Somehow I thought today would be mostly us in tears... that the kids wouldn't want to go to school or I would get a phone call from their teachers that they were bawling and wanted to come home... Jack had a great day and was rambling on about what they learned in class and Hannah didn't even notice... it wasn't until I pointed out what the date was that she realized that it's the anniversary of his death... I had already decided that we were going to dinner, make some pictures and write some letters to float up to Heaven in balloons, and make a wish and a prayer on a candle that Chris was safe in Heaven...

I think I missed him more because I have greater awareness of how and when he died... I couldn't allow this date to go unnoticed by the kids because as they grow they need to have some connection to him... but as I was the only one who shed any tears I feel more confident that the choices I have made over this past year have been the right ones... the kids both seem fairly healthy... or at least as healthy as they can be with how our life is now... the only wish that Hannah has is that I get married at some point so we can have someone else living in the house with us... they just need more positive male role models in their lives... maybe some day I'll meet the right man who can fill such a tall order but for now we have reached the final milestone of the first year... we have come through stronger and happier... and we did it with the support of all of you... you'll never fully know how much we appreciate all of the love and kindness we've been shown... *hugs*

It is now the time of his official passing... counting the minutes and then the final seconds gives me much emotions... I am listening to Leonard Cohen's If It Be Your Will... a very appropriate song that he loved and was played for him at the funeral... Good-bye Chris...

I've been noticing a bit of dread as the day wore on... I was becoming ever more aware that I am approaching the zero hour and have crystal clarity on what was happening 365 days ago... in less than 45 minutes the clock will have rolled on his time of death and I will have survived my first year without him...

It makes me look hard at my life at how far I've come... how the kids have managed... how much our lives have changed yet remained very much the same... as hard as I think tonight might be, it is also a night to let go... I have to let go of the remaining anger and hurt that I have been harboring and just release it... tonight I have to reclaim the date and make it my own... this is about a rebirth for us all...

I know I have mentioned to some that I will be writing a book on this and had plans to do so after the one year mark... well, I have already started and have realized my purpose... God could not have given me this tragedy if He did not mean for me to do something positive with it... writing the book is therapeutic but I hope that it can also help others through times of tragedy and give them Hope... that's what life is truly all about... Hope that today will be filled with wonders and that we never forget the awesome power of Love... we need to share our gratitude with our friends and ensure that we tell our loved ones how much they mean to us while they're still here... while we can still hold them in our arms... spread a little joy to those around you and feel Blessed that you are among so many wonderful people... I love you all!

A year ago today Chris was still alive... amazing that in a couple of days I will no longer be able to say that... I guess it is only appropriate that it is currently raining, much like it was the day after his funeral... something about the rain is very cleansing... it's a drink of life and a fresh start... what spurred me to post today is I was looking outside to watch the rain come down and I noticed that my yucca plant is finally sending up a flower spike after not having had one for the past two years... and as I noticed that, I also saw the pink rose bush behind the yucca was blooming again as well... that rose bush is very sentimental... Chris planted that the first year we moved into this house and it has been a reminder for me of how bittersweet it was to have him in my life... he could be amazingly sweet and tender but he also had his thorns... strong and hardy like the stalks of the bush yet still sensitive like the flowers... I do miss him and can only pray that he is at peace...