Two nights in a row of real sleep though this morning I woke up in a panic... apparently both of my kids made their way back into my room after I fell asleep... Jack made a nest on the floor and Hannah was crashed in my leather chair... I looked at the clock as my snooze alarm was going off and saw that it was 8:42 a.m... now I have my clock set an hour ahead so I can tell the kids it's way past their bedtime and get them to bed early... so when I saw that it was 8:42 it meant that it was really 7:42 and I should have people ringing my doorbell and waiting to pick up and drop off kids... I don't like waking up like that... I threw on some clothes and Hannah had slept in one of the new outfits I bought for her last night so she was ready to walk out the door... I get downstairs and noticed it was still dark outside so I look at my computer clock and it's really 6:45... Hannah said she tried to turn off the alarm and must have changed the time... we were up on time and now I find that two of my day care kids won't be coming because their older brother is sick so I have a slow and easy day... Jack has crashed again on the couch with one of my favorite blankets, snoring and drooling... oh how I wish I could do the same!

Though I've been catching up on sleep I still feel like a space cadet... we went to the store last night so I could pick up some workout clothes, shoes, and a lock... all items I had actually written down on a list along with other odds and ends and I still forgot to pick up the lock... my old gym was pretty small and intimate and I loved it... not too much in the way of equipment but the staff and members were fun and motivating... but there was never a need for locks on our lockers... now I'm at a big gym where I can be lost in the crowd and my purse can taken if I were to be that trusting...

I'm also noticing that some of my friends are starting to relax and aren't treating me with kid gloves anymore... they have expressed their sorrow, frustration, and anger for what I've been going through... their support has been incredible and it's good to see that they realize that I need to be treated as though it were another day... our lives turned a corner the day I went to the SS office and received a blessing... the burden of not knowing our future compounded my grief and kept my mind racing... now it has calmed and I'm able to start the whole grieving process... I don't have the gift of knowing what it could have been like had Chris been around longer than he was... I don't know if he and his girlfriend would have worked things out and gotten married... I don't know if that blow could have made him step away from being the father that he had worked hard to become... I just don't know... I can't play the what ifs game... I can only see my days as they are and move forward... I can't cry about what will never be though I am sad that our reality is as it is... more so for the kids than for myself... had it not been for the kids I would have washed my hands of him long ago... but there's no changing the past and I wouldn't trade a hair on their heads for anything... we will still have our moments where it's hard because the kids keep making random comments about death and Daddy... they want to know who's going to get what when I die... they want to know when they can get their stuff from Daddy's house... some questions I can give answers for, others I can only speculate... I have also been able to speak of his death recently without showing much emotion... I was very matter-of-fact with the guy at the gym who asked where Mr. McKinzie was... I told him he had just passed away a few weeks ago and left it at that... one of those moments where you watch them pry their foot out of their mouth and hope that they can keep going... I know it's part of their job to increase their sales so I wasn't offended by the question... there will always be someone that doesn't know and I often wonder how people look at me now... I don't want it to be Poor Sarah... can you believe that her ex killed himself while he was talking to her? No, it's not how I want to be known... I know it'll take time for this to fade into the background but I also know that this is my fresh start... not the way I would have liked for it to come about but it is what it is... I still wonder when or if the tears will come... I seem to be more touched lately by the actions of my friends, who are continuing to support us in every way they can... I can cry for my children... I can cry for the love that we're shown... I am not sure if I can cry for him... I had cried for him when I realized that my dream of what our marriage should have been died... I cried for him when I realized that my dream of what I thought a husband should have been died... I cried for all of the dreams that I had for our family that died the moment he walked out... I cried for a week and then I stopped... I stopped when I realized that I wasn't crying for him, but for the loss of my dreams... the man that he had been hadn't been deserving of my tears... anyone that saw us when we were married couldn't figure out why we were married and in the end, neither could I... so I've already shed my tears for him in a way... maybe these next few weeks or months will prove me wrong and one of you may happen upon me when I've released the flood gates but in the mean time I will try to make the most of every day... I hope all of you will do the same and hug your loved one a little tighter and a little longer...