We are approaching our third Christmas with Chris and it amazes me how much has changed while other parts are still very much the same... the kids are growing quite a bit as is their curiosity... I've seen a few tears that I haven't quite been expecting and most of them have been mine...

I don't know what it is about this year that is harder than the last two... I guess the only part I can think of is in a couple more months I will have spent more time on this planet living than he did... not that I think he ever fully lived his life... far too much of his was buried under the pain and masked by the drugs and alcohol... but that thought just feels unfair... mostly for the kids...

There have been more times of late where they exhibit the desire for me to remarry... to find that perfect Daddy for them... a lap and strong arms to crawl into and wrap them up away from harm... I wish I could fulfill that desire for them but I would have to find the perfect man for all of us... which is why I feel that position will remain vacant for quite some time...

Moments creep up on me where I am overcome by the grief... after all this time it's still hard... trying to raise these two on my own is not easy... not easy to admit to anyone that I don't always feel that I can handle this task... not easy wondering how much it's screwing them up by not having a father around... not easy trying to be the strong one when all I want to do at times is crumble and weep...

I know it will eventually get better... I just hopes it comes sooner than later...