This coming Sunday will mark 10 months for us and I wanted to reflect a little on how much (and how little) has changed... I have been thinking about updating this blog for the last week or so but yesterday's events brought a few things to a head...

My day started off as most others... I was waiting for the first kids to arrive as I checked my emails and finished up other morning chores when my phone rang... since it was my cell phone that rang I thought maybe it was my family calling... the number came up as one from Oklahoma and it never occurred to me to not answer it, after all that's where my Grandfather lives... I answer the phone and it's Chris' mom... not exactly how I want to start off my day... she wanted to come down to spend some time with the kids and now that they live in Oklahoma they can make a day trip of it... let's just say that I was less than thrilled... I told her that I worked until 5:30 pm and that we could possibly go have dinner... she really wanted to come down during the day but I told her I wanted to be there because I don't know how the kids are going to react and that they are my first concern... that shifted her questioning to wanting us to come up there and I told her that I work all week and every Sunday so I really would rather not spend my only day off driving and staying the night would be hard... that's when the phone got handed off to her husband and left me with little choice about the fact that they would be here for dinner...

I was more in shock than anything else... they said they would call to verify that they were actually coming and as the day wore on I heard nothing... that didn't mean that they weren't coming... it just meant that they forgot to call... I started to panic about all the possibilities that could happen... what would they say to the kids? How will the kids react to them since they haven't seen them since the funeral? Will this cause Jack to start wetting the bed again since he just stopped? What if they accidentally slip up and say something about how Chris died? Every scenario danced through my head and I was feeling the pressure of what this visit could mean...

It might not shock you that his dad has since gone back to being a minister for those of you who witnessed his dad's bizarre eulogy... what gets me is a church actually accepted him into their fold and he is supposed to be a leader among his congregation... given his history and his choice of people he calls friends, he is the last person I believe should ever be leading any congregation... he is personable but his values are those of a by-gone era... and one of his close friends told my father at Chris' wake that he encourages all of his white members of his congregation that they should have as many children as possible so the lesser heathens wouldn't take over... that was a very sweet comment said to my dad in front of my lesser heathen Mom... and now I was faced with having this racist man and his Bible beating wife in my home...

I could feel the panic set in... Jack kept looking at me because he couldn't figure out why I was crying... I needed to talk and Gerry was fortunately able to calm me down... Jenne was also able to cancel her plans for the evening so she could be here when the fun arrived... it makes me feel blessed that I can count these two as best friends... without them I'm not sure how well I would have handled the situation...

I was afraid that I would break down... I had gone on auto-pilot after Chris' death and took care of what was necessary as opposed to checking my emotions... I was able to stuff them down long enough to function... I distracted myself with time with my friends... but as the summer wore on I became acutely aware that both of my best friends were moving... one to the neighborhood behind mine and the other to the west coast... both people who have been there for every hard milestone and they were both going... I know it doesn't mean that I won't ever get to see them or talk to them again but it brought back a lot of the emotions I was feeling about Chris and my not being ready to part with either of them... just as I was not ready to let Chris go... this all made me realize that I never fully addressed my issues with his death...

I am a planner... I like to make lists and like to have them in triplicate... I like to be prepared and have time lines for when events are going to occur... I do not like the unexpected... it bothers me... a lot... his death was not something I had planned for... and part of me is still mad that he's dead... that he was able to escape the turmoil that he left behind and that I was there, as usual, cleaning up his mess... and part of me is happy that he's gone... happy to not have to fight with him and not feel constant pressure to anticipate his moods... I have spent these last almost 10 months in relative peace... no one making my life any harder than it already is and most people being very understanding and loving... I guess I should be feeling some guilt for it but when I search my soul, I don't have any guilt... I wouldn't change much about the way I handled myself... the only thing I may have done is be more assertive after his death in recovering his property from his ex because she still has a good deal of his stuff (though from what I was told yesterday she sold a bunch of his stuff)...

Now I am waiting for the rest of the fallout from his parents' visit... I'm waiting to see how the kids will do and am trying to figure out where all of my anger is coming from... actually I know where it comes from, but I don't know why it's still there... I am ready for my life to be full of joy again... I am ready to be surrounded solely by people who love me... I am ready for the kids to be happy normal kids... I am ready to let all of this pain go...