I guess my perception of what is normal is altered... it is an unfortunate fact of life that there is a lot of talk about death in our house... Jack's teachers are concerned that he asks when he's going to die and I know that's an uncomfortable conversation for most but here it is as normal as "When's dinner?"... he's so young that I'm not sure exactly how much he understands about what happened to his Daddy aside from he saw him for the last time laying in a casket and me telling him that his heart had stopped... we've talked about body parts before all of this happened so he had been exposed to a science series of books about the heart, skin, muscles, etc... part of him would like to know when his heart is going to stop and all I can tell him is that it will stop when we are done living our lives... how much longer any of us have is never known but we can enjoy each day that we're given as a gift...
Hannah's line of questioning of late is actually much harder to take than Jack's... she wants to know why I didn't do as many fun things with them as Daddy did... Daddy took us to Chuck E. Cheese... Daddy took us fishing... Daddy took us camping... Daddy to us to Six Flags... how do you explain the difference between a weekend parent versus the one that gets you up in the morning, helps you with your schoolwork, makes sure you have shoes that fit, and all of the other tedious things that mothers generally do? How do you make a 7 year old understand that her Daddy didn't want to have to deal with us for most of her life and did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and that those choices rarely involved us? All I could tell her is that everyone makes choices and before they were born I used to do fun things all of the time that made me happy... I used to dance and paint and go fun places whenever I wanted to... but then I had a decision to make... I had to decide that it was time to be a mother... not that it's right to give up all of the fun things in life, but life changes when you have children... that being a mother is hard work but it is work that I had chosen to do... and it is my job to ensure that they grow into healthy and successful human beings... that they are able to make the right choices when faced with hardships and to always know that they are loved... that's my job... I also had to tell her that Daddy didn't make the same choices that I did... that he chose to keep having his fun while I took care of them... that it took him until this past year for him to realize how important it was to be a good father... I had to emphasize that it's not an easy choice for every person to make but that he did the best that he knew how and that's all we can ask... I also had to remind her that it was easy for him to take them fun places because he had another adult to help him and that it would have been harder for him to do all of those fun things if they lived with him all of the time and only visited me... I know it was too much to unload on her but after being prodded so many times about why we never get to go to fun places, I couldn't just gloss over the fact that I work all of the time to make sure they are taken care of and have all of the things they need... not all of the things they want, but actually need... and they have a lot... a fact pointed out to me last weekend when a friend of mine came over for the first time and saw my classroom... and I know that's only a small part of what they have... it's such a fine line to walk... on one side, you want them to remember all of the fun they had with their Dad but not to the point that they think that's all that he did... it would be an impossible standard for me to live up to...
Does any of this get any easier? Most days are fairly normal between working all of the time and raising the kids... I know there's a part of me that hasn't fully dealt with his death and I'm not sure if I ever will... I know it's going to be hard when I take the inventory of the storage unit but I'm not sure even that will help me finally come to the point where I can truly feel all of the pain... I waffle back and forth between how I feel about Chris... I know I have immersed myself in work to avoid having too much down time to think about it all... it doesn't stop me from doing it but at least I am aware of what I'm doing... I miss him most days but when I talk about him with friends I am extremely aware of his shortcomings... it would be unfair of me to expose his weaknesses to the kids and show them how he really was... it would also be unfair for me to allow them to think he's a God who could do no wrong...
I also have a small amount of good news to share... well... good for me at least... my best friend, Jenne, is supposed to be moving in with us in a few more weeks until she can find a house... losing a small amount of privacy is a good trade for having her here... I wish her circumstances for coming down here were better but I am excited for having someone to lean on... her being here will also give me some much needed time off to take care of myself in ways that I haven't been able to since Chris died... she knows all of this and is still willing to come... I guess after 18 years there isn't too much that we wouldn't do for each other so hopefully this is what I need to overcome some of these hurdles...
Hannah's line of questioning of late is actually much harder to take than Jack's... she wants to know why I didn't do as many fun things with them as Daddy did... Daddy took us to Chuck E. Cheese... Daddy took us fishing... Daddy took us camping... Daddy to us to Six Flags... how do you explain the difference between a weekend parent versus the one that gets you up in the morning, helps you with your schoolwork, makes sure you have shoes that fit, and all of the other tedious things that mothers generally do? How do you make a 7 year old understand that her Daddy didn't want to have to deal with us for most of her life and did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and that those choices rarely involved us? All I could tell her is that everyone makes choices and before they were born I used to do fun things all of the time that made me happy... I used to dance and paint and go fun places whenever I wanted to... but then I had a decision to make... I had to decide that it was time to be a mother... not that it's right to give up all of the fun things in life, but life changes when you have children... that being a mother is hard work but it is work that I had chosen to do... and it is my job to ensure that they grow into healthy and successful human beings... that they are able to make the right choices when faced with hardships and to always know that they are loved... that's my job... I also had to tell her that Daddy didn't make the same choices that I did... that he chose to keep having his fun while I took care of them... that it took him until this past year for him to realize how important it was to be a good father... I had to emphasize that it's not an easy choice for every person to make but that he did the best that he knew how and that's all we can ask... I also had to remind her that it was easy for him to take them fun places because he had another adult to help him and that it would have been harder for him to do all of those fun things if they lived with him all of the time and only visited me... I know it was too much to unload on her but after being prodded so many times about why we never get to go to fun places, I couldn't just gloss over the fact that I work all of the time to make sure they are taken care of and have all of the things they need... not all of the things they want, but actually need... and they have a lot... a fact pointed out to me last weekend when a friend of mine came over for the first time and saw my classroom... and I know that's only a small part of what they have... it's such a fine line to walk... on one side, you want them to remember all of the fun they had with their Dad but not to the point that they think that's all that he did... it would be an impossible standard for me to live up to...
Does any of this get any easier? Most days are fairly normal between working all of the time and raising the kids... I know there's a part of me that hasn't fully dealt with his death and I'm not sure if I ever will... I know it's going to be hard when I take the inventory of the storage unit but I'm not sure even that will help me finally come to the point where I can truly feel all of the pain... I waffle back and forth between how I feel about Chris... I know I have immersed myself in work to avoid having too much down time to think about it all... it doesn't stop me from doing it but at least I am aware of what I'm doing... I miss him most days but when I talk about him with friends I am extremely aware of his shortcomings... it would be unfair of me to expose his weaknesses to the kids and show them how he really was... it would also be unfair for me to allow them to think he's a God who could do no wrong...
I also have a small amount of good news to share... well... good for me at least... my best friend, Jenne, is supposed to be moving in with us in a few more weeks until she can find a house... losing a small amount of privacy is a good trade for having her here... I wish her circumstances for coming down here were better but I am excited for having someone to lean on... her being here will also give me some much needed time off to take care of myself in ways that I haven't been able to since Chris died... she knows all of this and is still willing to come... I guess after 18 years there isn't too much that we wouldn't do for each other so hopefully this is what I need to overcome some of these hurdles...
posted by Sarah at 7:45 AM
1 Comments:
It does not get any easier with kids. Just wait till when they hit puberty!
I remember asking my parents and teachers when I was going to die when I was Jack's age. Then again I was a pretty morbid child.
The groovy thing about kids is that they openly ask questions we as adults are conditioned not to say allowed. Its a refreshing thing, yet it also makes us uncomfortable at times.
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