It's Friday the 13th... a very ominous day... it does not bode well for me that this was the second day this week that I overslept... I hate being late for anything and having it happen twice in the same week never leaves me feeling well... I guess that must say a lot about my current state of being... I cannot get to sleep before 12:30 a.m. and I don't remember dreaming at all... I've been startled awake by my obnoxious doorbell and I'm a bit frazzled... today has been another day filled with my lovely attorneys and strategizing about what my next moves will need to be... his girlfriend told me that I would have to get a court order for whatever I needed and would not be lifting a finger to help me in any way... I have had to take a few deep breaths with that one and know that karma is a bitch and so am I... I will have an equal and measured response for her when she returns to the area... apparently she will be going back to Midland to get away from it all... I cannot imagine being in the same house where all of this took place and wouldn't be surprised if she sold everything and moved away... there is a special place in Hell for people like her... not that I'm a big believer in people burning for their sins nor am I one to pass final judgment on her but there is a great deal of suffering that a person with her morals will have to go through... all of this and remembering my final conversation with Chris are much of why I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like to be... I've finally figured that I will be all right as my business is going well enough for me to make ends meet... I've got a few irons in the fire and know that I will be taken care of... I have always managed to land on my feet and I truly believe that I'll be fine... plus my friend, Andrea, dropped off a special surprise for me... like everyone else who have been worried about me not taking care of myself, she felt that I needed a little time away so she got me a gift certificate to a spa so I can take an afternoon to just remove myself from being Mommy and get rejuvenated... I think that will do a world of good as I'm also now looking for a new gym... mine sent out a letter the day that all this happened and said it would be closing the following Monday... I have narrowed my options down to two and will go check them out this weekend because I need some mindless exercise to keep me going... nothing like running on the treadmill to clear your thoughts... I've been a space cadet for the past week and am trying to get my bearings again...

I've been feeling very detached from this whole situation... almost as if it's happening to someone else... I've had so many others tell me which words I should use around the kids and I feel like I've been repeating the same script over and over and over... if I say it enough maybe it will sink in... my problem is I know my personality type... we had to take a test in college so we could see which fields would best suit us... I'm an INTP... introverted, intuitive, thinking, processing... basically it means I live in my head and I overanalyze everything... there isn't too much that I do by accident... I played a lot of chess growing up and we were taught to always be several steps ahead... I can see what I'm doing and where I should be going but it doesn't leave much room for feeling emotions... it's an effort on my part to allow myself to be present enough in a situation to truly feel it and this is not one situation that I want to feel... I can refer back to all of my psychology books from school and can self-diagnose... I'm hyper-aware to others behavior as well as my own and can assess what the next proper move should be... I also believe in fair play and proper etiquette but will have no problem doing what is necessary to handle the affairs for my children... things will get a bit ugly but I know that I will manage just fine and will make it...