How is it that I've made it all day without blogging? It's almost like going through caffeine withdrawal... we have been on a mission all day from the moment we woke up... had to get showered and dressed to run to the store to pick up last minute accessories for the Halloween party at the clubhouse... went to said party and had a good time... returned to the house on a sugar buzz and made the kids take a nap... (love the sugar crash!)... talked to my sister during said nap time... 3 1/2 hours later, get them up and dressed and hang up with my sister... friendly neighbor drops off dinner... Yum! Eat dinner and reapply make-up to Cinderella and Cat in the Hat... drive to friends' block party in another neighborhood and realize I am the only adult in costume... at least I wasn't in my full regalia; only black dress, fishnets, boots, and cape... no hat or broom but I did bring my cauldron... had a great time at said block party and went back to friends' house... listened to a "song" by one friend who is learning to play the guitar and also watched him teach Hannah how to play Dance Dance Revolution... wow... that is all I can say... wow... eventually drag my kids from their house and came home... now they're in the tub getting all of the make up scrubbed off of their little faces and we will have yet another day of on-the-go excitement in the morning... how fun! The upside to our late evening is tonight we set our clocks back an hour... oh, wouldn't it be grand if we could get an extra hour of sleep every weekend?

I am up later than I have been all week... that could be mostly due to me taking a power nap during one of my shows... I saw the beginning and I saw the end but who knows what happened in between... my mind keeps wandering back to what I said to my father earlier this evening... my parents are both off on Fridays and most Saturdays and make it a habit to come out as often as they can... they worry about us... mostly about me and how I'll manage... today was no exception... now I am completely aware that at the tender age of 30 there's still a lot that I don't know... but in every other aspect of my life I am extremely confident and capable and manage to make things work... I never doubt that in the end it will be as it should be... I am always aware of how many people I have around me who are incredibly talented and task oriented so it is easy to take on what I can and delegate the details to whoever is on hand... so it becomes hard for me to be the grown up that I am when my father is constantly nagging me about what I should do, how I should handle my finances, how I should discipline the children, how I should eat healthier and exercise more... all of the things that I'm hyper-aware of now that I am truly on my own raising these kids... it feels like he lacks the confidence in me because he has to repeat the same advice 20 times in one visit... it makes me, the kid who's been reading since 3 and tested with a 144 IQ (though not quite the genius level my sister's at), feel incompetent and moronic... and I tell him as much... I preface the conversation with I hope you don't take this the wrong way but... I could tell he was trying his best to not blow a gasket but still had to get in the last word... I could feel the words ungrateful and stupid flow from his posture... the look on his face and the near roll of the eyes was filled with disapproval... I know it'll be another week or so before I see him again so maybe it'll have blown over by then... maybe he would have actually heard the words that came out of my mouth for what they're worth... I highly doubt it... and if he did, he would never say as much to me... the funny thing about my relationship with my father is I have never once heard him tell me how proud he is of me... I have always felt like it was never good enough and that I was always a step behind... my sister truly is a genius... our father pushed her so hard and expected so much of her that she is now very content in her life not doing much... I say that not to be rude but only to mean that with the amount of brains that she's got, she could do anything with her life... now you have to understand those are my father's words, not mine... anything that's not a doctor or lawyer wasn't ever going to be good enough... so my sister rebelled in the only way that she could and lives a life of underachievement in our father's eyes... and she's happy... to me that's all that matters... I love her unconditionally of what she chooses to do with her life and I think her job is awesome... working for a small interior design company with all sorts of access to whatever a girl could want or need to spruce up a house is a dream... now I went the other way... nothing was ever expected of me because my sister had already set the bar... to not make the grades was not an option... so I became a classic overachiever... any of you that know my schedule are aware of my multiple commitments and am constantly trying to cram one more event into my life so I don't miss an opportunity... I work so hard that I hope that my father might just actually notice what I've accomplished and just tell me that he's proud of me... it's a hard realization that sometimes we, as parents, are incapable of seeing beyond our children's mistakes... and for my father, he is unable to see me for who I am today... I'll forever be the girl who butted heads with him throughout most of my life... I'm the girl who hasn't finished college... I want to say to him that it's not worth that little piece of paper to have him tell me that I'm wasting my time on a bullsh!t degree... I started off college with a grand notion of being a business major... mostly international business and maybe some contract law... then I fell in love with psychology and devoted my time to learning different methods and theories from the masters... now had I finished college I could have had an honest position doing something I was passionate about... something that would have fulfilled me and taken my life down a different path... but the one wall I kept coming up against is it's a waste of time to get a degree like that... there's nothing you can do with that degree that'll make you any money... now there are only two people in this whole world that a child looks up to... their mother and their father... whatever these two people say becomes the Gospel... it defines how a person thinks of themselves... it shapes their self worth and molds them into the people they will become... so when I hear my father tell me I'm wasting time and money for a worthless piece of paper that won't do me any good after busting my hump to get it, why on earth would I bother? All things I wish I could express to him but I know he's not open to it... you can tell, or at least I can tell, when someone is receptive to hearing news or advice... you become skilled in reading their body language and learning what the right thing to say is... we condition ourselves to behave in a certain manner and for me, I conditioned myself to be accommodating and pleasing to everyone else... I can tolerate any perceived rudeness of certain people because I am aware that they don't intend to act that way... it's just how they're hardwired... I conditioned myself to be the best friend I could possibly be and the best mother I could possibly be... put others' needs ahead of my own... the latter has taken some doing on my part to get closer to how I think mothers should be... I'll never be perfect and I don't mind... I just keep trying... the measure of success will be when my kids are graduated from college and making positive impacts in the world and content with who they are... I keep reminding them that the only opinion that ever matters is their own... almost hypocritical on my part since I strive just to be acknowledged by my own father... he does the best that he knows how... he just doesn't subscribe to the same philosophies that I do and will probably always view what I do as mistakes of the uneducated and uninformed... and he will always have the need to point out and correct my errors... I have to accept that about our relationship... personal perception is reality... that is my reality... one that I've tried to let him into but he refuses to acknowledge that that is how I view life nor will validate my emotions... so what's a girl to do? I keep up my end by accommodating his needs when he visits, I try to read the books he keeps sending, and I will listen to his endless political tirades though I have no real interest in national politics since I can have a greater impact in local politics... this is one that I have to be smart enough to acknowledge what I can change, acknowledge what I can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference... I can't change my father's behavior but I can change how I react to it and effectively shut down any conversation that I don't wish to have... it makes me hope that I'm parenting my children in a manner that will only nourish their souls... I hope that they never carry the doubt in their hearts that may hold them back from pursuing their passions... I hope we all can do that for our children by doing that for ourselves...

I find it hard to believe that this is the weekend before Halloween... the kids have their costumes all set... I need to find the final touches for mine... and we have two Halloween parties to go to tomorrow... these last three weeks have been a blur... filled with the entire neighborhood stopping by with food, food, and more food... and lots of hugs... last night's Grey's Anatomy was a rerun but it was the one where Izzy was on the floor after Denny died... they talked about how a split second can make time stand still... how that same split second can make time speed up... that's how these past few weeks have been for me... there are moments that I can't seem to shake... the moment he killed himself... the flashes through the window of the criminalists taking the crime scene photos... the moment they wheeled him out of the house... looking at him laying in the coffin for the first time... telling him that he didn't have to do this... it didn't have to end like this... the rest has been a blur... the public viewing... the funeral... everyone around me doing whatever they could to give me the strength to make it through... and as I'm watching the episode I start to cry... though I know the show's fiction... that they get to go home after the cameras fade to black, it gives me an opening to shed some of the tears I have been holding back... maybe I did need for his family to call so I can start to heal myself... the kids have been doing amazingly well... they still sneak into my room after I've fallen asleep but otherwise they're good... so I can now feel some relief in knowing that they're well on their way to becoming whole again and I can focus more on myself... sometimes it feels a bit selfish but I know that the best gift I can give them is a healthy mom... mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically... I have a long road ahead of me... but it all begins with a single step...

Today, dear Gemini, you might experience a slight and very temporary dark night of the soul. (Slight and temporary? Does three weeks constitute a temporary situation?) You might take a good long look at your life, and, even though you're doing well, you still might feel that you're not yet where you want to be. (Can't be where I want to be anytime soon!) Spiritually you might doubt both traditional views you've questioned, and yet still wonder about new concepts you've adopted. (No doubts... ) Try to distract yourself through reading or perhaps seeing a movie. This feeling will pass by tomorrow. (I highly doubt it!)

I love reading my horoscope... not because I believe them any more than the fortune cookies I get, but because sometime they're funny and other times eerily accurate... but hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day...

The other thought that has been on my mind has obviously been powerful enough to manifest itself in my world... I'm not kidding... it wasn't until I was changing the 20th poopy diaper that I realized that there is too much sh!t going on in my life... I felt almost 100% today when I got up... life seemed good and normal... and then the phone calls happened and everything went to sh!t... fortunately it's Thursday and my minister comes over on Thursdays so I can just let it all out... and I did... then I called my attorney to see what needs to happen next... now it becomes a waiting game for me as I turn over the legal work to the professionals and let them do their thing...

I am waiting... for what I am not certain, but I'll know it when it happens... like I said in the prior post, his sister called... apparently she turned around and called her parents because the next phone call I got was from his mother... she is still grieving so much that her boss let her take the week off... I don't blame her... to lose a child would be devastating... I could never imagine burying one of my children... but she calls to see how we are... I must have gotten his sister worked up when I told her that how I am treated is how I'm going to deal with all of them in the future... that if I was going to be treated without dignity or respect then I would not allow them to be in our lives... why would I keep around toxic people to have influence in their lives? All I can say to his mother is much the same of what I said to his sister... I was very hurt that they never came over... that they went straight to the girlfriend and did not once come to see how their grandchildren were doing... we're supposed to be family yet that is how they react... and I say as much to his mother... how am I suppose to feel when I'm treated that way? How else should a mother react to having her world turned on its head and you've got small children to think of? Chris was a very important part of our lives and we depended upon him and now that he's gone all I can do is stabilize our situation before it gets worse... his mother apologized profusely because she knows that once my mind is made up I will not change it... if they didn't extend themselves in the slightest, I would not take that step... one thing I know to be true about myself is once my feelings have been hurt it is very hard for me to ever forgive the betrayal... I am loyal to a fault and will fight tooth and nail for those I care about but I refuse to repair relationships with those I cannot trust... I managed to move beyond my negative feelings for Chris because I had to build a good relationship with the father of my children... it was the right thing to do... it was not easy but I did what I needed to for the kids... I don't know if I can move beyond my negative feelings for his parents because of how they've behaved... no one can expect everyone to do what is appropriate in a time like this... everyone is grieving and handling their emotions in their own way but that does not make their actions right... it does not make what his girlfriend is doing right either... and it does not allow me to do what I feel is right, only what is necessary... I will not deny that I will probably find some satisfaction in having the courts on my side... Chris always thought that I was hung up on being righteous... I cannot deny that there is truth to that... I knew we would eventually end up in court and I was in a position that was hard to tarnish... a mother who opened a day care to stay home with the kids, who has since become Baptized and now teaches Sunday School... active with neighborhood groups and volunteers with a cancer group... donates blood on a regular basis (and you should, too!)... all things that are hard to say are bad things... I didn't choose these aspects of my life to look good in court; more because I enjoy the community, being social, and I really love the people around me... I love being a part of putting smiles on little faces and making my mark in this world... and if that makes me righteous, then so be it... so here I am, doing what I must to take care of the kids... I am not perfect... I will stumble and fall... I will cry... but I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and continue the work I've started... continue to be the kind of mother that my kids will later be able to appreciate... Lord knows they won't appreciate any of it until they have children of their own... all I want for them is to be able to have happy lives doing whatever makes them passionate... I want them to never doubt their worth and know that they are loved... I want them to never doubt their abilities to succeed... this is what I want for all of us... and how we choose to allow this sad event to impact our lives will determine our course... I could compound the pain by retreating from the world and my children or I can make the most of every day... each day is a gift... we never know when it'll be our last... so you can bet that I'll be doing all that I can to make today count...

Life feels like it's on the way back to being normal... Hannah told me this morning that she's done being sad... that she sometimes forgets about Daddy when she's at school because she's having fun... it sounded like she was looking for approval to be happy... and all I could tell her was there's nothing wrong with being happy... we can feel happy, sad, silly, or however we want anytime that we want and it won't mean that we miss Daddy any less... I often wonder how much of this she really understands... I wonder if she sometimes expects him to come pick them up for the weekend and how she'll feel once we go back to their house to gathers their toys and clothes... Jack seems like his normal boy self... running and jumping everywhere we go though he's a bit more aggressive than he used to be... he doesn't talk about Daddy much except when there are new people around and then he announces that his Daddy's dead because his heart stopped... that's it... and then he goes back to running and jumping...

I've had another night of unassisted sleep and have begun the legal process... it's not much fun having to go this route but this isn't about me, it's about the kids...

My post has been sitting here waiting to be finished for some time now because I've had a series of phone calls... some business... some legal... and then Chris' sister calls... I don't know why it is but I haven't cried in a while but it doesn't take more than a few minutes on the phone with her before I get angry and start letting it out... I'm angry at the disrespect I've been shown by the entire family... I'm angry that his girlfriend is playing the grieving widow... I tell all of my frustrations to his sister and she's angry at Chris... she's angry at what a mess he's left us all in and for not turning to any of them in the end... she can only speculate that no one in the family was happy about Chris not turning to family but it makes sense to me... they weren't there to protect him growing up and he turned to the one person that had always protected him... and I've also learned that his girlfriend does have his remains so it'll be interesting to see when we'll get them... I don't want all of them but enough to keep him close so the kids will be able to be with him whenever they want... (I'm getting a garden statuary to put him in so he can be out in the garden by the rose bush he planted a few years ago)... so now my face is a bit red and puffy from the crying and I'm not sure what to make of it... I'm not angry at Chris... it was how he was... I have forgiven him... I am more hurt by the aftermath... it doesn't have to be this way... we are supposed to be kind to each other and help however we can as we all go through this tragedy... that's what all of my friends have done... that's what my family has done... they have been loving and supportive... and I told his sister how much it hurts that their family can't do the same... they all have cell phones... they can call at any time... and I know I can call them, too, but what would I say to people who have been less than kind to me at a time when I needed them most? So now I have to sort this out along with everything else...

Two nights in a row of real sleep though this morning I woke up in a panic... apparently both of my kids made their way back into my room after I fell asleep... Jack made a nest on the floor and Hannah was crashed in my leather chair... I looked at the clock as my snooze alarm was going off and saw that it was 8:42 a.m... now I have my clock set an hour ahead so I can tell the kids it's way past their bedtime and get them to bed early... so when I saw that it was 8:42 it meant that it was really 7:42 and I should have people ringing my doorbell and waiting to pick up and drop off kids... I don't like waking up like that... I threw on some clothes and Hannah had slept in one of the new outfits I bought for her last night so she was ready to walk out the door... I get downstairs and noticed it was still dark outside so I look at my computer clock and it's really 6:45... Hannah said she tried to turn off the alarm and must have changed the time... we were up on time and now I find that two of my day care kids won't be coming because their older brother is sick so I have a slow and easy day... Jack has crashed again on the couch with one of my favorite blankets, snoring and drooling... oh how I wish I could do the same!

Though I've been catching up on sleep I still feel like a space cadet... we went to the store last night so I could pick up some workout clothes, shoes, and a lock... all items I had actually written down on a list along with other odds and ends and I still forgot to pick up the lock... my old gym was pretty small and intimate and I loved it... not too much in the way of equipment but the staff and members were fun and motivating... but there was never a need for locks on our lockers... now I'm at a big gym where I can be lost in the crowd and my purse can taken if I were to be that trusting...

I'm also noticing that some of my friends are starting to relax and aren't treating me with kid gloves anymore... they have expressed their sorrow, frustration, and anger for what I've been going through... their support has been incredible and it's good to see that they realize that I need to be treated as though it were another day... our lives turned a corner the day I went to the SS office and received a blessing... the burden of not knowing our future compounded my grief and kept my mind racing... now it has calmed and I'm able to start the whole grieving process... I don't have the gift of knowing what it could have been like had Chris been around longer than he was... I don't know if he and his girlfriend would have worked things out and gotten married... I don't know if that blow could have made him step away from being the father that he had worked hard to become... I just don't know... I can't play the what ifs game... I can only see my days as they are and move forward... I can't cry about what will never be though I am sad that our reality is as it is... more so for the kids than for myself... had it not been for the kids I would have washed my hands of him long ago... but there's no changing the past and I wouldn't trade a hair on their heads for anything... we will still have our moments where it's hard because the kids keep making random comments about death and Daddy... they want to know who's going to get what when I die... they want to know when they can get their stuff from Daddy's house... some questions I can give answers for, others I can only speculate... I have also been able to speak of his death recently without showing much emotion... I was very matter-of-fact with the guy at the gym who asked where Mr. McKinzie was... I told him he had just passed away a few weeks ago and left it at that... one of those moments where you watch them pry their foot out of their mouth and hope that they can keep going... I know it's part of their job to increase their sales so I wasn't offended by the question... there will always be someone that doesn't know and I often wonder how people look at me now... I don't want it to be Poor Sarah... can you believe that her ex killed himself while he was talking to her? No, it's not how I want to be known... I know it'll take time for this to fade into the background but I also know that this is my fresh start... not the way I would have liked for it to come about but it is what it is... I still wonder when or if the tears will come... I seem to be more touched lately by the actions of my friends, who are continuing to support us in every way they can... I can cry for my children... I can cry for the love that we're shown... I am not sure if I can cry for him... I had cried for him when I realized that my dream of what our marriage should have been died... I cried for him when I realized that my dream of what I thought a husband should have been died... I cried for all of the dreams that I had for our family that died the moment he walked out... I cried for a week and then I stopped... I stopped when I realized that I wasn't crying for him, but for the loss of my dreams... the man that he had been hadn't been deserving of my tears... anyone that saw us when we were married couldn't figure out why we were married and in the end, neither could I... so I've already shed my tears for him in a way... maybe these next few weeks or months will prove me wrong and one of you may happen upon me when I've released the flood gates but in the mean time I will try to make the most of every day... I hope all of you will do the same and hug your loved one a little tighter and a little longer...

I kept meaning to write more last night but I got sidetracked... I finally made it over to the new gym and was thoroughly impressed with their facilities and signed up... before my meeting at the SS office, I would never have joined because I would have been too worried about the initial fees but now I can breathe a bit easier knowing that everything is going to be just fine... we got home early enough to watch a little television so I grabbed my electric blanket and climbed back into my leather chair... the next thing I know the kids are waking me up over a minor dispute so I tell them to go to bed and change into my pajamas and crawled into my clean bed... I had made it the night before with freshly laundered sheets and never got in... so I'm in bed wondering if I'll be able to fall asleep without taking the melatonin and then the alarm goes off... it's 6:30 in the morning and I had my first night of real sleep... it must have been the stress of not knowing what our financial situation was going to be... of having to wonder if I'd have to take on one or two more kids and possibly a second (technically third if you count Sunday School) job... my friend, Amy, said that there was a change in the way I looked yesterday, a look of relief that had replaced my worries... and she's right... the hardest part is now behind me and the only thorn that's still in my side is his girlfriend and having to deal with his estate... the law is all on my side so I'm no longer worried that this will drag out and I'll be able to afford the attorneys to handle this... whether or not it would have still worked out this way without all of the love and prayers can be argued but I firmly believe that it has all helped to bring about this quasi-happy ending... these past few weeks have lifted my Spirit and made me so much more aware of all of the people in our lives... the ones we wave to as we pass by in the neighborhood, the ones we see at church, and those that have been in our lives for many years... each and every one of them are so special and dear to my heart... it actually brings tears to my eyes at the amount of kindness that we've been shown and I'll never be able to stop singing their praise...

Let me guess. You want to know why I tried to kill myself.
You want to know how I survived. Why I disappeared. Where I've been all this time. But first, why I tried to kill myself, right?
It's OK. People do. They measure themselves against me. It's like this line is drawn somewhere in the world and if you never cross it, you'll never consider throwing yourself off a building or swallowing a bottle of pills- but if you do, you might. People figure I crossed the line. They ask themselves, "Could I ever get as close as he did?"
The truth is, there is no line. There's only your life, how you mess it up, and who is there to save you.
Or who isn't.
-Mitch Albom, for one more day

I sat in the Social Security Administration office prepared... I never really went to sleep last night... I sat under my electric blanket in my favorite oversized leather chair and catnapped for about an hour before I had to start my day... I had cleaned most everything I could and gathered all of my documents I would need... birth certificates for the three of us, his death certificate, marriage license, divorce decree, and a few miscellaneous papers for good measure... it never hurts to be over-prepared... and so I set one small book into my bag with my all important documents... a new book that caught my eye by a very talented author... for one more day, by Mitch Albom, is a story of a mother and a son, and a relationship that lasts a lifetime and beyond. It explores the question: What would you do if you could spend one more day with a lost loved one? It's about a man who was once well known whose life falls apart and he tries to kill himself... seems a bit masochistic on my part to want to read this story but Albom's work resonates with me... I only managed to make it a few pages in before my name was called... now for those of you who have successfully avoided having to go to the Social Security offices for anything, congratulations! My last visit was in this dingy old office building where you couldn't tell what the original color of the tiles should be, they were worn and faded... so you can imagine my surprise when the directions have me going somewhere else... same area but different locale... there before me was a brand new building and when I entered it felt very much like Orson Wells 1984... everything was computerized and a voice over the intercom called out random numbers and periodically a name... I took a seat in the lobby and was soon called down to window 18... down the long hall and keep going... I got up with uncertainty and wandered down the corridor... there were small pockets where there were clusters of windows, though each window seemed to be very private... soon I found myself across from a rather pleasant looking woman who smiled and asked that I take a seat... never would I have believed that anyone in the employ of a government agency would have kindness or compassion for a case that comes across their desk... I'm just more paperwork to be shuffled, data to be entered... but this kind woman treated me with dignity and respect... she helped process my papers quickly and hushed any fears that I had... I am more than pleased with our allotment... it was more than I could have hoped for and will allow me to spend my time more with my own kids instead of picking up nights here and there making ends meet... it affords me freedom... freedom from the uncertainty of whether the child support payment will be made so I can pay the bills... freedom to use my time doing whatever we want... freedom to say I'm sorry but we have family commitments that are too precious to give up just so I can earn a few extra dollars... it allows me to take the price tag off of my time after 5:30 and just be myself...

The reason I posted the opening paragraph of this tale is because it gave me pause... the last part reminds me of Chris but what doesn't remind me of him? It makes me think back to Mr. Jaacks, our AP English teacher, who saw symbolism in everything... everything related back to Christ, God, and the womb... it didn't matter what the story was he could always tie one of those themes in somewhere... and so now my eyes see life with a hint of Chris... every passage I read, every song I hear, every look of my son... it all reminds me of him... but the end of that passage is about the choices we make... it's how we choose to live our lives... it about how we treat those around us because in the end we are deserving of what we get... not that I feel as deserving of the love I have been shown... these beautiful people around me who have been so amazing and supportive, who stop by just to check on me, and send their well wishes from afar... but I guess I've been living my life as the way it's been intended and life has blessed our little family today with relief...

I really should NOT have done that... it's 3:30 in the morning and I was paying some bills before I wanted to head off to bed and I looked at my Sprint bill... the new cycle had posted all of my calls for the last billing period which ended on 10/6... the Friday following his death... and now I can see when he called, when I called back, and can hear the conversation roll over and over again... it gave me goose bumps to see all of the call times for when I talked to him... then I could see who I called next... 54 phone calls to my cell phone in that 24 hour span... it started off talking with Chris, then my sister as I waited for the police to call me back, my kids' Godparents to see if they could come over so I could go out there... then my favorite attorney just because he's a voice of reason... then a short break as I drove frantically out to Plano before I started calling his sister and my parents... from there it was those closest to me who might be able to tell me that I'm just having a really awful nightmare... yet another black and white record of what has happened... a bit more unnerving than holding his death certificate in my hand... that was definitely not fun receiving it in the mail... so now I'm going to take some melatonin and see if I can get a couple of hours rest before my day starts...

Amazing how much junk can accumulate when you're not paying attention... I have tossed an enormous bag of broken toys, scribbled on papers, tons of junk mail, and the like off of my desk and out of my classroom... I can see most of my desk and have a better grip on the situation... all that leaves me with is the kitchen before I head off to bed to sleep between my freshly laundered sheets... it's nearing 2 a.m. and I'm convinced that if I had not taken the melatonin the last two nights I'd be a blithering idiot by now... I'll have to take more tonight to get to sleep because the longer I'm up the more I realize that there's too much on my mind... I've talked to both of my best friends tonight and couldn't get over how much anger I still have... his girlfriend made me so sick with her portrayal as the grieving darling who lost the love of her life... nowhere did she mention that she had him arrested a couple of nights before and had told him he needed to move out... nowhere has she acknowledged to me any remorse for her culpability... I know it takes two people to fight but even I know better... I have to forget that I'm smarter than her... her brain does not function on the same level where I see things more cut and dry and the answers are generally obvious... it's not a bragging point, it's just the truth... even I know what I should do in my current situation but I am aware that doing what is necessary is the admittance of his death... I know why I keep dragging my feet... but before this happened, before when I'd be fighting with him I knew where the boundaries were... I knew his history and there are certain lines that you never ever cross no matter how angry you are or how deserving he is of getting his ass handed to him... you never call the police... not even when he was reaching for the loaded gun... yeah... he tried to do that one time when we were still married... suicide crossed his mind when he was stressed and drunk... he would contemplate how much better life would be without him in it... usually he would crawl into bed and curl up next to me and pass out... the time he did go for the gun I was scared... not the scared kind where you hide behind the door and wait for help... the kind of scared that wrestled him away from where the gun was and hog-tied him with his belts and neck ties... I'm surprisingly strong and when my adrenaline is pumping I can hang with the best of them... I tossed his butt in bed and let him sleep it off... to call the police would have been the end of him and I had a vested interest in seeing him get better... it always came down to the kids need their father and I'm too stubborn to let him go that easily... I miss him... I miss him a lot... I keep finding pictures of him every time I clean out another box... miscellaneous photos from our trip to New York or at the park... back when we were happier and he was only a phone call away... I just don't understand how you can love someone that much and just walk away... I had been hurt by him in the same way that she had... in fact she was the last one he hurt me with, adding insult to injury by taking the kids on "family outings" together... things he would never do in our final year together... but the difference is I took it and turned the other cheek... he never actually told me he was cheating until he moved out but I had suspicions the entire time... I still wanted to work things out after he came clean... mostly that was from not wanting my world to change... I had become so dependent upon him that I didn't know what to do or how I was going to survive... it actually took me a month to realize that I could have a win-win situation by opening my day care... I could work from home and be with my son as well as be around when Hannah gets home from school... Chris did take care of us financially for quite some time after he moved out and I wasn't forced to earn money until September 05... I worked up to that time building up a small nest egg, most of which went to paying my divorce attorney... I did get a great settlement because he wanted out and gave into my demands... well, most of them... but even at that point I would have called the whole thing off just to have him back... it took me a year to move on... I knew it'd be too soon to start dating... if I couldn't hold a marriage together then how could I maintain a healthy relationship? I spent that year doing a lot of soul searching and started going to church... I read everything I could lay my hands on and wrote in my journal constantly... I realized that if I wanted to have someone in my life I would have to clean house, literally and figuratively... I made room in my closets and in my heart... I opened myself up to the possibility that I could love and be loved again... it was a constant prayer to keep myself open to Grace and Mercy and Love... all things I hadn't felt worthy of for quite some time... I was a shell of the person I had once been and needed to get back to center... Jenne had commented on how I now look and act much like I did ten years ago... back when I was happier and free spirited... back when there was always a smile on my face... that's where I'm trying to get back to... I am spiritually, emotionally, and literally decluttering my life... tossing out the pain, anger, old clothes, and papers... reorganizing my love, my Faith, my everything... it's most unfortunate that you can't hire a company to come do that for you while you take a vacation... such a nice thought...

At around this time of night I would start to worry about whether or not I'll be able to get to sleep... for the last three nights I have been able to get rest with the help of sleep aids and melatonin... tonight I feel like being wild and letting my mind run amok... I need to do some serious house cleaning and find not only my kitchen counter but also my desk... I know it's under there somewhere but I have had neither the time nor inclination to deal with it... people have been very understanding that I have let the house slide... at least I was showered and dressed in clean clothes... baby steps... so now I will attempt to get at least the downstairs back in order... if I appear a little wild-eyed in the morning, I apologize... I will try to get to bed before the sun rises because I have my all important meeting at the Social Security office in the morning... once that is behind me I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief and have a better idea of where I'll stand financially... it sucks to think that it may appear to his family that I'm only in it for the money but they never truly got to know me... I was raised as an Army brat and we learned to make do with whatever the circumstance was... I'm not asking for anything more than what is due so I can take care of the kiddos and keep my house in order... yes, that does include putting in a new front door but my sweet dads in the neighborhood made mine close and lock without effort... so now I will sort through all that has accumulated over the last couple of weeks and start the baby steps to reclaiming my life...

Wow... slow day... hard to believe we've been moving since we got up this morning and this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down... the sleep has helped tremendously... I can think and focus which is a miracle... the sleep deprivation made everything worse and made me feel manic (hence the postings every few hours)... but now that my mind has slowed I can feel the emotions welling below the surface... seeing more friends today at church and at the house brought me to near tears but I've been able to quell them... the only time I seem to start crying is when I'm in the sanctuary... though I am among many, I can be alone in there with all of my thoughts and I can send up my prayers... I'm not sure how I look to others... those that know me can see the pain behind the smile but the rest just see another member of the congregation going about our usual worship... one aspect of my life that brings me comfort is singing... I'm not very good but it's something that has always been a part of my life... I spent years in school in girls' choir, mixed choir, and show choir singing for every season... performing in malls, Masonic lodges, and even Disney World... it was the one place that I could completely connect on every level... the music gives voice to all of my emotions and so I have found my home in the 11:30 service where we sing contemporary music... I didn't cry as much as I did last Sunday but the music allows me to transcend the moment and be passionate... it allows my Spirit to feel instead of being numb... I have been walking around in a state of shock on auto-pilot... without the love and support of all of my friends and family I don't know how I could have held up... we teach the little ones about spreading God's love through the kindness we show to others when they are hurting but never did I expect to be on this end of it... I got so many hugs from my 4 year olds today and it helps lift me up... I am trying to refocus my life and settle into a new routine so the kids can feel safe again...

Jack told me today that he didn't want me to die because Daddy was already dead... there isn't too much I can say to him other than we all die eventually but Mommy is doing everything I can to take care of my heart to stay healthy so we can play together for a long time... Hannah wanted to know when she was going to die and I told her I didn't know... we all have our time on this earth and when our time is finished our bodies die and our spirits go into the hearts of those that love us... that way we will live on in others... they haven't been too upset as far as I can tell... I can see the questions milling through their minds but they thankfully have short attention spans so we only have to talk about our mortality for a few minutes...

There are so many things that I realized I hadn't prepared for... I hadn't gotten around to drawing up my will and declaring where the kids are to go if I die before they are grown... that was not fun sitting down to think of what I want each of them to inherit and who will be responsible for taking care of them... I'm in the process of setting up their college funds and doing all of the responsible things that a parent should do... I'm 30 years old and have never considered that I may not make it to tomorrow... none of you are that lucky to get rid of me that quickly... I am persistent and will not go without a fight... I will be old and decrepit and people will wonder what is that old bat taking to keep on going? I will be there to see my children grow up, get married, and have children of their own... I just also thought that Chris would be here a little longer... drawing up our wills was a touchy subject because we had to jointly decide who would be better able to take care of the kids once both of us passed, especially once we remarried... there was no doubt that my family had more resources and less drama... now I don't have to worry about fighting with him... only his family, and they've never made much effort to be a part of our lives... so I hope that all of you will use this as a learning tool and look hard at your lives to see how prepared you are... look how you live your lives and how even just a kind word can turn a person's day around... you all have made a world of difference to us and we will forever be grateful...