The salsa class last night was exactly what I needed... I feel much more like my normal busy self... the lack of oxygen to my body was dragging me down... way down... but throw in a little rhythm and an hour of music where I wasn't thinking about anything was precisely what the doctor ordered... I woke up in a great mood and have been a bit euphoric all day... add in the glistening snow and the excitement of all of the kids as we watched it come down, there wasn't much that could dampen my mood... I even baked today... an activity that I would normally be up to my elbows in with flour and sugar all over but today was a day for my favorite... oatmeal raisin butterscotchie cookies... mmm mmm mmm... yum... with a nice cold glass of milk... and now I've been practicing the new moves I've learned... I look so silly doing it... nothing like the instructor or some of the other girls who go to salsa clubs, but the dancing takes me back to the days of performing... learning new routines and nailing them on the first try... now I have to work a bit harder to move as graceful as I once did but I'll get there... so with a little cha cha, I am on my way back...

It is snowing... in Texas... and it makes me laugh and smile as memories come flooding back... the first snow of the season always amazes me as it is a rare sight here... I know that it will never stay too long... it probably won't even accumulate but that doesn't lessen the feelings I get... this year the memory that came first was our trip to Denver for Thanksgiving 2004... Chris and I took the kids to my sister's for Thanksgiving and I can tell you how much fun it was that a drive that takes me 13 hours by myself took 15 1/2 hours with the family... the kids needed to get out and stretch their little legs and Chris had to stop and smoke... I drove most of the way and was a little disappointed that we got to Denver after the sun had set... I wanted the kids to experience the first time seeing the Rocky Mountains as I had... floating snow caps in the distance where you could just make out the purplish outline of the mountains... for me it had been breathtaking... I wanted them to feel the same... but it was not destined to be that way... we arrived in the early evening and we switched drivers... I let Chris drive as I told him which way to go... and then Chris was panicked... then I realized what it was... there was snow coming down and it was as if he had never seen it before, let alone have to drive in it... now I moved here from upstate New York where the Alaskan troops did their winter training and this was nothing to be worried about... I laughed as I allayed his fears... the ground was too warm for the snow to stick... we'd be fine and we were only 30 minutes away from my sister's... we arrived in one piece and that was our last Thanksgiving together as a family... it was a bittersweet trip for us as a couple but the kids had a great time... it didn't snow for the rest of our stay but there was enough behind my sister's house for Hannah to make a little snowman... she still talks about that snowman... it's the last one she's been able to make... so maybe this winter we'll get another chance for a new snowman as we have our new set of firsts...

I have finally taken the first real step to getting my life back... tonight I went out though the weather was going to take a nasty turn and went to the gym... a good friend of mine had mentioned our gym has a salsa class on Wednesday nights and since I have to pick up Jack from choir practice at 6 pm there's not a good excuse to not go... it leaves me with enough time to get in a small workout before the instructor puts us through the paces... my whole body aches but I feel good... it was also nice to be somewhere that nobody knew me or my situation so I didn't have to think about anything but putting my feet in the right places... I'm glad I went and hope the exercise gets me out of this funk... I'm tired of feeling blah... I can smile all I want and have fun during the day but the nights have been harder... I fell back into not being able to sleep before 2 or 3 am and my body just can't take that anymore... plus I need to stay fresh because my attorney called and informed me the girlfriend has her own representation and our motion will go to the judge on Monday... I am nervously excited about the possibilities of getting this over with as quickly I can... this is the last step of closing that chapter of my life... who knew that the start of my new decade would hold this much? I just pray that the rest of my thirties will be less dramatic...

Is it worse to be completely ignorant of mindless destruction or to be aware and still do nothing? I ask that because I am very aware that I have been mindlessly eating for the last eight weeks... initially I was eating when I wasn't hungry because Chris' death suppressed my appetite and I knew that I needed to eat to keep up my strength... then I kept on eating as everyone kept bringing meals and groceries, indulging in the treats that I generally never buy... I could have sustained myself by getting back to my workout regiment but I have found it difficult to force myself out of the house and down to the gym... as much as I like new experiences, I am very particular about where I work out and more so when the new gym is constantly busy... my old gym was very small but comfortable... I knew what I needed to do and there was a core group of people who we saw most every day who kept us accountable... yes, I know most of my friends belong to my new gym but this seems harder than when I first started dating... neither one is a comfortable situation... there's that word again... comfortable... can you tell that I'm hesitant to put myself in a new situation... yes, I want to move forward with my life but a part of me wants to withdraw completely and do nothing... and I am aware of that... I am aware that this is not good for my Being... definitely not good for my body... I see that I am still trying to hold on to the way my life was just a few short months ago... back when I was happy most all of the time... today I feel completely spaced out and though I am dressed in workout clothes I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't make it to the gym... I will find a good excuse to not go... I have some projects I need to finish... I need to watch television now that I have cable... I need to sit down and eat another cookie/brownie/whatever chocolate I can find... I can feel the will just drain right out of me... then I think maybe it would be alright since I know I'll be going tomorrow... there's a salsa class that a friend of mine thinks is fun and I know she'll more than likely be there... a sad resignation of my present life... not even really living... just merely existing... I will force myself back outside now to enjoy the weather with the kids before the winter winds arrive... here's to getting at least one foot back on the treadmill...

The holidays are in full swing... most of you should have already received our Christmas card and the big day is only 4 short weeks away... with Turkey Day behind us and the stores now into their extended holiday hours, some of the radio stations have switched to their non-stop rotation of Christmas music... though our tree has been up for quite some time, it didn't really feel like the season had arrived... I guess part of that comes with it still being warm enough to wear shorts... so to get our family into the spirit we are starting a new family tradition... we curled up on the couch and watched The Polar Express... nothing like the magic of Christmas touching the hearts of unbelievers... I remember reading the book years ago and part of the wonder of the season is how it perpetuates itself... we are brought up to believe in a generous man who brings presents to good little children everywhere... we parents often get to use this as a mild threat to keep the kids in line... especially in the age of cell phones and my children believe that Mommy is friends with everyone, including Santa... we hit a point in our lives where we no longer have that magic in our hearts and spread our disdain to our siblings and force our newfound truth on our classmates... but then something wondrous happens... we get to become Santa as we have children of our own... it comes full circle... we become the magic and take delight in watching their little faces light up as they get that one special item that they knew we would never buy for them... and so I'm hoping that my kids will be like that little boy on the Polar Express and will believe... we all should have a little magic in our lives...