Life seems to be coming full circle... I have just spoken to one of the ghosts from my past... someone who apparently has pictures of me sleeping with Murphy the cat, now deceased... the good part of all of the tragedy that I have endured is I have heard from more people from my past and have been reconnecting with a lot of people who I just thought the world of... my sweet friend was unsure if I was the same Sarah from all those years ago but after looking at my profile he could tell that it was indeed me and we've just spent an hour on the phone... amazing how much can change over a decade or so and that we can talk like we just saw each other yesterday... I am truly grateful for all of my friends... I know I should lean on them more but it's hard... I'm not sure why I hold back... I'm just afraid that if I hug them too long I will crumble into a sobbing mess... I've been crying more lately out of the blue... it never lasts too long... a song will come on... I'll find a note that he wrote... see a picture stuck in a book... and I'll sit there and cry... it's coming up on 6 weeks and I am tempted to call his cell phone to see what'll happen... I take it back... I just called his cell phone and it goes straight to his voice mail... it's the first time that I've heard his voice since he killed himself and here come the tears... my heart aches... I just don't understand how he could have been so hopeless that killing himself was the only way to make things better... I just don't understand... no matter how bleak life gets I know that tomorrow is an opportunity to have a better day... my heart is racing like it did that night... my anxiety level has shot through the roof and I wish I could do something... anything... to take it all back and bring him home... to look at him one more time... did you all know that I had my friends take pictures during the private viewing and funeral? The funeral was closed casket but we got to see him and touch him during the viewing... my friend won't show me the photos yet... she's going to put them in an album for me for later... maybe five or ten years from now when I can look at them and not have all of the agony come flooding back... they always say that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle but why this? Why did He think that I could handle hearing Chris shoot himself in the heart and then have to tell our babies? In most ways we're better off but that still doesn't make it any easier... if I have too much quiet time I can hear bits and pieces of our last conversation... the other night I saw an accident outside of my kitchen window when a car hit one of the stop signs at the intersection behind our house... there weren't any sirens, only police lights flashing... much like that night that I turned onto his street and it was lined all the way up to his house with flashing lights... and it comes rushing back... the flashes through his office window as they took the crime scene photos... of them wheeling his body out of the house... it all comes back... haven't I cried enough for this man? Haven't I done all that I can for him? The only thing left to do is to bring his remains home so he can be with his kids where he belongs but I have to go through the courts to do that... I don't know what else I am supposed to do... maybe that's why I want to sleep every free moment I have... that way I don't have to feel this pain... this exquisite excruciating pain...