It is officially Thanksgiving! I took a brief nap after dinner so I could do my major house cleaning and prep anything that I can start before the food needs to go in the oven...

This Thanksgiving is going to be bittersweet... what am I thankful for this year?
1. All of the beautiful souls in my life who have lifted us up through their prayers and generous deeds... without them none of this would be possible...
2. My children... they are the reason for Being... they make me better and I feel blessed to be charged with the care of these little people...
3. My family... they are always there... even when I don't want them to be though I secretly enjoy all of the fuss...
4. Serenity... through all of the chaos, there have been moments where I was blissfully at peace when I realized that all of the unknowns that come with being divorced and sharing custody are now over... it seems like that should be selfish but as a dear friend pointed out I now have a clean slate and a whole life ahead of me...
5. Emotions... there have been days where I have been guilty of going through the motions without truly being present... the intense wave of emotions keep me grounded and more appreciative of every moment that I am blessed with... I can feel joy in playing with the kids, laughing with friends, and the incredible love of the people in our lives...
6. Peace... I'm thankful that Chris is finally no longer struggling with his demons... he can now rest...
7. Last but not least, I am thankful my Christmas cards are in the mail... hopefully I got most everyone... there were a few people I didn't have addresses for but 88 cards are in the capable hands of the postal service and I'll get the rest out on Friday... there would have been a newsletter in with the photo cards but I couldn't bring myself to printing it out... I don't know why it was so hard... maybe next year...

I guess that should do it for why I am thankful this year... today is a day for family and friends... make sure you tell everyone how much you love them and take a moment to truly enjoy this day...

One other note worth mentioning... after his sister received my email about what measures I would take to ensure that I was the administrator for Chris' estate she has stepped back and said that she would not interfere... let's hope that's the last of people getting in my way to having this resolved...

I knew that tonight someone would be bringing the kids' things over from their Dad's house... I knew that I would have to check off the items, ensure the inventory list was complete, and sign so there would be proof that the items were received... what I did not know is that another wave would crash over me and leave me a crying mess... I was not expecting to react so strongly to how everything smelled... it's a mix a soapy-citrus and cigarette smoke... it had always been one that I couldn't stand smelling on the kids when they came back from his house... I'm so sensitive to the odors because of my allergies so I would make the kids put their clothes in the wash and toss them in the tub... now I'm not sure if I'll be able to wash that smell away because it's one last connection they will have with their Daddy... it also makes me realize how much I still miss him and though I may be able to get through a day without getting upset, I will always have a piece of my heart missing...

Nothing like waking up to an email from Chris' sister saying that she wants to be named the administrator when I have already expressed my intent to be the one appointed... I can feel my blood pressure rising but I'm still in a position that may force her to back off... the ultimate trump card is how much involvement that I choose to allow them to have if she proceeds and I stated that I would pull back completely from them if she did not allow me to finish what I have started... she seems to think that the law will be fair and that the administrator will have the power to disperse his estate as deemed fit but she may not realize that the law is black and white and there is no room to be fair... all of his physical estate will go to the children and the money will go mainly to the the IRS... as administrator I would receive 5 % of the estate for handling the affair but that would be the only way I could guarantee the kids would get any of the money... no one wants to say outright that they want the girlfriend to be able to keep some of his things... they won't tell me how they truly feel about me because they want to walk that fine line between keeping me happy and the girlfriend happy... I had doubts about having any of them in our lives before and this will solidify my position... I know that I wasn't the only one to feel pain in losing Chris... he was a big part in all of our lives... I couldn't imagine losing my sister or my child... but that doesn't make the legal situation any different... I am not enjoying having to be ruthless but I will do everything necessary to secure what the children are entitled to... and if that means I'll have to drop a house on more than the girlfriend then I am fully prepared to do so... so the saga continues...

I think I've made a turn for the better... I've been spending more time talking to friends from my previous life where I was happy most all of the time... back in the days where the hardest part of my life was juggling working full time with school full time... my most recent reconnection has noticed that I have evolved a bit... I won't say that I feel like I've evolved into an enlightened being, but I am more aware of how my actions affect those around me... it makes me wonder how much any of us change when we are content (or maybe just too lazy) with our situations... I fought hard to keep a marriage held together by the tiniest threads and you can't make a person want to be there if they'd rather be somewhere else... but I fought for our marriage because I am like most others in that I don't like change... I'd rather be miserable and know that I'll be miserable than to be forced into new situations... change waits for no one... my life changed so quickly that I didn't have a choice... I could either embrace it or hide away... it would have been easy to use the divorce as an excuse to extract myself from my daily world and crawl into bed but that's not my style... so I've had to adapt and adjust to my new reality... and here I am again, a year later and being forced through more change... this really could have been the end of how you all know me to be... this could easily have forced me into a rubber room where they'd take away any blunt objects as I drooled on my ice cream... there are days that I don't remember how I got through it but what I do know is I had my friends constantly surrounding me, making sure that I was taken care of... I went through the motions of being alive but I wasn't there... I put on my show choir face and faked my way through, hopefully convincing the kids that we were going to be all right... the funny thing about standing on that precipice waiting to jump is that it takes more effort to stand still than it does to fall into the unknown... so I have plunged into the unknown with only one certainty; I'm on my own... I can no longer be mad at anyone else for any failures or shortcomings... it's all on me... life cannot remain stagnant if you desire happiness in this world... I could easily hide in my own safe little world where my dear sweet friends will shelter me from the realities of this world but there is so much more that I have yet to explore... so my question for all of you is are you truly content with your life or are you just going through the motions?