Wow... slow day... hard to believe we've been moving since we got up this morning and this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down... the sleep has helped tremendously... I can think and focus which is a miracle... the sleep deprivation made everything worse and made me feel manic (hence the postings every few hours)... but now that my mind has slowed I can feel the emotions welling below the surface... seeing more friends today at church and at the house brought me to near tears but I've been able to quell them... the only time I seem to start crying is when I'm in the sanctuary... though I am among many, I can be alone in there with all of my thoughts and I can send up my prayers... I'm not sure how I look to others... those that know me can see the pain behind the smile but the rest just see another member of the congregation going about our usual worship... one aspect of my life that brings me comfort is singing... I'm not very good but it's something that has always been a part of my life... I spent years in school in girls' choir, mixed choir, and show choir singing for every season... performing in malls, Masonic lodges, and even Disney World... it was the one place that I could completely connect on every level... the music gives voice to all of my emotions and so I have found my home in the 11:30 service where we sing contemporary music... I didn't cry as much as I did last Sunday but the music allows me to transcend the moment and be passionate... it allows my Spirit to feel instead of being numb... I have been walking around in a state of shock on auto-pilot... without the love and support of all of my friends and family I don't know how I could have held up... we teach the little ones about spreading God's love through the kindness we show to others when they are hurting but never did I expect to be on this end of it... I got so many hugs from my 4 year olds today and it helps lift me up... I am trying to refocus my life and settle into a new routine so the kids can feel safe again...
Jack told me today that he didn't want me to die because Daddy was already dead... there isn't too much I can say to him other than we all die eventually but Mommy is doing everything I can to take care of my heart to stay healthy so we can play together for a long time... Hannah wanted to know when she was going to die and I told her I didn't know... we all have our time on this earth and when our time is finished our bodies die and our spirits go into the hearts of those that love us... that way we will live on in others... they haven't been too upset as far as I can tell... I can see the questions milling through their minds but they thankfully have short attention spans so we only have to talk about our mortality for a few minutes...
There are so many things that I realized I hadn't prepared for... I hadn't gotten around to drawing up my will and declaring where the kids are to go if I die before they are grown... that was not fun sitting down to think of what I want each of them to inherit and who will be responsible for taking care of them... I'm in the process of setting up their college funds and doing all of the responsible things that a parent should do... I'm 30 years old and have never considered that I may not make it to tomorrow... none of you are that lucky to get rid of me that quickly... I am persistent and will not go without a fight... I will be old and decrepit and people will wonder what is that old bat taking to keep on going? I will be there to see my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own... I just also thought that Chris would be here a little longer... drawing up our wills was a touchy subject because we had to jointly decide who would be better able to take care of the kids once both of us passed, especially once we remarried... there was no doubt that my family had more resources and less drama... now I don't have to worry about fighting with him... only his family, and they've never made much effort to be a part of our lives... so I hope that all of you will use this as a learning tool and look hard at your lives to see how prepared you are... look how you live your lives and how even just a kind word can turn a person's day around... you all have made a world of difference to us and we will forever be grateful...
Jack told me today that he didn't want me to die because Daddy was already dead... there isn't too much I can say to him other than we all die eventually but Mommy is doing everything I can to take care of my heart to stay healthy so we can play together for a long time... Hannah wanted to know when she was going to die and I told her I didn't know... we all have our time on this earth and when our time is finished our bodies die and our spirits go into the hearts of those that love us... that way we will live on in others... they haven't been too upset as far as I can tell... I can see the questions milling through their minds but they thankfully have short attention spans so we only have to talk about our mortality for a few minutes...
There are so many things that I realized I hadn't prepared for... I hadn't gotten around to drawing up my will and declaring where the kids are to go if I die before they are grown... that was not fun sitting down to think of what I want each of them to inherit and who will be responsible for taking care of them... I'm in the process of setting up their college funds and doing all of the responsible things that a parent should do... I'm 30 years old and have never considered that I may not make it to tomorrow... none of you are that lucky to get rid of me that quickly... I am persistent and will not go without a fight... I will be old and decrepit and people will wonder what is that old bat taking to keep on going? I will be there to see my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own... I just also thought that Chris would be here a little longer... drawing up our wills was a touchy subject because we had to jointly decide who would be better able to take care of the kids once both of us passed, especially once we remarried... there was no doubt that my family had more resources and less drama... now I don't have to worry about fighting with him... only his family, and they've never made much effort to be a part of our lives... so I hope that all of you will use this as a learning tool and look hard at your lives to see how prepared you are... look how you live your lives and how even just a kind word can turn a person's day around... you all have made a world of difference to us and we will forever be grateful...
posted by Sarah at 5:51 PM
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