Hannah went into a screaming, whining, crying jag yesterday because she was tired and she lost her chance to go to the football game... it worked out for the best because I put the kids down early and took my pills... I laid in bed for a while as my show ended and another began... sitting and waiting for them to kick in... I had a weird rush of energy and prayed that the pills wouldn't have the opposite effect of their intent... with the way things have been going it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I was still up... I had no desire to watch the 10 o'clock news but I barely remember anything after the news came on until Stella started in on her morning routine... I woke up with the panic that I had overslept my alarm but the clock read 6:28 a.m. and I realized I had managed to get my first 8 hours of sleep... I probably could have slept until noon if I had the luxury but it's Friday and we need to get up and ready for work and school... I am unfortunately working both Saturday and Sunday, but only in the mornings so you can safely bet that I'll be taking a nap as soon as I get the chance... my parents will be here at some point today and my father's bringing some melatonin for me so I can get back to a natural sleeping rhythm... I really don't like taking medication for anything so I'll be happy to see if that'll do it for me...
I have also been reading on the stages of grief and came across an article on how the 5 stages of grief are not necessarily accurate... that people don't always go through each stage in order, can skip steps or experience multiple stages at once... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance... the article went on to say that the real work of bereavement happens after these stages happen... I can tell you that I went through all 5 stages in the moments leading up to Chris shooting himself and through the time that I called 911... it all happened within the span of two minutes... for me it was more like bargaining with him to not do it, denial of the sound that I heard as he did it, anger when I realized he actually pulled the trigger, acceptance of what happened as I called 911, and depression as I sat there crying while I waited for the police to arrive at his house... the article goes on to say that grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This makes more sense to me than knowing what has been accepted as the traditional stages... it's not that I don't know how to move forward... it's just that I've been stuck on accepting the loss and am not ready to experience the pain... I started crying again yesterday as more people have called, dropped by, or emailed their kind thoughts and I know that it's going to take time... it's only been two weeks and yet it feels like it's been a lifetime... then again it seems like yesterday that I talked to him... I haven't gotten around to taking his number out of my cell phone and am not sure if I ever will...
I have also been reading on the stages of grief and came across an article on how the 5 stages of grief are not necessarily accurate... that people don't always go through each stage in order, can skip steps or experience multiple stages at once... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance... the article went on to say that the real work of bereavement happens after these stages happen... I can tell you that I went through all 5 stages in the moments leading up to Chris shooting himself and through the time that I called 911... it all happened within the span of two minutes... for me it was more like bargaining with him to not do it, denial of the sound that I heard as he did it, anger when I realized he actually pulled the trigger, acceptance of what happened as I called 911, and depression as I sat there crying while I waited for the police to arrive at his house... the article goes on to say that grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This makes more sense to me than knowing what has been accepted as the traditional stages... it's not that I don't know how to move forward... it's just that I've been stuck on accepting the loss and am not ready to experience the pain... I started crying again yesterday as more people have called, dropped by, or emailed their kind thoughts and I know that it's going to take time... it's only been two weeks and yet it feels like it's been a lifetime... then again it seems like yesterday that I talked to him... I haven't gotten around to taking his number out of my cell phone and am not sure if I ever will...
posted by Sarah at 7:37 AM
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