The Wizard of Oz has always been one of my favorites and its characters keep popping up in my train of thought... I am constantly surrounded by my wee little munchkins all day long and love to take care of them, and part of that involves giving kisses... now for whatever reason when I gave one little girl a kiss on the forehead, all I could think of is Glenda the Good Witch kissing Dorothy on the forehead for protection... it's the mark of Love... the greatest protection that one could ever have against this cruel world... now for those of you that know me you might be laughing, thinking there's no way I'd be Glenda the Good Witch of the North, but why not? I've had too many bad thoughts going through my mind about dropping a house on the Wicked Witch and taking those slippers! They're mine! And so I digress... but if you happen to hear me humming Ding, Dong, the witch is dead... which old witch... the wicked witch... ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead... she's gone where the goblins go... be-low... below, below... oh oh... and I can't remember the rest of the words... but you get the point... if you catch me humming that then you'll know that this turmoil is almost over... I can't wait!

I look at yesterday and scratch my head... I had a good session with my minister and she liked the little checklist I had found on GriefWorks website... she took it with her so she could share it with the rest of the Stephens ministers... I felt like I had worked through a good deal of my grief and was well on my way to greener pastures... then I talk to his sister and realize how much anger I have pent up... I have yet to speak to the girlfriend aside from the time that she told me she wouldn't allow us to come over and that I'd need a court order to get anything... there is so much I want to say to her that I have only been able to post here or tell to his sister or mother... I don't like having to wait... I'm not that patient... I guess that's the most frustrating part... she lives not too far from here and I know where I can find her at work but I can't bring myself to confront her because I worry that she will hide some of Chris' things and make it impossible to recover everything that the kids want... I want to be done with this mess... I want my life to be able to move forward without her in it... you'd think she'd want me out of hers as well but maybe this is her last connection to Chris... maybe she's holding on so hard because it would mean that he's really dead... it took me a while to get that through my head but it doesn't stop from talking to him when I'm upset... it doesn't stop me from talking about him with the kids and remembering him... just because the body is gone does not mean that they're not still with us... I may have told the kids that Daddy's now in the hearts of all the people that love him to help comfort them, but they were not just words... he's in my heart... I will always have love for him... and I now can love him without worrying that he's going to do something else that would hurt me... no more court fights with him over custody of the kids or fear that he will reduce the child support or just not pay... there's nothing left for him to do because all I have left of him are the memories and the love... maybe I'm just too rational about all of this... I've such an analytical mind and will work through every situation before I actually make a move... so now I will just have to bide my time and let the lawyers handle everything...

Anger and frustration are my current master... I had been in a good mood all day until Chris' sister called... nothing like hearing how they think I should be fair to the girlfriend... not how the girlfriend should do what's right and turn over all of the stuff to the kids... how I should have sympathy for her and not begrudge her that she's spending the kids' money on utilities and improvements on her home... not how the kids should have gotten their father's ashes... they all feel that I should let the anger go... that's not the part that's going to hurt her... it won't be my anger but the wrath of a woman scorned... it will be the full weight of the courts coming down on her like a house dropping on the wicked witch of the east, with only her sister to mourn her... can you tell that I'm a wee bit upset? The upside to anger is that I get a lot more work done and that means my last closet will finally be cleaned out and I can find a few items that I need to return to a couple of people (sorry if I haven't gotten your stuff out to you yet! It's coming!)... so now I'm going to be productive and simmer...

This has been an odd night... I am acutely aware that grief is a process that comes in waves and some moments I'm up and others I'm down... at the present moment I am up... I'm currently listening to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie over and over again... it's a great song that makes you want to dance and if you've ever seen the video all you can think of is trying to imitate how she's dancing... like I said in the previous post, music moves me, and this is the first time I've popped this CD in since Chris died... up until this summer's pilgrimage to Denver I had never intentionally listened to her music... I'm not that trendy... I'm a mommy who knows all of the words to The Wheels on the Bus and I can name all of the Wiggles... I hadn't listened to Top 40 music in a long long time but I couldn't help but dance when I heard my sister play this song... she's got DVR and had recorded a countdown on VH1 where this song had made the list and she loved watching the video... she got me hooked and I bought the album that day... when I got back to Dallas I put it in and listened to it when I'm cleaning, doing laundry, the dishes, in the shower, just about anytime when other kids aren't here... I loved it so much that I badgered the girl at my old gym to get it so we could listen to it with all of the other music she'd play during our workouts... this is exactly what I need to get back into my groove...

Do you ever wonder why some people are brought into your life for brief moments while others get to be with you longer? Can you see what value they have added to your life and do you appreciate the lessons that comes with having them enrich your life? Some have a hard time figuring out what to say to me in these days because there is no standard Hallmark response for having your friend's ex-husband shoot himself while she was talking to him... could you imagine that section in the greeting card aisle? It would be somewhere between I'm sorry you married such a bum and Your husband's been cheating on you with your brother... What I find interesting is there are so many out there that never realize that each person is put in your path for a purpose... it's difficult for some to see the value in having a man in my life that did not hold our marriage sacred... but he did serve a purpose... he gave me the most precious gift that one could receive and I could never repay him for making me a mother... those kids have changed me for the better... they make it hard to be selfish... it's a love that runs deeper than any other... in a strange way Chris also gave me a better appreciation for life... during the end of our marriage, I barely recognized the person that stared back at me in the mirror... I was a shell of my former self... I didn't smile all that much... I was cranky... I didn't spend time with any friends and avoided being out of the house for anything other than the grocery store... after the divorce I had to find myself... it sounds so cliche but it's true... I took a year off from men and got to know myself again... I started singing and dancing around the house... that is quite a sight! But it put a smile back on my face... I listened to music from happier times and played every musical soundtrack I owned and danced to all of the choreography from the shows I had been in... (I now find it ironic that I was cast as one of Judas' tormentors in Jesus Christ Superstar considering my present situation)... there is something about music that moves my soul... I don't claim to be any good but it doesn't stop me from doing it! One of my best friends had commented to me that I seemed much more like I used to be than I had over the last few years... she's known me for 18 years so she'd know... I guess that's good that I'm back to my center (or at least close)... There have also been a few other people who were present but only for a moment... one showed me that I was still attractive and funny and that it was possible to be happy after divorce... another has shown me that there are possibilities that I never even dreamed of... we truly have no control over how long these souls are to mingle with ours but we must enjoy them for however long they are around... others have been a staple in my daily life but I had never given them too much thought because we are all running after our children, worrying about dinner, and how we'll get the laundry done... now they play a much larger role in our lives and it's taken this tragedy to make me see their importance... what would you say or do with one of your friends if you knew that this was the last day they would be on this earth? And how do you factor in with all of this? I never think much about what I do or say and how it impacts those around me... I can only be myself and do the best that I can do... I can only continue to live a life of gratitude for all of the wonderful people I have in my life and hope that my children can follow my lead...

There aren't too many things that I hate in this world that can't be handled by lawyers but the one I hate the most is crying... I know... I know... there is a time and a place for everything and there must be a good reason why our eyes leak water for nothing more than an emotion pulling on our heart strings... why the strong language? Because I have been crying every other time I turn around these days... the aftershocks are almost as strong as the initial quake... one particular friend seems to be very good at pulling on my heart strings... she has been a good friend over these past few years and after today I look at her more like a sister... I can't say this to her directly because I would start bawling all over again... (You know who you are!)... we have been making each other cry over random acts of kindness and she looks out for me and my kids... I may have only one biological sister (who I adore) but I now need both hands and at least one foot to count the number of women I include as sisters... it's a bond that runs deeper than friendship... it's something that I wish that all women had... to know that there are those out in this often lonely world who hold us close when life is rough and take care of us when we are not strong enough to ask... it is a blessing to have these women in my life... I could not have made it through these last six weeks without them and I shall be eternally grateful...

Life seems to be coming full circle... I have just spoken to one of the ghosts from my past... someone who apparently has pictures of me sleeping with Murphy the cat, now deceased... the good part of all of the tragedy that I have endured is I have heard from more people from my past and have been reconnecting with a lot of people who I just thought the world of... my sweet friend was unsure if I was the same Sarah from all those years ago but after looking at my profile he could tell that it was indeed me and we've just spent an hour on the phone... amazing how much can change over a decade or so and that we can talk like we just saw each other yesterday... I am truly grateful for all of my friends... I know I should lean on them more but it's hard... I'm not sure why I hold back... I'm just afraid that if I hug them too long I will crumble into a sobbing mess... I've been crying more lately out of the blue... it never lasts too long... a song will come on... I'll find a note that he wrote... see a picture stuck in a book... and I'll sit there and cry... it's coming up on 6 weeks and I am tempted to call his cell phone to see what'll happen... I take it back... I just called his cell phone and it goes straight to his voice mail... it's the first time that I've heard his voice since he killed himself and here come the tears... my heart aches... I just don't understand how he could have been so hopeless that killing himself was the only way to make things better... I just don't understand... no matter how bleak life gets I know that tomorrow is an opportunity to have a better day... my heart is racing like it did that night... my anxiety level has shot through the roof and I wish I could do something... anything... to take it all back and bring him home... to look at him one more time... did you all know that I had my friends take pictures during the private viewing and funeral? The funeral was closed casket but we got to see him and touch him during the viewing... my friend won't show me the photos yet... she's going to put them in an album for me for later... maybe five or ten years from now when I can look at them and not have all of the agony come flooding back... they always say that God doesn't give anyone more than they can handle but why this? Why did He think that I could handle hearing Chris shoot himself in the heart and then have to tell our babies? In most ways we're better off but that still doesn't make it any easier... if I have too much quiet time I can hear bits and pieces of our last conversation... the other night I saw an accident outside of my kitchen window when a car hit one of the stop signs at the intersection behind our house... there weren't any sirens, only police lights flashing... much like that night that I turned onto his street and it was lined all the way up to his house with flashing lights... and it comes rushing back... the flashes through his office window as they took the crime scene photos... of them wheeling his body out of the house... it all comes back... haven't I cried enough for this man? Haven't I done all that I can for him? The only thing left to do is to bring his remains home so he can be with his kids where he belongs but I have to go through the courts to do that... I don't know what else I am supposed to do... maybe that's why I want to sleep every free moment I have... that way I don't have to feel this pain... this exquisite excruciating pain...

I can't seem to shake the fog that I have been wandering around in... my whole weekend was fairly laid back because there weren't too many places I had to be and I was under the haze of cough medicine... I was supposed to go to the rodeo Sunday with friends but I was coughing my lungs up so I let Hannah go and Jack and I stayed home... it did some good to catch up on sleep as most nights are interrupted by coughing fits... today seems to be better... I think I got most of the yuck out of my lungs...

Thoughts go back and forth about how severe of a depression I will be going through... I know enough about the topic from both school and having been through it three times to recognize the symptoms... it's interesting to watch the expressions on others faces... some read the blog and are aware of what I'm going through... others don't know and don't seem to realize that there's something behind the smile... it's been hard talking to others in person about what I'm dealing with because it feels like I'd be burdening them... I know many have told me that they're always here for me to talk to but it's really hard to open up like that... the only person I can do that with is my minister and that's because that's her job... she's quickly becoming a friend but she's outside of the situation and it's the same as if I were blogging... it's anonymous enough that I can just let it all out... and how many of us hide the fact that we're depressed? How many of us are on anti-depressants or other medication just to make it through the day and don't acknowledge it's part of our lives? It's as if it were shameful and it is something to hide but it is something that we should all be able to just let out there without fear of the repercussions... how far must we retreat into our shells and keep on the happy face to the outside world? I smile and can get through a day because I have no choice... I can't spend every day in bed because the kids depend on me to take care of them... I do feel good at times but it is very easy for me to isolate myself because I work from home and have stepped back from most of my obligations until after the holidays... I may have gotten my tree up already but there are so many things that I can't seem to bring myself to do and others that I can't keep on my radar longer than a few minutes, only to be forgotten the moment one of the kids interrupts my thought process... and so you can imagine how much I'm not getting done... even now Jack is trying to talk to me as I type instead of doing what he's supposed to be doing... I found a checklist of sorts on GriefWorks website that's titled How Do I Know I Have Grieved... it's nice having a list like that to help me see how much more work I need to do... there are some things on there like identifying and grieving for secondary losses... that's a step I've already taken... but others like Are you no longer forgetful? and Has your concentration improved? are some that I have yet to be able to say yes to... part of me would like to fast forward life to six or eight months from now when I think life will be better but I know that I have to experience every facet of my emotions so I can cauterize these wounds... funny how pulling a list off of the internet is comforting... though I know not to believe everything that I read, there is a bit of solace in having a mini-guide book to walk me through what else to expect... once I can answer yes to all 22 questions then I know that I'm better... life will never go back to the way it was before, and there are a lot of reasons that I'm thankful for that... part of me wonders how much lighter this depression would be if I weren't having to legally haggle with the girlfriend... if only she could have acted like a reasonable human being instead of how she has been... it's too much to expect of others to behave appropriately when their track record is sleeping with your husband and acting like a controlling psycho... it's like expecting a chicken to oink like a pig... I guess I should expect her to act no better than she's been and just let the courts deal with her... so that's where I'm at... aware of the depression that's wrapping around me like a warm blanket and trying to let go of the past... there's nothing more that I can do that could change the outcome... it is what it is... so I will make an attempt to finally go to the gym and get on with my life...