Another restless night... I cannot sleep so I have been doing some much needed cleaning... if I oversleep at least the house will be ready for business in the morning... as I've been cleaning I've been talking to Chris... some of it in utter disbelief that he is truly gone... I was sitting at my friend's house last week and I was dumbstruck by what I saw... in my purse was sitting a twisty-tie ring... one of those that you mindlessly make when you're young... much like the one Chris made for me the first time we talked of marriage... I never got a real engagement ring from him, nor did it bother me much because when you're being swept off of your feet it matters not that the ring on your finger is two carats or a simple twisty-tie from your dry cleaning... what I couldn't get over was the fact that this ring was sitting in my purse right after we had come from our private viewing of him... it had always been a joke between us and I doubt I had made one nor told anyone of this in years... and here it still sits in my purse... spooky...

I'm also fighting the urge to write a rather scathing open letter to his girlfriend... I have had a glass of wine while I've been cleaning (mostly because I'm trying to make room in my refrigerator because of all of the food people have been bringing over and it's one less bottle to have in there) and I feel compelled to write a letter to this woman who has brought much pain into my life... she will never confess to her culpability to me but she knows she has some guilt... yet she does not know that full extent of how she was instrumental in his demise... I have never told her everything because I am aware that she is in a fragile state and what I have to tell her would push her over the edge... I am trying so hard to not be that mean but it is a struggle to turn the other cheek...