For those of you who have been reading along for the last couple of days you'll notice a slight change in the font size... apparently my sister is getting too old and was having a hard time reading the smaller font, so here it is... a tad larger than before though it did occur to me to make it obnoxiously large but she's not that old... not yet anyway... I've just spent an enjoyable evening with a good friend who also brought with her a delightful chocolate cheesecake covered in berries... yummy, yummy, yummy... I have most of it sitting in the fridge though I doubt it will last much beyond tomorrow...
I feel as though I should be holding a press conference and taking questions from the audience... most are interested in what happened and what our last conversation entailed... I will say that it was a loving and caring conversation, much as one would berate a little brother for being stupid, and allowing both of us to feel that we're in a place where we could truly talk to each other about anything... and we did... I'm not sure how many people would call up their ex to talk about relationship issues but we were at a point where we could do that... he did not call me to be angry with me... he did not leave me with any shame nor guilt... I honestly believe in my marriage vows that you stick by your partner 'til death do us part... we may have been divorced but he would still turn to me when he was in a corner... he knew I was a soft place to fall when faced with hardship... and he knew that I would always make time for him if he ever needed me... my uncle was concerned that maybe he had called me to poison my well as Chris would try to do when he was having problems in other areas... I think he knew when he called that this would be it... he was kind, or as kind as he could be in his state of mind, and he admitted that he still loved me... it's comforting to know that after all of the pain of the divorce that he still had good feelings for me though we both knew we weren't right for each other... our final conversation was as much heartfelt as it was heartbreaking... I'm still not sure how I feel about hearing him do the deed but it did take a moment to register what it was that I heard... I have said this so many times and it sounds so odd every time I repeat it... it sounded like when you bump into the corner of your desk and you say "Ow"... it wasn't very loud and all I could hear was a bit of movement as he slumped over... according to the detective who was assigned the case he used an AR-15 hunting rifle and there was no exit wound... there was no cleanup to be done aside from removing him from the house... I guess it was a mortician's dream because there was no reconstruction to be done and he was presentable enough to have an open casket... I did have a couple of friends take pictures during the viewing and funeral though it will be a number of years before I am ready to look... it sounds morbid to have a photo record of that but I think the kids will be appreciative of it 10 years from now... that's part of the project that Jenne's working on for me but she knows there's no hurry for that one... Why did it happen? Well, in my opinion, he has found the love of his life and did like all children do and pushed so he could see where his boundaries were... apparently he crossed a boundary by being with other women and she wouldn't tolerate it... from what he told me she was done, it was over, and he would have to leave... this really did strike fear in him because they had been fighting (and drinking) a couple days before and she called the cops on him and he was arrested... so he had good reason to fear that she may do it again and that they could show up at any time and force him out of there... Chris never did like authority and if the police had shown up this story would have made national news... he had gotten extremely paranoid after being off of his medication for a couple of months and was drinking on top of it all... never ever a good combination... his girlfriend has been very upset that I would tell anyone any of this because it does sound extremely bad and contributes to her sense of guilt... I would never wish ill upon most normal people but she is not normal... she is forcing me through the legal system to recover anything for the kids and for that I will do whatever is necessary... there's a very nasty streak that runs in my family that lays dormant until it is absolutely needed and I'm afraid that this is the time to wake the dragon... anyhoo, it happened because he couldn't stand the prospect of starting over again... he had made this woman his universe and without her it wasn't worth living... she treated him so poorly in the end and my hardest memory of his last hours was listening to him beg her (on his other phone while I was still listening and could hear his end of the conversation) "Where will I go?" over and over... this man did not cry for much as far as I could recall and he cried to her and she didn't care... I can't say that any woman in her shoes would or should act any different but there are special circumstances that you have to consider... you have a bipolar male who has been off of his meds for the last couple of months, he's been drinking, you keep several loaded weapons in the house, you've cut him off from all of his friends and family to keep you happy and him under your thumb, and now you've told him he's got to leave and since you've already had him arrested once this week he's probably going to be fearful that you might do it again... hmmm... not all that surprising when you look at it that way... and so you can see why she's none too pleased with me telling my side... to hear her tell people that "Yeah, he did it while he was talking to Sarah" almost makes it sound as though I pushed him over the edge... as callous as it may be, I needed him alive and making money so we can stay in our house... I needed him to be a good father to our kids and teach Jack how to pee standing up... I needed him in a way that only parents can understand when we support each other... I also selfishly needed him to take the kids so I could get a break from them and attempt to have a life outside of being a mother... I love my kids dearly but I had lost myself being married to him and have spent the last year and a half finding me again... there were so many reasons I was grateful that he was around though there would always be worries... but he was like a rose in that aspect... there are the beautiful parts of him that we loved and needed and then there were the thorns that were just a part of dealing with him... as for the rest of our conversation, I know there was much that we covered but I can only remember bits and pieces... parts of it come back to me when other things are discussed... like did he leave a note? Yes, he did... did I get to see it? No, but I didn't have to because I helped him write it... it was meant to be an apology letter to his girlfriend because you can argue about what you thought he said but you can never argue with what's in black and white... I also know he had to type it up because he couldn't read his own handwriting and I helped him remember what we had said as he wrote it up and printed it out... Did it cross my mind that he would do this? Yes and no... I could hear him playing with the magazine clips and bullets and him loading and unloading it... he's stood on the precipice before but has never jumped... I thought this was just another moment of total lunacy and that if I could talk to him long enough he'd get tired and go to bed... Why didn't I call the police sooner if I thought he might do something? Mostly because he hated the police and he would have shot anyone that came to the house... probably even me... Do I think he would have done this if the kids or his girlfriend were there? Absolutely not... his pain was always manageable as long as there was someone else there and he would never do anything to traumatize the kids... he had been permanently scarred by the factors of his childhood and could not carry that burden and he did not want to leave any burden like that for his own kids... they do not know how or why he did this awful thing and I will not tell them anytime in the next decade... children who are aware of these events often try to repeat them themselves later in life and this is not a legacy that they should have to know about... How are the kids doing? As well as can be expected... they have been playing at all of their friends' houses and haven't spoken of it much today... I don't want them to forget their father but it is nice to go a whole day without them discussing it... How am I doing? Same as the kids... it's been a nice day but I do talk about it every time someone asks and I know people will be asking daily... today was a bit off also because it took a loooong time for that pill to wear off and I felt out of it until almost 3 p.m. I forced some caffeine into my system or else I would have fallen asleep and my dinner guests would have found me in nothing but my bathrobe... not bad if that's how you intend to be found but not when you're supposed to be having company over for dinner... that should cover most all of the questions that everyone has been asking... oh yeah, there is one more... What do you need/what can we do? I honestly don't know what I need right now but if anyone has a winning lottery ticket that would be nice... the hugs and all of the meals that I know will be coming are great and all of the offers for the kids to go play at someone's house so I can get some rest is great... there are a couple of things that I could truly use but there's only one person that can provide those things and unfortunately our schedules aren't in sync for the moment... everything else is taken care of (Thanks Denise and Amy!)...
Right now the hour's getting late and if I pause too long I will drift off... I have to get myself upstairs to bed before that cheesecake starts calling my name... it really is that good...

I did something last night that I would never ever do in any other circumstance... I took a pill that I was unsure of exactly what it was but I did know it was an anti-anxiety pill that Chris had brought home one day almost four years ago... I am Scottish in so many ways in that I don't like to see things go to waste so I'll hang on to them until a need arises... well, as most of you know, I haven't been sleeping well and thought this might be a good way to knock myself out... I should also say that I generally don't take any medications unless I'm on the verge of dying (much like I felt when I was laid out for five days with the flu)... my only exceptions are my allergy medications because I live in Texas where there is always something in bloom and I try to take those only when it gets really bad... so here I sat, scouring the internet trying to figure out exactly what is was that I was about to enter into my system and there were only a couple of pills that looked similar and all I knew is that this was an anti-anxiety pill and hey, it's Friday night and I don't have to be anywhere Saturday until much later... so I downed it with a bottle of water and I grabbed my one of those ice cream cones that are topped with chocolate and peanuts... I had stopped eating ice cream a while back because I have a bridesmaid dress that I need to look good in but my sweet Mother keeps buying us ice cream and I gave in to the temptation... I never did figure out exactly what it was but I woke up this morning with my ice cream treat melted all over my shirt and bed... apparently it knocked me out within in a matter of minutes... so now I'm sitting here eating another one of those ice cream cones while I wait for my stuff to finish washing... I truly feel stoned... it has allowed me to enjoy the flavor and texture of the ice cream, the chocolate coating, the crunch of the peanuts, and my favorite part of all... the bottom of the cone filled with chocolate... apparently this stuff is still in my system because I have to keep going back and editing my words as my typing skills are not as quick as they usually are... I'm hoping this wears off soon because I have to go buy some fish and other fixings since I am having friends over for dinner tonight... this was planned a couple of weeks back and I figured I needed to keep this date since I need my life to feel normal... all of these friends that are coming tonight have been amazing and all came to the viewing and one actually came and was witness to the bizarre funeral... these are people who knew me a decade ago and were there when we all met Chris back in 1997... back when it fell upon my shoulders to be the one to tell him he was being too loud and to keep it peaceful enough for others to enjoy their dinners... I am glad there was only one of those pills in my medicine box because I think it could be easy for me to become dependent on something to make all of the world fade into the background... it's why I haven't been drinking my usual glass of wine to help unwind... I did partake a couple of times but I could see that if I continue down that path it would take me away from where I need and want to be... so this is the end of me using anything to help deaden the pain... most of my financial ducks are in a row and now just have to get through the Social Security bureaucracy so I'll be dealing with the emotional stuff as it starts to bubble up... for now I'm going to run a hot bath, dump in my bath salts and essential oils and crank up Neil Diamond... maybe I'll toss a little Leonard in there too but I'm going to go soak for a while as I wait for my clothes and sheets to go through the wash...

It's Friday the 13th... a very ominous day... it does not bode well for me that this was the second day this week that I overslept... I hate being late for anything and having it happen twice in the same week never leaves me feeling well... I guess that must say a lot about my current state of being... I cannot get to sleep before 12:30 a.m. and I don't remember dreaming at all... I've been startled awake by my obnoxious doorbell and I'm a bit frazzled... today has been another day filled with my lovely attorneys and strategizing about what my next moves will need to be... his girlfriend told me that I would have to get a court order for whatever I needed and would not be lifting a finger to help me in any way... I have had to take a few deep breaths with that one and know that karma is a bitch and so am I... I will have an equal and measured response for her when she returns to the area... apparently she will be going back to Midland to get away from it all... I cannot imagine being in the same house where all of this took place and wouldn't be surprised if she sold everything and moved away... there is a special place in Hell for people like her... not that I'm a big believer in people burning for their sins nor am I one to pass final judgment on her but there is a great deal of suffering that a person with her morals will have to go through... all of this and remembering my final conversation with Chris are much of why I'm not sleeping as well as I'd like to be... I've finally figured that I will be all right as my business is going well enough for me to make ends meet... I've got a few irons in the fire and know that I will be taken care of... I have always managed to land on my feet and I truly believe that I'll be fine... plus my friend, Andrea, dropped off a special surprise for me... like everyone else who have been worried about me not taking care of myself, she felt that I needed a little time away so she got me a gift certificate to a spa so I can take an afternoon to just remove myself from being Mommy and get rejuvenated... I think that will do a world of good as I'm also now looking for a new gym... mine sent out a letter the day that all this happened and said it would be closing the following Monday... I have narrowed my options down to two and will go check them out this weekend because I need some mindless exercise to keep me going... nothing like running on the treadmill to clear your thoughts... I've been a space cadet for the past week and am trying to get my bearings again...

I've been feeling very detached from this whole situation... almost as if it's happening to someone else... I've had so many others tell me which words I should use around the kids and I feel like I've been repeating the same script over and over and over... if I say it enough maybe it will sink in... my problem is I know my personality type... we had to take a test in college so we could see which fields would best suit us... I'm an INTP... introverted, intuitive, thinking, processing... basically it means I live in my head and I overanalyze everything... there isn't too much that I do by accident... I played a lot of chess growing up and we were taught to always be several steps ahead... I can see what I'm doing and where I should be going but it doesn't leave much room for feeling emotions... it's an effort on my part to allow myself to be present enough in a situation to truly feel it and this is not one situation that I want to feel... I can refer back to all of my psychology books from school and can self-diagnose... I'm hyper-aware to others behavior as well as my own and can assess what the next proper move should be... I also believe in fair play and proper etiquette but will have no problem doing what is necessary to handle the affairs for my children... things will get a bit ugly but I know that I will manage just fine and will make it...

This past Friday I had to go buy something appropriate to wear to the viewing and the funeral... though I have a considerable amount of black in my wardrobe, nothing that fit would do and what would do would only fit if I was 40 pounds heavier... the divorce diet was effective and so I went out to do a little retail therapy... after hitting the stores and finding the right outfit, we stopped by my favorite Chinese take out and ordered our dinners... what I love about this place is they give you a free drink while you wait... over by the soda fountain is also a bin filled with fortune cookies... now I know most people grab one, maybe two, but because of the circumstances I felt that I needed a bit more fortune and grabbed a handful... I don't mean 4 or 5, I mean I grabbed 15 fortune cookies and stuffed them inside my purse... I have been eating them mindlessly over the past week and find the fortunes to be somewhat amusing and fitting so I'd like to share them with you...

"Tell those you love that you do." -Okay, easy enough... everyone, I love you... you have been great in this time where I feel lost and uncertain about what the future holds but I know that I love you all!
"Take some time out for yourself." -Well, I've had a lot on my plate and have been rushing around doing all I can for the kids but I promise I will take a few hours and go to my masseuse and have a glass of wine...
"Use your talents. That's what they're intended for." -I laugh at this one because I am never certain what my talents are but I know that I enjoy writing and have one manuscript and several rejection letters...
"You are capable of tremendous creativity." -Yes, I'll admit that I have been the Creative Director for our Moms Club in our neighborhood and was ratted out to the people at church that I could paint... I did build and paint the sets for our Vacation Bible School this summer and have done a few other art pieces for clients here and there... I've also sewn many blankets and other custom pieces and I write a great deal about everything... this is the first time that I've bothered to put in out there for others to openly read...
"Taking a chance at something new in the near future will pay off." -Does this mean that I should plug away at my new manuscript?
"A job well begun is half done." -Not really sure about this one... I know it to be true but which job do I need to begin?
"A routine task will turn into an enchanting adventure." -Maybe this one's about my blog... the enchanting part mostly reminds me of an incredibly sweet attorney who made my birthday very special...
"You have enough energy and enthusiam for two people." -Not two people, three people...
"You will make a name for yourself." -I sure hope so... not real sure in what area I would like to be known but I'd like to be known well enough to always be capable of taking care of my kids...
"You will be unusually successful in business." -I do well enough at the moment but if the fortune cookie says I'll be unusually successful then who's to argue?
"You are going to have a very comfortable retirement." -If all of the other cookies are right then here's to being able to sleep in on a Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday...
"It is quality rather than quantity that matters. Do a good job." -When writing a book both matter... can't have my book look more like a leaflet...
"You have an unusually magnetic personality." -This is one you would have to ask others about... I'm painfully shy in new situations but that statement would make anyone that knows me laugh so hard the chocolate milk would come out their nose... People are drawn to me for whatever reason and tell me things I doubt they would admit to too many others... good thing this blog isn't a gossip column...
"We would often be sorry if our wishes came true." -Two things that I've wished for over the past couple of years that I am sorry for coming true... 1) Wishing my ex would cheat on his girlfriend... I believe in karma and I had always hoped that she would know the pain that she caused me... unfortunately the pain of her leaving him after he admitted that he cheated was more than he could handle... 2) Wishing that I could make all of the decisions on how to raise our children... yes, I admit that I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to what they're exposed to but never would I have wished for this to happen like it did...
"Good luck is coming your way." -After what has happened, things can only get better... I sure do hope that this cookie's right... maybe I should play all of the lottery numbers that were on each fortune...

Now please don't worry that I am leaving my life in the hands of the almighty fortune cookie writers... but if for some reason I come across one that is specifically addressed to me I might take more notice...

I will say something shocking and I hope you all are sitting down... I love lawyers... yes, you heard me right... I love lawyers... there has to be something said for those who are able to make an emotional situation very cut and dry... it sucks right now because there is so much legal work to be handled and since I am the evil ex-wife, I technically have no rights but as the guardian of the children I have a duty to act on their behalf... so here I am professing my devotion to a group that is often cast as pariahs and sharks... I don't even know who's been appointed the executor of his estate but I do know that I have a legal leg to stand on... his girlfriend was deemed his commonlaw wife by the medical examiner so they could release his body and make the funeral arrangements... but under Texas law, since they were engaged and she even stated as much in the obituary she wrote, that is a public declaration that they were not yet married, though they did plan on doing so in the future... focusing on the legal side of these matters has helped me to not get upset so far... it almost feels like a normal day since Chris always kept me on my legal toes in the event he wanted something that he knew I would balk at... he had no other leverage over me and the courts were his only option if I was less than agreeable...

The busy work of my morning has helped a great deal... I fear that I hurt even more than I'm currently willing to admit to myself... I can be the best support for the kids in dealing with their emotions but I have yet to really let it all out... I have been crying intermittently and talking non-stop about how I'm doing, how the kids are doing, and what really happened to everyone that has called or stopped by. I had my first counseling session yesterday and it went as well as one could hope... the jumble of emotions has been unexpected... the sadness and anger weren't surprising... I was not expecting to feel relief but in a lot of ways I do... I no longer have to worry about the threat of being taken back to court... no matter how well we were getting along and behaving like good parents should, I always knew that he would pull out that threat instead of asking nicely or compromising... I no longer have to worry that he will drink and drive with the kids in the car... I no longer have to worry about who they might be left with because they will no longer be around people that I don't trust... they know who they are and they know why I don't trust them to protect my babies... so for that I am relieved...

One other thing that I feel worth mentioning is about photographs... I had spent some time with one of my best friends going through all of our photos (sorry Jenne, I know there are a few thousand of them) because she offered to help organize them into albums and I've been looking at a lot of pictures over the past week... I'm currently staring at my neighborhood ID tag and the picture on it (taken 2 days before our lives were shattered)... I insisted on getting a new photo because I've changed quite a bit since my last one that was taken 4 years ago and because I have spent the last year and a half finding that smile... for any of you who knew me in high school, you know that I always had a big smile on my face and that was the main reason I was a front row dancer in our show choir... it took a long time to find that smile and now I'm wondering how long it will be before this sadness leaves me and I can smile like that again...

What amazes me is how my son has not really cried at the loss of his father... he did get sad and cried a little the morning of the funeral but hasn't shown much emotion otherwise... I know that boys and girls are wired different and they are also socially conditioned to behave in what is deemed appropriate but it seems to me that he is far too young to have already been programmed to not cry... his emotions have surfaced in other areas... he has been quite a bit more physical that his usual boy self and will cry uncontrollably when I've finally put my foot down and cut off the supply of Bluebell ice cream sandwiches... I'm trying my best to walk that fine line between allowing them time to grieve in whatever way they need and keeping them in check before they believe that this behavior is acceptable under every circumstance... Jack has passed out on the kitchen floor for the moment, sucking his thumb, guarding the refrigerator so no one else can reach the ice cream before he is allowed to have more...

The two hardest things I've heard so far:
"I'm sad because Daddy will never come pick me up again." -Jack
"Does this mean I'll have to get a new Daddy?" -Hannah

I sat here last night and listened to Leonard Cohen's "If It Be Your Will" and bawled my eyes out... it was the first song that they played at the funeral and the only part of the entire service I believe that they did right... Chris and I used to listen to Leonard all of the time when we first started dating, often spending hours in his garden-sized bathtub singing along to the morbid lyrics until the water got cold... it was sadly appropriate for this occassion and I couldn't hold back the tears any longer... I cried for all of the heartache he would never again cause me, for all of the arguments we would never have, and for all of love I felt for him though he didn't deserve it... he could never understand why I loved him unconditionally through all of the hell he put me through but I did... I loved him for the way he used to make me laugh... I loved him for the way he swept me off my feet when I resisted going out with him in the first place... I loved him for 8 years of ups and downs and for giving me two precious babies... I loved him for introducing me to Leonard and forcing Neil Diamond on me... now all I have are memories of a man I had spent many years at odds with but had recently forgiven... he really was trying to work on our relationship because he knew that the best thing we could do as parents is to get along... and now I'm left with that song...

I've woken up this morning to the sound of rain... rain washing away the earth, cleansing our lives of the events of the past few days... this is a new day for our little family... it is now just the three of us and what I do today will set the tone of this new chapter... sadness has crept in between the raindrops and reminds me that nothing is permanent in this life... nothing is guaranteed to be there for as long as you'd like... I sit here and stare at his wedding ring... yes, I'd kept it after all this time... I honestly tried to pawn it after he left it in my makeup drawer the day he moved out but they told me it was only worth $40 and I know we spent way more than that on the damn ring so I kept it and tossed it in a drawer... I thought about digging it out after I bought a new sledge hammer but never did really put in the effort to find it... then this happens... it takes me a while to remember that I still had it but I knew where it was and I put it on... I'd been wearing it along with all of the other important jewelry that he'd given me... a sterling silver Luchenbooth pendant (a heart with a thistle wearing a crown) that he'd brought back from Scotland when we first met... it was meant to be given to the one you intend to marry... the heart is for love and the crown is for loyalty... I used to joke about wearing it after the divorce because he was never faithful but he always knew that I was to him... it was also a part of our Scottish heritage that both of us were very proud of... I'd also worn the emerald and diamond ring he bought me for my 27th birthday that I had stopped wearing a couple of years ago, but his wedding band was something that meant more to me to have on because I was the only one he had actually married... his girlfriend put his silver ring on him and for all those that didn't know him well enough would have thought that they were married but I made sure that I wore it more for my peace of mind knowing that I was his only wife and nothing that she did could erase that... this wedding band that I now have to save to pass on to his son when he's old enough to have it... so now I have to decide whether to hold on to the anger I have been feeling or if I'm going to release it and let it go... I have to let go of the anger I have for her leaving him alone in his volatile state... I have to let it go that he will never have another moment with his children again... I have to let it go that he won't get to be there for any more birthdays, Christmases, Thanksgivings... he won't be there to see them make the honor roll and he won't be there to see them graduate... and he won't be there to walk our daughter down the aisle and have their Father Daughter Dance... he won't be there to give our son dating advice or teach him how to drive... I have to let it go that he won't be physically present for any of those milestones in their lives... I have to let go of the sadness and allow the rain to wash away the pain I have in my heart... today is a new day... it'll take many many more to ever come close to being normal again but the sun will keep rising each day whether I'm ready for it to or not... so I will go and stand in the rain and pray that it will cleanse my heart and prepare me for the new day...

Death is a funny thing… it impacts every person in a different way and each thinks the other is way out of line in how they’re dealing with their grief… I, personally, went into crisis mode when confronted with the loss of my ex-husband… he and I had finally gotten beyond most of our differences and we were making strides towards doing all that one can do when they're trying to raise children between two households... I called him one evening to see when he planned on seeing the kids and could tell he was upset... we talked briefly and we agreed he would see the kids soon... later he calls and starts pouring out all that had happened and told me why he was so upset... he and his girlfriend had a major fight because he was trying to be honest and admitted he cheated on her... like any woman would do, she got angry and she left... she needed some space and went out into the night... after not being able to get a hold of her, he calls me and tells me how he thinks she's going to throw him out and that he doesn't know what he's going to do... we spend almost two hours on the phone talking about how I think he's an idiot for admitting such a thing considering he never would cop to cheating on me during our marriage until after he left... I put in my two cents about how she needs time to be angry so let her have this time and things will work out in the morning... I'm a big believer in letting things rest until the morning light so we don't rush into anything that we can't take back... during the course of this conversation our kids go by and I make each of them say "I love you, Daddy" and gave them each a moment to talk to him... I thought that would help him see that there wasn't so much despair in his life because he has two beautiful children who adore him... we reach a point where I thought he would go to bed and rest so I hang up with him and call his girlfriend... she and I speak for a few minutes, just long enough for me to know that she's upset and will be staying at a hotel for the night... I call my ex back to let him know that she's all right and she'll be back in the morning... I could tell from the way he was talking he was highly agitated and I could hear him playing with his gun... he makes his intentions fairly clear and we play our usual hang up/call back routine... the last time I managed to call back he said good-bye and then he shot himself in the heart... it took me a moment to realize what he had done and then all I know is that I'm screaming into the phone for him to pick up the f*cking phone or I'll call the police... with my heart in my throat, I pick up my other line and call 911... I barely remember talking to the operator but I stayed on the other line with my ex until the police found him... I found myself in front of his house with all of the police cars lined up and down the street and time stood still... I notice bright flashes through the shades as the investigators take the crime scene photos... it has been so surreal and now I sit on the last hours of the last day I will ever be in his presence...
It hasn't hit me yet that I'll never see him again... I've been so focused on getting everything in place for our kids... our daughter just turned 7 a little over a month ago and she's old enough to know that he is never coming back... our son is 4 and he hasn't a clue... he'll look at you and tell you his Daddy's heart stopped and he's dead in the same tone he'd tell you the sky is blue... I have been on auto-pilot because I know I have to keep it together to help them make it through these few days as we try to achieve some levels of normalcy... we said our good-byes and we sat through his service as we heard his father talk about him from when he was a child... none of it was anything recent and not once did he mention me, though I'd spent 8 years with the guy... I say this because I am angry... angry that I had to get permission from his girlfriend to be able to take our children to see their Daddy... angry that she only left us with 30 minutes to privately say our good-byes... angry that there was a family-looking photo and if you did not know that I existed you would have thought that those were her kids... angry that the obituary also sounded as though they were her children... angry that had I not made an enormous collage to make my presence known you would've have asked me if I was an aunt as someone who attended the funeral did... it hurt more to be purposely omitted from the memorial to his life... these were people who professed their love and always said that I'm still a part of their family yet declined to include me in on any part and allowed the woman who slept with my husband to have the place of honor at his funeral... the woman who was the catalyst for our divorce was now also the catalyst for his death... don't get me wrong... he was bipolar and would have eventually done this at some point, but we might have had another day, week, or month with him... he might have been able to have one last Halloween with his kids... all of the "what ifs" that will haunt her for the rest of her life... that is the guilt she has to live with... for me, he gave me the gift of knowing that he turned to me when he was alone... he gave me his last hours in this world and set things right... he trusted me enough to know that I would be there for him unconditionally and that I would take care of whatever was necessary... never did I believe he would truly pull the trigger but he gave me the ability to tell our daughter that Mommy was talking to Daddy when his heart stopped and that I called for help to come as quickly as possible... he also left me knowing that he went quickly and didn't have to suffer any more... he left me without having an ounce of guilt and for that I am thankful... Chris, you selfish bastard, you didn't have to do this but rest assure that I will raise our children to still believe that you hung the moon...