I feel like I've been watching a movie with the sound turned down... I vaguely remember doing things over these past couple of weeks though I am certain of that I did get some things accomplished... I remember telling some people some of the details but never certain of who I've told... there also feels like there is someone that I've forgotten to call and this person is very important... I have no clue... as you can tell I'm tired though the hour is not too late... not yet anyway... I have my first day back with my Sunday School class in the morning and being with the kids always helps... though I've managed two nights in a row with sleep I still feel like I'm in a haze... I should probably shower and head off to bed... the blog has been difficult to get on to tonight for whatever reason and left me feeling a tad anxious... this has become my place to release to the world all of the turmoil of my life and set it free... it helps me to sort my thoughts and work through the steps I'll need to take before I finally take them... a place to vent my anger because I fear what kind of emotional and psychological damage I may inflict on his girlfriend if I haven't worked through my emotions by the next time I see her... there are times when I would like to see her in pain and show her what she has done to the kids... what she has done to me and my entire family... I would love to break her spirit the way she did his but I doubt she has one... then my other side will chime in how I need to focus on the kids and heal myself... only I don't know how to do that... how can that be? It seems that many people turn to me for solutions of everyday problems yet I cannot find a solution for my troubles... I would like nothing better than to be in a safe place and break down... feel the pain so it can cauterize my wounds... let it all out... I guess my blog is about as safe of a place as I can get... it's anonymous and I can say anything I want here and not feel judged... I know many of you have commented to me about what I've written because I sent the link out... part of it was to give everyone a place to go so you didn't have to ask me directly but it's become mostly for me just to vent and get things off of my heart... and there's a lot of it lately! Having to retell my story multiple times throughout the day made it hard... it was like I was reliving it every time... so this has been a safe place for me though I haven't been able to break down yet... I always wonder if some of my friends haven't been by yet, though they've called, because they don't want to be the one to push me over the edge... I'm not even sure if I'll ever get to that point... I had a remarkably uneventful day today and I am grateful for that... I took the kids to the pumpkin patch and had fun watching them in the bounce houses and slides, the punkin chunkin, hay ride, pony rides, and pumpkins everywhere you look... back to what we've always done as a family (and yes, I've taken them by myself for the last three years)... I guess I should be thankful that Chris was an absent father when he was living here and a better father during their weekends together this past year... it has allowed the kids to seemingly adjust effortlessly to our present reality... it should be a sad thing, but they haven't acted out too much more than usual and keep telling me that the skeletons we see in the Halloween section are their Daddy's... and they laugh and look to see how I react... I just smile at them and tell them they're just silly... I also remind them that his favorite candy was Lemonheads as we peruse the candy section before we settle on buying Smarties and M&Ms... he isn't taboo in this house though I keep things on a lighter note for them... I wish I could just do the same for myself... all I can do is mark another day off of my calendar and hope that tomorrow will be better... I can feel a good day coming...