I feel I should say that I hope none of you find it necessary to tread on eggshells around me... there are certain phrases that we use everyday and they should not be declared off limits just because of what's happened... I said "I almost killed myself!" as I stepped and tripped on one of Jack's many cars the day after and caught myself feeling somewhat guilty... please don't... life goes on... I know one of my friends keeps catching herself saying things along those lines where she feels I might be offended, but I'm not... I have to keep my sense of humor... Chris was cremated and all I kept thinking is how appropriate... he liked to smoke and that was the way he should go... I also kept thinking I needed to have another wedding on my calendar because I had been in attendance of two wedding celebrations the two prior weekends and have another one that I'm in coming up in May... that way I could have my four weddings and a funeral... yeah... I know it's not all that funny but I had to find a way to laugh and smile... today when I'm done working I'll be taking the kids to the pumpkin patch that we visit every fall... we would have already gone by this time of the year so we can paint our pumpkins and put them by the front door but it's been a struggle to get out of the house for things other than groceries... now I don't even have to do that because my wonderful friends have been bringing me groceries and a hug every Thursday... Amy commented to me how good it was to see me at church last week instead of hibernating in my house and she's right... I need to get out there and not let a single day pass me by... I've had to ask myself a lot of hard questions, as well as some of people in my life, and though I may not have all of the answers that I like I know that today is another gift to make of it whatever I can... to smile and laugh because it is so necessary to my recovery... my hair is done today and I think I look more like my normal self... I can't predict when those feelings are going to creep up on me but I can't stay in bed waiting for them either... it would be a tragedy to allow this to destroy my life and not do what I was called to do... we all have gifts and talents and how many of us are doing what we love? I know of only two people in my life who love what they do... what about the rest of us? I have been given a clean slate but I also believe that we all can take each day and use it to the fullest...