Let's have a return to the 50s mindset... a wonderful era where we repressed anything unpleasant and just baked perfect chocolate cakes and wore fancy aprons that coordinated with each outfit... oh wouldn't that be swell?!? I think that I could manage if no one ever mentioned Chris again... I know that everyone wants to hear about what happened and how we are all getting on but the days are better when we don't talk about it... it seems so wrong to say that but I just ran into a friend at the flu shot clinic and she was sweet as she normally is and she did not ask once about how we're doing... I know that sounds odd to say but it felt good to act like it's just another day... the reason I say that is I've gone two days without crying and I like that... I did get frustrated a bit when Chris' sister called this morning to check on us... I haven't spoken to her since the night of the funeral... she's the only sibling Chris had that I used to talk to even after the divorce... she means well though you can tell she's still not dealing with his loss and would rather allow time for feelings to heal before we delve into the matter of Chris' estate... and I use the term "estate" loosely... for everyone else it is easier to let things be and try to move forward without him but for me he was also part of our financial lives... an ugly side of divorce is child support and I am in a position that I don't have the luxury to crawl into a hole and cry until I'm ready to emerge and deal with the world... my world has to move forward because I have two little people who look to me to know how to act... could you imagine how much worse they would be if I was a crying babbling mess that wouldn't get out of bed? I have enough foresight to know that they will follow my lead and if I talk about this in a positive manner, it will allow them to only feel the grief, not the anger... not the frustration... it was already tough listening to Hannah say that she's the baddest girl in the whole world and everyone hates her when she's cranky and getting timed out before she lost her Daddy... to add to her pain would be cruel... and trying to explain that to his sister just increases my awareness that none of them, not a single member of his family, will put our kids before their own grief... it's not their job... they are not the ones charged with raising emotionally healthy and independent people who will make a positive impact on society... I don't think a single member of his family is aware of how much I loved this man right up to the very end and how hearing him end his life has impacted me... not their concern... their own grief consumes them... if only they had half of the empathy that my friends have had and supported us even in the slightest way... so we could return to the 50s mindset and not talk about anything uncomfortable... not talk about money... not talk about any little thing that could possibly make our circumstances any better so that I can begin to heal... so that I can finally feel like today is just another ordinary day and when a friend asks "How are you doing?" it's because it's habit and I can say "We're fine" without having them worry that I'm hibernating in my house... I know that day is coming... I'll just have to be patient...