It's been about 10 days since Chris' parents were here and the fallout is much more apparent... Jack has been crying intermittently over nothing and Hannah has been asking more questions about how he died and wishing he hadn't moved out... somewhere in there she's connecting our fighting and moving out with his death... I know she's angry but with who? I've asked her to talk more about how she's feeling and tried my best to answer what I could but I can't fully explain why Chris moved out without completely tarnishing his character... I can't tell her what all of the fighting was about though she knows it has some to do with his girlfriend... she is just too young to know that loving someone isn't always enough to help them... I don't ever want her to feel that... I want her to be able to love and be loved without fear that it will end... she already clings and climbs all over the guys who spend any amount of time at the house, hugging them all and constantly asking which one I will marry... I have to laugh about it and explain that I'm not going to marry the AC repair guy just because we happen to have him over more than once to fix an issue...
Jack has been a bit harder to deal with because he doesn't know how to express his emotions... he cries for most everything and it's difficult to always distinguish between tired crying, emotional crying, and just being whiny for not getting his way... he's almost to the age where he can start therapy and I'll be happier when he can fully grieve and start healing...
I look at them both and know there's a long road ahead for all of us... it makes me question how far I have come... my emotions have been fairly well in check but there have been more days lately where I've been crying... it's generally triggered by other events but I can see that it has more to do with not dealing with my own grief than the trigger... it's also been a bit weird because I've been discussing this situation with new people and some have been surprised by my nonchalant attitude... it's not that I don't have strong emotions about it, but it's been ongoing for so long now that if I continued to be upset I would miss on how beautiful the day is... I don't want to lose another moment or opportunity for a second of happiness... I see Hannah's guilt when she's in the moment, laughing with her friends, and then she realizes that she's forgotten about Chris and that she should be sad that he's gone... I keep telling her that he would want her to laugh again... that he would want her to have fun and smile...
I guess this will allow me to take a firmer stance with his parents... after seeing how it affects the kids, I can't allow them to drop by whenever they have the urge... at this point I can say that Hannah and Jack need more time... having them here stirred up too much for them and his folks showed me that their judgment is still far from appropriate... his father had the gall to tell me that he doesn't blame anyone for Chris' death... it might be easy for him to say but I have a hard time with his position... I understand the pathology of how Chris came to his demise but it is far beyond the mental grasps of his parents... I just need to accept that this is how it will be with them, pray that they can accept my position where the kids are concerned, and continue to move forward with my life...
Jack has been a bit harder to deal with because he doesn't know how to express his emotions... he cries for most everything and it's difficult to always distinguish between tired crying, emotional crying, and just being whiny for not getting his way... he's almost to the age where he can start therapy and I'll be happier when he can fully grieve and start healing...
I look at them both and know there's a long road ahead for all of us... it makes me question how far I have come... my emotions have been fairly well in check but there have been more days lately where I've been crying... it's generally triggered by other events but I can see that it has more to do with not dealing with my own grief than the trigger... it's also been a bit weird because I've been discussing this situation with new people and some have been surprised by my nonchalant attitude... it's not that I don't have strong emotions about it, but it's been ongoing for so long now that if I continued to be upset I would miss on how beautiful the day is... I don't want to lose another moment or opportunity for a second of happiness... I see Hannah's guilt when she's in the moment, laughing with her friends, and then she realizes that she's forgotten about Chris and that she should be sad that he's gone... I keep telling her that he would want her to laugh again... that he would want her to have fun and smile...
I guess this will allow me to take a firmer stance with his parents... after seeing how it affects the kids, I can't allow them to drop by whenever they have the urge... at this point I can say that Hannah and Jack need more time... having them here stirred up too much for them and his folks showed me that their judgment is still far from appropriate... his father had the gall to tell me that he doesn't blame anyone for Chris' death... it might be easy for him to say but I have a hard time with his position... I understand the pathology of how Chris came to his demise but it is far beyond the mental grasps of his parents... I just need to accept that this is how it will be with them, pray that they can accept my position where the kids are concerned, and continue to move forward with my life...
posted by Sarah at 10:22 AM
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