Why does this always seem to say the same thing? I guess because my life feels like it's on repeat and there's no getting off of this ride...

I've been feeling industrious and have been trying to get my household back in proper order... for those of you that know me, you will know that entails everything being in its proper place with a label on it and alphabetized on a shelf somewhere... I have bought more bins and have brought in numerous trash bags to help relieve my overflowing house of its burdens... this is in an effort to keep me from sliding into a depression... one of the things I firmly believe is that when I have emotional turmoil it manifests itself through clutter in my home... with two kids clutter seems to be normal but when it extends itself to every corner of my house then it is enough to drive me mad... I feel like avoiding the whole affair and running away to a place where there is none of the chaos... and often times I do... I have a little safe haven at my friend's house where I can escape for a few hours and forget that my life is falling apart around me... now I did consciously choose to do that but when I look at my behavior then I can see what is happening to me... I am avoiding everything... I don't want to be bothered by anyone... I want to be left alone so I can wallow in whatever mood seems to be bubbling just below the surface... and the best way to avoid everyone is to use the excuse that I need to clean my house and get it back in order... and yes, it does need a good cleaning... but it never seems to get done... and the only thing I can think of is that I won't have anything left to do but face what I'm truly avoiding and that is all of my feelings surrounding Chris' death...

The reason I bring this up tonight is that I've had a few revelations today... the first being that it's now been over six months and this was the first time the 5th of the month past by and I didn't mark the occasion... that may be a good sign that I'm moving on with my life... the second is that I bought shallow storage bins to put all of the bags of his books in so they're not all piled up haphazardly in the garage... but as I'm sorting through them all I'm finding most all of my missing books and a few other unexpected items that bring tears to my eyes and wishing someone was here to hold my hand... now I could have done this during the daytime when I could have had people around me to be supportive but I have chosen to do so at night, after Jenne and the kids have gone to bed and when my other friend is busy enough that I don't want to bother him with another round of mindless crying...

I still feel a bit angry... maybe because I want this mess to be over and done with... I have so much of his stuff in the house and I need to get rid of most of it... I want to dump as much as possible but I also need to be respectful of the rest of his family and think about what they might want... I do have plans to make them all blankets after I finish the ones for the kids but that may take until Christmas to get it all done... I feel angry because the girlfriend is being so stubborn about helping us out at all and not getting any part of his remains to us... I found out she moved back home to her parents' house in Midland and need to decide what I am going to do... the law is very clear and I may just allow the lawyers to take care of this... I am just tired of having to deal with this and wish someone else could manage it all for me...

And that leads to the part where I am tired... I am tired all of the time and wish that I could have my energy back... I want to do more and often times I think I'm doing too much, but most days I can barely do my minimum and struggle to make it to bedtime... I do get some sleep but with all of the chaos in the house it is hard to get relaxed enough to have me feeling rested... I will admit that my escapes to my friend's place makes things much nicer and has helped in so many ways to help calm and center myself but it still doesn't make me address why I go to his house instead of having him come over here... and some of that is because over there I am not Sarah, mommy of two and neighborhood helper and Chris' ex-wife... I am merely myself and that is such a gift... I am working hard to bring that same sense of peace home with me and help keep me from sliding into a major depression... my brain has gotten so disorganized and I can barely keep up with all of my activities... I am not sure what all I can do but I think once I get my house back to its normal level of chaos then I can achieve some sort of normalcy...

I will say that I do still feel truly blessed... I have good people in my life who show how much they care and I am happy to have them around... I have two in particular who have been so loving and kind over these past couple of months as the emotions surge and ebb... my best friend did move in with us a month or so ago and she has been a tremendous help in so many ways... I love having her here and can say that after 18 years she is not tired of me yet... the other one is a new friend who has been around for a few months and for those of you who have seen us together, yes he's wonderful... I am lucky to say that he truly is a friend first and foremost... both of them allow me to be myself and don't mind that I'm sitting on the couch crying... they just hand me a tissue and let me bawl it out... most days I don't think too much about Chris but he's been on my mind a lot more these last couple of days and offer up a prayer for him... I do hope he is at peace and that we all can have some love for him... and when I think to how I have been able to find some happiness and contentment in my life, I am thankful to him... I believe that I am stronger for all of the turmoil that we have gone through and continue to face on a daily basis... I just wish some of it would be easier... I wish that everyone had the same intent in moving forward in a positive light... if I had allowed him to rob me of my life when he took his, I would have failed my children as a mother... the kids seem fairly normal... a bit morbid at times in their humor and death is often a topic about the house but otherwise they seem to be taking things in stride...

So thank you, my friends, who are always the bright spots in my day... I am still strong because of your love and support... may the blessings you have shown us be returned to you many times over =)