This week has been more stressful than normal... there was more fallout resulting from some of Chris' actions... I was awarded my car in the divorce along with the obligation to pay off the lien if I wanted to keep it... apparently when Chris filed for bankruptcy, the lien on my car was included in the items that were charged off... the bank said as long as I continued to pay on it I would be fine so for the last year that's what I've done... then this past Monday I receive an unsettling call that they could not reach Chris and that the lien on the car needed to be paid off or be turned in... this is right before Christmas and I cannot be without a car... granted I don't go very far but I still need a vehicle to get around... the bank was unwilling and unable to make arrangements for me to pay off the car over the next month or two but gave me almost two weeks to find a solution... so I applied for loans everywhere I could think of but having been married to Chris and a good chunk of our money going to the bars, my credit rating has suffered because I was unable to pay bills like the credit cards when the necessities were barely covered... it's amazing to me that after the divorce, though I made less money than he did when we were married, I had more money at my disposal... all of the bills got paid on time and there was even money left over to have a little fun... I was able to make improvements around the house and get my car fixed... you know... those extravagant extras that I'm known for getting... anyway, not many lending institutions were keen on loaning me the money but surprisingly a couple of car dealerships had called... it turns out that Saturn of Hurst not only got me approved for a substantial amount, but it would allow me to trade in my car, they could pay off the lien, and I could get myself into a newer car... so last night I prayed all the way out there that these people weren't blowing smoke up my skirt and that I could really bring home a new car... so if you happen by, you'll see my 2006 Chrysler Pacifica sitting in the driveway... it has lots of bells and whistles that I'm learning how to navigate... still haven't figured out what everything does but I'm working on it... plus the kids love the DVD player that we tested once we got home... we watched the beginning of Polar Express in there and never have I seen them more excited about that movie... I will shamelessly plug the dealership... Saturn of Hurst lived up to their word and got me in a car that I like, got me in and out of there in a little over an hour (half the time was picking out what I wanted), and Reggie (my salesman) worked extra hard for a day or so to get the financing done before I got there so all I had to do was sign the papers and take my baby home... so if you need or want a car I highly recommend going to Reggie... he'll take care of you... (817) 899-4011... www.saturnofdfw.com ... tell him that I sent you!
With all of that said, I have to say that all of this reinforces my belief in God and that if you believe, He will take care of you... yes, I did my part and did everything necessary to handle this situation on my own but never did I believe that I would ever be able to get a new car any time in the next two years... I did cry at first from the shock and added stress but after I wiped away the tears I got online and did what I needed to do... I could have fallen back on old habits and had my parents help me out but I am looking forward to the shock on their faces when they come today and see a new car in the driveway... my father will feel that it's unfair... my sister's car died on her a month or two ago while she was driving on the highways of Denver (where the drivers are worse than they are here) and her husband called a dealership from his work, made arrangements for them to pick her up, and then bought both of them new cars... so both of them have new cars and now I have one as well... my Dad hates his Saab and anyone who has ever owned one has their own Saab story... mine was horrible and was in the shop every other week... who knows... maybe he'll go out there and get something new... but through all of this mess, I prayed for peace of mind and was calmed... I knew that things have a way of working themselves out better than I could imagine... this year has been a powerful one in making my faith stronger... I have prayed for success with my business and to be able to support our family without the help of Chris... that was achieved in the month before he died... I prayed for my heart to be opened to the possibilities of being able to love and be loved... that one has also been answered... I have prayed for help to be lifted up when I did not feel strong enough to keep going and he sent all of my wonderful friends to be by my side... I have prayed for help and He has put the right people in my path and I was able to see them because my heart was open... for the doubting minds that could be seen as coincidental and maybe just lucky but no one is that lucky... I truly believe you get what you give and I do my best to give as much as I can... being a friend to those around me and serving others has allowed me more blessings that I ever could have hoped for... so this has been my latest miracle for the Christmas season... my heart and Spirit are overflowing with gratitude and I just pray that I am able to be open to all of the wondrous possibilities that are ahead...

It has now been two full months since Chris has died... funny how you work so hard to get someone out of your life (or as much as you can when you still have kids together) and now I have to do everything I can to keep his memory alive... I find it only appropriate that I'm now dealing with an enormous financial problem that has become more complicated because of his death... oh the joys of the banking system... with all hope I should have this mess resolved by the end of business tomorrow and well before the deadline I have been given... thanks Chris... you're still a pain...

This weekend has been a roller coaster ride... I have been feeling better overall because I'm finally back at the gym and my body is feeling it... it's almost like a drug for me because once I start going it's all I want to do... it makes me want to eat better and do whatever I have to do to get myself in the best shape I can be for my best friend's wedding... plus the kids love it and want to go all of the time... the down parts have been random moments of tears... apparently I haven't cried them all out yet... I even shed a few during service today and had to try to keep it to a minimum because I didn't bring that much tissue with me... maybe it's because I know that when the sun comes up it will be the day my attorney will file our motion now that we have waited our 10 days... another step closer to closing that chapter of my life... maybe it's because I still miss that dummy... there truly are moments where it feels like he's going to call to be an ass and the only reason he hasn't is because he's too busy doing something else... then it hits me that I'm on my own... that there's nobody else to lean on for those moments that the kids are just being kids and all I want to do is pull my hair out... and then Hannah asks me today when I'm going to get married again... she asks me if I'm going to marry my friend so he can be her step-dad and all I can say is that I have no plans to get married any time soon... I don't want to tell her that I'm not even ready to really be dating right now... I know I've pulled back from most everyone for the last couple of months and I'm not ready to put my heart out there... I'm not ready to be vulnerable to loving someone only to have them disappoint me, or worse, the kids... I've only dated a few people after the divorce but having Chris die really put me in a weird place emotionally... I want someone to be here for me and hold me at night but I don't know if I'll ever be able to go through what's necessary to get to that stage.... I can't bring men around the kids because they already hug everyone that comes to the door and will practically strangle them until I tell them to stop... we've already had the inappropriate hugging talk but they can't help themselves... they cling to everyone, especially the men... they want a father-figure in their lives so badly but if I allow someone in that later decides to leave, it'll break their hearts... all I can do is let nature take its course and do what I need to to get healthy emotionally and physically... most of the time I feel that I've made great strides and am holding it together pretty well... then I catch a glimpse of myself and see the stress has taken it's toll on my face... I think I look older... I look like I'm always tired and stressed... which is how I feel most of the time but that could be due to the fact that I have been shoving anything that doesn't move into my mouth and hadn't been exercising... I've also allowed the house to get beyond it's usual cluttered stage to a point that I couldn't take it anymore... I spent 6 hours helping Hannah get her room organized and it's still not finished... I haven't touched Jack's room in three weeks except to pull the sheets off his bed but now I have to put them back on... then there's my room... I spent a great deal of time looking for the perfect closet system to get myself organized and love what I have found... the only problem is I still have a small amount of stuff to wash, hang, and put up but my room is the last one to get cleaned so you can guess how often I've felt like doing that lately... before, I could get everything picked up when the kids went to their dad's and it would stay nice and neat for the weekend but now that they're here all of the time it's gotten hard... I'm going to see about having them spend a weekend a month with my mom so I can get everything accomplished... my sister got a kick out of my wish list for Christmas because all I asked for were gift cards to Home Depot and Ikea so I can buy the storage items I need... no clothes or perfumes this year... just more storage solutions... part of that desire for storage is to help me reclaim my life... to take a physical and emotional inventory of what I have and clear out the clutter, both from my house and my heart... I think I talked about this before when I got the closet system but it's doing away with the chaos in my life... I thrive in chaos because it's constant stress for me to keep moving faster and faster to try to get everything done and put a dent in my paper pile... I fear that if I get everything in its place then I will finally have the time to sit and think... then I might fall apart... and I can't do that... it doesn't feel fair that I still haven't just been able to do that... I just want a pair of strong arms wrapped around me so I can cry and let it all out... I want to be taken care of and not have the knowledge that it's all on me... that's what I miss the most about being married... I had a partner... well, not a very good one, but at least he was there... I could curl up next to him at night and still hope that tomorrow would be a better day... that maybe tomorrow he would love me the way that I loved him and he would be the kind of father the kids needed... now that hope is gone... and then I see couples who seem to be happy... and I know that it's not all roses for them because couples annoy each other in their own special way, but I don't know how long it's going to be before there will be a person in my life that I can be annoyed with... sounds crazy to want to have someone to be peeved at because the toilet seat was left up but it's that someone who will come up behind you when you're doing the dishes and kiss the back of your neck... and so I cry...