I had a moment of brilliance in this murky mire that has become my life... I just wrote a 22 page children's book from my daughter's perspective of what happened the day I told her that her Daddy died, her view of the funeral arrangements, and what she has been told about her emotions in dealing with her new life without her Daddy... I'm hoping that she will help me out and do the illustrations for each page... I think this will be a good keepsake for her to flip back through in later years and may submit this to the publishing world... if anyone has a connection in that field, please feel free to let me know!
Blah... blah... blah...I'm having a hard time constructing a single thought for the moment... I am struggling with my allergies moving from my head down into my lungs... I've had a wicked cough for the last few days and I've found an OTC drug that seems to be helping but now I have a dry cough and tickle... it's almost as if someone's trying to tell me to take a few days off but I can't... I have most of tomorrow free... I think I'm going to pick up a few filing bins so I can get my papers organized and put away... I'd like to find my bedroom floor again... there is also a rather high probability that I won't get much of anything done but I'm willing to live with it... Today has been almost nice... it was the last day for one of my day care kids and I was so glad to see them go... the little girl was incredibly sweet when I got her nine months ago but back then she was the youngest and was still being babied... now that I have a couple others that are younger and require more attention, she seems to act out more and was going head to head with Jack every other moment... one of the blessings of Chris' passing is that it was a perfect excuse to boot them out of here... I cannot stand those that are disloyal... the mother almost pulled her daughter out without giving me any notice and the only reason she didn't is no one would or could take her daughter... one person she interviewed with is someone who knows me and called to give me a heads up... ever since then I've been waiting for a time when I would be in a position to get rid of them... and the last day has finally come and I'm free of one more headache... I hate to think of any child as being a brat but my goodness... there are some parents who will profess that their child doesn't behave like that at home, but at home the child is getting their way... I am a bit more rigid in having rules and providing boundaries... and I know kids will push to check their limits but after nine months the child should know to not stand up on the stools and to do what is asked the first time, if not the second time... not throw a raging fit that sounds as if someone was murdering her... so yes, I had a happy moment today as the door closed on that pair for the last time and I can now have more peace in my home... And believe it or not, it's 9:32 p.m. and I'm still working... I'll have the two brothers here for maybe another half hour or so... hopefully not longer than that because I am ready to go to bed... even with knowing that we'll be alright financially, I still can't pass up an opportunity to make a little more money... I'm stockpiling for all of the legal bills that I know are coming and if they prove to be less than I thought then I can start getting the house back in order and finally have windows and doors that don't let all of the weather in... so now I'm going to finish my glass of wine and enjoy this moment of quiet as everyone is laying down and hopefully drifting off to sleep...
I guess if I think it and then another person says it, it must be true... I was talking to my minister today and was telling her about how I've been feeling and it seems that we've both reached the same conclusion... I've hit the depression stage of my grief and I'm hoping that it won't last too long... I'm up and functioning, though some days better than others, and I'm trying to do everything I can to stay on top of my life but it's getting hard... one of the things I didn't realize that I was mourning for was my loss of freedom... odd thing... I had been happy about being divorced because it meant I had every other weekend to myself and could go out and do whatever I wanted... it meant I could totally sleep in and not get out of bed or I could be on the go... I could see grown up movies where there's not a single cartoon anywhere and stay out as late as I wanted... I planned all of my dates for those weekends and got to have as much fun as I wanted... I know I could do all of that still if I really wanted to but it's not the same anymore... maybe it was good to have this last year "off" from being a mother 24/7 and getting back to what was important to me... it seems that I will be putting my "wild" side on the back burner for now as we continue to regroup... so funny to think that my wild side consists of going to an R-rated movie and having a glass of wine... maybe staying out until 11 pm... yep... wild and crazy... I'd much rather be home these days anyway... I've dumped the contents of my closets and although the clothes and shoes have found a home, I still have boxes of files to go through... I opened one box up and found some of the papers I wrote in college and I found an old Valentine's card from Chris... back from the first year we were together and we still liked each other... you can love someone without liking them and I distinctly remember when he gave me this card... we liked each other a whole lot... I keep finding memories tucked away in all of these boxes... it's much harder than I would have thought to make it through... I guess I'm doing a good job... at least that's what everyone's telling me... but now I have to get the rest of me up to speed... I just wish the frustrations would stop... I wish there was a happy ending to all of this mess... but I know all I can do is make the most of each day that I have... that each day is a gift and I have to treat it as such... these last five weeks have been a horrible blur and it amazes me that my emotions are just now really catching up... time is all that I've got now to help make it better... that and the legal system... so my mind is all jumbled for the time... some of it due to my allergy and cold medication... some of it from dealing with our situation... either way we'll make it through...
Life has been a haze a allergy medications and kleenex these last few days... our pot luck dinner was fun and the chocolate cake went over pretty well... we also had a wine tasting at the beginning of our dinner so that in conjunction with the medicine I had taken left me a little loopy that evening... for all of you that were there I'm sure you noticed I was out of it... I'm hoping that is all due to the medication instead of me becoming depressed... it's hard to tell... it all feels about the same... the last time I felt like this was when I had post-partum depression after each of the kids were born... either way I don't like it... my mind has yet to really focus on any particular task and my short term memory seems to be shot... I forget details and it's getting a bit embarrassing that I can't remember to take items along to where they need to be or return a phone call... my head is full and I wish I could focus... I feel like I'm behind in a lot of areas and would like to be back at my usual capacity where I'm juggling three or four events and still making all of my deadlines... this has forced me to slow my life down and evaluate all of my priorities... I've now attending two of our Moms Club events where I haven't done a single thing except to show up... being out of the loop has been odd but I'll be back with all of that after the holidays... is it going to take me that long to recover? I know everyone recovers at their own pace and there is no timeline to be back at 100%... I want to be fine... I want to normal... or at least as normal as I was before... I also want to not feel completely exhausted all of the time... I can never get enough sleep these days even when I go to bed early... I'm looking forward to this weekend because this is the first Saturday I won't have to do too much and I can sleep in a bit... that's the part that worries me right now... I feel as though I'm slipping down the rabbit hole and won't be able to find my way back...
Life can be cruel... I have a pot luck dinner tonight and I'm bringing a dessert... not just any dessert... but one of my Halloween cake concoctions where I raid the kids' candy to see what I can use for a cake... after a little digging I have found enough Snicker bars to add to my chocolate cake mix along with a little sweet potato... no, I'm not kidding... usually I add pureed black beans for added fiber but in light of the holiday theme I went with the sweet potatoes... I love making monster creations because they turn out a little different each time... this one proved to be a success as it is very decadent and is now under a layer of homemade chocolate frosting that has a few Milky Ways melted in for good measure... I can almost feel myself slipping into my usual holiday mode... a time when my inner Betty Crocker takes over and I start baking cakes and cookies for the masses... now the cruel part is the weather has been shifting and my allergies are in full force... I can barely taste anything because my head is stuffy and I'm hoping that my medication kicks in before I go to the dinner tonight... events like these keep me moving... some days I find myself talking out loud, usually aimed at Chris, but when it gets busy I have a hard time dwelling too much on what's happened... my life has turned into a big soap opera and I am forced to laugh... all I'm missing is Prince Charming on a white steed to rescue me... not that I need rescuing... I've always thought of my life as pretty boring and predictable because nothing exciting ever happened... the biggest upset in my life was getting the flu a couple of years ago and had to miss Open House at the preschool after we had worked so hard to pull it all together... now I've got drama and intrigue as daily partners and waiting for the next installment can be a little much... a friend of mine sees everything as a film and I told him I see life as a book... all of the characters have incredible back stories and there's a bit of wonder as to where the story will lead... mine's still being written and I'm just waiting for it to unfold... I've taken as much action as I possibly can for now and just have to let the legal system do its job... before I know it, Christmas will be here and time will hopefully start to make all of the pain fade away... I miss him... I miss all of the aggravation of coordinating our schedules so the kids can see him... there's never going to be any of that again... it's finally starting to sink in that I am completely on my own raising these kids... I know I can do it but it doesn't make missing him any easier... incredible that I still have feelings for him after all that we've been through... I never wanted him back but I was glad that he would always be a part of my life... I was finally getting the relationship with him that I had wanted and now I have to hold him up so the kids can remember him... I may gloss over the fact that he was an asbent father for the first five years and almost let Jack drown in the pool because he was too busy drinking... (Jack thankfully was pulled out of the pool by one of our neighbors who has since become one of my friends though I was unaware of what she had done when I met her)... I may gloss over the fact that he was never fully committed to our marriage because I'm hoping to instill in the kids that marriage is sacred and should not be taken lightly... I'm hoping to teach Jack how to properly treat a woman and teach Hannah how she should be treated... they no longer have an example of what not to do ever-present in their lives... all things I am thankful for... no more second-hand smoke or drinking and driving... but also no more fun camping trips and spontaneous jaunts to Six Flags... things that will have to wait until they're a little bit older or until I can talk my mother into going along... but we have a lifetime ahead of us to do whatever I feel like and for that I am a bit sorry that Chris can't physically be here to enjoy it with us... it's getting easier but I still miss him...
Wow... two whole days without blogging! It's mostly due to the weather and I've been working non-stop for the last couple of days... I've also been thinking about how I was going to teach the lesson today, God wants us to forgive, without feeling hypocritical... I had to correlate it to getting a surprise present... we expect presents on our birthdays and at Christmas but they are especially nice when they are given unexpectedly... and so forgiveness is like an unexpected gift that feels good to give... that's a huge concept for kids to grasp let alone adults... I have doubt if I will truly be able to forgive the girlfriend for what she's taken away from my kids... she was not the one to pull the trigger but he couldn't bear to go on without her... what also troubles me is I've recently met someone who was out with Chris and the girlfriend the night she had him arrested... the more that comes out about how the end of their relationship was collapsing, the more upset with her I get... my attorney has also alluded that Chris' estate was a bit larger than I had thought and I can't wait for this girl to feel the full weight of the courts come down on her... I'm not the kind of person that should be teaching 4 year olds about forgiveness for the moment... maybe this lesson is more for me... I have tried to forgive her before things got ugly in the legal sense and now I am aggravated... but then I think back to the exercise I did with the kids... I had them hold a load of large, heavy blocks that represented anger and all bad feelings... then I had them "forgive" one another so the load could be put down... and with each block I thought about how the anger I feel for the girlfriend may be holding me back from moving on with my life... every day is another baby step forward... my hair's done today and I look presentable, but I would much rather be curled up in bed... but I have to acknowledge part of it is because the weather is bleak today and that makes me want to go back to bed instead of finishing up my errands... plus I had a baby here last night until after midnight... I do need to catch up on sleep... anyhoo... forgiveness weighs heavily on my mind... I pray that I will be able to at some point...
