Friday, February 09, 2007

I guess my perception of what is normal is altered... it is an unfortunate fact of life that there is a lot of talk about death in our house... Jack's teachers are concerned that he asks when he's going to die and I know that's an uncomfortable conversation for most but here it is as normal as "When's dinner?"... he's so young that I'm not sure exactly how much he understands about what happened to his Daddy aside from he saw him for the last time laying in a casket and me telling him that his heart had stopped... we've talked about body parts before all of this happened so he had been exposed to a science series of books about the heart, skin, muscles, etc... part of him would like to know when his heart is going to stop and all I can tell him is that it will stop when we are done living our lives... how much longer any of us have is never known but we can enjoy each day that we're given as a gift...

Hannah's line of questioning of late is actually much harder to take than Jack's... she wants to know why I didn't do as many fun things with them as Daddy did... Daddy took us to Chuck E. Cheese... Daddy took us fishing... Daddy took us camping... Daddy to us to Six Flags... how do you explain the difference between a weekend parent versus the one that gets you up in the morning, helps you with your schoolwork, makes sure you have shoes that fit, and all of the other tedious things that mothers generally do? How do you make a 7 year old understand that her Daddy didn't want to have to deal with us for most of her life and did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted, and that those choices rarely involved us? All I could tell her is that everyone makes choices and before they were born I used to do fun things all of the time that made me happy... I used to dance and paint and go fun places whenever I wanted to... but then I had a decision to make... I had to decide that it was time to be a mother... not that it's right to give up all of the fun things in life, but life changes when you have children... that being a mother is hard work but it is work that I had chosen to do... and it is my job to ensure that they grow into healthy and successful human beings... that they are able to make the right choices when faced with hardships and to always know that they are loved... that's my job... I also had to tell her that Daddy didn't make the same choices that I did... that he chose to keep having his fun while I took care of them... that it took him until this past year for him to realize how important it was to be a good father... I had to emphasize that it's not an easy choice for every person to make but that he did the best that he knew how and that's all we can ask... I also had to remind her that it was easy for him to take them fun places because he had another adult to help him and that it would have been harder for him to do all of those fun things if they lived with him all of the time and only visited me... I know it was too much to unload on her but after being prodded so many times about why we never get to go to fun places, I couldn't just gloss over the fact that I work all of the time to make sure they are taken care of and have all of the things they need... not all of the things they want, but actually need... and they have a lot... a fact pointed out to me last weekend when a friend of mine came over for the first time and saw my classroom... and I know that's only a small part of what they have... it's such a fine line to walk... on one side, you want them to remember all of the fun they had with their Dad but not to the point that they think that's all that he did... it would be an impossible standard for me to live up to...

Does any of this get any easier? Most days are fairly normal between working all of the time and raising the kids... I know there's a part of me that hasn't fully dealt with his death and I'm not sure if I ever will... I know it's going to be hard when I take the inventory of the storage unit but I'm not sure even that will help me finally come to the point where I can truly feel all of the pain... I waffle back and forth between how I feel about Chris... I know I have immersed myself in work to avoid having too much down time to think about it all... it doesn't stop me from doing it but at least I am aware of what I'm doing... I miss him most days but when I talk about him with friends I am extremely aware of his shortcomings... it would be unfair of me to expose his weaknesses to the kids and show them how he really was... it would also be unfair for me to allow them to think he's a God who could do no wrong...

I also have a small amount of good news to share... well... good for me at least... my best friend, Jenne, is supposed to be moving in with us in a few more weeks until she can find a house... losing a small amount of privacy is a good trade for having her here... I wish her circumstances for coming down here were better but I am excited for having someone to lean on... her being here will also give me some much needed time off to take care of myself in ways that I haven't been able to since Chris died... she knows all of this and is still willing to come... I guess after 18 years there isn't too much that we wouldn't do for each other so hopefully this is what I need to overcome some of these hurdles...

Monday, February 05, 2007

Do you believe in signs? Is it something I should take note of or am I just reading way too much into this? Let me tell you what happened and you be the judge... I went up to Jack's room to get his blankie for nap time and noticed one of my cats going ape in Hannah's room... I looked in and saw that she was trying to capture this bird that was flying in the room... now I don't recall any doors nor windows being open long enough for a bird to fly in... I think I would have noticed... but here is this bird with at least a 12 inch wing span in my daughter's room doing its best to not be eaten... I open Hannah's window and shoo the poor thing out... I thought there's an old superstition about birds in the house but I couldn't remember what it was so I looked it up... some say that birds carry the souls of the dead and that blackbirds in particular are messengers of the dead... I am not your usual kook who takes all of that to heart but today is a bit different... today is Chris' birthday... should that mean something? I did go and light a candle in honor of his birthday and said a prayer that he has found peace... is there something else I am supposed to do? We are going out tonight so the kids can honor his birthday and hopefully we can have a good evening... our morning has been very busy and maybe that was a way to get me to remember him... a person never truly dies as long as there is someone to remember them as they were... maybe it was just an unfortunate bird that found its way into a tight situation... who knows...
It is officially what would have been Chris' 33rd birthday... not quite sure what all we're going to do aside from going to dinner... I noticed Hannah had "Happy Birthday Dad" written in her school planner... we've talked about it some but most of the questions have stopped... we're still waiting to do inventory of the storage unit but there's still plenty of time for that... I've got a friend who'll be there for moral support so it won't be so bad...

His mother called earlier and I unfortunately picked up... I had been on another call when she beeped in and since the caller ID doesn't register when you're on the other line, it becomes answer at your own peril... I have successfully avoided talking to them because she is passive aggressive and does her best to try to make me feel guilty... I think it bothers her that I don't have the guilt that they do and that I seemingly have moved forward... yes, I have made positive steps in my life but that doesn't mean that it's easy to not have him around... regardless of how I feel, life will move on with or without me and I cannot allow myself to stand still and lose myself again... when his mother asked how we're doing I tell her the basics but I don't elaborate... I don't tell her that I had a great weekend because I got to enjoy adult company for once without the kids and that the kids spend a lot of time around my parents... I have to defend why I don't drive the seven hours it takes to go visit them in Arkansas though I tell them every time we speak that I work every day but two Saturdays each month... I don't have time and refuse to take time off to go up there... with how I've been treated over the years it will take quite a bit more than the occasional phone call to get me to see them... if they were down this way I may opt to have dinner with them but I will not go out of my way for them anytime in the foreseeable future... his parents don't seem to understand what is truly going on... they seemed unaware that I am the administrator for his estate and that it is at my discretion how his estate is divided up... the kids get whatever they want plus a few things that will have more meaning for them when they get older but all the rest is however I choose to handle it... I don't want his stuff crowding up my life again... and how do you tell a mother on the eve of what would have been her eldest son's birthday that you are doing your best to sanitize your life of him and truly want nothing to do with them? I know it's not right to deny them the ability to see their grand kids but they have a lack of judgment when it comes to what is proper to do with kids and I will not ever allow anyone to do anything that will be detrimental to their well being... and how do you tell his mother that our lives are so much better now that Chris is gone? How much of a relief it is that I don't have all of his drama and uncertainty to handle? How that there are so many more benefits for us now that he's out of our lives and that I'm glad there's no one else to influence the kids unless I allow them into our lives... all points that she's not ready to hear... it would just reinforce whatever their beliefs are about me and even I cannot be that cruel... I can see their point of view... I can see how hard it is for them to not be able to understand what really happened... but I also see that they are not ready for the truth... I know that they are not capable of seeing Chris as he truly was and how he got to be that way... I wouldn't want to know that either if I had any part in making him the way he was... there is just so much that I would love to say to them but it would completely crush them... his mother is way too fragile emotionally to handle any of it... she thinks she would probably break down and cry if she talked to the kids and that is not healthy for any of them... I don't know what kind of support system they have but she has not accepted his death in any way and all of that is very evident when I speak to her... God, I must seem callous to them... four months now without him and I have done everything I can to move on... I won't ever forget him and I won't let the kids forget him but life has to go on... it's not fair but it does... I can only pray for them to have the same kind of healing that I am experiencing and maybe they, too, can see the beauty that life still has to offer...