The kids are in bed and here I sit... sitting and writing... writing and wondering will I be able to sleep tonight... won't know until I try... won't know until the morning... I did something shocking today to help with my sleeping situation... well not shocking for you but definitely not something I would generally ever do since I'd given up my vices... are you ready? I had a Coke... not one, but two... I had given up soda quite some time ago and only keep those cute little midget ones around for when I'm hostessing a meeting or otherwise entertaining guests... I don't drink caffeine unless I plan on being in the car driving to Denver in one straight shot... I know, I know... I used to be a Starbuck's junkie and would get a bit skiddish if I didn't have my morning fix... or my mid-morning fix... or my brunch fix... and so on and so forth until it was 2 a.m... but I have had to give up my coffee and all other forms of strong caffeine (I mention the word strong because there's not enough caffeine in the amounts of tea or chocolate I consume to give me a buzz) because I had some serious withdrawals if I went too long without... so here I am sitting with a 24 pack of Cokes that my mother had bought in case anyone stopped by after the funeral service and most of them are still in the box... taunting and teasing... not very nice to do to a girl who is moments away from total lunacy... sleep deprivation is not pretty... and it is most definitely not pretty on me... no ma'am... not one bit... I had the Cokes in an effort to not fall asleep this afternoon so I will be exhausted enough to drift right off to sleep tonight... I do feel tired... I am looking around at the dishes in the sink and think I might possibly get out of my comfy computer chair and deal with them... maybe... there are so many productive things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here typing away like a mad woman but I think if I get this off of my heart then maybe I won't turn into Ms. Havisham... at least there are no wedding cakes here... though not a bad costume thought for Halloween... (side note: Hannah will be Cinderella and Jack will be the Cat in the Hat... I will show my true colors and be myself, a witch!) It truly sucks that I can't go to sleep and turn off the thoughts of my mind... there were so many things I already had in there before all of this happened... now it seems like an endless repeat of bad television... the ones where you yell at the screen, "Hey! What can go wrong with the illuminating power of a candle on your side? Let's go check in the basement and find out what's making that creepy noise!"... it still seems so surreal... my parents called tonight to check on us... they've been kind and have given us a little space but I have to acknowledge that they're going through much of the same disbelief that we're all in since he died... Chris was the son my Dad never had and always wanted... someone to pal around with, go to the movies with, and do stupid guy things with... the two most asinine things they had done, though they had a good time doing, were going skydiving together and paintballing... two total guy things that I doubt you could get me to do... well, I might consider paintballing but I remember Chris came home with a giant black and blue knot on his forehead where somebody shot him... I'm not into pain even in the slightest form so it would take a lot to get me to do that... but they basically lost a son... it's hard losing anyone after they've been in your lives for that many years... and I know that Chris' family is still in a lot of pain and that this wound will be raw for a long long time... all of these thoughts run through my mind... and somewhere in there I still try to have compassion and find forgiveness... I really want to be angry and know that I shouldn't... those are the moments when I wish I were a lawyer... to make it cut and dry and not consider the damage that I may inflict on his girlfriend when I take her to court... I'm still holding out, against my favorite attorney's advice, to see what she's willing to do but I can't wait much longer... I know I will win any court decision but at what price? If I have her prosecuted it would ruin what's left of her life... and that is a path that I'd rather not take... ideally she'd give me what I ask for and I'd let her keep everything else... I'm not asking for much... out of their house I want all of the kids' stuff and all of his dress shirts... if she gives me the shirts I'll be making blankets for each of the kids so they can hold him close... aside from that, any monies that are in his accounts are rightfully the children's and will be used for their benefit... for their education funds as well as their orthodontists bills... or anything else that they will need... I feel as though she thinks I'm going to buy a new fancy car or take a fabulous vacation or get boobs... not that I need them but whatever goes through the mind of crazy girlfriends about the ex-wives... she doesn't get it just like his family doesn't get it... and now I've been sitting here typing for 45 minutes and I'm still going... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh... and yes, the dishes are still in the sink... so now I will get off of my duff and do the dishes and bring in my garbage can from the curb and call it a night... hopefully... don't be surprised if I'm back on here in another hour or two...