I feel like I've been watching a movie with the sound turned down... I vaguely remember doing things over these past couple of weeks though I am certain of that I did get some things accomplished... I remember telling some people some of the details but never certain of who I've told... there also feels like there is someone that I've forgotten to call and this person is very important... I have no clue... as you can tell I'm tired though the hour is not too late... not yet anyway... I have my first day back with my Sunday School class in the morning and being with the kids always helps... though I've managed two nights in a row with sleep I still feel like I'm in a haze... I should probably shower and head off to bed... the blog has been difficult to get on to tonight for whatever reason and left me feeling a tad anxious... this has become my place to release to the world all of the turmoil of my life and set it free... it helps me to sort my thoughts and work through the steps I'll need to take before I finally take them... a place to vent my anger because I fear what kind of emotional and psychological damage I may inflict on his girlfriend if I haven't worked through my emotions by the next time I see her... there are times when I would like to see her in pain and show her what she has done to the kids... what she has done to me and my entire family... I would love to break her spirit the way she did his but I doubt she has one... then my other side will chime in how I need to focus on the kids and heal myself... only I don't know how to do that... how can that be? It seems that many people turn to me for solutions of everyday problems yet I cannot find a solution for my troubles... I would like nothing better than to be in a safe place and break down... feel the pain so it can cauterize my wounds... let it all out... I guess my blog is about as safe of a place as I can get... it's anonymous and I can say anything I want here and not feel judged... I know many of you have commented to me about what I've written because I sent the link out... part of it was to give everyone a place to go so you didn't have to ask me directly but it's become mostly for me just to vent and get things off of my heart... and there's a lot of it lately! Having to retell my story multiple times throughout the day made it hard... it was like I was reliving it every time... so this has been a safe place for me though I haven't been able to break down yet... I always wonder if some of my friends haven't been by yet, though they've called, because they don't want to be the one to push me over the edge... I'm not even sure if I'll ever get to that point... I had a remarkably uneventful day today and I am grateful for that... I took the kids to the pumpkin patch and had fun watching them in the bounce houses and slides, the punkin chunkin, hay ride, pony rides, and pumpkins everywhere you look... back to what we've always done as a family (and yes, I've taken them by myself for the last three years)... I guess I should be thankful that Chris was an absent father when he was living here and a better father during their weekends together this past year... it has allowed the kids to seemingly adjust effortlessly to our present reality... it should be a sad thing, but they haven't acted out too much more than usual and keep telling me that the skeletons we see in the Halloween section are their Daddy's... and they laugh and look to see how I react... I just smile at them and tell them they're just silly... I also remind them that his favorite candy was Lemonheads as we peruse the candy section before we settle on buying Smarties and M&Ms... he isn't taboo in this house though I keep things on a lighter note for them... I wish I could just do the same for myself... all I can do is mark another day off of my calendar and hope that tomorrow will be better... I can feel a good day coming...

I feel I should say that I hope none of you find it necessary to tread on eggshells around me... there are certain phrases that we use everyday and they should not be declared off limits just because of what's happened... I said "I almost killed myself!" as I stepped and tripped on one of Jack's many cars the day after and caught myself feeling somewhat guilty... please don't... life goes on... I know one of my friends keeps catching herself saying things along those lines where she feels I might be offended, but I'm not... I have to keep my sense of humor... Chris was cremated and all I kept thinking is how appropriate... he liked to smoke and that was the way he should go... I also kept thinking I needed to have another wedding on my calendar because I had been in attendance of two wedding celebrations the two prior weekends and have another one that I'm in coming up in May... that way I could have my four weddings and a funeral... yeah... I know it's not all that funny but I had to find a way to laugh and smile... today when I'm done working I'll be taking the kids to the pumpkin patch that we visit every fall... we would have already gone by this time of the year so we can paint our pumpkins and put them by the front door but it's been a struggle to get out of the house for things other than groceries... now I don't even have to do that because my wonderful friends have been bringing me groceries and a hug every Thursday... Amy commented to me how good it was to see me at church last week instead of hibernating in my house and she's right... I need to get out there and not let a single day pass me by... I've had to ask myself a lot of hard questions, as well as some of people in my life, and though I may not have all of the answers that I like I know that today is another gift to make of it whatever I can... to smile and laugh because it is so necessary to my recovery... my hair is done today and I think I look more like my normal self... I can't predict when those feelings are going to creep up on me but I can't stay in bed waiting for them either... it would be a tragedy to allow this to destroy my life and not do what I was called to do... we all have gifts and talents and how many of us are doing what we love? I know of only two people in my life who love what they do... what about the rest of us? I have been given a clean slate but I also believe that we all can take each day and use it to the fullest...

Not real sure what time I fell asleep but I didn't get out of bed until 8:15... the melatonin definitely helped... as I was getting up this morning I had noticed The One Year Bible was laying on the floor... my Mom had given it to me because it had been left at her hotel for a couple of years and thought that I might want it... I felt it kind of odd that she would think of me as she has never expressed any organized religious tendencies but she brought it over a few months ago and I've occasionally thumbed through it... today I was curious as to what it said for October 5th, the day Chris died... the opening passage is:
My heart, my heart - I [Jeremiah] writhe in pain! My heart pounds within me! I cannot be still. For I have heard the blast of enemy trumpets and the roar of their battle cries. Waves of destruction roll over the land, until it lies in complete desolation. Suddenly every tent is destroyed; in a moment every shelter is crushed. How long must this go on? How long must I be surrounded by war and death? -Jeremiah 4:19-21
It goes on through verse 6:15 but it was the opening passage that caught my eye... I know that when you seek you will find what seems like purpose... there are no accidents... everyone and everything in your life happens for a reason... it may take years to find the reason behind each person and action but whether you choose to call it God's plan, karma, fate, whatever I feel that it all has a purpose... and so this passage lay in my hands, trembling as I read, as I can only think of Chris... his heart was in pain and he could not be still... he was blasted by his girlfriend as she raged at him for his betrayal... his thoughts of his broken heart rolled over any Hope that he may have had; crushing any rays of light that he had in his life... he answered the last two questions by loading his gun and releasing his pain...

I'm not sure if it will become clear what the purpose is for having Chris taken out of our lives... it's not what I would ever wish for my children because a father's love cannot be replaced... the blessing for me is he left at a time when they could not see him as I had seen him... before they became aware of the choices he would make regardless of the pain it would cause... I have selfishly chosen to shelter them from the truth that I know to leave them with only the good memories... maybe when they get old enough to accept the truth without it damaging their Spirits, maybe then I can share the knowledge with them... Chris told me in the end he didn't want the kids to end up like him... he didn't want them to know the kind of pain that he was in... he couldn't see that I would always be the kind of mother that his own could not be... I was stronger than that and the kids always came first... always will... I've been thinking about my clean slate and it's a bit daunting... it feels much like it did when our divorce became final... when I started going to church and heard Pastor Vic talk about Moses... on the verge of the unknown with only Faith to guide him through his wandering the wilderness... I hope that it does not take me 40 years of wandering to find my own paradise, my own Promise Land... I only know that each journey begins with a single step and that there is joy to be found... it will take time and if I seem lost, please help be my guiding light... be the arms that hug me, the ears that listen...

Amazing how a little sleep can make you a whole new person... when I was tired, my mind kept racing about all of the things that need to be attended to, never able to really get anything done... today was a decent day or as decent it could be under the circumstances... I got to laugh and play with the kids today and found myself joining in more enthusiastically than usual... for those of you that don't know, I have my own day care and get paid to color, paint, blow bubbles, and read stories... my day care kids are all great little people and I get quite a few hugs throughout each day... they sort of know what's happened and most had seen me the day everything went down and saw me as a complete mess... but because they're children who live egocentric lives, they also force me back to my regular routine and have me playing... they've been a huge part of me getting back on my feet and it feels good to be silly... so my day was good... I am happier today than I've been over the past two weeks though I'm highly aware that it's going to be an emotional roller coaster... I can only hope the melatonin is as effective or more so than the pills I took... you'll be able to tell if I got any sleep by the time stamp on my next post... the kids seem to be better... Hannah picked up my glow-in-the-dark skull out of my Halloween box and said to Grandpa, "Hey look! It's Daddy's skull!" and giggled around with it in her hand... I reconsidered putting up our usual decorations of the skeleton on the door and bones in the garden simply because I felt this might not be a good time to have that outside... a bit more morbid than my usual self so we went and bought scarecrows and pumpkins to have up until Thanksgiving... I still find it hard to believe I'll never get another BS phone call in the middle of the day or have him smoking outside my door... I guess I'm mentally ready to experience the pain but am waiting to see what my heart does... the one thought that still goes through my mind is this didn't have to happen... she should have known better... but you can't take back yesterday and life will go on... one of my friends reminds me that I get to start over with a clean slate... so what will I do with this new life before me? Will this experience change my life's path for the better? I know that I have grown emotionally from all the love and kindness that we've received... I know that I will write about this and do my best to get it published... I know that I love all of the wonderful people in my life who have been there, from friends to neighbors, even the lawyers... I am full of gratitude for those that keep us in their thoughts... and now as bedtime approaches I will try a more natural way of hopefully getting some rest so I don't become a raving loon! Good night my friends...

Hannah went into a screaming, whining, crying jag yesterday because she was tired and she lost her chance to go to the football game... it worked out for the best because I put the kids down early and took my pills... I laid in bed for a while as my show ended and another began... sitting and waiting for them to kick in... I had a weird rush of energy and prayed that the pills wouldn't have the opposite effect of their intent... with the way things have been going it wouldn't surprise me in the least if I was still up... I had no desire to watch the 10 o'clock news but I barely remember anything after the news came on until Stella started in on her morning routine... I woke up with the panic that I had overslept my alarm but the clock read 6:28 a.m. and I realized I had managed to get my first 8 hours of sleep... I probably could have slept until noon if I had the luxury but it's Friday and we need to get up and ready for work and school... I am unfortunately working both Saturday and Sunday, but only in the mornings so you can safely bet that I'll be taking a nap as soon as I get the chance... my parents will be here at some point today and my father's bringing some melatonin for me so I can get back to a natural sleeping rhythm... I really don't like taking medication for anything so I'll be happy to see if that'll do it for me...

I have also been reading on the stages of grief and came across an article on how the 5 stages of grief are not necessarily accurate... that people don't always go through each stage in order, can skip steps or experience multiple stages at once... denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance... the article went on to say that the real work of bereavement happens after these stages happen... I can tell you that I went through all 5 stages in the moments leading up to Chris shooting himself and through the time that I called 911... it all happened within the span of two minutes... for me it was more like bargaining with him to not do it, denial of the sound that I heard as he did it, anger when I realized he actually pulled the trigger, acceptance of what happened as I called 911, and depression as I sat there crying while I waited for the police to arrive at his house... the article goes on to say that grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality
This makes more sense to me than knowing what has been accepted as the traditional stages... it's not that I don't know how to move forward... it's just that I've been stuck on accepting the loss and am not ready to experience the pain... I started crying again yesterday as more people have called, dropped by, or emailed their kind thoughts and I know that it's going to take time... it's only been two weeks and yet it feels like it's been a lifetime... then again it seems like yesterday that I talked to him... I haven't gotten around to taking his number out of my cell phone and am not sure if I ever will...

I just finished another session with my Stephens Minister and I feel a bit better... there's much concern over my inability to get sleep so I 've gotten advice and have something to help... I don't know how intelligible I'd be if I wait too much longer... and thank you to whomever it is that was so kind to "tuck me in"...

I know I keep saying how amazing everyone has been in every other post but I am compelled to say it again... never could I ever imagine that so many people have such kind hearts and have reached out to us in so many ways... over the past couple of days two of my friends have stopped by with envelopes... it was prefaced with this is not for pity or charity, but simply another way our friends are reaching out to help... the amount received over these past couple of days, plus what one friend left for us at the funeral home, totals what my child support payment normally is... and that's quite a bit more than what most people get... so my heart runneth over with gratitude to everyone... I'm hoping this money won't have to be used for the legal fight that I have ahead of me but I want everyone to know that anything that isn't necessary will go to the kids' saving accounts until I get their college funds set up... also all of the meals have been such a blessing... it's nice to not have to worry about what's for dinner and I apparently have meals coming for the next 15 weeks... crazy to think about people still cooking meals through the New Year but maybe it'll take that long for me to get back to normal...

I'm now counting down the hours until I crash tonight... Hannah's going to a football game with friends and Jack's going to have a quiet evening with me... as soon as Hannah gets home I'm taking my goods and should be in bed by 9:30 or whenever Gray's Anatomy is over... if all goes as plans this should be the last entry for today...

For those of you who haven't been to my house in the last two years, you may not know that I have two cats... it was unintentional that their arrival coincided with Chris' departure... I had already promised a friend that if her cat had a solid white female kitten I would take her... I also later offered to take one of the males if their new home fell through... so now I have two beautiful solid white cats that happened to be weaned at the same time Chris moved out... it made his absence a bit easier for the kids because they had a new distraction... who wouldn't be excited about two soft and fuzzy kitties? As with anyone who has small children mixed with even smaller animals, you tend to take a few precautions... Stella and Eddie were introduced as Hannah and Jack's new brother and sister... they were so tiny that I used to keep a kitty cube up on my bed for them to sleep in until they were fast enough to run from all of the hugs the kids were trying to give... Eddie has turned into a complete guy and does whatever it is that guys do at night but Stella will always find her way back to my bed at some point in the night... she has an affinity for waking me up by walking on me and rubbing her little face on mine... normally that wouldn't be a problem but my cats still have their claws so when she walks on me in hurts just enough to wake me up... and she doesn't let up after I've tossed her off the bed... no... she'll keep at it until I get up and turn on my bathroom faucet for her to drink out of and feed her... now I'm telling you this because I haven't been sleeping much over the past couple of weeks and it was after 3 a.m. before I fell asleep... Stella normally waits to announce her arrival around the same time my alarm is going off... she's my backup alarm... and I would not usually mind having her wake me up because I used to get at least 7 or 8 hours of sleep... but this morning she chose to wake me up at 4:27 a.m. and I must have tossed her off of the bed no less than 10 times before she curled up next to me and went back to sleep... so needless to say that I am more than tired this morning... but up and dressed... I have to go down to whatever government office has the birth certificate records because I need a copy to apply for the kids' Social Security benefits... I know I have several copies somewhere and I'm sure I'll find at least one of the copies after I pick this one up... Murphy's Law... I'm hoping the rest of my day will be better...

It's been three hours or so since my last post and I was hoping to not do this... I really would like to be asleep right now drooling on my pillow or grinding my teeth but alas, here I am... two comforting thoughts... the dishes are done and have completed their wash cycle and I have done yet another load of laundry... how exciting... maybe the other reason I'm dragging my feet on retaining the probate lawyer is that it would be an admittance that Chris truly is dead. Not that he's sitting in some bar somewhere getting drunk and I'm up waiting for him to come home... but dead... gone... I will never lay my eyes upon him, dead. Wouldn't it be nice if I could enjoy the ignorant bliss that the kids have... maybe that's why I can't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning... it's the time I used to stay up until he finally dragged himself in here... and I thought I was done crying... damn...

The kids are in bed and here I sit... sitting and writing... writing and wondering will I be able to sleep tonight... won't know until I try... won't know until the morning... I did something shocking today to help with my sleeping situation... well not shocking for you but definitely not something I would generally ever do since I'd given up my vices... are you ready? I had a Coke... not one, but two... I had given up soda quite some time ago and only keep those cute little midget ones around for when I'm hostessing a meeting or otherwise entertaining guests... I don't drink caffeine unless I plan on being in the car driving to Denver in one straight shot... I know, I know... I used to be a Starbuck's junkie and would get a bit skiddish if I didn't have my morning fix... or my mid-morning fix... or my brunch fix... and so on and so forth until it was 2 a.m... but I have had to give up my coffee and all other forms of strong caffeine (I mention the word strong because there's not enough caffeine in the amounts of tea or chocolate I consume to give me a buzz) because I had some serious withdrawals if I went too long without... so here I am sitting with a 24 pack of Cokes that my mother had bought in case anyone stopped by after the funeral service and most of them are still in the box... taunting and teasing... not very nice to do to a girl who is moments away from total lunacy... sleep deprivation is not pretty... and it is most definitely not pretty on me... no ma'am... not one bit... I had the Cokes in an effort to not fall asleep this afternoon so I will be exhausted enough to drift right off to sleep tonight... I do feel tired... I am looking around at the dishes in the sink and think I might possibly get out of my comfy computer chair and deal with them... maybe... there are so many productive things I could be doing right now instead of sitting here typing away like a mad woman but I think if I get this off of my heart then maybe I won't turn into Ms. Havisham... at least there are no wedding cakes here... though not a bad costume thought for Halloween... (side note: Hannah will be Cinderella and Jack will be the Cat in the Hat... I will show my true colors and be myself, a witch!) It truly sucks that I can't go to sleep and turn off the thoughts of my mind... there were so many things I already had in there before all of this happened... now it seems like an endless repeat of bad television... the ones where you yell at the screen, "Hey! What can go wrong with the illuminating power of a candle on your side? Let's go check in the basement and find out what's making that creepy noise!"... it still seems so surreal... my parents called tonight to check on us... they've been kind and have given us a little space but I have to acknowledge that they're going through much of the same disbelief that we're all in since he died... Chris was the son my Dad never had and always wanted... someone to pal around with, go to the movies with, and do stupid guy things with... the two most asinine things they had done, though they had a good time doing, were going skydiving together and paintballing... two total guy things that I doubt you could get me to do... well, I might consider paintballing but I remember Chris came home with a giant black and blue knot on his forehead where somebody shot him... I'm not into pain even in the slightest form so it would take a lot to get me to do that... but they basically lost a son... it's hard losing anyone after they've been in your lives for that many years... and I know that Chris' family is still in a lot of pain and that this wound will be raw for a long long time... all of these thoughts run through my mind... and somewhere in there I still try to have compassion and find forgiveness... I really want to be angry and know that I shouldn't... those are the moments when I wish I were a lawyer... to make it cut and dry and not consider the damage that I may inflict on his girlfriend when I take her to court... I'm still holding out, against my favorite attorney's advice, to see what she's willing to do but I can't wait much longer... I know I will win any court decision but at what price? If I have her prosecuted it would ruin what's left of her life... and that is a path that I'd rather not take... ideally she'd give me what I ask for and I'd let her keep everything else... I'm not asking for much... out of their house I want all of the kids' stuff and all of his dress shirts... if she gives me the shirts I'll be making blankets for each of the kids so they can hold him close... aside from that, any monies that are in his accounts are rightfully the children's and will be used for their benefit... for their education funds as well as their orthodontists bills... or anything else that they will need... I feel as though she thinks I'm going to buy a new fancy car or take a fabulous vacation or get boobs... not that I need them but whatever goes through the mind of crazy girlfriends about the ex-wives... she doesn't get it just like his family doesn't get it... and now I've been sitting here typing for 45 minutes and I'm still going... aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh... and yes, the dishes are still in the sink... so now I will get off of my duff and do the dishes and bring in my garbage can from the curb and call it a night... hopefully... don't be surprised if I'm back on here in another hour or two...

Let's have a return to the 50s mindset... a wonderful era where we repressed anything unpleasant and just baked perfect chocolate cakes and wore fancy aprons that coordinated with each outfit... oh wouldn't that be swell?!? I think that I could manage if no one ever mentioned Chris again... I know that everyone wants to hear about what happened and how we are all getting on but the days are better when we don't talk about it... it seems so wrong to say that but I just ran into a friend at the flu shot clinic and she was sweet as she normally is and she did not ask once about how we're doing... I know that sounds odd to say but it felt good to act like it's just another day... the reason I say that is I've gone two days without crying and I like that... I did get frustrated a bit when Chris' sister called this morning to check on us... I haven't spoken to her since the night of the funeral... she's the only sibling Chris had that I used to talk to even after the divorce... she means well though you can tell she's still not dealing with his loss and would rather allow time for feelings to heal before we delve into the matter of Chris' estate... and I use the term "estate" loosely... for everyone else it is easier to let things be and try to move forward without him but for me he was also part of our financial lives... an ugly side of divorce is child support and I am in a position that I don't have the luxury to crawl into a hole and cry until I'm ready to emerge and deal with the world... my world has to move forward because I have two little people who look to me to know how to act... could you imagine how much worse they would be if I was a crying babbling mess that wouldn't get out of bed? I have enough foresight to know that they will follow my lead and if I talk about this in a positive manner, it will allow them to only feel the grief, not the anger... not the frustration... it was already tough listening to Hannah say that she's the baddest girl in the whole world and everyone hates her when she's cranky and getting timed out before she lost her Daddy... to add to her pain would be cruel... and trying to explain that to his sister just increases my awareness that none of them, not a single member of his family, will put our kids before their own grief... it's not their job... they are not the ones charged with raising emotionally healthy and independent people who will make a positive impact on society... I don't think a single member of his family is aware of how much I loved this man right up to the very end and how hearing him end his life has impacted me... not their concern... their own grief consumes them... if only they had half of the empathy that my friends have had and supported us even in the slightest way... so we could return to the 50s mindset and not talk about anything uncomfortable... not talk about money... not talk about any little thing that could possibly make our circumstances any better so that I can begin to heal... so that I can finally feel like today is just another ordinary day and when a friend asks "How are you doing?" it's because it's habit and I can say "We're fine" without having them worry that I'm hibernating in my house... I know that day is coming... I'll just have to be patient...

It's been almost two weeks since Chris' death and you would think that life would settle back down... in most aspects it has... the kids are back in school and seemingly have adjusted to our new reality... I'm open for business again and working as much as I normally do... the laundry is finally being done and put away... I even almost went to the PTA meeting last night but Hannah was way too tired and had a meltdown... it felt completely normal... I got to watch Oprah last night and caught one of my shows that I like... I was in bed at a reasonable hour and then... well... then nothing... so I watched more television in hopes of falling asleep... and then I watched some more... and still nothing... it was almost 4 a.m. before I fell asleep and my alarm is set to go off at 6:30... and that's only because I let myself sleep in... part of me thinks it's because I need to get back to the gym because I could always go to sleep after a couple of hours there... part of it's because I know that it's almost 12:36 a.m., the official time of his passing... and some may think "Well, turn the TV off!" but that's not it... I've been sleeping with the television on since Chris moved out... I like the noise as I drift off... and it's not like I enjoy watching Cheaters or the numerous infomercials that come on at that hour... I just cannot fall to sleep... the upside to my day is that I'm in real clothes... not the black that I've been wearing since he passed, and not the exercise clothes that I forced myself to wear in hopes of getting to the gym these past two days, but my favorite jeans and a regular shirt... though I may change my shirt in a little while because they're having a flu shot clinic at our clubhouse and I'd like to get that out of the way, but otherwise I'm dressed... and showered...

I'm sure I've mentioned it somewhere on this blog that when we went to see Chris privately that Saturday that there was a group photo of Chris with his brothers and sister from when they were little... Chris couldn't have been more than 5 in that picture and the look in his eyes is haunting... it's obvious to me that this portrait was taken after the abuse had started... there was a deadness in his eyes and the expression on his face is much like that of soldiers when they return from combat... they try to smile... they try to pretend that everything's fine but if you look you will see the 1000 yard stare... they're not there... it's just a shell... the reason I bring this up is our son, Jack, is the spitting image of his Daddy... he is a mini Chris through and through and I know that there is much of the rebellious streak that Chris exhibited... the one difference between the father and son is the look in the eye... Jack has only been loved his entire little life and there is a light of joy and hope that shines bright... he even smiled at me with his impish little grin as I laid him down for his nap... pure innocence and love... there is hope for the next generation of this family to not have to repeat the sins of the father... that they can grow with the security that their Daddy never knew...

An incredible lesson I have learned through this is the power of friendship... I have returned two emails this morning, one to Ian who inspired me to blog, and one to my dear friend Mary... both have sent me numerous emails full of love and well wishes as we've been trying to make sense of all that's happened... what never ceases to amaze me is how little we consider our friends' daily lives until a tragedy occurs... it forces us all to stop going through the motions of everyday life, of merely existing in this realm, and really live each moment... I don't know whether to be grateful for this lesson learned the hard way but I have said and will continue to say that we all need to be more aware in our lives and take a moment to tell your friends that you love them... not just me as we work through this, but to all of the people you count as friends... I had one friend who was in counseling and she called me up and told me that her therapist called me her safe haven... it never occurred to me to be any different and that you're suppose to support their decisions and be happy for them... we're supposed to be there for the ups and downs and thank them for just being themselves... I truly feel blessed to know there are so many people who count me as their friend and will do my best every day to remember each of you... I will do better at calling and dropping cards in the snail mail for no reason other than to say that I'm thinking of you... our friends lift us up when we've stumbled and hold us tight when we're scared... without the outpouring of kindness I don't know if I would have had the strength to be the mother that my kids need me to be... I know in time I'll be whole again but you, my sweet friends, make all the difference!

Charge of the Day: Perform two random acts of kindness and pick up the phone and tell someone how much they mean to you!

It's approaching the witching hour and I've done the ultimate bit of public declaration that I could think of... I emailed Oprah's upcoming shows site and coincidentally they are planning on a show about how children cope with the loss of a parent... it makes me wonder how effective I've been in handling the kids and their fragile hearts... they've finally gone back to their own beds and they are smothered with hugs and kisses... Hannah's in play therapy at school and I'm still waiting to see how Jack is processing it... they both get to play at their friends' houses and they are constantly surrounded by people who care... I make sure I tell them every day that I love them and am trying to apply all of the Love and Logic advice since I no longer have to deal with the conflicting parenting styles between the two households... from now on they will only be in the most loving environment that I can possibly provide and do all that I can to make them strong and independent... though they have "a hole on their soul in the shape of their Dad" (to steal a line from an Oprah show on fathers) at least it's because he has passed away, not because he's too busy with his new life to be a Daddy... that's a hole that I can only plug with good memories and strong male role models... maybe our story will be picked up, maybe not, but either way this is a story I have to tell to as many people as I can because it was an unnecessary death...

I sit here and ponder my next strategic move... after talking to my favorite attorney, I have a much better idea of what needs to be done and there is no room for being nice... that's not to say there isn't room for mercy but it makes it abundantly clear that there is no room for being sweet...

For those of you who took the pop quiz, your answers will be scored and those who pass will get a gold star! Bonus points if you know who/what BOB is...

You hear people talk about teaching points in their lives... moments that changed the essence of their Being and I know that my life has forever been altered... a friend pointed out that I was traumatized by having to hear him kill himself and I have yet to deal with that... I keep telling people that if you look at it as he honored me by sharing his last hours with me... that he trusted me enough to come to me after all that we have been through... to take it like that, instead of allowing myself to feel negatively about it, makes an incredible difference in how we recover our lives... personal perspective is reality... not many people acknowledge that... if someone is crazy and they think they're the King of Siam, then by God, they are the King of Siam... just because my reality doesn't coincide with yours doesn't lessen the truth of my reality... I have also been giving much thought to what I should do with all of this newfound knowledge that I have... this all will eventually manifest itself into a book... can't guarantee it will ever get published and find it's way to a library shelf but I will do something with all of this...

I just also spent a couple of hours in a training session tonight with a woman who deals with child abuse, how to recognize signs, and how we can help... it is staggering to hear that only 1 in 10 children will ever acknowledge abuse when it's happening... listening to how little boys react, how it shapes them as they mature, and how they may cope when they're older made me feel as if this woman had met Chris... the people who have been so disrespectful to me in the wake of his death have all been people who I feel contributed to Chris taking his own life... he was molested as a child and his parents failed to prosecute Elmer because it was the un-Christian thing to do... for two years he endured this molestation and when he finally went to the people that are supposed to be his protectors, they failed him... this rejection can only crush what little self-worth we have as children... thus setting it up in his mind that this was just a part of life... that it was all right when his youth pastor did the same thing to him as he got a bit older... that it was fine for a cousin to do it to him in his teenage years where he was struggling to prove his masculinity by sleeping with every girl in sight but also submitting to what was a part of his life... a part that made him feel little self-worth and caused him to live as large as he possibly could... for him to disconnect with what's happening around him because he had been so traumatized that he could not live in the moment... he didn't know how to connect because when he had been able to be present he was violated... that was a huge problem in our marriage, that he couldn't feel the love, joy, sorrow, shame that any normal person could feel... he could only feel anger because little boys are not allowed to feel sorrow or cry, they have to be tough and act like little men, not like little sissy boys... and so I sat there listening to Chris' life unfold before me from a total stranger, making a few missed connections as to why he behaved as poorly as he did... I always thought the trauma of his childhood was our main problem and would voice my opinion of it but I never fully understood the developmental progression enough to help him see... my specialty was not initially childhood development... my focus was more towards state and mood disorders and it helped to an extent in how I dealt with him but he was never ready to hear that it wasn't his fault... that he did not deserve to have his innocence taken from him... that he had much value as a human, and for me, more so as a father... he was terrified of being a father in the beginning because he was afraid of what he might do... he was even more terrified when we learned that our second child was going to be a boy... it took him all of these years to finally allow himself to be somewhat vulnerable to emotions that allowed him to be a good Daddy this last year... it's what his girlfriend did not realize... Chris put himself out there for the first time in his 32 years to being loved without fear... their common thread was her being raped around the time that they met and it allowed for Chris to be a savior to her where he could not have done so for himself all those years ago... it allowed for him to take a baby step out from behind the shield that he'd been hiding behind all of these years... even in the time that he was with me, he would rarely let down that guard... he'd let me catch a glimpse of his sweet, loving self from time to time but it was too hard to be vulnerable... he thought he finally would be able to have the life that he always wanted and had been struggling to keep... it didn't have to end like it did... he didn't have to kill himself... he just couldn't see the truth... Veritas Chris... may you finally know peace...

Attention! This is a pop quiz! Make sure you mark each answer clearly and leave no chads hanging!

I am:
a) awake
b) tired
c) an evil ex-wife
d) showered
e) possible combination of above choices
f) all of the above
g) none of the above

Today I will:
a) call a sitter so I can make my monthly meeting
b) find a way to take a nap today
c) write more entries in my blog while the kiddos are eating
d) shower
e) clean the house
f) any or all of the above
g) none of the above

I look:
a) like Hell (though no one will tell me)
b) like I need a shower
x) like crazy Aunt Mildred (don't look her directly in the eyes or she'll explode!)
z) well enough though if you hadn't blinked you might have caught an evil gleam in her eye
3) 5 pounds lighter than I was 2 weeks ago
@) any or all of the above
g) none of the above

I need:
a) time to turn back two weeks
b) more food for my fridge
c) more kleenex
d) a shower
e) a winning lottery ticket
f) a hug
g) to have my favorite attorney here
h) any and all of the above

You must forgive me for:
a) not returning your messages or emails promptly
b) not returning your dishes because I can't remember what belongs to who
c) not being showered
d) for spacing out on you while you're talking
e) any and all of the above

Today I am wearing:
a) black shirt
b) black pants
c) black undergarments
d) nothing but a smile albeit a crazy smile
e) yesterday's clothes because I forgot to change
f) exercise clothes because it's been 2 weeks since I've been to the gym

The saddest thing I've heard today:
a) "I can't play with my Daddy because he's dead."
b) "Mommy, I ate all of the chocolate cheesecake."
c) "You need a shower."
d) any of the above
e) all of the above

I might ____ to find some peace:
a) search my heart to find forgiveness
b) eat whatever chocolate I can find
c) buy a new BOB
d) go exercise
e) any of the above
f) all of the above

Double check your answers before submitting them and neatness counts!

I actually remember dreaming last night... not real sure of where I was at but I had to go tell someone of his passing... I vaguely remember climbing up the side of a crag with a mountain bike in tow and there being a man there encouraging and cheering as I climbed... you must understand that I am terrified of heights though it is not uncommon to find me on top of a ladder if need be but you will never find me rock climbing because there are too many variables that I cannot control... in the dream I had to find a person who would have carried much guilt about Chris' death and this person was embodied in what looked to be a troll... I had gotten over my fear of the height from scaling this mountain side and now the prospect of telling this troll and sharing a moment of comfort was no longer the daunting task I thought it would be... there is so much symbolism to be had if I wanted to decipher my dream... it makes me question what I should do concerning his girlfriend because I waffle between wanting her to bare the full weight of what I know to be true and allowing her to go peacefully into the night... I could wash my hands of her and go about our lives as though she never existed... a tiny blip on our history... I could emotionally annihilate her and legally force her to release what is rightfully my children's... I could forgive her... what does it say about me when I treat the least of us with vengeance instead of mercy? I'm afraid that if I take the lesser path that it could cause irreparable harm to my psyche... it would be easy to lash out in pain and no one would blame me for doing so... but I often make my daughter read passages from The Road Less Traveled and wonder how I could be the mother that she needs if I became a hypocrite...

Another restless night... I cannot sleep so I have been doing some much needed cleaning... if I oversleep at least the house will be ready for business in the morning... as I've been cleaning I've been talking to Chris... some of it in utter disbelief that he is truly gone... I was sitting at my friend's house last week and I was dumbstruck by what I saw... in my purse was sitting a twisty-tie ring... one of those that you mindlessly make when you're young... much like the one Chris made for me the first time we talked of marriage... I never got a real engagement ring from him, nor did it bother me much because when you're being swept off of your feet it matters not that the ring on your finger is two carats or a simple twisty-tie from your dry cleaning... what I couldn't get over was the fact that this ring was sitting in my purse right after we had come from our private viewing of him... it had always been a joke between us and I doubt I had made one nor told anyone of this in years... and here it still sits in my purse... spooky...

I'm also fighting the urge to write a rather scathing open letter to his girlfriend... I have had a glass of wine while I've been cleaning (mostly because I'm trying to make room in my refrigerator because of all of the food people have been bringing over and it's one less bottle to have in there) and I feel compelled to write a letter to this woman who has brought much pain into my life... she will never confess to her culpability to me but she knows she has some guilt... yet she does not know that full extent of how she was instrumental in his demise... I have never told her everything because I am aware that she is in a fragile state and what I have to tell her would push her over the edge... I am trying so hard to not be that mean but it is a struggle to turn the other cheek...

Much has weighed heavily on my mind and I took a little time out for myself... my wonderful friend, Kari, was having us over for dinner but had offered to have the kids over a few hours early so I could have time for myself... I told her I would call after we got back from church to see when would be a good time and pondered what to do with my free time... I had gotten a spa certificate from a friend but I needed to make an appointment to do that so I called my friend, Joseph, instead to see if they could squeeze me in for a massage... Joseph's been a sweetheart and is one of my movie buddies and it doesn't hurt that he and his mother have a great little spa around the corner from my house... it's a very cozy shop that I can always count on when I find myself with a few free hours and they've always accommodated me even on ten minutes notice... I think the world of his family and was happy to hear that he could make time for me today... I did not know until after I got there that they were not really open that day... he was only there because they were hanging a mirror and doing a few odds and ends but he took my appointment because he knew I needed it... poor guy... he just got his license and the first time he massaged me he wasn't prepared for the knots I have in my shoulders... I told him they felt like bricks and that no one has ever truly been able to get them out... I think his hands were sore for a few days after that first time and I'd tease him that he'd need to work out a little to build up the strength in his hands to handle me... well, today he could have told me they're closed and I would have understood but he didn't... instead he readied my room and spent an hour and a half trying to ease my pain and did manage to put me to sleep... he took such good care of me and then refused to allow me to pay him for his time... he has such a wonderful heart, just like all of the rest of the people I have been blessed to have in my life... I truly believe in karma and you get back what you put out there so I must have done something right along the way to have so many friends be as kind and loving as they've been...

Another thing I keep hearing over and over (and maybe I've already written about it but my mind's still hazy) is that "You're such a strong person"... it makes me chuckle every time I hear it because I have never thought of myself in those terms... I know when I want or need something there is little doubt that I will eventually get my way... it doesn't occur to me that anything is out of my reach and I have no problem taking charge of a situation so it will have the outcome that I find most desirable... seems a bit arrogant but not many people have stopped and questioned me as to my credentials and if I have the authority to do whatever it is that I'm doing... so when they say that I'm a strong person and that they have little doubt that I can survive this tragedy it steels my will as I push forward with trying to handle all of the legal mess I have before me... I'm not certain of its outcome but I will definitely land on my feet... thank you for all of you who have been here for our family... there have been moments when I have had doubts about how things may turn out but all of you have helped in ways that are hard to express with mere words... you all are my shining stars who have helped me navigate these murky waters and keep me on course... this journey has only just begun but I see Hope on the horizon...

How many times do you mindlessly walk past people or wave at your friends and really wonder what's going on in their lives? Do you truly know their hearts and their heartaches? We are all there for the happy times when we gather for Christmas and 4th of July but are we present when they're sad or angry? These last 10 days have opened my eyes to the people I have in my life and I know who cares simply because they have put their arms around me, have prayed for me, emailed, called, and sometimes just sat with me while I try to find the words for my grief... how many times have we stopped to really listen with loving hearts and have asked our friends what we can do for them or just put a card in the mail to let them know they've been on our minds? How many times have we been kind to total strangers and have just smiled at them? My uncle took me out for dinner the other night so I could be away from everyone and talk about whatever I needed to get out but on our way out of the restaurant he stopped by the table behind us and asked whose birthday it was... all we could hear from our table was them singing "Happy Birthday" but because of the way the tables were set up we couldn't see who the guest of honor was... so he stopped and asked and then handed the birthday guy a gold dollar... not a huge amount but a small token to help celebrate a birthday of a total stranger as we were leaving... I doubt we'll ever see those people again but I do know that it made him smile to have his special day acknowledged... something I used to tell the girls who worked for me when I was a manager at a children's clothing store is to be kind to every person that came in and treat them like they are your honored guest... I knew firsthand that stay-at-home moms go shopping not usually just to spend money to justify their existence, but went out for the adult interaction that you cannot get when you are trapped in a house with small children... I'm not saying there's anything wrong with staying at home to raise your children and that it's a very rewarding opportunity if you can afford to do so, but what I do know is it's hard to get validation from a husband who works long hours and is too tired to contribute and it's hard to get into a playgroup unless you already know someone who has kids the same age... so these women are out there looking for simple validation that they are alive and have worth... that's all any of us are looking for... validation that we are worthy to be loved and that our lives have value... I guess Chris never could see his own worth and it saddens me that he didn't see what I saw in his heart... but the silver lining in all of this is I see the good and the love that are in those who have surrounded me and that I still have the capacity to be good and loving... this experience will not diminish my abilities to be the friend that I have always been nor will it harden my heart to the Love that is out there...

I truly thought I was doing better... I got through yesterday without crying and thought that each day would get a little bit easier... with it being Sunday, I felt it was best to get back into our routine and go back to church... I normally teach Sunday School for the 4 year olds during the 10:15 service and attend the 11:30 service because I enjoy the singing... it's not the old hymns that the older generations are accustomed to, it's the contemporary music that makes it feel like girls choir... sing as loud as you like just as long as you sing... I could feel myself getting choked up a bit as I saw some of my friends that have called or sent along their well wishes but had not actually seen... there were the hugs and condolences that are to be expected and a few of my friends who wanted to fill me in on a few things that will be coming our way as everyone will be dropping off meals and groceries to our house for the near future... I needed to be in the sanctuary and get back to my safe harbor... the same place that held me as I was newly divorced was now also my refuge for yet another new stage of my life... I expected to hear some uplifting sermon, sing a few songs, and get out of there in my usual manner as I picked up the kids from each of their classes... what I did not expect was the river of tears that gently rolled from my eyes as I sang each song... I did not expect to be crying silently for the pain that I have been feeling and holding inside... I did not think it was possible for the human body to shed as much liquid as I have over these past 10 days and still have more to give... I know this grieving process is going to take much longer than 10 days but I still hope every morning that this will be a day that can be normal...