I can't seem to shake the fog that I have been wandering around in... my whole weekend was fairly laid back because there weren't too many places I had to be and I was under the haze of cough medicine... I was supposed to go to the rodeo Sunday with friends but I was coughing my lungs up so I let Hannah go and Jack and I stayed home... it did some good to catch up on sleep as most nights are interrupted by coughing fits... today seems to be better... I think I got most of the yuck out of my lungs...
Thoughts go back and forth about how severe of a depression I will be going through... I know enough about the topic from both school and having been through it three times to recognize the symptoms... it's interesting to watch the expressions on others faces... some read the blog and are aware of what I'm going through... others don't know and don't seem to realize that there's something behind the smile... it's been hard talking to others in person about what I'm dealing with because it feels like I'd be burdening them... I know many have told me that they're always here for me to talk to but it's really hard to open up like that... the only person I can do that with is my minister and that's because that's her job... she's quickly becoming a friend but she's outside of the situation and it's the same as if I were blogging... it's anonymous enough that I can just let it all out... and how many of us hide the fact that we're depressed? How many of us are on anti-depressants or other medication just to make it through the day and don't acknowledge it's part of our lives? It's as if it were shameful and it is something to hide but it is something that we should all be able to just let out there without fear of the repercussions... how far must we retreat into our shells and keep on the happy face to the outside world? I smile and can get through a day because I have no choice... I can't spend every day in bed because the kids depend on me to take care of them... I do feel good at times but it is very easy for me to isolate myself because I work from home and have stepped back from most of my obligations until after the holidays... I may have gotten my tree up already but there are so many things that I can't seem to bring myself to do and others that I can't keep on my radar longer than a few minutes, only to be forgotten the moment one of the kids interrupts my thought process... and so you can imagine how much I'm not getting done... even now Jack is trying to talk to me as I type instead of doing what he's supposed to be doing... I found a checklist of sorts on GriefWorks website that's titled How Do I Know I Have Grieved... it's nice having a list like that to help me see how much more work I need to do... there are some things on there like identifying and grieving for secondary losses... that's a step I've already taken... but others like Are you no longer forgetful? and Has your concentration improved? are some that I have yet to be able to say yes to... part of me would like to fast forward life to six or eight months from now when I think life will be better but I know that I have to experience every facet of my emotions so I can cauterize these wounds... funny how pulling a list off of the internet is comforting... though I know not to believe everything that I read, there is a bit of solace in having a mini-guide book to walk me through what else to expect... once I can answer yes to all 22 questions then I know that I'm better... life will never go back to the way it was before, and there are a lot of reasons that I'm thankful for that... part of me wonders how much lighter this depression would be if I weren't having to legally haggle with the girlfriend... if only she could have acted like a reasonable human being instead of how she has been... it's too much to expect of others to behave appropriately when their track record is sleeping with your husband and acting like a controlling psycho... it's like expecting a chicken to oink like a pig... I guess I should expect her to act no better than she's been and just let the courts deal with her... so that's where I'm at... aware of the depression that's wrapping around me like a warm blanket and trying to let go of the past... there's nothing more that I can do that could change the outcome... it is what it is... so I will make an attempt to finally go to the gym and get on with my life...
Thoughts go back and forth about how severe of a depression I will be going through... I know enough about the topic from both school and having been through it three times to recognize the symptoms... it's interesting to watch the expressions on others faces... some read the blog and are aware of what I'm going through... others don't know and don't seem to realize that there's something behind the smile... it's been hard talking to others in person about what I'm dealing with because it feels like I'd be burdening them... I know many have told me that they're always here for me to talk to but it's really hard to open up like that... the only person I can do that with is my minister and that's because that's her job... she's quickly becoming a friend but she's outside of the situation and it's the same as if I were blogging... it's anonymous enough that I can just let it all out... and how many of us hide the fact that we're depressed? How many of us are on anti-depressants or other medication just to make it through the day and don't acknowledge it's part of our lives? It's as if it were shameful and it is something to hide but it is something that we should all be able to just let out there without fear of the repercussions... how far must we retreat into our shells and keep on the happy face to the outside world? I smile and can get through a day because I have no choice... I can't spend every day in bed because the kids depend on me to take care of them... I do feel good at times but it is very easy for me to isolate myself because I work from home and have stepped back from most of my obligations until after the holidays... I may have gotten my tree up already but there are so many things that I can't seem to bring myself to do and others that I can't keep on my radar longer than a few minutes, only to be forgotten the moment one of the kids interrupts my thought process... and so you can imagine how much I'm not getting done... even now Jack is trying to talk to me as I type instead of doing what he's supposed to be doing... I found a checklist of sorts on GriefWorks website that's titled How Do I Know I Have Grieved... it's nice having a list like that to help me see how much more work I need to do... there are some things on there like identifying and grieving for secondary losses... that's a step I've already taken... but others like Are you no longer forgetful? and Has your concentration improved? are some that I have yet to be able to say yes to... part of me would like to fast forward life to six or eight months from now when I think life will be better but I know that I have to experience every facet of my emotions so I can cauterize these wounds... funny how pulling a list off of the internet is comforting... though I know not to believe everything that I read, there is a bit of solace in having a mini-guide book to walk me through what else to expect... once I can answer yes to all 22 questions then I know that I'm better... life will never go back to the way it was before, and there are a lot of reasons that I'm thankful for that... part of me wonders how much lighter this depression would be if I weren't having to legally haggle with the girlfriend... if only she could have acted like a reasonable human being instead of how she has been... it's too much to expect of others to behave appropriately when their track record is sleeping with your husband and acting like a controlling psycho... it's like expecting a chicken to oink like a pig... I guess I should expect her to act no better than she's been and just let the courts deal with her... so that's where I'm at... aware of the depression that's wrapping around me like a warm blanket and trying to let go of the past... there's nothing more that I can do that could change the outcome... it is what it is... so I will make an attempt to finally go to the gym and get on with my life...
posted by Sarah at 8:11 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home