Life feels like it's on the way back to being normal... Hannah told me this morning that she's done being sad... that she sometimes forgets about Daddy when she's at school because she's having fun... it sounded like she was looking for approval to be happy... and all I could tell her was there's nothing wrong with being happy... we can feel happy, sad, silly, or however we want anytime that we want and it won't mean that we miss Daddy any less... I often wonder how much of this she really understands... I wonder if she sometimes expects him to come pick them up for the weekend and how she'll feel once we go back to their house to gathers their toys and clothes... Jack seems like his normal boy self... running and jumping everywhere we go though he's a bit more aggressive than he used to be... he doesn't talk about Daddy much except when there are new people around and then he announces that his Daddy's dead because his heart stopped... that's it... and then he goes back to running and jumping...

I've had another night of unassisted sleep and have begun the legal process... it's not much fun having to go this route but this isn't about me, it's about the kids...

My post has been sitting here waiting to be finished for some time now because I've had a series of phone calls... some business... some legal... and then Chris' sister calls... I don't know why it is but I haven't cried in a while but it doesn't take more than a few minutes on the phone with her before I get angry and start letting it out... I'm angry at the disrespect I've been shown by the entire family... I'm angry that his girlfriend is playing the grieving widow... I tell all of my frustrations to his sister and she's angry at Chris... she's angry at what a mess he's left us all in and for not turning to any of them in the end... she can only speculate that no one in the family was happy about Chris not turning to family but it makes sense to me... they weren't there to protect him growing up and he turned to the one person that had always protected him... and I've also learned that his girlfriend does have his remains so it'll be interesting to see when we'll get them... I don't want all of them but enough to keep him close so the kids will be able to be with him whenever they want... (I'm getting a garden statuary to put him in so he can be out in the garden by the rose bush he planted a few years ago)... so now my face is a bit red and puffy from the crying and I'm not sure what to make of it... I'm not angry at Chris... it was how he was... I have forgiven him... I am more hurt by the aftermath... it doesn't have to be this way... we are supposed to be kind to each other and help however we can as we all go through this tragedy... that's what all of my friends have done... that's what my family has done... they have been loving and supportive... and I told his sister how much it hurts that their family can't do the same... they all have cell phones... they can call at any time... and I know I can call them, too, but what would I say to people who have been less than kind to me at a time when I needed them most? So now I have to sort this out along with everything else...