I did something last night that I would never ever do in any other circumstance... I took a pill that I was unsure of exactly what it was but I did know it was an anti-anxiety pill that Chris had brought home one day almost four years ago... I am Scottish in so many ways in that I don't like to see things go to waste so I'll hang on to them until a need arises... well, as most of you know, I haven't been sleeping well and thought this might be a good way to knock myself out... I should also say that I generally don't take any medications unless I'm on the verge of dying (much like I felt when I was laid out for five days with the flu)... my only exceptions are my allergy medications because I live in Texas where there is always something in bloom and I try to take those only when it gets really bad... so here I sat, scouring the internet trying to figure out exactly what is was that I was about to enter into my system and there were only a couple of pills that looked similar and all I knew is that this was an anti-anxiety pill and hey, it's Friday night and I don't have to be anywhere Saturday until much later... so I downed it with a bottle of water and I grabbed my one of those ice cream cones that are topped with chocolate and peanuts... I had stopped eating ice cream a while back because I have a bridesmaid dress that I need to look good in but my sweet Mother keeps buying us ice cream and I gave in to the temptation... I never did figure out exactly what it was but I woke up this morning with my ice cream treat melted all over my shirt and bed... apparently it knocked me out within in a matter of minutes... so now I'm sitting here eating another one of those ice cream cones while I wait for my stuff to finish washing... I truly feel stoned... it has allowed me to enjoy the flavor and texture of the ice cream, the chocolate coating, the crunch of the peanuts, and my favorite part of all... the bottom of the cone filled with chocolate... apparently this stuff is still in my system because I have to keep going back and editing my words as my typing skills are not as quick as they usually are... I'm hoping this wears off soon because I have to go buy some fish and other fixings since I am having friends over for dinner tonight... this was planned a couple of weeks back and I figured I needed to keep this date since I need my life to feel normal... all of these friends that are coming tonight have been amazing and all came to the viewing and one actually came and was witness to the bizarre funeral... these are people who knew me a decade ago and were there when we all met Chris back in 1997... back when it fell upon my shoulders to be the one to tell him he was being too loud and to keep it peaceful enough for others to enjoy their dinners... I am glad there was only one of those pills in my medicine box because I think it could be easy for me to become dependent on something to make all of the world fade into the background... it's why I haven't been drinking my usual glass of wine to help unwind... I did partake a couple of times but I could see that if I continue down that path it would take me away from where I need and want to be... so this is the end of me using anything to help deaden the pain... most of my financial ducks are in a row and now just have to get through the Social Security bureaucracy so I'll be dealing with the emotional stuff as it starts to bubble up... for now I'm going to run a hot bath, dump in my bath salts and essential oils and crank up Neil Diamond... maybe I'll toss a little Leonard in there too but I'm going to go soak for a while as I wait for my clothes and sheets to go through the wash...