Chris' 33rd birthday would have been this coming Monday and I have decided to take the kids to dinner back to where it all began... we're going in honor of his birthday and hopefully this will help by getting this milestone behind us... there are going to be a lot of other firsts this year... we've already had our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's behind us... Valentine's Day is approaching though that will mean more for the kids than it does for me... we still have our first Easter, 4th of July, and both of the kids' birthdays to get through before we come to the 1 year anniversary of his death... his birthday will be 4 months to the date since he passed and it's just another reminder that our lives are different now...
Last night I found myself in a weird funk... not sure if it's his birthday that's bringing it about or that I had my counseling session and we talked about my states of depression... they come in waves and more often than not only last a moment or two... last night I googled Chris' computer screen name and all sorts of information popped up... there were entries on a site devoted to Leonard Cohen and one entry in particular where he was talking about how much he loved the song Take This Waltz and how he was going to dance with his wife to it... that was written back in November 2004 and I actually remember dancing with him in the kitchen that night... that was one of our special songs and seeing something he had written left me a bit more tearful... the good news about that is I now have a friend that I can call and know that he's awake and can bring a smile to my face... so I called him and he did his magic... we talked for a while about life in general and he did leave me in a better mood...
The days really do seem to be flying... I commented to a few people that it's hard to believe that it's February already and yesterday also marked 17 weeks of being on our own... a strange feeling that's a bit surreal... mostly because life seems to have worked out for the better and there's no telling how things might have been had Chris still been around... I know on most levels that it would not have been this good nor would he have approved of my current state of happiness but feelings of sorrow still linger... Hannah talks of him less and less though Jack has had a recent resurgence of saying, "My Daddy's dead," and talks about killing things... the dead part is to be expected to some degree but the talk of killing things to make them dead is a bit more disturbing... I'm not sure how much he understands about death but it's a topic that gets covered quite a bit now...
Overall we're doing better than can be expected though there are still moments for us that are hard... I'll be looking forward to this October 6th where I can have all of the firsts behind me... there's so much life to be lived and I'm not going to allow any of us to get caught up in the sorrow that could eat us alive if we pause for too long... like I said, I've made a friend who doesn't mind talking for hours on end and has been terrific for my mood... the kids are still insulated from all of the details and can move on... had I allowed them to truly break down as other members of his family did, who knows what kind of mess I'd have on my hands today, but I didn't... with the help of all of my sweet friends we have pulled through the darkest days and have achieved a new state of normalcy... thank you my friends... you'll never know how much you've really done for us...
Last night I found myself in a weird funk... not sure if it's his birthday that's bringing it about or that I had my counseling session and we talked about my states of depression... they come in waves and more often than not only last a moment or two... last night I googled Chris' computer screen name and all sorts of information popped up... there were entries on a site devoted to Leonard Cohen and one entry in particular where he was talking about how much he loved the song Take This Waltz and how he was going to dance with his wife to it... that was written back in November 2004 and I actually remember dancing with him in the kitchen that night... that was one of our special songs and seeing something he had written left me a bit more tearful... the good news about that is I now have a friend that I can call and know that he's awake and can bring a smile to my face... so I called him and he did his magic... we talked for a while about life in general and he did leave me in a better mood...
The days really do seem to be flying... I commented to a few people that it's hard to believe that it's February already and yesterday also marked 17 weeks of being on our own... a strange feeling that's a bit surreal... mostly because life seems to have worked out for the better and there's no telling how things might have been had Chris still been around... I know on most levels that it would not have been this good nor would he have approved of my current state of happiness but feelings of sorrow still linger... Hannah talks of him less and less though Jack has had a recent resurgence of saying, "My Daddy's dead," and talks about killing things... the dead part is to be expected to some degree but the talk of killing things to make them dead is a bit more disturbing... I'm not sure how much he understands about death but it's a topic that gets covered quite a bit now...
Overall we're doing better than can be expected though there are still moments for us that are hard... I'll be looking forward to this October 6th where I can have all of the firsts behind me... there's so much life to be lived and I'm not going to allow any of us to get caught up in the sorrow that could eat us alive if we pause for too long... like I said, I've made a friend who doesn't mind talking for hours on end and has been terrific for my mood... the kids are still insulated from all of the details and can move on... had I allowed them to truly break down as other members of his family did, who knows what kind of mess I'd have on my hands today, but I didn't... with the help of all of my sweet friends we have pulled through the darkest days and have achieved a new state of normalcy... thank you my friends... you'll never know how much you've really done for us...
posted by Sarah at 7:49 AM
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