I think I've sprung a leak... the emotions still come in waves though life has achieved a new sense of normalcy... it was almost fun to watch the horror on an acquaintance's face when I told her what had happened... we were having a board meeting and we have new members and one did not realize I run a child care in my home... I always tell everyone that I fell into it as a means to stay home with the kids after the divorce... then I asked if she knew about his passing and though most are aware of it, the shear horror of it all was interesting... that paired with my matter-of-fact delivery of what took place and the realities of the silver lining... apparently there were a few details that some had missed, like the fact that I was on the phone with him when he did it, that always get that gasp... when I tell people that I know I seem to do better emotionally... when it gets brought up by the kids to the cashier at the grocery store, I get choked up and have to look away... I'm certain that I will experience these ripples for a lifetime but they, too, will fade as time passes us all...

My attorney will be here in the morning with her discoveries concerning the estate and to have me sign some papers... the girlfriend moved his possessions to a storage unit to prevent me from going to the house but I know there will be a few items that she will have omitted that will permit me access to the house... I feel like I should go back there one last time for closure... what a word... closure... if I could erase this all from my memory I would... there is something I have never liked about when people tell me that I can't do something... that is the one sure way to push me into action... she is blissfully unaware of how thorough I am and that I am meticulous about getting details taken care of when I have to present a project (in this case an inventory)... the judge expects me to recover all assets and ensure proper delivery to the rightful heirs... I have to store most of it for some time before the kids will be old enough to decide what to do with it all... I may go through and pull out definite keepsakes and I will make his shirts into quilts for them to wrap up in, but the thought of going through it all is hard... cleaning the garage in preparation to receive all of these items left me feeling like I hadn't made any progress at all... the one thing I still have been unable to do is completely break down with someone there... I keep it all inside and save it for when I'm alone... I put on my brave face and smile and chat... some who know me better can see I'm still struggling... I am better on so many different levels... I know that my life has gotten easier for the most part... I have humbled myself and prayed for guidance and to keep my heart open to all possibilities that life has to offer... how sad it would be that I might miss a ray of sunshine or a bit of sweetness because I could not see beyond the grief... those prayers are being answered... I am moving on in parts of my life and maybe that's why I am struggling... one part of me is happy that the sun still comes up and that there are wonderful people in my life... another part is sad that I am shutting the doors on the havoc that ensued after his death... progress must be made and I continue to put one foot in front of the other...

I've been asked a few times in the past week or so if there was any one thing I could change in my life, what would it be? Part of me wants to answer I wish I could have done more for Chris to keep him from being hopeless and help him see his worth... then I answer I would change nothing... that every moment and event; the good, the bad, and the tragic, have all shaped who I am today... any turn down a different path would mean that I would not be right where I am today... it may not be the most optimal place at the moment but life has a way of smiling at you when you need it most... a few things have happened since the new year started that have been positive and I will continue to keep my spirit open to whatever comes my way... the kids are taking their cues from me... I have to remind them to be grateful for all that we have for there are far too many that have significantly less than we do... not only in the material sense but in spiritual wealth... I am continually reminded of how blessed we are every time a friend offers a kind word... when we find laughter... when we make authentic connections... when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable... that is a hard one but it is necessary to make yourself vulnerable to be able to experience the bliss... I now know true sorrow... it can only help to recognize true joy when it comes along... and so I continue on my path, never knowing what will come my way next...