For those of you who have been reading along for the last couple of days you'll notice a slight change in the font size... apparently my sister is getting too old and was having a hard time reading the smaller font, so here it is... a tad larger than before though it did occur to me to make it obnoxiously large but she's not that old... not yet anyway... I've just spent an enjoyable evening with a good friend who also brought with her a delightful chocolate cheesecake covered in berries... yummy, yummy, yummy... I have most of it sitting in the fridge though I doubt it will last much beyond tomorrow...
I feel as though I should be holding a press conference and taking questions from the audience... most are interested in what happened and what our last conversation entailed... I will say that it was a loving and caring conversation, much as one would berate a little brother for being stupid, and allowing both of us to feel that we're in a place where we could truly talk to each other about anything... and we did... I'm not sure how many people would call up their ex to talk about relationship issues but we were at a point where we could do that... he did not call me to be angry with me... he did not leave me with any shame nor guilt... I honestly believe in my marriage vows that you stick by your partner 'til death do us part... we may have been divorced but he would still turn to me when he was in a corner... he knew I was a soft place to fall when faced with hardship... and he knew that I would always make time for him if he ever needed me... my uncle was concerned that maybe he had called me to poison my well as Chris would try to do when he was having problems in other areas... I think he knew when he called that this would be it... he was kind, or as kind as he could be in his state of mind, and he admitted that he still loved me... it's comforting to know that after all of the pain of the divorce that he still had good feelings for me though we both knew we weren't right for each other... our final conversation was as much heartfelt as it was heartbreaking... I'm still not sure how I feel about hearing him do the deed but it did take a moment to register what it was that I heard... I have said this so many times and it sounds so odd every time I repeat it... it sounded like when you bump into the corner of your desk and you say "Ow"... it wasn't very loud and all I could hear was a bit of movement as he slumped over... according to the detective who was assigned the case he used an AR-15 hunting rifle and there was no exit wound... there was no cleanup to be done aside from removing him from the house... I guess it was a mortician's dream because there was no reconstruction to be done and he was presentable enough to have an open casket... I did have a couple of friends take pictures during the viewing and funeral though it will be a number of years before I am ready to look... it sounds morbid to have a photo record of that but I think the kids will be appreciative of it 10 years from now... that's part of the project that Jenne's working on for me but she knows there's no hurry for that one... Why did it happen? Well, in my opinion, he has found the love of his life and did like all children do and pushed so he could see where his boundaries were... apparently he crossed a boundary by being with other women and she wouldn't tolerate it... from what he told me she was done, it was over, and he would have to leave... this really did strike fear in him because they had been fighting (and drinking) a couple days before and she called the cops on him and he was arrested... so he had good reason to fear that she may do it again and that they could show up at any time and force him out of there... Chris never did like authority and if the police had shown up this story would have made national news... he had gotten extremely paranoid after being off of his medication for a couple of months and was drinking on top of it all... never ever a good combination... his girlfriend has been very upset that I would tell anyone any of this because it does sound extremely bad and contributes to her sense of guilt... I would never wish ill upon most normal people but she is not normal... she is forcing me through the legal system to recover anything for the kids and for that I will do whatever is necessary... there's a very nasty streak that runs in my family that lays dormant until it is absolutely needed and I'm afraid that this is the time to wake the dragon... anyhoo, it happened because he couldn't stand the prospect of starting over again... he had made this woman his universe and without her it wasn't worth living... she treated him so poorly in the end and my hardest memory of his last hours was listening to him beg her (on his other phone while I was still listening and could hear his end of the conversation) "Where will I go?" over and over... this man did not cry for much as far as I could recall and he cried to her and she didn't care... I can't say that any woman in her shoes would or should act any different but there are special circumstances that you have to consider... you have a bipolar male who has been off of his meds for the last couple of months, he's been drinking, you keep several loaded weapons in the house, you've cut him off from all of his friends and family to keep you happy and him under your thumb, and now you've told him he's got to leave and since you've already had him arrested once this week he's probably going to be fearful that you might do it again... hmmm... not all that surprising when you look at it that way... and so you can see why she's none too pleased with me telling my side... to hear her tell people that "Yeah, he did it while he was talking to Sarah" almost makes it sound as though I pushed him over the edge... as callous as it may be, I needed him alive and making money so we can stay in our house... I needed him to be a good father to our kids and teach Jack how to pee standing up... I needed him in a way that only parents can understand when we support each other... I also selfishly needed him to take the kids so I could get a break from them and attempt to have a life outside of being a mother... I love my kids dearly but I had lost myself being married to him and have spent the last year and a half finding me again... there were so many reasons I was grateful that he was around though there would always be worries... but he was like a rose in that aspect... there are the beautiful parts of him that we loved and needed and then there were the thorns that were just a part of dealing with him... as for the rest of our conversation, I know there was much that we covered but I can only remember bits and pieces... parts of it come back to me when other things are discussed... like did he leave a note? Yes, he did... did I get to see it? No, but I didn't have to because I helped him write it... it was meant to be an apology letter to his girlfriend because you can argue about what you thought he said but you can never argue with what's in black and white... I also know he had to type it up because he couldn't read his own handwriting and I helped him remember what we had said as he wrote it up and printed it out... Did it cross my mind that he would do this? Yes and no... I could hear him playing with the magazine clips and bullets and him loading and unloading it... he's stood on the precipice before but has never jumped... I thought this was just another moment of total lunacy and that if I could talk to him long enough he'd get tired and go to bed... Why didn't I call the police sooner if I thought he might do something? Mostly because he hated the police and he would have shot anyone that came to the house... probably even me... Do I think he would have done this if the kids or his girlfriend were there? Absolutely not... his pain was always manageable as long as there was someone else there and he would never do anything to traumatize the kids... he had been permanently scarred by the factors of his childhood and could not carry that burden and he did not want to leave any burden like that for his own kids... they do not know how or why he did this awful thing and I will not tell them anytime in the next decade... children who are aware of these events often try to repeat them themselves later in life and this is not a legacy that they should have to know about... How are the kids doing? As well as can be expected... they have been playing at all of their friends' houses and haven't spoken of it much today... I don't want them to forget their father but it is nice to go a whole day without them discussing it... How am I doing? Same as the kids... it's been a nice day but I do talk about it every time someone asks and I know people will be asking daily... today was a bit off also because it took a loooong time for that pill to wear off and I felt out of it until almost 3 p.m. I forced some caffeine into my system or else I would have fallen asleep and my dinner guests would have found me in nothing but my bathrobe... not bad if that's how you intend to be found but not when you're supposed to be having company over for dinner... that should cover most all of the questions that everyone has been asking... oh yeah, there is one more... What do you need/what can we do? I honestly don't know what I need right now but if anyone has a winning lottery ticket that would be nice... the hugs and all of the meals that I know will be coming are great and all of the offers for the kids to go play at someone's house so I can get some rest is great... there are a couple of things that I could truly use but there's only one person that can provide those things and unfortunately our schedules aren't in sync for the moment... everything else is taken care of (Thanks Denise and Amy!)...
Right now the hour's getting late and if I pause too long I will drift off... I have to get myself upstairs to bed before that cheesecake starts calling my name... it really is that good...
I feel as though I should be holding a press conference and taking questions from the audience... most are interested in what happened and what our last conversation entailed... I will say that it was a loving and caring conversation, much as one would berate a little brother for being stupid, and allowing both of us to feel that we're in a place where we could truly talk to each other about anything... and we did... I'm not sure how many people would call up their ex to talk about relationship issues but we were at a point where we could do that... he did not call me to be angry with me... he did not leave me with any shame nor guilt... I honestly believe in my marriage vows that you stick by your partner 'til death do us part... we may have been divorced but he would still turn to me when he was in a corner... he knew I was a soft place to fall when faced with hardship... and he knew that I would always make time for him if he ever needed me... my uncle was concerned that maybe he had called me to poison my well as Chris would try to do when he was having problems in other areas... I think he knew when he called that this would be it... he was kind, or as kind as he could be in his state of mind, and he admitted that he still loved me... it's comforting to know that after all of the pain of the divorce that he still had good feelings for me though we both knew we weren't right for each other... our final conversation was as much heartfelt as it was heartbreaking... I'm still not sure how I feel about hearing him do the deed but it did take a moment to register what it was that I heard... I have said this so many times and it sounds so odd every time I repeat it... it sounded like when you bump into the corner of your desk and you say "Ow"... it wasn't very loud and all I could hear was a bit of movement as he slumped over... according to the detective who was assigned the case he used an AR-15 hunting rifle and there was no exit wound... there was no cleanup to be done aside from removing him from the house... I guess it was a mortician's dream because there was no reconstruction to be done and he was presentable enough to have an open casket... I did have a couple of friends take pictures during the viewing and funeral though it will be a number of years before I am ready to look... it sounds morbid to have a photo record of that but I think the kids will be appreciative of it 10 years from now... that's part of the project that Jenne's working on for me but she knows there's no hurry for that one... Why did it happen? Well, in my opinion, he has found the love of his life and did like all children do and pushed so he could see where his boundaries were... apparently he crossed a boundary by being with other women and she wouldn't tolerate it... from what he told me she was done, it was over, and he would have to leave... this really did strike fear in him because they had been fighting (and drinking) a couple days before and she called the cops on him and he was arrested... so he had good reason to fear that she may do it again and that they could show up at any time and force him out of there... Chris never did like authority and if the police had shown up this story would have made national news... he had gotten extremely paranoid after being off of his medication for a couple of months and was drinking on top of it all... never ever a good combination... his girlfriend has been very upset that I would tell anyone any of this because it does sound extremely bad and contributes to her sense of guilt... I would never wish ill upon most normal people but she is not normal... she is forcing me through the legal system to recover anything for the kids and for that I will do whatever is necessary... there's a very nasty streak that runs in my family that lays dormant until it is absolutely needed and I'm afraid that this is the time to wake the dragon... anyhoo, it happened because he couldn't stand the prospect of starting over again... he had made this woman his universe and without her it wasn't worth living... she treated him so poorly in the end and my hardest memory of his last hours was listening to him beg her (on his other phone while I was still listening and could hear his end of the conversation) "Where will I go?" over and over... this man did not cry for much as far as I could recall and he cried to her and she didn't care... I can't say that any woman in her shoes would or should act any different but there are special circumstances that you have to consider... you have a bipolar male who has been off of his meds for the last couple of months, he's been drinking, you keep several loaded weapons in the house, you've cut him off from all of his friends and family to keep you happy and him under your thumb, and now you've told him he's got to leave and since you've already had him arrested once this week he's probably going to be fearful that you might do it again... hmmm... not all that surprising when you look at it that way... and so you can see why she's none too pleased with me telling my side... to hear her tell people that "Yeah, he did it while he was talking to Sarah" almost makes it sound as though I pushed him over the edge... as callous as it may be, I needed him alive and making money so we can stay in our house... I needed him to be a good father to our kids and teach Jack how to pee standing up... I needed him in a way that only parents can understand when we support each other... I also selfishly needed him to take the kids so I could get a break from them and attempt to have a life outside of being a mother... I love my kids dearly but I had lost myself being married to him and have spent the last year and a half finding me again... there were so many reasons I was grateful that he was around though there would always be worries... but he was like a rose in that aspect... there are the beautiful parts of him that we loved and needed and then there were the thorns that were just a part of dealing with him... as for the rest of our conversation, I know there was much that we covered but I can only remember bits and pieces... parts of it come back to me when other things are discussed... like did he leave a note? Yes, he did... did I get to see it? No, but I didn't have to because I helped him write it... it was meant to be an apology letter to his girlfriend because you can argue about what you thought he said but you can never argue with what's in black and white... I also know he had to type it up because he couldn't read his own handwriting and I helped him remember what we had said as he wrote it up and printed it out... Did it cross my mind that he would do this? Yes and no... I could hear him playing with the magazine clips and bullets and him loading and unloading it... he's stood on the precipice before but has never jumped... I thought this was just another moment of total lunacy and that if I could talk to him long enough he'd get tired and go to bed... Why didn't I call the police sooner if I thought he might do something? Mostly because he hated the police and he would have shot anyone that came to the house... probably even me... Do I think he would have done this if the kids or his girlfriend were there? Absolutely not... his pain was always manageable as long as there was someone else there and he would never do anything to traumatize the kids... he had been permanently scarred by the factors of his childhood and could not carry that burden and he did not want to leave any burden like that for his own kids... they do not know how or why he did this awful thing and I will not tell them anytime in the next decade... children who are aware of these events often try to repeat them themselves later in life and this is not a legacy that they should have to know about... How are the kids doing? As well as can be expected... they have been playing at all of their friends' houses and haven't spoken of it much today... I don't want them to forget their father but it is nice to go a whole day without them discussing it... How am I doing? Same as the kids... it's been a nice day but I do talk about it every time someone asks and I know people will be asking daily... today was a bit off also because it took a loooong time for that pill to wear off and I felt out of it until almost 3 p.m. I forced some caffeine into my system or else I would have fallen asleep and my dinner guests would have found me in nothing but my bathrobe... not bad if that's how you intend to be found but not when you're supposed to be having company over for dinner... that should cover most all of the questions that everyone has been asking... oh yeah, there is one more... What do you need/what can we do? I honestly don't know what I need right now but if anyone has a winning lottery ticket that would be nice... the hugs and all of the meals that I know will be coming are great and all of the offers for the kids to go play at someone's house so I can get some rest is great... there are a couple of things that I could truly use but there's only one person that can provide those things and unfortunately our schedules aren't in sync for the moment... everything else is taken care of (Thanks Denise and Amy!)...
Right now the hour's getting late and if I pause too long I will drift off... I have to get myself upstairs to bed before that cheesecake starts calling my name... it really is that good...
posted by Sarah at 10:58 PM
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