Wow... it's October again and funny how it creeps up on me... I haven't had much time to notice the year slipping away after the flurry of activity this summer with our road trip to New York and getting the kids back into the rhythm of school... but my subconscious is my eternal timekeeper and I've been noticeably withdrawn from everything over the past couple of weeks...

You'd think that after almost three years I'd be able to approach the anniversary without tears running down my face... I wish it could be that way... but parts of me have gotten upset all over again as I watch the kids hit new milestones... Hannah is turning into a young lady and poor Jack still struggles with his emotional outbursts even at 7... his emotional growth stunted to that of a 4 year old... too young to understand what caused his father's death... too young still to really know what happened... I hope that time and lots of love will heal them both...

As for me... well... I feel as though the flood gates have been opened and all of the emotions I was forced to swallow so I could pull my family back together have overwhelmed me... I've dealt with my emotions as best as I could over the past few years and can understand them but I still find the odd trigger that releases the tears and leaves me sobbing... though I can see why Chris chose to take his own life, parts of me will always think he took the easy way out... I know life is difficult... but you have to do more than survive the tragedy that befalls you... you have to truly live... otherwise that's the greatest tragedy of all... so somehow... someway... I have to keep getting out of bed and lift my face to the sunshine and drink in all of the beauty of life... I will give this somber date its due and will keep moving forward...