Not real sure what time I fell asleep but I didn't get out of bed until 8:15... the melatonin definitely helped... as I was getting up this morning I had noticed The One Year Bible was laying on the floor... my Mom had given it to me because it had been left at her hotel for a couple of years and thought that I might want it... I felt it kind of odd that she would think of me as she has never expressed any organized religious tendencies but she brought it over a few months ago and I've occasionally thumbed through it... today I was curious as to what it said for October 5th, the day Chris died... the opening passage is:
My heart, my heart - I [Jeremiah] writhe in pain! My heart pounds within me! I cannot be still. For I have heard the blast of enemy trumpets and the roar of their battle cries. Waves of destruction roll over the land, until it lies in complete desolation. Suddenly every tent is destroyed; in a moment every shelter is crushed. How long must this go on? How long must I be surrounded by war and death? -Jeremiah 4:19-21
It goes on through verse 6:15 but it was the opening passage that caught my eye... I know that when you seek you will find what seems like purpose... there are no accidents... everyone and everything in your life happens for a reason... it may take years to find the reason behind each person and action but whether you choose to call it God's plan, karma, fate, whatever I feel that it all has a purpose... and so this passage lay in my hands, trembling as I read, as I can only think of Chris... his heart was in pain and he could not be still... he was blasted by his girlfriend as she raged at him for his betrayal... his thoughts of his broken heart rolled over any Hope that he may have had; crushing any rays of light that he had in his life... he answered the last two questions by loading his gun and releasing his pain...

I'm not sure if it will become clear what the purpose is for having Chris taken out of our lives... it's not what I would ever wish for my children because a father's love cannot be replaced... the blessing for me is he left at a time when they could not see him as I had seen him... before they became aware of the choices he would make regardless of the pain it would cause... I have selfishly chosen to shelter them from the truth that I know to leave them with only the good memories... maybe when they get old enough to accept the truth without it damaging their Spirits, maybe then I can share the knowledge with them... Chris told me in the end he didn't want the kids to end up like him... he didn't want them to know the kind of pain that he was in... he couldn't see that I would always be the kind of mother that his own could not be... I was stronger than that and the kids always came first... always will... I've been thinking about my clean slate and it's a bit daunting... it feels much like it did when our divorce became final... when I started going to church and heard Pastor Vic talk about Moses... on the verge of the unknown with only Faith to guide him through his wandering the wilderness... I hope that it does not take me 40 years of wandering to find my own paradise, my own Promise Land... I only know that each journey begins with a single step and that there is joy to be found... it will take time and if I seem lost, please help be my guiding light... be the arms that hug me, the ears that listen...