will finally have the time to sit and think... then I might fall apart... and I can't do that... it doesn't feel fair that I still haven't just been able to do that... I just want a pair of strong arms wrapped around me so I can cry and let it all out... I want to be taken care of and not have the knowledge that it's all on me... that's what I miss the most about being married... I had a partner... well, not a very good one, but at least he was there... I could curl up next to him at night and still hope that tomorrow would be a better day... that maybe tomorrow he would love me the way that I loved him and he would be the kind of father the kids needed... now that hope is gone... and then I see couples who seem to be happy... and I know that it's not all roses for them because couples annoy each other in their own special way, but I don't know how long it's going to be before there will be a person in my life that I can be annoyed with... sounds crazy to want to have someone to be peeved at because the toilet seat was left up but it's that someone who will come up behind you when you're doing the dishes and kiss the back of your neck... and so I cry...