I finally did it... I managed to be around a member of Chris' family and did not break down... well, not too much... his sister is in town with her husband for a job that he has doing camera work for a football game on Monday... I wasn't sure what was going to happen since we have not been on the best of terms since Chris died... I know she was trying to be a peacekeeper in matters and I cannot fault her for what she has done... I agreed to see her and we had a good time... we all went to lunch and she seemed to have fun bowling with the kids... she and Jack tied for last place and we all stuck around and played the arcade games... we did a little shopping and made some fudge... we made plans for New Year's Eve since the kids will be at Grandma's house and then we cried... we cried over how stupid Chris was for his final decision... we cried for all of the times we still start to call him and remember that he is no longer there... we cried over our memories of him and laughed a bit at the dumb things he used to do... we cried for eleven weeks of now being threes... there are now only three of us in our little family... there are now only three kids left in their family... three is such an incomplete number... it will always long to have its fourth... I find it only fitting to spend New Year's Eve with his sister... a chance to heal our wounds and make a fresh start...

With less than 48 hours of the year left, I sit and reflect upon what this year has brought... it was off to a promising start as I thought that there were possibilities that I could find someone that could love me... it was a whirlwind of intrigue and excitement but the first faded into the night... there were a few awkward first dates along the way and then a few spectacular dates as I turned 30... this was the year I was so excited to see because it meant that I could put the mistakes of my twenties behind me and truly become the woman that I know that I am... I've stumbled a bit but had managed to get my life humming along right where I wanted it to be... I did meet someone who put a smile on my face... I did find that I'm still attractive to others... I also found that I am truly blessed because I discovered the meaning of friendship... it was tragic losing Chris the way we did and our days were turned on their heads... there's not a day that I don't miss his stubborn and smug attitude and I still cry a lot more than I think I should... even now I cry for his absence... he left a big hole in our lives and I hope that I'm doing what I should to be the best parent I can for the kids... they're resilient and I can only pray that they remember him in a good way... he wasn't perfect but he was their father... I did get appointed the administrator for his estate and am in the process of sorting out what needs to be taken care of first... we got through the holidays in one piece and I have to be thankful the kids live in the present... I'm glad I had the foresight to be strong in front of the kids so they could grieve without completely crumbling... it's not easy but we get through the best that we can... the silver lining for us has been much brighter than I ever could have imagined... I have to laugh at how much good has come out of this... this is the most bittersweet ending to a year that started off with so much promise... I didn't bother to see if I kept my resolutions but I will announce my new ones for 2007... I will laugh... I will love... I will find contentment with my life... I will be a better friend... I will find joy in life's simple pleasures... I will hug my children more and make sure that they know they are loved... that should do it... please take care of each other and be generous with your hugs... tell the people in your life how much they mean to you... you never know when it will be their last day on this earth... have a Happy New Year!