Yesterday I was feeling nostalgic... I was speaking with a friend about Chris and our current legal situation and at some point we were talking of how his girlfriend had managed to isolate him from all of the positive influences in his life... me, the man who had been his best friend through all of the time I was with him, and come to find out, his mentor...

I was rummaging through papers and found Lou's number... he was a father figure to Chris and was a constant in his life... this man put up with all of Chris' antics and helped point him in the right direction... I was always grateful that Chris had Lou in his life and that he would be a voice of reason in Chris' chaotic world... I dialed the number that had been written oh so many years ago and got "this number is no longer valid" message... WHAT?! I could not fathom Lou ever moving nor his number ever changing but so many other things have happened that I would have said were impossible that I didn't question it...

For those that know me, you know that once I set my mind to something I will get it done... I have been thinking about calling Lou from the moment that Chris died but was assured by the girlfriend that she would contact him... I never questioned it but have been wondering what she told him... how did she break the news? I went online and found that all of Lou's neighbors had a different area code and deducted that his town had split their prefix and tried the new combination of numbers... I held my breath as the phone rang... two, three, four times and I got a new message... and it sounded much as I had remembered Lou's voice to be... so I left a message on his machine that explained who I was looking for and if this was the right number, please call me... that was all I could do...

This morning I awoke to my phone ringing... it was a New York number and it could only be Lou... though a bit groggy, I was happy to see his number come up on my caller ID... we spoke for almost an hour and were both able to exchange bits of Chris' life that we hadn't known... I found out what the girlfriend had told him and then proceeded to fill in all of the details she conveniently left out... he told me of his last few conversations with Chris and his perception of Chris' mental state... none of it surprised me too much though Lou had always thought that Chris would call him if he ever was truly contemplating death... Chris always called him in moments of weakness, hoping his Pop would talk some sense into him and force him to make the right decision...

I filled him in on the happenings of our lives and where I'd like to see it all go... it was one conversation that I was unsure how I'd react and maybe that's why I've put it off for as long as I did... thanks to all of the help I've been getting, I was able to take this call in stride and not fall to pieces... I consider it a milestone... I told Lou about the Law of Attraction and the importance it now plays in my life... how it has truly enabled me to ask and receive what I need most... and where Chris is concerned, it has brought me peace...

It's been 11 months and it seems a bit strange how time has flown by... life, in many ways, does not feel any different from when Chris was still here... I've been basically raising the kids on my own since they were born... still having the same fights with Hannah before taking her to school... listening to the same whining and crying about everything and nothing... I kept hoping it would get better... that I could somehow get her to just calm down and do what is necessary to get out the door in the morning so we can all be where we're supposed to be on time... I guess that is one that may never change... maybe the drama allows her to feel as though nothing has changed...

I also talked to Chris' sister today... she is the only sane one of the lot that I still care to talk to... I almost have to laugh because we can have a mostly normal conversation while skirting the proverbial elephant in the room... I'm glad that she's finally seeing someone about Chris... it's easy to forget that we're not the only ones who lost him... that she lost her buddy... I wish her the same peace that I have found... it's hard to get there but it is there...

I am a believer in signs, whether they be big or small... today is Jack's 5th birthday and when he came in this morning to give me my morning hug, he smelled like Chris... not all like cigarettes and alcohol, but that sickening lemony smell that I couldn't stand that came from some sort of soap that they used to bathe with... it was nice to think that he's still with us in a way...