I sit here and ponder my next strategic move... after talking to my favorite attorney, I have a much better idea of what needs to be done and there is no room for being nice... that's not to say there isn't room for mercy but it makes it abundantly clear that there is no room for being sweet...
For those of you who took the pop quiz, your answers will be scored and those who pass will get a gold star! Bonus points if you know who/what BOB is...
You hear people talk about teaching points in their lives... moments that changed the essence of their Being and I know that my life has forever been altered... a friend pointed out that I was traumatized by having to hear him kill himself and I have yet to deal with that... I keep telling people that if you look at it as he honored me by sharing his last hours with me... that he trusted me enough to come to me after all that we have been through... to take it like that, instead of allowing myself to feel negatively about it, makes an incredible difference in how we recover our lives... personal perspective is reality... not many people acknowledge that... if someone is crazy and they think they're the King of Siam, then by God, they are the King of Siam... just because my reality doesn't coincide with yours doesn't lessen the truth of my reality... I have also been giving much thought to what I should do with all of this newfound knowledge that I have... this all will eventually manifest itself into a book... can't guarantee it will ever get published and find it's way to a library shelf but I will do something with all of this...
I just also spent a couple of hours in a training session tonight with a woman who deals with child abuse, how to recognize signs, and how we can help... it is staggering to hear that only 1 in 10 children will ever acknowledge abuse when it's happening... listening to how little boys react, how it shapes them as they mature, and how they may cope when they're older made me feel as if this woman had met Chris... the people who have been so disrespectful to me in the wake of his death have all been people who I feel contributed to Chris taking his own life... he was molested as a child and his parents failed to prosecute Elmer because it was the un-Christian thing to do... for two years he endured this molestation and when he finally went to the people that are supposed to be his protectors, they failed him... this rejection can only crush what little self-worth we have as children... thus setting it up in his mind that this was just a part of life... that it was all right when his youth pastor did the same thing to him as he got a bit older... that it was fine for a cousin to do it to him in his teenage years where he was struggling to prove his masculinity by sleeping with every girl in sight but also submitting to what was a part of his life... a part that made him feel little self-worth and caused him to live as large as he possibly could... for him to disconnect with what's happening around him because he had been so traumatized that he could not live in the moment... he didn't know how to connect because when he had been able to be present he was violated... that was a huge problem in our marriage, that he couldn't feel the love, joy, sorrow, shame that any normal person could feel... he could only feel anger because little boys are not allowed to feel sorrow or cry, they have to be tough and act like little men, not like little sissy boys... and so I sat there listening to Chris' life unfold before me from a total stranger, making a few missed connections as to why he behaved as poorly as he did... I always thought the trauma of his childhood was our main problem and would voice my opinion of it but I never fully understood the developmental progression enough to help him see... my specialty was not initially childhood development... my focus was more towards state and mood disorders and it helped to an extent in how I dealt with him but he was never ready to hear that it wasn't his fault... that he did not deserve to have his innocence taken from him... that he had much value as a human, and for me, more so as a father... he was terrified of being a father in the beginning because he was afraid of what he might do... he was even more terrified when we learned that our second child was going to be a boy... it took him all of these years to finally allow himself to be somewhat vulnerable to emotions that allowed him to be a good Daddy this last year... it's what his girlfriend did not realize... Chris put himself out there for the first time in his 32 years to being loved without fear... their common thread was her being raped around the time that they met and it allowed for Chris to be a savior to her where he could not have done so for himself all those years ago... it allowed for him to take a baby step out from behind the shield that he'd been hiding behind all of these years... even in the time that he was with me, he would rarely let down that guard... he'd let me catch a glimpse of his sweet, loving self from time to time but it was too hard to be vulnerable... he thought he finally would be able to have the life that he always wanted and had been struggling to keep... it didn't have to end like it did... he didn't have to kill himself... he just couldn't see the truth... Veritas Chris... may you finally know peace...
For those of you who took the pop quiz, your answers will be scored and those who pass will get a gold star! Bonus points if you know who/what BOB is...
You hear people talk about teaching points in their lives... moments that changed the essence of their Being and I know that my life has forever been altered... a friend pointed out that I was traumatized by having to hear him kill himself and I have yet to deal with that... I keep telling people that if you look at it as he honored me by sharing his last hours with me... that he trusted me enough to come to me after all that we have been through... to take it like that, instead of allowing myself to feel negatively about it, makes an incredible difference in how we recover our lives... personal perspective is reality... not many people acknowledge that... if someone is crazy and they think they're the King of Siam, then by God, they are the King of Siam... just because my reality doesn't coincide with yours doesn't lessen the truth of my reality... I have also been giving much thought to what I should do with all of this newfound knowledge that I have... this all will eventually manifest itself into a book... can't guarantee it will ever get published and find it's way to a library shelf but I will do something with all of this...
I just also spent a couple of hours in a training session tonight with a woman who deals with child abuse, how to recognize signs, and how we can help... it is staggering to hear that only 1 in 10 children will ever acknowledge abuse when it's happening... listening to how little boys react, how it shapes them as they mature, and how they may cope when they're older made me feel as if this woman had met Chris... the people who have been so disrespectful to me in the wake of his death have all been people who I feel contributed to Chris taking his own life... he was molested as a child and his parents failed to prosecute Elmer because it was the un-Christian thing to do... for two years he endured this molestation and when he finally went to the people that are supposed to be his protectors, they failed him... this rejection can only crush what little self-worth we have as children... thus setting it up in his mind that this was just a part of life... that it was all right when his youth pastor did the same thing to him as he got a bit older... that it was fine for a cousin to do it to him in his teenage years where he was struggling to prove his masculinity by sleeping with every girl in sight but also submitting to what was a part of his life... a part that made him feel little self-worth and caused him to live as large as he possibly could... for him to disconnect with what's happening around him because he had been so traumatized that he could not live in the moment... he didn't know how to connect because when he had been able to be present he was violated... that was a huge problem in our marriage, that he couldn't feel the love, joy, sorrow, shame that any normal person could feel... he could only feel anger because little boys are not allowed to feel sorrow or cry, they have to be tough and act like little men, not like little sissy boys... and so I sat there listening to Chris' life unfold before me from a total stranger, making a few missed connections as to why he behaved as poorly as he did... I always thought the trauma of his childhood was our main problem and would voice my opinion of it but I never fully understood the developmental progression enough to help him see... my specialty was not initially childhood development... my focus was more towards state and mood disorders and it helped to an extent in how I dealt with him but he was never ready to hear that it wasn't his fault... that he did not deserve to have his innocence taken from him... that he had much value as a human, and for me, more so as a father... he was terrified of being a father in the beginning because he was afraid of what he might do... he was even more terrified when we learned that our second child was going to be a boy... it took him all of these years to finally allow himself to be somewhat vulnerable to emotions that allowed him to be a good Daddy this last year... it's what his girlfriend did not realize... Chris put himself out there for the first time in his 32 years to being loved without fear... their common thread was her being raped around the time that they met and it allowed for Chris to be a savior to her where he could not have done so for himself all those years ago... it allowed for him to take a baby step out from behind the shield that he'd been hiding behind all of these years... even in the time that he was with me, he would rarely let down that guard... he'd let me catch a glimpse of his sweet, loving self from time to time but it was too hard to be vulnerable... he thought he finally would be able to have the life that he always wanted and had been struggling to keep... it didn't have to end like it did... he didn't have to kill himself... he just couldn't see the truth... Veritas Chris... may you finally know peace...
posted by Sarah at 10:04 PM
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